The Breathless Fantasy...

A Long Pause... And A Bitersweet Good-bye

2007-05-15T15:27:00.000-04:00

It's been so long since I've posted. The past few months have been a blur. Francis, affectionately known as "Emma" when she was my patient, has passed. Nothing could convince her to stay on her medication and fight. Bobby. My heart is broken for him. He's been through so much, and watching his mother die has taken it's toll.

The night before Francis died, I asked him to stay with me. He hadn't been sleeping, eating-- nothing. He was burning the candle at both ends, and the wick was quickly disintegrating. I didn't expect anything from him. I didn't want to take advantage of him. I know he's in a vulnerable state. All that I wanted, was for him to be able to lay in the arms of someone who loves him. Someone who understand his pain. His grief. His confusion. As he lay in my arms, I felt his breath become shallow against my chest. I knew, for the first time in weeks, if not months, he was sleeping peacefully. For all of the grief and heartache we were feeling, we both slept, and well, for the first time in a long time.

The next morning, we went to the hospital together. I knew that would be the last visit we made. When I saw her face, I knew she wasn't going to be here long. On her deathbed, she confessed that she was never sure who Bobby's real father was. My heart sank. Seeing the look in his dark eyes, pierced my heart. How. Why? Why now? As much as I truly love Bobby, this is one time, that I truly believe ignorance would've been bliss. Had he not known, he would've been fine. There would never have been a question, a shred of doubt- nothing. Now there is. He's pulling away from everyone.

It doesn't matter to me if his father is a serial killer, or an alcoholic with a compulsive gambling problem. We're all one step away insanity. We're all that close to evil. It's the choices we make that define us, not our genetics. I can hope that once Bobby takes the time to re-evaluate everything, he'll realize this.

As for me, I'm stalling. I'm writing, because I know when I stop, I have to go. I made a promise to Francis. In her younger days, she was a beautiful woman. She took pride in having her hair styled, make-up applied, and nails painted. I promised her that she would look just as beautiful in death, as in life. I promised her, that her boys last memory of her would be better than what they saw the last few days in her life. I have to go to the funeral home. I'm the only one who knows how she wants her hair styled. I'm the only one who knows that she hates when you can tell she's wearing blush. I'm the only one who knows that that Paris Pink is the only color she'll wear on her nails now. I still can't believe she's gone.

When I go prepare her, it's final. I know it. I know that the next time I'll see her, will be for the Rite of Burial. It's important for me to make sure I carry out her final wishes. It's important for me to stay strong, for her, for Bobby. I know she's at peace. I know where she is. I know she's looking down at us. I know she's wondering where I am.

I need to go. Wish me luck. I'm going to need it to stay strong through this.

Happy New Year...

2006-12-31T19:04:00.000-05:00

May you all have a safe, and blessed New Year!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2006-11-22T21:05:00.000-05:00

One Year Ago Today...

2006-10-05T19:55:00.000-04:00

He came into my life. What a change he's made. We've been through up's and down's- in's and out's, but somehow found our way back to one another. Call it what you want, but it was meant. I know that now. Nothing happens by accident. Absolutely. Nothing.

I will be at 515 tonight- and so will he.

A final spritz of Addict, and I'm out the door...

Here's a toast, to all those who hear me all too well...

After Five Years...

2006-09-11T19:45:00.000-04:00

This day still REALLY gets to me. Nothing could prepare anyone for what they would endure. For the fear, the terror, the anger, the confusion, the sorrow- everything that we would continue to carry with us for years. I remember it like it was yesterday. The smoke, the smell, the cries for help. So many people, so much need, and so few to help.

When I say so few, I mean in regards to the demand. There were people crying and screaming in pain. We worked around the clock. I can't remember how many hours I was awake. I know it was well over 48. September 11th, 2001 proved one thing to me- when you think you can't take anymore you can. Never under estimate the power of the human soul. Love, compassion, and faith kept me going.

There were so many times I wanted to quit. I wanted to run back to my apartment, and not come out. I wanted to block out the images of the mangled people. The images of those screaming and crying, searching for their loved one's haunts me to this day. The wails of pain, for those I couldn't comfort. The hands I held as they passed from this world.

On a day of such terror and sorrow, came something greater than anyone could imagine- The infinite love and grace of God. He kept us ALL going. He gave us the strength to care for those who couldn't care for themselves. He allowed those who were attacked to die with dignity. I believe they all have a home in his eternal kingdom. That's the only thing that has kept me semi-sane these past 5 years.

May we NEVER forget...

Another "Get To Know You" Post...

2006-09-05T00:22:00.000-04:00

I borried (a FINE Southern word- the word of the day as a matter of fact- meaning to Borrow something) from Sans. I thought it would be fun- Enjoy, and share your answers with me :0)

1) If you could change your name, would you? If so, to what?
Savannah, Sabrina, or something insane like that.

2) What is one thing you'd change about yourself if you could?
I'd definitely want the desire to shop and spend money to go away. I love to shop, and God knows I don't NEED anything else, but I want everything I see.

3) What's one thing you wouldn't change about yourself?
My heart, and faith in God.

4) What's the best decision you ever made in your life?
Hmmmmmmm, that would require a lot of thought.

5) If you could have dinner with 5 people (living or dead) who would they be?

Mother Teresa
Steve and Teri Erwin
Elizabeth Short
Courtney Love
Joan Osborne

6) What's one thing you HAVE to do before you die?
Stay in one of those cute little huts on the ocean in Tahiti, and see Easter Island- but I'd settle for getting into Swingle Mansion in JC.

7) What's the best vacation you ever took?
You'd think it would be my huge tour of Mt. Rushmore, Yellowstone, The Badlands, all of that fun stuff from the Midwest/West- but it's not. It was the much needed time away from home this summer with my Aunt Judy- we went to Myrtle Beach, and I appreciated it more than anything in my life.

8) What's the best advice your mom ever gave you?
Never depend on a man to take care of you.

9) What is your biggest phobia?
Don't laugh- bed bugs. I have to febreeze my bed EVERY NIGHT before I get into it. I have this theory that febreeze kills the bed bugs.

10) Who is the hottest (as in sexy) actor in Hollywood?
Ugh- none of them. There haven't been any fine men acting in movies in years *sighs*

11) For $100 would you pull the wings off of a butterfly?
Butterfly, no- Bees, absolutely- I hate those damn things.

12) Do you have a living will or would you sign one?

I have one- I refuse to end up like poor Terry Schiavo. If the circumstance every arises, I will die with grace and dignity. I will not lay like a vegetable.

For What It's Worth...

2006-08-29T18:53:00.000-04:00

My blog is worth $2,822.70.
How much is your blog worth?

Interruptions...

2006-08-27T01:55:00.000-04:00

It never fails, every beautiful moment gets interrupted. Take tonight for instance, Bobby and I had a nice quiet evening alone. I, ok, Susan had prepared a beautiful candlelight dinner. Everything was perfect. Bobby arrived right at 7:00pm. We shared a glass of wine on the veranda before dinner. The night was starting out on a good note.

Our dinner was superb. I know he knew there was no way I had prepared this myself. I'm FAR from a 5 star chef. It didn't matter. What mattered is that we were together. We're past the point of trying to impress one another. Now, it's about who we are, and what we share. It's about spending time talking about everything from Anthrax to Zoology.

Our perfect evening moved along quickly. I don't know if it was the wine or the atmosphere, for that matter it could've been the Addict- all I know is it took less time for sparks to fly than it did for me to kick off my Manolo Blanhiks. In the middle of my beautiful romantic moment, his phone rang. I was really hoping, just this one, he'd ignore it. No. Bobby's too straight laced for that.

A case. A case blew my perfect evening all to hell. He kissed me, and apologized. Although disappointed, I understand. I got up, put on my "social pajamas", and cleaned my dining room table off. I didn't want to blow out the candles. If I blew them out, it meant it was over, he wasn't coming back tonight. I didn't want that. I wanted to hold onto the hope that he'd be back to finish what he'd started.

It's nearly 2:00am, and here I sit. He'll be back, just not tonight.

To My Girlfriends...

2006-08-23T13:36:00.000-04:00

Greatness In Simplicity...

2006-08-19T21:40:00.000-04:00

The heat was almost unbearable today. I had originally planned on running a few errands, and finishing up my shopping. Did things work out the way I had planned? Of course not. While I was walking down the sidewalk, I noticed a fire hydrant that was spraying water, and the children running around, enjoying every minute of it. During the summer, this isn't something that's especially uncommon. The smiles on these children's faces made my day. The innocence. The purity. The contentment of the moment. Living for what was right there before them. Enjoying the simplicity of water. They didn't have to have a pool, or a beach, they had a fire hydrant, and that, for the moment, was enough.

I put my purse down, and ran through the water with them, laughing and screaming like I was 10 years old again. It felt good. It felt good to just live in the moment, to be happy with the way things were in the moment. I felt good to not worry about bills, men, or work. It was exhilarating to just let the water spray over my body. My mascara was running down my cheeks, and my wet hair made me look like a drowned rat! I looked homeless, and felt like a queen. I was young and free.

I didn't accomplish a thing I had intended to today. I didn't pay any bills. I didn't buy groceries. I didn't go to Louis Vuitton to see the new fall line. I ran around a fire hydrant, and lived for the moment. I lived in the moment, and accomplished more than I had in a long time.

Scene...

2006-08-13T22:19:00.000-04:00

After Mass this morning, Maria called. She's auditioning for a new play, and needed a stunning costume. Of course, Maria will settle for nothing but the best. She's had to take what was given for so long, that when she came to New York, she vowed to settle for nothing but the best. I spent the greater half of my afternoon pinning and sewing on an elaborate renaissance gown. By the time I was finished, my nap time had long since passed. I stepped out onto my small terrace, and looked down into the busy streets. Even on Sunday, the city doesn't stop.

I remember back home, for years Sunday was a day of rest. No one went shopping, much less worked on a Sunday. Oh how times have changed. We're constantly on the go. We don't take the time to go to church, spend time with our family, or even ourselves. We're just too busy. I felt so good taking a few minutes for me. Sitting in the sunshine, breathing in the fresh, er, well, air, felt good. It felt good not to do anything, but exist for a few moments- to be one with my environment.

The moment was interrupted by a phone call. I reluctantly went into my apartment to see if who was on the other end was worth leaving my peaceful moment. Was it worth it? Absolutely. My day had just gotten even better.

The Metamorphosis of Chloe' Gardner

2006-08-11T21:06:00.000-04:00

Work was tiring. When I arrived home, I was drained- mentally, physically, and emotionally. Working with the mentally ill takes so much out of me. I care too much- that's my problem. I bring work home with me constantly. I worry. I wonder what I could be doing to help them more than I already do. I try so hard to understand why they're ill- what caused the illness. Are we all just one chromosome away from insanity? What exactly causes "the break?" Is it inevitable? Were these people born, predestined to be ill, or was it a result of external circumstances or trauma? We may never know, and that in itself, drives me crazy.

Trying to turn off my brain is so hard. I have to keep busy, and find things to distract myself while I'm at home, even more so when I'm alone. On my last day off, I went through my closet and pulled out a box of photographs. Some made me laugh, some made me cry. Each photo captured a moment in time that was precious to me- a moment I can never get back, but am able to relive whenever I wish.

I decided to start scrapbooking, so that I would be able to share my memories with friends and family. I found pictures from cheerleading camp in high school, and my confirmation at church. Pictures of me partying hard with my sorority sisters at UT, and the sweet smile of victory at Miss Tennessee. The look of pride was captured forever when my lamp was lit, and my hat placed on my head when I graduated from nursing school. Family, friends, memories- moments in time that I treasured, all lay before me on my living room floor. I was completely overwhelmed. I saw the complete metamorphosis of Chloe' Gardner in a matter of minutes. A change that has taken over twenty years to complete is visible just by simply looking at a series of photographs.

As I began putting pictures in their respective albums, I came to the last pile. As I looked through them, I began to cry. The first picture, was one of me, dancing with Bobby. I didn't even know his name, who he was, or what he did for a living, all I knew was I was in the arms of the most intriguing man I'd ever met. What a mystery he was, and, well, still is for that matter. In two months, it will have been one year ago that we first met by chance at 515. The ups and downs we've been through, I can't even begin to describe. Has the ride been worth it? Absolutely. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat.

We All Need To Be Reminded...

2006-08-10T00:07:00.000-04:00

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by

holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked,

"Who would like this $20 bill?"

Hands started going up.

He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you

but first, let me do this.

He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.

He then asked, "Who still wants it?"

Still the hands were up in the air.

Well, he replied, "What if I do this?"

And he dropped it on the ground

and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.

He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.

"Now, who still wants it?"

Still the hands went into the air.

My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson.

No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it

because it did not decrease in value.

It was still worth $20.

Many times in our lives,

we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt

by the decisions we make and

the circumstances that come our way.

We feel as though we are worthless.

But no matter what has happened or

what will happen, you will never lose your value.

Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased,

you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.

The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know,

but by WHO WE ARE.

You are special- Don't EVER forget it.

Count your blessings, not your problems.

And remember: amateurs built the ark

professionals built the Titanic.

If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.

Fault?

2006-08-09T07:14:00.000-04:00

I recieved this today... "Just so you don't get too comfortable. Remember, things haven't always been perfect." Along with the picture.

I have NO idea where this came from, or who took it for that matter. I remember the day all too well. I remember every word that was said. I remember why. It's long since passed. We're ok- but apparently, someone isn't.

Because I Had Some Time On My Hands...

2006-08-08T12:17:00.000-04:00

1. My roommate and I once: Had to share a king size waterbed with no heater (well, we thought it had no heater- my roommate at the time was my cousin Holly- and the bed, was her boyfriend- now husband, Jimmy's. The bed had a heater all along, we froze our asses off for nothing!)

2. Never in my life have I: been to Easter Island (but I dream of going)

3. The one person who can drive me nuts, but then can always manage to make me smile is: Bobby

4. High school was: Socially amusing, and one hell of a wild time

5. When I'm nervous: I smoke.

6. The last time I cried was: It's been a litle while, but there is no shame in tears.

7. If I were to get married right now, my bridesmaids/groomsmen would be: My cousin Holly, Susan, Maria, Jessica, Jennifer, Ebony, Justin, Jake, and Michael.

8. Would you rather run naked through a crowded place or have someone e-mail your deepest secret to all your friends? I'm an exhibitionist, so I'd enjoy running through someplace naked.

9. My hair: Long and Red.

10. When I was 5: My cousin Jason and I thought we were Oscar and Grundsetta Grouch.

11. Last Christmas: I was surrounded by those I love dearly and had a wonderful time at church.

12. When I turn my head left: I see my front door.

13. I should be: Doing something productive.

14. When I look down I see: my breasts. They protrude.

15. The craziest recent event was: Can't tell that one.

16. If I were a character on "Friends" I'd be: Rachel or Phoebe

17. By this time next year: I hope to be as happy as I am right now.

18. My favorite aunt is: Aunt Judy- of course!.

19. I have a hard time understanding: Why some people take pleasure in other people's pain.

20. One time at a family gathering: Do I have to tell you? You already think I'm nutty enough.

21. You know I like you if: Hang out with you.

22. If I won an award, the first person (people) I'd thank: God

23. Take my advice: The grass isn't always as green on the other side.

24. My ideal breakfast is: An Egg McMuffin, or Shoney's Breakfast Buffet

25. If you visit my home town: You'll discover that if you don't like Wal-Mart or Fast Food, you're SOL

26. Sometime soon I plan to visit: Susan and Maria.

27. If you spend the night at my house: Prepare to be "loved by Morris".

28. I'd stop my wedding if: I found out my fiancee' had been cheating.

29. The world could do without: "W" and the dumb ass republicans.

30. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: Have "W" as the president.

31. The most recent thing I've bought myself is: Shampoo, sad, isn't it?

32. The most recent thing someone else bought for me is: Dinner.

33. My favorite blonde is: Susan.

34. My favorite brunette is: Maria.

35. My car must have a sign on it that reads: "Get Off My Ass"

36. The last time I was drunk: It's been too long.

37. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds: Cows!

38. I shouldn't have been: Treated the way I was by a friend.

39. Have you ever shaved your pubic hair? Yes.

40. Last night I: did laundry, and had dinner with Carrie, from work.

41. There's this girl I know who: lives inside the woman I am. And I am glad she is still there.

42: I don't know: Lightning Bugs butts light up.

43. A better name for me would be: Savannah (gotta love the old South)

44. If I ever go back to school I'll: Shoot myself.

45. How many days until my birthday?: Just a few!

46. One dead celebrity I wish I'd met is: Well, not so much celebrity as icon- Mother Teresa.

47. I've lived at my current address since: 2003.

48. I've been told I look like: A lot of different people.

49. If I could have any car, it would be: Another white Camero convertible.

50. If I got a new cat tomorrow, I would name it: TJ, for my beloved "Teeger" who's in Heaven.

How about you?

You Like To Watch... Don't You?

2006-08-07T10:24:00.000-04:00

Last night, I wasn't able to sleep much. I was miserable for the most of the night, well- for obvious reasons. As I was flipping aimlessly through the channels, I stopped dead in my tracks. Sliver. Damn, it had been years since I had thought about that movie. It was one of my favorites. Granted, when I saw it for the first time, I was something like 13, er, maybe 15, I can't remember exactly. Anyway, moving on. When I saw Sliver for the first time, I was captivated. Yes, I was young, but the electricity between Sharon Stone and Billy Baldwin was indescribable.

That was a good, oh, 13 years or so ago, but I never forgot about that. Watching the movie, I realized that I wanted to have passion like that in my life. I want to be seduced like no other. What woman doesn't want that? Deep down inside, who doesn't want to have a man push her against the door and have his way with her? We all want to feel like we're desired more than anything- like WE'RE the ONLY woman in the world.

Living in New York, I've often wondered what it would be like to be wild and free like Carly was. She held tons of baggage, and didn't let people in easily, so there was a problem. What caused her to just let her inhibitions run wild, and fall for Zeke? I mean, well aside from the obvious fact that he was hotter than hell? He manipulated her mind and body. It scares me to think how much his personality is like... Not going to go there right now.

Dreaming aside, none of this will be happening for me right now- I don't think it would feel terrific to be ravaged while I look like a lobster.

Splashing In The Sun...

2006-08-06T20:46:00.000-04:00

Today was definitely a hot one. This has to be one of the hottest summers I remember. Even back home, I rarely remember the heat getting to me like this. I had a rare sunday off, and decided to make the most of it. Maria had called this morning, asking if I wanted to head out to Brighton Beach. I didn't even have to think twice about that one. It was time for some much deserved fun in the sun.

Susan and Maria picked me up after Mass, and it was off to the beach. It's a weekend, so I knew the beach would be packed- but I had NO idea there would be THAT many people there. Finding a place to put our towel was like going on a treasure hunt. Finally, after walking the hot sun and sand for what seemed like an eternity, we found a "free spot" on the beach. After setting up our chairs, we were out into the ocean.

I felt like I was sixteen again. The feeling of the waves crashing against your body is liberating. It's almost as if the water of the ocean cleanses your soul. It wipes away all that's troubling you, and carries you into euphoria. We laughed and played in the waves for hours. I didn't want to leave.

The euphoria only lasted a short period of time. When I arrived back at my apartment, I took a look in the mirror. I looked like Eugene Krabs. Granted, I'm a fan of Eugene Krabs, but looking like him isn't exactly on my list of things to do. Aloe is definitely in order this evening.

As God Is My Witness...

2006-08-05T01:35:00.000-04:00

I shall never be hungry again. Chills run down my spine every time I hear that phrase. Gone With The Wind. The epic tale of the "Olde South". A time of gentility and chivalry. A time when women were ladies, and men, gentlemen. There was nothing more important than land. "It's the only thing worth dying for"- and die we did. Many men gave their lives fighting for the land they loved. It was much more than most people can fathom. It wasn't about money, slavery, or the greater control- it was about our land.

Scarlett O'Hara. A woman who KNEW what she wanted, and come hell or high water, she would have it. She stopped at nothing to get the man she wanted, and to rebuild the most important thing in the world to her- Tara. Tara- a beautiful old Southern plantation that sat on some of the most beautiful land God ever created. A home that withstood the fires and attacks of Sherman and the Yankees as they swept through the South. Hunger. She knew it. She also knew that she would rebuild her life, and she would survive. Surviving- that was the name of the game after the Late Unpleasantness.

Every time I watch this movie, I remember why I love the South so much. I remember my heritage, and why I'm so proud of it. I remember why I salute not only the flag of the United States of America, but the Confederate Flag. It's about heritage, not hate. It's about loving the land that you were born on, and taking pride in the fact that you live on some of the most beautiful land that God created- Margaret Mitchell wasn't wrong there.

Living away from the South, I appreciate my land all the more when I return.

In A Light-Hearted Mood...

2006-08-04T16:47:00.000-04:00

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as warm and well-balanced.

Overall, your true self is creative and expressive.

With friends, you seem logical, detached, and a bit manipulative.

In love, you seem mysterious and interesting.

In stressful situation, you seem like you're oblivious to the stress.

What Do People Think Of Your Face?

You Are 72% Lady

Overall, you are a refined lady with excellent manners.
But you also know when to relax and not get too serious about etiquette

Are You A Lady?

Your Driving Is is: 77% Male, 23% Female

According to studies, you generally drive like a typical male.
You're confident in your driving skills, and hardly any situation gets the better of you.
And while you may have a few tickets under your belt, you're still a very good driver.

Do You Drive Like a Guy or a Girl?

Breathing...

2006-08-03T01:50:00.000-04:00

I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though, I don't really know what I'm gonna do when I get there
I take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace

'Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door
And listen to you breathing
It's where I wanna be, yeah
Where I wanna be

I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth
And I'm trying to identify the voices in my head
God, I wish it weren't you
Let me feel one more time what if feels like to feel
And break these caluses off me one more time

'Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside of your door
And listen to you breathing
It's where I wanna be, yeah

Oh I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting for
The scraps to fall off of your table to the ground
'Cause i just wanna be here now

'Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door
And listen to you breathing
It's where I wanna be, yeah
Where I wanna be

'Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door
And listen to you breathing
It's where I wanna be, yeah
Where I wanna be...

On a Lighter Note...

2006-08-02T16:16:00.000-04:00

Got this today in my e-mail, I think I might've shared it before- but hey, it's too good not to pass along...

I'm 100% Dixie. Is General Lee your grandfather?!, How about you?

Find out HERE.

What A Feeling...

2006-08-01T00:54:00.000-04:00

I decided tonight was going to be a night for me. I've been out quite a bit this week with Susan and Maria- not to mention a few dinners with Bobby. After work, I took a nice hot bath, and ordered my favorite Chinese. There's nothing like shrimp lo mien! I put on my favorite comfy pj's and popped in Flashdance.

Next to Gone With The Wind, Flashdance has to be my favorite movie of all time. Dancing has always been a passion of mine, and Flashdance captures the spirit and soul of dancing. I could so relate to many of the emotions that Jennifer Beales went through in the movie. The hopes and aspirations that seemed to go down the drain at times, but faith- something that is never lost.

I still have a passion for dancing. Will I ever dance professionally? Who knows? For now, I'll enjoy the rare moments I "break out" in my living room or Central Park.

Sparkling Sangria...

2006-07-26T02:08:00.000-04:00

Tonight was a rare night. A night that I was off, and energized- and Bobby was off, and somewhat relaxed. I suggested we have a few drinks, and take a walk through Central Park. I had absolutely no idea where I wanted to go for drinks, I just knew I didn't want to sit at home. I met Bobby around 8:00pm, and told him we were walking until something caught our eye. We found a small bistro that looked perfect. Small and intimate- exactly what I was looking for. It had been so long since we had just sat and talked. We talked about nothing and everything. Of course, the more we had to drink, the more we opened up.

Why is it that everything comes out when you drink? Your hopes, fears, aspirations- everything. Nothing is taboo when alcohol is flowing freely. After leaving the bistro, it was more than apparent neither of us should be driving. It's a good thing we decided tonight was the perfect night for a walk- because we certainly needed it.

As we walked through the park, I remembered many fond memories of being there. I had to laugh as I thought about my "Flashdance" performance. Only me. There are tons of crazy people in New York, but how many decide to just start dancing right in the middle of Central Park? Leave it to me. As quickly as that memory flashed through my mind, so did the memory of one of the most difficult days of my life. I sat on a park bench, unable to fight back tears. I remember looking up, and seeing Bobby looking back at me- and literally, in the blink of an eye, he was gone.

He's floated in and out of my life for almost a year now. We've pulled close together, and then pushed each other away more times than I can count. Are we afraid of what might happen if we really gave into what's deep inside? Of the feelings we dare not speak of, but know exist? He's my best friend. I can tell him anything, and I know he's not going to ridicule me for any of the strange or quirky thoughts and/or beliefs I have. I can call him anytime, and he'd be there for me.

As I held his hand, I knew I was right where I was supposed to be. Maybe it was the sangria, but the night was magical. It's funny how some of the most simple moments shape our lives, and change things for the better.

Long Night... Early Morning

2006-07-23T06:01:00.000-04:00

Last night, was an official "girls night out". I met up with Maria, Susan, and a few girls from Carmel Ridge for a night on the town. It was a refreshing change of scenery. After living in New York for a period of time, you take the bright lights and busy life for granted- you begin to settle into a "routine" and before long, forget all the wonderful perks of living in the city.

We spent the first hour enjoying 2 for 1 shots. That's never good. Of course, I we were all feeling good. We found a cozy table in the back, and bought a round of drinks to celebrate good friends, good drinks, and having a good life. We celebrated a little too much, because now, it's 6:00am, and I'm left wishing I could crawl right back into the bed.

Work awaits. So, I've got to get it together. Here's to hoping I can get ready before Mass. Things just don't go right if I don't get to go to church before work.

Like We Didn't See This Coming...

2006-07-20T07:30:00.000-04:00

You Are Miss Piggy

A total princess and diva, you're totally in charge - even if people don't know it.
You want to be loved, adored, and worshiped. And you won't settle for anything less.
You're going to be a total star, and you won't let any of the "little people" get in your way.
Just remember, piggy, never eat more than you can lift!

The Muppet Personality Test

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.

Your risk of cheating is low. Even if you're tempted, you'd try hard not to do it.

You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is high.
You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person.
And in return, you expect the same from who you love.
Any sign of straying, and you'll end things.

Experience Level:

Your experience level is high.
You've loved, lost, and loved again.
You have had a wide range of love experiences.
And when the real thing comes along, you know it!

Dominance:

Your dominance is medium.
You tend to be the one with more power.
You aren't a total control freak in relationships..
But of course you don't mind getting you way!

Cynicism:

Your cynicism is low.
You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance.
No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter.
You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate.
And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon.

Independence:

Your independence is medium.
In relationships, you need both "me time" and "we time."
You usually find it easy to be part of a couple.
But occasionally you start to feel a little smothered.

The Five Variable Love Test

Time Heals All Wounds...

2006-07-15T02:03:00.000-04:00

How true... How true. Time. Over the past nine months I've had so many ups and down, ins and outs I didn't know where I was, or for that matter who I was. I went through a huge change in my career, from working as triage nurse, to caring exclusively for those who are mentally ill. I realized just how rewarding it is to care for those who can't care for themselves. I went into nursing with one thing in mind- others. I wanted to give of myself, so that others could be comfortable. I had no idea that the degree I received in Knoxville, would take me to Carmel, NY, and to the mother of the most wonderfully eclectic man I'd ever meet.

Bobby. He has to be the most complex man I've ever met. A man who, well, intentionally or unintentionally, played the smoothest mind games with me. For months, he haunted my dreams, and boggled my mind. He eluded me. He had me completely entranced. After months of "the game", things came to fruition. It happened. Like a bolt of lightning, it happened, and was gone. I wanted it too much. He wasn't ready for that. The baggage. He carries enough to sink the Titanic four times over. The memories, the fears, the hopes and dreams he carries, they come to light at the most inopportune times. It pushed us apart. We drifted. I never forgot him. I never gave up on him. We had a connection that was greater than anything I understood, or ever will for that matter.

On a faithful night a little over a week ago, nostalgia reared it's head. It was a night neither of us could fight. It was time. We both needed each other more than ever. Once night that should've been in December, but never happened. It happened when it was supposed to, when the time was truly right. What will happen from here, it's anyone's guess. I'm not pushing the issue. The last thing I want is for him to feel trapped. I know he's not able to give himself fully to me right now, but for now, I'm willing to take what I can get. One day at a time...

Am I One...

2006-07-13T02:25:00.000-04:00

To Kiss and Tell?

It depends greatly upon what you're asking me to tell. Are you wanting to know if it was the greatest night of my life? Everything I've been hoping for? Everything Chuck wasn't? Was he all I'd hoped for, and dreamt of every night? Was there a big, beautiful bouquet of Orchids at my door the next day?

Yes.

That's all you need to know. For now.

What Were The Chances?

2006-06-29T06:45:00.000-04:00

Of me seeing... Well. I'll get to that later. First, how long has it been since I've actually had a night out? A night where I forgot about all that is troubling me? A night where I got to be single, young and free? Unfortunately, longer than I'd like to admit. Amongst the angst and depression that I've been through in the past few months, it all melted away in a matter of hours.

Since Maria and Cody have been back together, it's almost as if she's a ghost. We rarely see, much less hear from her. However, tonight, she picked up the phone and made a long, overdue call. A call to say, it's been too long- and 515 is waiting. What the hell? I have some great memories from 515, after all, that's where I met... Ok, we'll just leave that alone for now.

I felt daring, bold. I knew I had to get out and live once more. I put on my classiest black dress, and my favorite pair of Manolo Blahniks. Of course, no outfit is complete without a spritz of Addict. I hailed a cab, and was on my way.

As I walked through the doors of my old, familiar haunt, it was a rush of nostalgia. Memories flooded my memories or the drinks, laughs, and love that I shared here. Gazing around the bar, half of me hoped I'd see Bobby, but the other half knew it just wasn't going to happen. I saw Maria and Susan sitting at our old table in the back. They had already ordered drinks. It was going to be one hell of a night...

And what a night it was. Drinks. Laughs. Memories- all shared over Jack and Coke, A Dry Martini, and a few shots of random liquors. We talked about the first time we darkened the doors of 515. What a night it was. It's funny how one single moment can change the course of your life. How one, single, conversation can ignite in you a fire that can never be extinguished. I didn't want this feeling to end. I didn't want to leave. The night couldn't already be over.

3:30am. Last call. We shared one last toast- to us. To who we are, and how far we've come. Closing time. We were on our way out into the hot New York night. I was a little more than tipsy as I hailed a cab. Waiting in the pale lights of the city, I felt a tap on my shoulder. Turning around, I saw a familiar face. A face that was broken, but had not yet given up. A face that I had grown to love, yet had caused me so much pain. A face of a love that I could not have, but had within my grasp so many times. The only man who will ever hold my heart.

"This ride is on me," he said with a smile. Getting into the cab, we went to my apartment. This was long overdue. Cigarettes: You guess, 'cause I'm not telling.

What Does It Take?

2006-06-16T01:43:00.000-04:00

What does it take for us to realize just what we have? Do we always have to lose it, or let it slip away from us to realize that maybe things weren't half as bad as we thought they were? Why is it better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all? Is it really worth all the heartache and the agony we go through after losing someone we love, for whatever reason it may be, to become a "better person?" What exactly is it that makes us a better person? Can't we be good without going through the cycle of loss?

Why can't we just learn to be happy in the here and now, no matter what life has thrown at us? I'm sure it's because we always want more. More love. More money. More power. More sex. More respect. More everything.

Here's A Toast To Those Who Hear Me All Too Well...

Words To Live By...

2006-06-14T13:09:00.000-04:00

As we grow up, we learn that even the one
person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down
probably will.

You will have your heart broken probably
more than once and it's harder every time. You'll
break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours
was broken.

You'll fight with your best friend.

You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll
eventually lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been
hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back...

Breathing... Again

2006-06-06T21:01:00.000-04:00

It's been a long time since I've posted- really posted. I know. Everyone goes through it. It's like, going through the motions, day in, and day out. You lose sight of your life, because you're too busy simply surviving. Surviving is no way to live. You lose who you are, what you're about- what you desire most in life. I know what I desire, and whom I desire. I'm going to get it back. Get it ALL back. I remember who Chloe' Gardner is, and so will everyone else when all is said and done.

I Feel It....

2006-05-09T14:26:00.000-04:00

I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why
Everything gotta change around me
I’d tell it to your face
But you lost your face along the way
And I’d say it on the phone
If I thought you were alone
Why do things have to change

But you don’t need my pictures on your wall
You say you need no one
And you don’t need my secret midnight call
I guess you need no one
Is anybody waiting at home for you
Cause it’s time that will tell if it’s heaven if it’s hell or if it’s
Anybody waiting at home for you
Cause it’s time that will tell this tale

You’re in and out up and down
Wonder if you’re lost or found
But I got my hands on you
Are you strong enough to tow the line
Are you gonna make me yours
Or do I makey ou mine
I’m in and out I’m up and down
Wonder if I’m lost or found
But I need your hands on me now

But you don’t need my pictures on your wall
You say you need no one
And you don’t need my secret midnight call
I guess you need no one
Is anybody waiting at home for you
Cause it’s time that will tell if it’s heaven if it’s hell or if it’s
Anybody waiting at home for you
Cause it’s time that will tell this tale

I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why
Everything gotta change

One...

2006-04-11T14:02:00.000-04:00

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say...
One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it
Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's...
Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One...
Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt
One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One...life
One

Choices...

2006-04-05T22:44:00.000-04:00

I recieved this today in my e-mail, and it made me reflect...

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, "I don't get it!

You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

He replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose to be in a bad mood.

I choose to be in a good mood."

Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.

Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes, it is," he said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.

You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life."

I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.

I saw him about six months after the accident.

When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins...Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

"The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter," he replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.

He continued, "..the paramedics were great.

They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said John. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'."

Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude... I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34.

After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Thanks...

2006-04-04T23:28:00.000-04:00

To all who have shown support for me. I've made it through the past few days, with very few problems. "Emma" is still slipping in and out. My heart is breaking, but I realize that it's part of her illness. This is something you have to accept when you're in the healthcare field, especially mental health. I'm taking things day by day, that's all I can do.

It's been quite some time since Bobby and I have been able to really sit down and talk. He's been going through so much- work, his mother, internal demons. My best friend, so close, yet, so distant. I worry about him constantly, yet- there's something else I can't change. There's no use in dwelling on something I cannot change. He knows I'm always here for him, and will be, no matter what.

I got out tonight for the first time in awhile. I went to a bar with Susan and Maria. It had been quite awhile since we've enjoyed a girl's night out. After a few drinks, and some light-hearted stories, I felt much better about things. I didn't realize just how therapeutic socialization can be. Being a hermit is good on occasion, but nothing replaces the quality time spent with friends.

Dealing With Life...

2006-04-03T00:39:00.000-04:00

It's a must. The cards we're dealt, aren't always the cards we'd like to be holding. Take for example the people I deal with on a daily basis. They didn't ask to be born or become sick. They didn't choose to slowly drift off into their own little alternate reality, where those whom they love, no longer know them.

I know Bobby has been concerned for his mother, and more so now than ever. She hasn't been doing well, and I can't figure out why? It's literally, as if her medications have stopped working. She's taken a complete 180, in less than a month. I've been "talked to" by the head nurse twice. I was informed that "I'm too close to the situation, and perhaps it would be best if I were assigned a new wing".

Bullshit. Yes, "Emma", is precious to me, as is her son, but that's not the point here. Bobby and I, whatever we were, are, or will ever be, that's not the point. The point is, I have a job to do, regardless of whom it is, they deserve the best care, and I am the best. Perhaps that's vain of me, but it's true. I provide the best care possible, and I'm not going to stop because someone happens to be dear to my heart. I treat EVERY patient the same. I take the cards life deals, regardless of where they're played.

What Can I Say?

2006-03-27T03:20:00.000-05:00

That hasn't already been said? It's been one hell of a year, and we're only 3 months, er, closer to 4, into the year. Illness, heartbreak, loss, it's hit me like a ton of bricks. I debated upon just giving up, and throwing in the towel, or hanging and around and riding the waves.

As you can see, I'm riding. Where I'll end up? I haven't a clue, yet. I'm still at Carmel Ridge, and will probably be there until the day I die. Working in a mental hospital isn't the easiest job in the world, especially when you become attached to your patients. It takes it's toll on you, knowing that sometimes, all you can do is be there for them. When the medications no longer work, and their minds slip further and further away from reality, it suddenly hits you. It could be you.

We're all only a few steps away from the line. The line I've danced on for years, the line we dare not speak of, but all know is there. After all, what is reality, really?

As you tell- sleep, it's not my friend tonight.

Because Of You...

2006-03-27T02:49:00.000-05:00

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleepI was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

If You Could Read My Mind....

2006-03-08T15:38:00.000-05:00

If you could read my mind, love,
What a tale my thoughts could tell.
Just like an old time movie,
'Bout a ghost from a wishing well.
In a castle dark or a fortress strong,
With chains upon my feet.
You know that ghost is me.
And I will never be set free
As long as I'm a ghost that you can't see.

If I could read your mind, love,
What a tale your thoughts could tell.
Just like a paperback novel,
The kind the drugstores sell.
Then you reached the part where the heartaches come,
The hero would be me.
But heroes often fail,
And you won't read that book again
Because the ending's just too hard to take!

I'd walk away like a movie star
Who gets burned in a three way script.
Enter number two:
A movie queen to play the scene
Of bringing all the good things out in me.
But for now, love, let's be real;
I never thought I could feel this way
And I've got to say that I just don't get it.
I don't know where we went wrong,
But the feeling's gone
And I just can't get it back.

If you could read my mind, love,
What a tale my thoughts could tell.
Just like an old time movie,
'Bout a ghost from a wishing well.
In a castle dark or a fortress strong.
With chains upon my feet.
But stories always end,
And if you read between the lines,
You'd know that I'm just tryin' to understand
The feelin's that you lack.
I never thought I could feel this way
And I've got to say that I just don't get it.
I don't know where we went wrong,
But the feelin's gone
And I just can't get it back...

I'll Be Back...

2006-03-02T11:55:00.000-05:00

Soon.

Bronchial Pneumonia has gotten the best of me. Be back when I feel semi-human again...

I Eat Trolls For Breakfast...

2006-02-16T12:57:00.000-05:00

Just thought I'd make that abundantly clear...

PS: Had a great Valentine's, watched Bridget Jones' Diary, had a party for myself, and enjoyed the beautiful bouquet of flowers Chuck and Brad sent to me. Being alone can be fun, even if you don't remember a lot of it. I've always said, if you can't be with the one you love, then love the one you're with- and well, I do love myself! ;0)

The Day All Spinsters Dread...

2006-02-13T19:41:00.000-05:00

Is quickly approaching us. I've already had the "desperate" phone calls from the ex's who just didn't want to be alone, or at the very least, needed a "trophy" to show off tomorrow night. Of course, Chuck was the first caller. He used the "it's been awhile", line to try to get me to agree to a nice dinner and some dancing. Damn him. It's been so long since I've been to dinner and dancing. I must admit, I was tempted, even if it was Chuck. Don't worry, I declined. I had a couple of calls from some doctors I had dated briefly from the city a long time ago.

Tell me, why does Valentine's day bring out the most insecure, desperate emotions in so many people? It's just a day. That's it. A day. Society puts so much emphasis on Valentine's Day, that all of us singleton's are made to feel like shit because we're alone- even when it's by CHOICE. Sure, I could be with someone right now, but I'm CHOOSING to be alone. I'm choosing to pull a "Bridget Jones" tomorrow night by drinking a bottle of wine myself, smoking a pack of cigarettes and singing "All By Myself" in my sheep pajamas!

Sure, my ideal night would be going out and having a drink with Bobby, enjoying a few dances, just having a good time. Nothing more that what it is, we're friends. Bobby's one of my dearest friends, and one I miss terribly. Sure, there's still a flame burning deep inside for him, but it's held way down in the deepest crevice of my heart- it would take a lot to get that back to the surface again. So, for now, we are what we are. I know he's been buried in a case lately, so I'm sure even if I did pick up the phone to ask him for a drink, he wouldn't be able to pull himself away from the file long enough to have a good time, but who knows. I'm still seeing a "Bridget Jones" night in my future!

Take The Time...

2006-02-12T15:11:00.000-05:00

Sorry it's been awhile since I've posted... You know how it goes, sometimes you just get "stuck" in life, that everyday joys become a task. After I recieved this from a friend, it reminded me to get back to things that really matter... even when life seems to get in the way. Enjoy.

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gas up and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." .She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say "Hi"?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away.... Life is not a race Take it slower. Hear the music, before the song is over.

Llama Love...

2006-02-07T14:38:00.000-05:00

LONDON (Reuters) - Stuck for romantic inspiration with Valentine's Day just a week away?

Then consider llamas.

A charity with the slogan "get calmer with a llama" is offering romantic country strolls for the lovelorn, leading a llama together around the picturesque Lake District in northwestern England.

"Chatting over a llama is certainly a novel way to meet people in a relaxed environment, and participants can enjoy a romantic picnic afterwards -- carried by the ever obliging llamas in their backpacks," said owner Mary Walker.

Walker, whose Lakeland Llamas charity helps the disabled, is keen to assure lonely hearts that contrary to their bad press, the South American relatives of the camel do not habitually spit at or bite people but are in fact friendly and docile.

Anyone interested can click on www.lakelandllamatreks.co.uk

Now- for the biggest laugh of all- see THIS link!

Blogger Ate My Post...

2006-02-07T00:18:00.000-05:00

Yes, I had typed up a nice, long, detailed post... and it became the victim of an angry blogger... So this is all you get for now... Until I calm myself enough to rewrite it...

It's Been Awhile...

2006-02-03T14:21:00.000-05:00

Since I've posted a real post. I've gone out almost every night, and had to work every day. There hasn't been a lot of "Chloe'" time. I've been really happy for once. I've needed to regain the magic that I felt when I first moved to New York nearly four years ago. Last night, I went ice skating with some of the nurses from Carmel Ridge. Let me tell you, that was a sight to see! Being born and raised in Tennessee, ice skating isn't something we got to do much of- well, because, we just didn't get the kind of snow that New York gets. With this being said, imagine a clumsy southern girl on ice skates with her friends who've been skating all their lives. It was definitely a "America's Funniest Videos" moment. I have a nice bruise in the shape of ice skate blade on my thigh, and a VERY sore butt!!!

On tuesday, after ballet, I rushed to get ready for curtain call. Maria scored the leading role in "All This, And Heaven Too!", which happens to be one of my FAVORITE stories. Seeing her acting it out took my breath away. Watching a play, captivates me. I become part of the story with the actors and actresses. I always look forward to seeing Maria perform. I know it's only a matter of time until she makes it to Broadway.

That's just a fraction of what I've had going on recently. Staying busy has really helped keep me focused on me, and not Chuck or Bobby. Chuck is still calling, but thankfully not as much. Maybe he's found someone new to harass. We can always hope. As for Bobby. He's. Well. He's Bobby. What can I say? I miss him. That's for sure. We still talk, but not like we used to- I'd really like that to change, and am going to work on that... We'll see what happens.

Taking A Breather...

2006-02-01T15:18:00.000-05:00

Men See You As Desirable

Men often find you immediately attractive and sensual
You're honesty is refreshingly beautiful ... it draws guys in
You are also able to be open with your feelings with no emotional baggage
Packing light means you enjoy new relationships easily

How Do Men See You?

Your Love Quote

Love makes the wildest spirit tame, and the tamest spirit wild.

What Love Quote Suits You?

You Are Sophisticated Sexy

You're a classy woman, and you carry yourself with grace.
Most men are in awe of you, and even a bit intimidated by you.
You always make sure you're looking great, from head to toe.
And your charm and wit gets you on the good side of everyone you meet.

What Kind of Sexy Are You?

For My Girlfriends...

2006-01-29T16:29:00.000-05:00

When I was little,
I used to believe in the concept of one best friend,
and then I started to become a woman.
And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up,
God would show you the best in many friends.

One friend's best is needed when you're going through things with your children.
Another friend's best is needed when you're going through things with your mom.
Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be.

One friend will say let's pray together,
another let's cry together,
another let's fight together,
another let's walk away together.

One friend will meet your spiritual need,
another your shoe fetish,
another your love for movies,
another will be with you in your season of confusion,
another will be your clarifier,
another the wind beneath your wings.

But whatever their assignment in your life,
on whatever the occasion,
on whatever the day,
or where ever you need them to meet you...
with their gym shoes on and hair pulled back
or to hold you back from making complete fool of yourself ...
those are your friends.

It may all be wrapped up in one woman,
but for many it's wrapped up in several ...
one from 7th grade,
one from high school,
several from the college years,
a couple from old jobs,
several from church,
on some days your mother,
on others your sisters,
and on some days it's the one that you needed
just for that day
or week when you needed someone with a fresh perspective,
or the one who didn't know all your baggage,
or the one who would just listen without judging...
those are good girlfriends/best friends

I thank my girlfriends,
those who honor intimacy,
those who hold trust,
and those who hold me up when
life is just too heavy!

The special bond we share is unique.
Thanks for the words we've shared.
The prayers we've sent up.
The laughs, the tears, the phone calls, the emails,
the shopping, the movies, the lunches, the dinners,
the talking, talking, talking and the listening, listening, listening....

So whether you've been there 20 minutes or 40 years, I love you!

Nostalgic...

2006-01-28T11:23:00.000-05:00

I've been on a "let's remember" kick lately. I suppose that's probably due to the lack of time and/or energy due to over-working myself. I've only gone out a couple of nights this week, by choice. Sitting at home just simply relaxing and unwinding has been a welcome change for me. You know, it's strange just how much you can actually accomplish while sitting. The box of photographs I found earlier, I went through and sorted them, placing them in various photo albums and frames throughout my apartment.

I laughed as I looked at the pictures of Maria from various rehearsals. You know, after the pictures I've taken of her, it's a miracle we're still friends! Then there's Susan. Our Thanksgiving pictures, well, they're priceless. The picture of Susan standing outside on my balcony deep frying a turkey in the middle of a cold New York winter, it's just not right. Then again, neither is the fact that she was carving the turkey with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. That picture went into a frame. Maybe I'll have wallets made from the print and include them in Christmas cards next year. Does anyone out there think I have death wish?

I found pictures I had forgotten all about- pictures from bars and parties we'd attended years ago. Karaoke pictures where we were singing our hearts out, and having the time of our lives doing so. As I looked at each picture, for a moment, I was there again- wherever I was when the picture was taken. I could remember the feelings I had in each one- happiness, anxiety, excitement, love- everything.

I've often wondered, if there were no words, only pictures to tell the story of our lives, what would people think of who we were and how we lived? Would people think all I did was drink, smoke, and party all the time? Would they know how much I loved life, my friends, family, God, dancing, singing, and everything in between? Would they see my soul, my faith, my heartbreak, my passions? What would they see? Everyone looking at a photograph sees the same thing, yet so differently. If photographs told the story of your life- just what would they say about you?

Sweet Pandemonium...

2006-01-27T14:22:00.000-05:00

Today tomorrow seems so far away
An the wait in vain, yeah
So safe, in the blinding light of love unchained
In yesterday's grave, yeah

The truth that could set souls free
Is buried within sweet pandemonium
Concealed by disbelief
The riddle stays veiled in sweet pandemonium

Afraid that everything remains unchanged
In this fragile dream, yeah
Ashamed of the shattered remains
Of promises made, yeah

The truth that could set souls free
Is buried within sweet pandemonium
Concealed by disbelief
The riddle stays veiled in sweet pandemonium

Drained by the anger and grief
Faized by the envy and greed
The secret cries for a release
The lucidity hidden deep in sweet pandemonium

The truth that could set souls free
Is buried within sweet pandemonium
Concealed by disbelief
The riddle stays veiled in sweet pandemonium...

Photographs and Memories...

2006-01-26T15:43:00.000-05:00

Having the past couple of days off, I've begun to catch up on some much needed house cleaning, as well as social time with friends. Yesterday, I began digging through my closet in search of my black Nine West heels. As I opened the box, I realized that it wasn't my shoes in the box, but a ton of pictures. I pulled the box out and sat on my bed, just looking at things special times I'd shared with friends.

There were pictures of me, Maria, and Susan in Time Square right after we'd moved to the city. We were absolutely frozen, with big shit-eating grins on our faces. We were young, free, and had our whole lives ahead of us. Living, that's what New York was all about for us. We were going to be living our dreams. The pictures of our apartments when we first moved in- those were classics! There were pictures from nights out on the town, Maria's plays, Susan's restrurants and masterpieces, so many, memories. So many good times.

After spending a good hour looking at pictures the phone rang. It was Bobby. I hadn't talked to him in awhile. Honestly, I just didn't know what to say. I was really glad to hear his voice. He's been under so much recently with work, I could tell by his voice he was worn out. Burning the candle at both ends tends to do that a person. We only talked for a few minutes. That was fine, it was good to just simply catch up for a few moments.

After hanging up the phone, I sat there blankly, realizing just how much I missed our friendship, and the thoughts of possibly something more. I continually push that back. The thoughts that once consumed me, I now only dare to think about. I become overwhelmed by the thoughts, so I bury them deep inside, deep in a crevice in my heart, locked away safely.

I finally got up and got dressed. Having no idea exactly where I was going, I picked out a classy black sweater and pants. Maria and Susan showed up with a bottle of champagne. How insane is it, just to drink a bottle of champagne before going out- and for no good reason? Well, I suppose it was a good reason, we're young, free, alive, and together. What more can you ask for? We made a toast to "Us, just as we are". Yes, it was so "Bridget Jones", but you know, I often feel like poor Bridget. A mixed up woman with a good heart, just trying to get it right. I smoke too much, and probably drink more than I should as well, but hey, we've got one life, and I plan on living it to the fullest.

As we hit the streets, you would've thought we were heading out onto the runway. The three of us locked arms and walked with our heads held high. One of Maria's friends from the theater was going to be reading poetry at a cafe around the corner from her apartment. Don't me wrong, I do enjoy good poetry, but sitting around a cafe, sipping a latte' while listening to poetry just isn't my thing.

How surprised I was when we arrived. It was nothing like what I had expected. The entire scene was really relaxed and mellow. The poetry- was beyond anything I'd ever heard before. Moving, comical, dark, emotional, light-hearted, anything and everything that you could imagine had been written and expressed through expertly chosen, heart-felt words. I was captivated by the rawness, the ability of these people to bear their souls in front of complete strangers. I left last night with a completely different outlook on so many things in life, on so many people.

Walking back to my apartment, the bitter cold didn't bother me. My soul had been warmed by the light of others. I learned a valuable lesson. Words touch the soul, the can heal, and they can kill- always choose them wisely. You never know when something you say will make all the difference in the world to someone.

What Are You?

2006-01-25T23:43:00.000-05:00

People come into our life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spirtually. They may seem like a Godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need then to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fullfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. BELIEVE IT!!!! It is real!! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those you should build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway), and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Let's Don't All Be Surprised Or Anything...

2006-01-24T19:28:00.000-05:00

Your dream date is Detective Bobby Goren from Criminal Intent! Who says intellect isn't sexy?

Been There. Dated Him. Wouldn't Mind To Do It Again... But That's For Another Day and Time.

Who's your Law & Order dream date?
brought to you by Quizilla

It's 3am...

2006-01-24T03:36:00.000-05:00

And I am lonely. I've been asleep for about six hours. I can't sleep anymore. I'm so exhausted, that my body isn't even able to really sleep. My mind is racing. I can't stop thinking about everything. My job, my friends, Chuck, Bobby, and everything in between. Maria began her new play tonight. Was I there? Hell no. I was a Carmel Ridge playing the martyr. Sometimes, I get tired of being the "good girl"- you know, there's always one in a circle of friends.

The girl who always says the right thing to cheer up her friends, who doesn't miss mass on sunday, and always looks like she stepped right off the cover of Vogue. The one who always has her shit together, and a smile on her face. You can count on her for anything. Oh, and for her man, she'll be hopelessly devoted. Yep. Just stick my picture beside of said description, and there you have it. The "stereotypical good girl".

Even after screwing up majorly, I'm still the "purest" of all my friends. God knows Susan has been there, done half of them, and you could get an STD just listening to the stories about it. Maria. There's a troubled soul. What hasn't she done? Coke, hash, X, if it was out there, the girl has done it. It's a miracle she's alive to tell about it. It's a miracle she has a liver the way she used to drink. Then there's Chloe'. Yes, I've been smoking since I was 13, and drinking since I was around 15, but have always been mostly responsible in both. Drugs- never felt the need to do them. I was high enough on life, I couldn't imagine anything else getting in my way. Sex- didn't need to. I didn't have to validate my worth by making myself a notch on some man's bedpost. Sure, I've been deeply intimate with my share of men, but they were men I had a deep bond with, not just one night stands.

I came to New York City to be an individual. To stand out. To be the worldly, sophisticated woman I knew deep in my heart I was, but couldn't be in a small confined town. When I first moved to New York, I went out EVERY night. I hit a new bar or restrurant every night. I took in all of the sights and culture I could possibly get. Basically, I burned myself out. You would never think that living in a city like New York, that you could be burned out on culture and nightlife- but trust me, you can.

Now, I'm longing to get all of that back, to get out live again. Even at 3:00am, the streets are still alive. People walking up and down the streets, each with a different expression, each carrying a different burden. No matter what we're going through, on the streets of New York, we're all the same. That's one of the beauties of the city. One of the things that keeps me here. So many times, I've thought of packing up and going back home. Leaving behind all that I have here, and returning to simplicity. But once you've come this far, it's hard to go back.

So here I sit, pondering all of the things that I want, and want to be. All of the things I've done, and left undone. As I put my cigarette out, and looked at the clock, I thought about calling Bobby. I know he's awake. He never sleeps. I had to put away our pictures the other night. Coming home after a hard night at work, and seeing something that made me so happy, just overwhelmed me. I couldn't look at it. However, I did leave out the picture of me with Chuck- I need that to remind me how far I've come. But Bobby... where did I go wrong?

It's going to be a long night...

So Much...

2006-01-23T18:27:00.000-05:00

For my weekend of getting out and letting loose- Cassie went into labor at 3:00am on friday. I've picked up her shifts as well as mine. Words can't even express how tired I am. The answering machine is blinking so fast I think it's going to explode. Right now, I'm so exausted, I don't even care. You'll hear from me again soon- once I can get some rest...

Breathing In...

2006-01-20T19:01:00.000-05:00

How many times have sat down and said to ourselves "I'm going to make time to do ______" *fill in the blank with your own needs*, but we never get around to doing it. It seems like we're always so busy in our everyday lives to take time to do the things that really matter. Living in New York, there's never a dull moment in the city. Something is always going on, and there's action on the streets every night. For the past month, I've really let things go, and not in a good way.

I've thrown myself into working and helping others to avoid having to help myself. I didn't want to have to deal with Chuck, and the daily phone calls he's still making me to me. Every day when I come home, there are at least two calls from him, and I just don't want to deal with him. Then, there's Bobby. That's where my heart is. He's been through so much in the past month. We still talk regularly, but I'm having to keep my distance from him. I'm torn. I want to see him, to have things the way they were, but at the same time, knowing that isn't possible. Not right now.

In order to deal with the hurt from both men, I'm giving myself away. I've worked three doubles this week, gladly accepting the extra work. I've had to take on a completely new patient load. Normally, that would be a strain for me, especially having to work with those who have extremely special needs. Working with the mentally ill is a definitely a tricky thing, but working with those who are institutionalize, it can be mentally and emotionally draining. You can't heal them, you can only treat the symptoms. I know , I've said that time and time again, but it's just what's on my mind everyday when I walk into Carmel Ridge. I'll never give up on my patients. Never. They know that. That's why I haven't transferred back to the city. I could. I could have a much h easier job, but I've never been one to take the easy way out.

In the midst of caring for my patients, and throwing myself into work, I've neglected everything else in my life. My friends, my hobbies, and and interests, - many of the things I loved have become secondary, because I don't want to face the hurt. I'm going to have to face it this weekend, because I have a lot of time off- which means a lot of time to think. Deborah and some of the girls from work have asked me to join them for dinner and dancing tomorrow night. I'm actually looking forward to going. Getting out of the apartment will be the best thing for me.

It's time I let go of the hurt and disappointment. I need to stop dwelling on the past- because I can't do a damn thing to change it. All I can do is go on and live- sometimes, it's much easier said than done...

Malibu...

2006-01-19T14:25:00.000-05:00

Crash and burn, all the stars explode tonight
How'd you get so desperate?
How'd you stay alive?
Help me please, burn the sorrow from your eyes
Oh, come on, be alive again
Don't lay down and die

Hey hey, you know what to do
Oh baby, drive away to Malibu

Get well soon, please don't go any higher
How are you so burnt when you're barely on fire?
Cry to the angels, I'm gonna rescue you
I'm gonna set you free
Tonight baby, pour over me

Hey hey, we're all watching you
Oh baby, fly away to Malibu

Cry to the angels, let them swallow you
Go and part the sea, yeah, in Malibu

And the sun goes down, I watch you slip away
And the sun goes down, I walk into the waves
And the sun goes down, I watch you slip away
And I watch
And I knew love would tear you apart
Oh, and I knew the darkest secret of your heart

Hey hey, I'm gonna follow you
Oh baby, fly away, yeah, to Malibu

Oceans of angels, oceans of stars
Down by the sea is where you drown your scars, oh oh
I can't be near you
The light just radiates
I can't be near you
The light just radiates

One Flaw In Women...

2006-01-18T13:35:00.000-05:00

Women have strengths that amaze men.

They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in.

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideas.

They give moral support to their family and friends.

Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

A Fine Topic...

2006-01-16T22:26:00.000-05:00

I had received a few e-mails recently asking about my taste in art. I have very eclectic taste in art. My absolute favorite artist is A. Magil. These pieces speak to me in a way nothing has before. The detail, the aura, the essence- it touches my very soul. These are two of my favorite pieces by Magil-

My tastes range from selections by Gustav Klmit to Jan Vermeer, with a little bit of everything in between.

A few pieces from my "Le Fleur Collection"....

Haunted...

2006-01-15T18:40:00.000-05:00

I have no idea how I've made it through the day. I've been haunted by dreams the past few nights. I keep seeing all that could've been, and all that's passed me by. I wake up in tears, screaming at the top of my lungs. I see Bobby. I see him when we were happy, when I really thought we were going to make it. My life was so happy, so complete. Then like a light, it disappears. He's gone, I can't find him. He's left me in the darkness, searching for him, screaming endlessly. I run, and run, but he's no where to be found. I turn around, and I see Chuck running behind me, chasing me. I can't get away from him, and I can't find Bobby. I'm lost, with no way out. My only reprieve is consciousness.

When I wake up, the dreams stop, but not the haunting memories. The haunting memories of what has been, and what I don't have- All that I can't leave behind. Why do we torture ourselves? Why do we always obsess over the things we don't have, or a past that that we wish were different? Why can we not accept the way things are, and go on with our lives?

Maybe it's true. Maybe I'm not ready to let go of either. Maybe I don't want to. I mean, Bobby is still in my life. We're still friends, but that doesn't keep me from having the feelings that I do. I constantly think that maybe if I had just told him, had just shown him, I'd never have gotten myself into this mess with Chuck. I guess that's why I don't really blame Chuck for anything that's happened. He was a "rebound" man. I was hurting, and he was there. I suppose I did use him, and that was wrong of me.

No, that doesn't justify the things he's done to me, but I suppose I can understand it more because of this. I just keep sitting, looking out into the cold New York night, wondering where I went wrong. I used to have it all together. I had things figured out, I knew where I was going, and what I wanted- now, it feels as if I know nothing. For every step I take forward, I step an entire foot back. What does it take to get ahead? What will it take to get me back to good? Cigarettes: 24, why do I even count anymore?

This Crazy Thing I Call Life...

2006-01-14T14:02:00.000-05:00

Yes, my life has been insane the past week. Between work and friends, I haven't had much spare time to myself. Susan has gotten on this art kick. She's wanting to completely redesign her apartment. We've hit gallery after gallery in search of the perfect pieces. The hardest part, our taste in art is completely different. Everything I like, she doesn't. I give up. Maria is getting ready to being performing Measure for Measure on February 28th. That sounds like a lot of time to be preparing, but it really isn't. She's an excellent actress though- I've got every confidence that she'll ace her performance.

Work has been hectic. "Emma's" been very restless at night, and I'm not sure why. She's been fine during the day, coherent, alert, lively, but at night, restless and agitated. I know she's worried about Bobby. He's been putting in long hours and not taking any time for himself. That bothers her. I've tried re-assuring her that Bobby's fine. He knows what he can and can't handle. I spoke with him briefly last night. He was working a double and absolutely worn out.

I arrived home to find another message from Chuck, wanting to see me tonight. I haven't called him back. I just don't understand why the man feels he needs to keep on calling me. It's absolutely insane. I've never had anyone call me that much in my entire life. Not even when my friends had "a man crisis". I don't want to think about him right now.

I have a splitting headache. I went out with some of the girls from Carmel Ridge last night. We had a nice dinner then went out for some drinks. You know what happens when you get a group of crazy women together in a bar. Well, that explains the headache I have today.

Songs On My Mind...

2006-01-13T03:36:00.000-05:00

I've been listening to a lot of music lately. HIM especially. "This Fortress of Tears" is one of my absolute FAVORITE songs. If you've never heard it, you definitely should. What are some of your favorite songs/artist AND songs/artist that you can't stand? Me...

Love- Fortress of Tears- Him, Poison Apples- Joan Osborne, Brilliant Disguise- Bruce Springsteen, At Last- Joan Osborne, Your Love- The Outfield, Sister Christian- Night Ranger, These Arms of Mine- Joan Osborne, Sweet Pandemonium- HIM, Sunset Grill- Don Henley, As Long As It Matters- Gin Blossms, Wagon Wheel- Old Crow Medicine Show, The Space Between- Dave Matthews Band

Hate- Most All Faith Hill, Green Day, Gwen Steffani, Jessica Simpson, most "boy bands", Neil Young, *I'm sure there are more- and as I think of them, I'll post them*

Your turn!

Addiction...

2006-01-12T22:48:00.000-05:00

5 Things I'm Addicted To:

1. Cigarettes

2. Beauty- anything to make me more beautiful and retain my youth (Yes, I suppose I am vain)

3. Chocolate

4. Men

5. Dr. Pepper

I've tagged everyone under the sun in past posts- so if you haven't been tagged- then you're it!

Lonely...

2006-01-12T16:12:00.000-05:00

I was told to tell a lie
Instead I kissed the boys,
and made them cry
And, still you think it's funny
I was late,
Well, God told me to wait
And in the end, when hearts were handed out
Some of us missed out

But if you're lonely,
Kiss the boys and make them cry
It only, hurts you for a little while
And we'll keep, turning,
Turning round the sun,
And all the days roll into one.

I took my time to look around
In love and all the places I have been
I pushed and stumbled in,
But I was late,
Still God told me to wait
And if I throw a pile of magic beans
Lets hope that I don't sneeze

But if you're lonely,
Kiss the boys and make them cry
It only, hurts you for a little while
And we'll keep, turning,
Turning round the sun,
And all the days roll into one.

Georgie Porgie pudding and pie
Kiss the boys and make them cry
When the boys came out to play
Georgie Porgie ran away
Georgie Porgie ran away

But if you're lonely,
Kiss the boys and make them cry
It only, hurts you for a little while
And we'll keep, turning,
Turning round the sun,
And all the days roll, into into one.
And we'll keep, turning,
Turning round the sun,
And all the days roll, into into one.
And we'll keep, turning,
Turning round the sun,
And all the days roll, into into one.

If you're lonely
If you're lonely

Þinn Barn Aldrei Myndarleg manneskja Góður Í Blár...

2006-01-11T23:14:00.000-05:00

So very, very true. I woke up this morning with a splitting headache. Thank God I was off, was all I kept thinking. I had turned the ringer off on my phone, so my answering machine was beeping like crazy. Deborah, wanting to tell me how great class went last night, that I really have a way with the kids. That was sweet. I really am enjoying teaching ballet in my spare time. Next call- Susan. Wanting me to meet her for lunch around the corner, she has something important to tell me. Hmmmmmm, wonder what's going on there. Maria- wanting me to stop by rehearsal tonight if I'm not busy. That'll depend upon how I feel. Bobby. That was a pleasant surprise. Just wanting to see how I'm doing. Last call- and certainly the VERY least. Chuck. Yes. The nutjob called this morning.

My feelings about Chuck go back and forth from day to day. Somedays, I think it's not a big deal, he's an ok guy. Not my dream man, but he's ok. Other days, I find myself afraid of him, second guessing my every move. The message was kind and sweet. He just called to see how I was doing, and to let me know he's thinking of me. The same type of message Bobby typically leaves for me. However, Bobby's messages have never creeped me out before. I just brushed Chuck's call off, returning the rest.

I wanted to tell Bobby so badly today about Chuck, but I could tell just by the tone of his voice, he wasn't having a good day. The last thing I want to do is burden him with my problems. I mean, it's a problem enough being so confused. My feelings for him change from one day to the next. Ok. I'll admit it. Denial is the best way to describe the situation. If I deny it, it doesn't hurt so badly. I didn't tell Bobby about Chuck. I kept the conversation short and sweet. I had honestly wanted to go have a drink with him tonight, just relax, relieve so stress, but right now, that's really not a good idea.

I finally got myself together and met Susan. She's gotten a new job. A much more upscale restaurant with better pay and benefits. Thank goodness. She's been stressing about her job for so long, finding out she's finally gotten a new one makes things so much easier for everyone around her. She really wanted to go out tonight to celebrate. We called a huge group of friends and made reservations at one of Susan's favorite restaurants.

There ended up being 23 people in all. I was really excited to get together with everyone. Justin, Jake, Carrie, Gigi, Jeremy, and all of the people I haven't seen in so long had so much to say. We were able to catch up on all of the happenings from the past couple of months. I dodged the questions about my "love life" as much as I could. I didn't feel like trying to explain why I'm not with Bobby, when honestly, I don't even know myself, and why I have another detective virtually stalking me. Thank goodness for alcohol is all I can say. It's your best friend when people ask you uncomfortable questions. Simply offer to buy them a drink, make a toast or take a shot, and all is forgotten. If only that were true for the big things in life... C'est La Vie...

Regret, Shame, And All That You Can't Live Without....

2006-01-10T22:43:00.000-05:00

I've spent a lot of time beating myself up over Chuck and New Year's Eve. It's one of the nights I regret most in my life. For me, getting out what's bothering me and finding other's who've been through the same thing, often helps to begin the healing process. What has happened in your life that you regret, or you wish you could just erase. A harsh word to a loved one, a bad relationship, a missed opportunity? Share with me...

No Penguins Were Harmed During This Quiz...

2006-01-10T21:57:00.000-05:00

Four jobs you've never had in your life:

Professional Student
Locksmith
Dog Trainer
Sex Toy Inventor

Four movies you don't want to watch even once:

Romeo and Juliet
West Side Story
Spice World
Full Frontal

Four places you've never lived:

Abu Dhabi
Walla Walla, WA
Intercourse, PA
Butte, MO

Four television shows you've never watched:

Desperate Housewives
House
24
Lost

For places you've never been on vacation:

Detroit, MI
Mexico City
Paris, Tx
Athens, TN

Four of your least favorite foods:

Liver
Asperagus
Brussels Sprouts
Cauliflower

Four places you'd rather not be:

On Flat Land
Iraq
Anywhere in the middle east
At a Neil Young concert

Four albums (cds) you can live without:

Any Neil Young Album
Green Day- Dookie
Any Faith Hill Album
Any Styx Album

TAG- EVERYONE is it!!!

Ok... I'm Soliciting...

2006-01-10T14:34:00.000-05:00

Your vote would be appreciated- VERY much...

If you like me- let THEM know!

Just What I Needed...

2006-01-10T03:00:00.000-05:00

After the craziness of the past couple of weeks, I really needed to just get out and have some fun. Susan and I met Maria and the girls at the bar tonight. I told them NO Bliss tonight. I wasn't in the mood to run into Chuck. We went to Jade's regular bar, Off The Wagon. Yep, everyone there, fell off the wagon a long time ago. It was definitely one of the most packed bars I've been to in Manhattan. Two levels of nothing but partying.

I must admit, I had a wonderful time. I won six rounds of pool against Jade, Susan, and four guys I didn't know! Ladies, make a note of this- if you're broke, this is THE bar to go to... I didn't pay for a single drink. I met some really nice men tonight. Guys who weren't trying to take me to the hotel, just looking for someone to have a good conversation with, maybe even a few games of pool. All drinks were on them, which was a BIG plus!

Although Jade had a little too much fun. I had a flashback to December 14th, and Alex dancing on the bar. Jade was on top of the bar dancing and having a wonderful time. I couldn't help but laugh at her. A 36 year old woman breaking it down, drunk off her ass. Just wrong. Getting together and letting our hair down, has been the most wonderful experience. Leaving our problems at the door, and just going where the night takes us- it's something we all need to do more often.

Life is so short, it's too short to be lived full of regret and worry. I guess that's why when I saw Chuck watching us from across the street it didn't really worry me. Although Susan threatened to call the police. Yeah right. Who the hell is gonna believe her or me over another cop? Maybe that's why it's 3:00am and I'm still awake. If I knew Bobby was awake, I'd call him. But would he believe me? I'm gonna lay back down. I can't worry about it, not right now. This will probably end up being a long night..

Floating Between...

2006-01-09T15:24:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had one of those days where you constantly feel like you're floating between consciousness and unconsciousness? It's the strangest feeling. I barely remember working. The drive to Carmel and back- a complete blur. In spite of the "Chuck" drama, I've managed to keep myself somewhat sane. That's not to say that the guilt isn't still there, because it is- but I'm taking things day by day. One day at a time.

I got home to find the answering machine beeping at me loudly. Damn. I just wanted a few minutes of peace and quiet to gather my thoughts and clear my cloudy mind. Three messages from Chuck. Three. Although, one, did actually make me feel better. I think it probably took up over half of the memory on my answering machine. He apologized for being such an insensitive ass. He admitted saying things to intentionally hurt me because he felt rejected. He wasn't used to dating a woman like me *where I have heard this one before?*. Anyway, to make a really long story short, he was basically asking for forgiveness.

Yes, Chuck is an ass. We all know it. As warped as this is going to sound, I do have a soft spot for him. I know getting back together with him is not the right thing to do, but I would like for him to know I can forgive him for the horrible things he said. I'm not looking for drama, a one night stand, or marriage from this man. However, he was my "first", and will always have a special place in my heart, even if he's not the love of my life.

I called Susan, letting her hear the message he left. Of course, Susan wasn't quite as forgiving as I was after hearing it. I was on the phone with her a good thirty minutes before she stopped using language that wasn't suitable for those under 17 years of age. Yes, basically she called him everything but a white man. I can't blame her. We were the same way about Shane, and Wes, and... I won't go on. You get the picture.

So much for getting some "Chloe' Time" today. While talking to Susan, she informed me that she and Maria had spoken to Deborah, Carly, and Mia, and tonight, we were going out for a "girls night out". Ok, sounds like fun. It's been a long time since we've been out- just the girls. A nice dinner and a few drinks- probably some men bashing and gossip. Just what I need to get out of this funk I'm in... I'm seriously thinking of going on the patch, had anyone tried it? Cigarette prices are obscene in New York!

The Subject Is Love and Sex...

2006-01-07T18:11:00.000-05:00

After reading this post by Deb. I opened my eyes, realizing just how much more there was to love and sex than I had allowed myself to think about. In society, today, we place so much emphasis on sex. We think there can't be a relationship without sex. Sex is the ultimate. No. Sex isn't the ultimate. It's about much more than just "getting off". If you've really gotta "get off", there's plenty of things out there that can help you do so without having to bring another person into the picture.

For many years, as a virgin, I felt like the odd woman out. Constantly being pressured by friends, because "everyone is doing it", and "it's what men want". What happened to love and respect? What happened to really getting to know one another before taking the next step in a relationship. What happened to love? Lust took over. We've allowed lust to get in our way. We've allowed others to decide what's right for us. I, too, caved into the "sensationalism" of it all. I let go of the morals I held true to, to fit in- to be the worldly woman everyone else wanted me to be. I regret that. I'm an individual.

Maybe I am a "goody two shoes". Maybe I don't give of my body freely to just anyone who wants a piece. But when I do give of myself, I give totally, without reservation. I know how to please and be pleased. To quote Deb "It's about quality, not quantity". The best lovers aren't necessarily the one's who've had the most experience. With that being said, I know what I want and what I like. I know what I don't like. I know that my personal beliefs in sex and relationships are what some would call "old fashioned" or "conventional". Up until recently, I was able to look at myself in the mirror without shame and regret, because I stood up for my convictions. I gave of myself when things felt secure and "right".

Basically what I'm saying is this, so what if everybody's doing it? So what if that's what they expect. Do what YOU expect of YOURSELF. Be true to YOU. No matter what choices you decide to make, make sure, ultimately, you'll be able to look at yourself in the mirror the next morning and be ok with who you are- regardless.

Always remember- after the sex is over, it means much more to have someone to talk to that gets you, than someone you keep looking at wishing they'd leave.

Be Aware...

2006-01-07T14:26:00.000-05:00

Please check out this link . It's so sad, and shouldn't be happening. Don't close your eyes, or turn your head- deal with it, regardless of whether or not you think it's right or wrong- it's all about repect. Love is love. Don't judge that which you do not understand.

Walk blindly to the light and reach out for his hand
Don't ask any questions and don't try to understand
Open up your mind and then open up your heart
And you will see that you and me aren't very far apart

'Cause I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way

Violence is spread worldwide and there are families on the street
And we sell drugs to children now oh why can't we just see
That all we do is eliminate our future with the things we do today
Money is our incentive now so that makes it okay

But I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way...

Breathing In...

2006-01-06T02:58:00.000-05:00

A breath of the cold New York air. When you walk the streets of New York at night, you see the theater of the living. There's nothing like it. The night was cold as ice, but I needed the chill to remind me just how human I really am. I'm breathing- barely breathing. I passed a family as I walked home from rehearsal. They were cold, their clothes were ragged, and looked as if they didn't know where their next meal was coming from- my heart went out to them. I wanted to go to them, to give them all the money I had, to feed them, help them- just something. I passed a man who was singing at the top of his lungs, to everyone, and no one. Lost in his own little world. What euphoria that must be- not having to deal with the stress of reality.

I got lost in the faces, captivated by the sights of each individual. I saw a thousand emotions in a matter of minutes. If you allow yourself to look around, it can overwhelm you. It's in your face, so you either deal with it, or you don't. You either cave in, or harden your heart- there's no purgatory on the streets of New York City.

After a harsh reality check, I needed to escape. I needed to dance. I walked down to the dance studio. There are no classes on thursday night, so I knew I could dance my heart out, and on one would bother me. I could cleanse my mind, body and soul through dance. I changed my clothes and played the entire "Flashdance" CD. Flashdance. How ironic is it that a movie about a welder/exotic dancer produced so many beautiful artistic dance routines? I know each dance by heart. I feel the music. I feel the dance. It reminds me I'm alive, and what an outstanding gift God has given me.

I didn't close the blinds. Anyone walking down the streets could watch me. It didn't matter. I had nothing to hide, and nothing to show. I wasn't performing for anyone but myself. I was pushing myself for me. I was breaking through, re-connecting with who I am. I was absolutely exhausted by the time CD was finished. I sat down wearily against the wall of mirrors and took a good hard look at myself. I really, looked at myself. I'm pushing 30. I've been riding through my life being the "nice girl", the "sweet girl", the "sister". I'm a woman. I have thoughts. I have interests. I have needs. What am I doing about this? Going to the bars and getting drunk isn't cutting it.

I stood up, wiping the tears from my eyes. I'm ready to start over. I'm ready to be who I was born to be, not who I was made to be. I'm ready to do what I expect of me, not what everyone else expects. As I spun around one last time, I saw someone watching me out of the corner of my eye. By the time I was able to turn around- they were gone. I couldn't tell if it was a man or a woman, nor do I know how long they were watching me. It doesn't matter- it's not about them, it's about me. It's about looking forward, without fear.

Day From Hell...

2006-01-05T21:13:00.000-05:00

I met Chuck for lunch today. I wanted to meet on neutral territory. I figured that was the best thing to do. Maybe he wouldn't cause a scene if I met him in public. Oh. No. I met him right down the street from my apartment, a little diner that I was familiar with- just in case. I explained to him that I had enjoyed his company, that we had some good times, but I'm not ready for a relationship, and didn't appreciate our affairs being the talk of the police department.

Of course, he denied ever saying a word. Right. He kept swearing it was because of the phone call. No. Well, yes, that's part of it. It's more to do with the fact that I feel nothing for this man, and I'm not attracted to him. Yes, he's an attractive man, he's got a good career, is financially stable, and was crazy about me- but he's an ass. The true definition of a pig. He's so arrogant, he can't fathom why I wouldn't want to see him anymore.

Then, he threw Bobby into the mix. It's all about that other "dick", as he referred to him. That did it. This wasn't about Bobby. It was about me, and Chuck- and all the drama we've been through in a matter of a couple of weeks. It's only been a couple of weeks- he's acting like we were together for three years or something! C'mon- let it go!

I'd finally had enough. I paid the waitress, and told Chuck good-bye, and not to call me anymore. He made a scene, screaming about how I'd be back, and I'd be sorry- that he was the best thing that's ever happened to me that, and I quote, "Bobby Goren can have you, you're just damaged goods now". Great. The whole friggin' cafe heard every word. I was mortified. I ran out and down the block to my apartment. I sat there in tears for over an hour.

What did I do to deserve this? I honestly tried not to lead him on. I told him we'd made a mistake on New Year's Eve, that I wasn't like that. I'm not a complete prude, but I'd prefer to know someone- have a connection with them before hopping into bed. He acted all understanding, then went behind my back and talked about me like some common trash! He's a 47 year old man! Not some 16 year old boy! I- I'm just stunned.

At least it's over. I'm finished with him- he's out the door. As much as I hate admitting it- Mike is right. So what if Chuck was the first. So I screwed up. I have other chances. Just because he wasn't "Mr. Right", my world won't end. I have plenty of chances with whomever I wish. I just have to be more careful- next time. I've learned a lot from the experience. No things don't always turn out like we've planned, and when things go wrong, we must learn and go on.

I tried calling Bobby. I just wanted him to know things are over between me and Chuck and to keep his ears open. I know he's probably going to be talking some trash about me, and I'd like to know what's going on. I got his voicemail. I don't know what's going on with him. He was really cold, really distant yesterday. It wasn't like him at all. I don't understand, but I'm going to give him some space. He'll call me when he's ready to talk. It's just hard. I'm used to talking to him almost daily.

Maria called a few minutes ago, she has rehearsal tonight. I'm going to stop by. I didn't even ask what play she's working on- doesn't really matter, I just need to get out of the house. Cigarettes: 28, I'm back up there again.

Stuck... In A Moment

2006-01-05T18:32:00.000-05:00

I'm not afraid of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company

I never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you
You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere, baby

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I will not forsake, the colours that you bring
But the nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing
I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me
I still listen through your ears, and through your eyes I can see

And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it's tough, and you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now... my oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Oh love look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm till you discover how deep...
I wasn't jumping... for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better now
You're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along the stony pass
It's just a moment
This time will pass...

Reflecting...

2006-01-04T17:32:00.000-05:00

After talking to Bobby today- I broke down. I've tried to play things so cool. It's not a big deal. So, I slept with a man I didn't love. It's ok. Lots of people do it. Bullshit. It matters to me. No matter how much I try to pretend it's ok, it's not. I gave Chuck the most precious gift I can only give once, and I don't even remember it. How could I be so stupid? How could I let myself get so drunk and lower my inhibitions so much that this happened? As if that wasn't bad enough- Bobby. My dear Bobby had to find out.

Bobby. I care much more for him than he'll ever know. I know right now, he can't give me what I want from him so desperately, that I've just stepped away. Sure, we're still friends, best of friends, but... There's more. I wanted him to be "the one". I knew he would take care of me, that he would be gentle, that he wouldn't hurt me- or exploit me the way Chuck has.

What Bobby must think of me now. He probably thinks I'm some complete trash. I never even remotely made a move on him. There was reason for that. I really wanted to be sure- to be sure that we'd make it. That there would be an "us", before I took that step. I need him to know that- but how? It's not just something you casually bring up in conversation. "Oh by the way, Bobby- it's not personal that we didn't have sex, I just wanted to make sure we were gonna make it. Oh, and that Chuck thing- stupid on my part". That would go over REALLY well.

I've screwed myself over majorly. I lost my virginity to a man I didn't love, as a matter of fact, can't stand now, and in the process I might've lost the one man I truly love. How do I pick up the pieces? What do I do? I'm at a loss...

I think I'm going to pull a Bridget Jones, smoke a pack of cigarettes, drink a bottle of wine and sing "All By Myself" at the top of my lungs.

Drama...The Story Of My Life

2006-01-04T13:03:00.000-05:00

I had a great night last night. Class went great. I'm learning all the little things in ballet that I had forgotten from so many years ago. Even though I'm teaching a younger group, I'm also realizing I'm a little more out of shape than I thought I was. Perhaps Pilates is in order? When I arrived home, my answering machine was beeping. Chuck. This guy is starting to really get on my nerves. Even though he swears he didn't make that phone call, there's something about him I'm really uneasy about. Maybe it's nothing. I don't know.

I made a fuzzy navel and sat down with a book. I was relaxed for the first time in a long time. When I woke up this morning, the phone was ringing. Please, not Chuck, it's too early. It was Bobby. That was definitely a pleasant surprise. He was much cooler that usual. Distant. I didn't understand. We hadn't had a falling out, and to the best of my knowledge everything was fine between us.

"We" weren't the problem. I finally asked him what the problem was- he wasn't acting right. He told me I was the talk of the bullpin. Apparently, Chuck has been blabbing to everyone about us. Only, there's not an "us" to brag about. I tried to explain to Bobby that he was just a guy I met at a bar. We went out a few a times, and I made a big mistake. One I regret. I told him about the phone call yesterday, that it came from Chuck's, and he insisted on staying the night. I made him sleep in my guest room and it really pissed him off. I don't want anything else to do with him- I just want rid of him. I don't even like talking about him now.

Bobby knows me. He knows I'm not the kind of person Chuck is making me out to be. Bobby knows the real me. I wanted to see him tonight, just for drinks or dinner- just to talk. He said couldn't tonight, but that he'd call me later. Damn Chuck. Bobby is one of my best friends, he will NOT come between us.

Absit Omen May The Omen Be Absent...

2006-01-03T16:20:00.000-05:00

Last night was a long one, once again. Chuck insisted on spending the night, even though I completely protested, telling him I would be fine. I could tell he was more than a little disappointed that I didn't offer to share my bed with him. I don't typically make a habit of hopping into bed with men after only a week. Yeah, I screwed up the other night. I'll be the first to admit it, but that doesn't mean I need to continue to do so. I don't want to give Chuck the wrong idea. He's a great guy, it's just- it's not there. The chemistry, the chemistry I had with- nope. Stopping myself. Not going there.

Chuck sat up with me, going over every detail of my day, and his. Trying to figure out how this "mysterious phone call" was placed. He had been over his apartment with a fine tooth comb. Nothing, absolutely nothing. I kept telling him not to worry about it. It's over. I'm fine. No harm done. I was just freaked out thinking he was some sort of nutjob. The man won't leave well enough alone. Thank God I have to commute to Carmel every day. At least he can't follow me there. Work was a welcome relief today.

No strange phone calls, no cryptic song messages left on my answering machine. I'm not worried. Going to rest for awhile and then get ready to head to the dance studio. Ballet night. I think after that, I'm going to curl up with a good book. A night at home sounds like fun for a change.

On A Lighter Note...

2006-01-03T11:18:00.000-05:00

Ken has tagged me! *I wasn't slapped by a penguin this time*.

These are the rules of the game: You must write a journal entry listing those weirdnesses you possess ~ as well as the rules of the game. Then, you select five people to tag and link their names/blogs in your entry. Go to their journals and leave a comment informing them they have been tagged by you and to read your journal to see in what way they have been nailed! Those five then MUST write an entry listing their weird habits and tag an additional five people...

Ok, Five Weird Habits:

1. I sleep with a "security cow".

2. I can't sleep without "moisture lock footies" on my feet.

3. I can only eat ketchup from fast food restaurants with the food from that restaurant. *IE: I can't eat McDonald's ketchup with a meal from Wendy's. It messes up my entire world*.

4. I won't drink tap water. It has to be filtered.

5. I won't smoke cigarettes from a "soft pack". If they're not in the box, I can't handle it.

Now, everyone thinks I'm nuts. Time for me to TAG some more victims!

1. Penguin Pal
2. Mikey "The There's No Porn Fairy" Logan
3. Faye
4. Geoffrey

PS: I've had people asking what a "Security Cow" is- it's a stuffed cow I sleep with, similiar to a "security blanket" or a teddy bear- Mine just happens to be a cow. I'm weird like that...
5. Pinky

Stranger...

2006-01-02T20:23:00.000-05:00

After checking my messages and my caller ID, it was clear who left my mysterious message. Chuck. Why? That's beyond strange, and borderline scary. I've only been casually seeing this man for what, a week? And now he's leaving cryptic "song messages" on my answering machine, I really don't need this. I debated on what to do. Maybe it was joke? Maybe he was doing this all in light-hearted fun. After all, he knows I love 80's music, and Prince, well, he does top the list. What if it wasn't a joke. What if he's nuts? I can't handle that. After debating and debating, I picked up the phone and called him. He didn't mention calling me, as a matter of fact, he said he had been tied up in court all day long.

Court. That's not possible. The call came from HIS apartment at 3:35pm. It's on my caller ID, there's no denying where the call came from. I was silent. I didn't know what to say. My first thought is, "This man is a complete nutjob, I have to get away from him, and FAST". Running. It's what I do best. He kept asking me what was wrong. I finally broke down and told him to stop lying to me. I knew he wasn't in court, and he called me, leaving a song on my answering machine and it wasn't cute or funny- it's downright creepy.

He acted completely stunned, as if he had NO idea what I was talking about. I played the message for him, asking him again, angrily if he was going to deny doing it. He swore to me he was in court, and could prove it. He told me he was on his way right now with transcripts, proving he had to testify, and assuring me of his whereabouts. I agreed to let him come over tonight. I had to see this proof for myself.

Right on time, 7:00pm sharp, my doorbell rang. It was a disheveled Chuck, holding court transcript papers in his hand. I stood there completely perplexed. How did this happen? Was it a complete fluke? Did the lines get crossed? How did a call come from his apartment when he wasn't there. He lives alone, has no family in the area, NO ONE has a key to his apartment. He assured me he'd never do a thing like that. "For God's sake Chloe', I'm a cop, don't you think I know better than that?", he asked me. I KNOW he SHOULD know better, but in this day in time, you never know who you can or cannot trust.

He has the proof, he was exactly where he said he was, he didn't do it. But who did? Maybe I'm making a big deal over nothing. I'll just let it ride. I just can't shake the feeling that something's wrong. Time will tell I suppose.

The Strangest Thing...

2006-01-02T17:50:00.000-05:00

Baby, baby,baby
What's it gonna be
Is it him or me?

Don't make me waste my time
Don't make me lose my mind baby
Baby, baby, baby
Can't you stay with me tonight?

Oh baby, baby,baby
Don't my kisses please you right?
You were so hard to find
The beautiful one's, they hurt you
Every time

Paint a perfect picture
Bring to life a vision in one's mind
The beautiful one's
Always smash the picture
Always every time

If I told you baby
That I was in love with you
Oh baby, baby, baby
If we got married
Would that be cool?

You make me so confused
The beautiful ones
You always seem to lose

I came home to find this playing on my answering machine... Am I freaked out... You be the judge. *Hint, it didn't come from Bobby*

Frangar Non Flectar...

2006-01-01T18:59:00.000-05:00

I'm just now posting, I know, I'm sorry. It was a LONG night. I do mean long. After hurriedly running to Olivia's apartment to get her dress and visiting for a few minutes, I had to go all the way back to my apartment for to begin getting ready. As I put on my dress, I began to have second thoughts. This is going to be a new year- shouldn't I be celebrating with my friends and loved ones? After all, it's a new dawn, it's a new day- and I want to be feeling fine. Like I said before, if you can't be with the one you love, then love the one you're with... Damn, I can be so stupid sometimes.

I had a glass of Asti to loosen me up a bit while I was getting ready. I put on a little Joan, and really began feeling the spirit. Ok, I was feeling the Asti. One drink turned into an entire bottle. I was drunk by 6:00pm. I kept thinking, at least I look good. I had no idea how I was going to manage a night in my favorite 3" Manolo's, but come hell or high water, it would be done. My hair was styled perfectly. My make-up, immaculate. Maybe I should get drunk to get ready more often. A spritz of Addict. No, no more addictions. A spritz of Chanel No. 5. Classy. Evocative. Always in style. The final touch, my diamond chandelier earrings. I looked like Cosmo's cover girl for the New Year.

As I looked at myself in the mirror, I realized- I had no idea who was looking back at me. Who is Chloe' Gardner? Is she the perfect angel, saintly good-two-shoes that everyone thinks she is? No. She's a humanitarian by nature, a nurturer, a care-giver, but she's so much more than that. She's a woman. No longer defined by what crown is placed upon her head, and what title she represents with honor and dignity. She's tired of having to hold up the ideal of Miss Tennessee. That was years ago, it shouldn't be continuing to shape who I am. It's who I was.

Chloe' Gardner is a woman. A smart, funny, passionate, complicated woman. There's far more than meets the eye. Far more than I've allowed myself to show, than I've allowed myself to be. I've lived in fear of fucking up for years. Allowing myself to live for the moment, to do whatever I wish. To let the wild woman inside of me come out every one in awhile. It's time. I decided tonight, would be the night I lived in the moment, not for the moment. Not focusing on what if, but what is.

Chuck picked me up at 7:45pm. I had sobered up a bit by the time he arrived. He was wearing his dress uniform, and looked very handsome. He had a beautiful corsage for me. A white orchid. It was simple, but breathtaking. I know this man isn't "the one", but he cares about me, and there's no reason why I can't enjoy his company.

I had no idea where we were going, until the limo pulled up to the restaurant. Cascina Ristorante. Several of his friends from the department were already there. There was section reserved just for the department. A private dinner and dance party. What fun! The atmosphere was rustic, yet sensual. I was really glad I accepted Chuck's invitation. I mingled among the eceletic crowd. I was a complete stranger. I did see a few nurses I worked with at the hospital a few months ago. It was good to be able to catch up with who's doing what now, and how everyone is doing.

After dinner, dancing began a little after 9:00pm. Dinner, dancing, and drinks. Lots, and lots of drinks. Champagne flowed freely from every corner of the restaurant. Good times were had by all. I livened up. I danced like I was sixteen again, and drank like I had just turned twenty-one. I don't know how much I had to drink. I don't remember the clock striking midnight. I don't remember coming home. I remember, waking up this morning. I wasn't alone. What have I done? What did I do?

I'm far too ashamed to even ask. My one night. My night of a new beginning. My night of loosening up, living a little, and I went from one extreme to the other. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have let this happen? Chuck left around noon. I was never so glad to see anyone leave in my life. He told me he'd call me later, and would like for me to come over for dinner. That's a big no. I don't feel like dealing with him. It's not exactly his fault. He's not the one who drank himself into oblivion with no idea what the consequences would be in the morning. The consequences. I hadn't even thought about that. Until now. Happy New Year's, Chloe'- may the rest of your year be better than your night.

On Holidays....

2005-12-31T14:08:00.000-05:00

They come out of the woodwork. People you haven't talked to in months- years even, the come out of nowhere to ruin your day. I woke up in a good mood, really looking forward to the start of a new year. The first phone call of the day. I'm expecting Susan, Maria, Allison, maybe even Chuck- Not Brady. Damn. Why did he feel the need to call me? Here I am trying to have a good day, make positive changes in my life, and the biggest pig I know, calls me, wanting to go out tonight. WRONG! I'm not in the mood to hear about HIS apartment on 5th Avenue, and HIS Mercedes, and HIS Condo in Fiji. Me, Me, Me- that's all Brady is about. A 42 year old man with the maturity of 15 year old. Wait, I know 15 year olds who are more mature! Ugh! Pissed me off right away! I got rid of him, luckily Chuck was beeping in on the other line.

I answered Chuck more than annoyed. I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone else. I know I had to be quite the bitch to him. He told me he'd like to take me out for dinner and dancing tonight. Getting to dress up, wearing a ball gown and be treated like a princess is right down my alley! My day turned around in a hurry. What gown to wear? I want to look stunning. I'm letting my hair down, and going to have a good time tonight. I'm starting my resolution of "loosening up" tonight. I'm tired of analyzing every little move and wondering where things are going. I'm living for the minute. I've said it over and over, I'm not guaranteed another day on this earth- and I'm going to live each day as if it were my last.

No, I won't be the man I'd really like to be with, but right now, that's just not possible. If you can't be with the one you love- then love the one you're with *LOL*. I think that's my new motto!

I think I'm going to call Olivia and ask if I can borrow her dress from the ball. Classy yet trashy. That's the look I'm going for tonight. I don't think Olivia will be wearing the dress again for awhile, so I'm sure it's going to be a go. Shoes- covered. I think I'm going to go pour a glass of Asti and begin celebrating- Happy New Years Everyone!

A New Year...

2005-12-31T00:15:00.000-05:00

Ah, the memories I have of this day. From my teenage years, all the way until today. I can remember being so drunk that I didn't neven know it was New Years's, and then the next year, spending it alone, wondering where I had gone wrong. New Year's Eve is a cleansing holiday to me. It symbolizes another year over, and a few new one that is to come. A new year- a new chance to make things right. A chance to change, a chance to grow, a chance to live a better life. Every year, we make resolutions that are typically broken within a few months if not weeks. It's fun, just to see how many you can stick with. Typically, the only ones I've ever stuck with, are the one's that really counted. This year, I want to live more spontaneously, to go where I want to go, whenever I want to- after all, I live in New York City! There's so much to do, and so little time!

I want to lighten up. Life was meant to be lived. It's time I stopped taking every little thing so seriously. Finally, I want to be a better person. I want to give of myself to others, to make things a little better for those around me.

I don't think those are unreasonable things to strive for- and things that I can attain if I keep myself open to new ideas and focused. I plan on going out tonight and living. I don't know where I'll be celebrating tonight, or who with, but I know this much, I'll make the most of my evening, wherever I am. I will live life to the fullest tonight!

Long December...

2005-12-30T16:30:00.000-05:00

A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leavin'
Now the days go by so fast

And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...I wish you would

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl

And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California...I think you should

Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her

And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean...I guess I should
Related:

Three Question...

2005-12-30T12:31:00.000-05:00

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF)

You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.
You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals.

You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.
Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings.

You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.
Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships.

In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily.

At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career.

With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone.

As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style.

On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

Beauty In Everyday...

2005-12-30T12:12:00.000-05:00

It's been so long since I've taken the time to notice small things that bring joy to me. Like the ray of sunshine emanating through my window, so are the things of simplicity that bring me joy. I so often focus on things of complexity, that I forget about simplicity. Sometimes, answers to many questions I have are right in front of my face. I'm just looking for something so complex that I can't see something so simple. Such is life.

Quote of the Day: Adversus solem ne loquitor

Nec Possum Tecum Vivere, Nec Sine Te...

2005-12-28T10:32:00.000-05:00

So true, so true.

Last night, after teaching ballet, I felt utterly alone for some reason. After seeing the mothers coming to take their beautiful little ballerina's home, I realized, I have no one to go home to- no husband, no children, just the silence of my apartment. I'm not looking for a relationship right now. Even though I wanted one badly, it's not the right time. I just don't have the energy to even bring that up right now- that's for another day, another time.

I decided to do something different. I decided to go out and be spontaneous. To be sexy, young and free. Take a chance, make a change. Embrace life. I went through my closet until I found the sexiest outfit I owned. I pulled out a black lace push up bra that I bought from Fredrick's of Hollywood, but have never worn. I was dressed much more provocative than usual. I put on a spritz of my favorite perfume, Addict, and I was out the door. I hailed a cab, and told him to simply drive. I looked up and down the streets in search of something new. I'd found it. I told the driver to stop. On 49th, I found what I'd been looking for- Bliss. The name said it all.

As I walked in, I turned many heads. I felt good to be desired for a change. I went to the bar and found an empty stool. As I ordered my Jack and Coke, a ruggedly handsome man told the bartender to put it on his tab. He introduced himself. His name was Chuck Hammond. He was in his 40's, great- I like older, distinguished men. I nearly bolted when he told me what he did for a living. Yes, you guessed correctly, he's a detective for the NYPD. The last thing I want is to get involved with another detective, but then it occurred to me "I'm not looking for anything from this man. I'm not looking to get into a relationship with him, I'm not looking for anything but a few drinks, dances and a good time"- so I sat and chatted with him.

He was an interesting man, very insightful and charming. He just wasn't doing it for me though. I must admit, it was nice having someone flirting shamelessly with me, and the free drinks didn't hurt a thing. As the night went on, he asked me to dance. I was lit like a roman candle, so I gladly accepted. He held me a lot closer than I would've liked. I started to push him away, then I had another epiphany. "Stop being such a frigid bitch, Chloe', live a little", I thought to myself, and continued to dance. We shared some good conversation, a few dances, and a whole lot of drinks.

I have no idea how much I had to drink. Things started getting kinda fuzzy around midnight. It wasn't pretty. I remember sitting on Chuck's lap while he was doing shots of something. I knew I wasn't feeling it. I thanked him for all of the drinks and the company. I did give him my number, and a kiss for spending his evening with me. I doubt that I'll ever go out with him again, but it was nice to have someone to just let loose with. I stumbled out of the bar. I could barely walk, and nearly fell twice. I have no idea who caught me and held me up, I didn't bother to turn around and see. God knows I didn't want to, and at that point, nor did I care. I just stumbled out into the cold New York night, caught a cab and went home.

I have two messages on my answering machine. Any guesses who they're from? I don't think I even want to listen to them. Hangovers are a bitch.

Horas non numero nisi serenas...

2005-12-27T13:31:00.000-05:00

So true... So true. Speaking dead languages, a past hobby of mine. I'm a little rusty, as I haven't been praticing in a LONG time. I had made a decision to invest more time in Chloe', and less time in worrying about EVERYTHING else. Tonight, I begin teaching ballet with a co-worker. Nurses teaching ballet, let me guess, you've seen it all now. I was once a great dancer. I performed in many ballets while in college. Ballet was a passion of mine, although once I became a nurse, it took an unfortunate "backseat".

Ballet is a very delicate art. It is true that in any ballet the dancers will have different physiques with different proprioceptive responses. The choreographer who performs in his or her own work will find that their own body has a distinct style of movement that defines the way it will respond. It is critical that this is understood before you can convey the art correctly.

Seeing all of the young women aspiring to be the next Marie Taglioni, the woman I consider to be the BEST ballerina of all time, will be like watching myself growing up all over again. Marie was born in Stockholm, Sweden and trained by her father, Filippo Taglioni, an Italian dancer and choreographer. Marie propelled to international prominence when she introduced "La Sylphide", at the Paris Opera in 1832. She wore a diaphanous dress with a belled skirt that inspired the classic tutu. Her exquisitely graceful dancing started the romantic period in ballet which lasted until the mid-1840's. Audiences all over Europe idolized her. She became one of the most important ballerinas of the Romantic movement.

Yes, the romantic period was by far, my favorite in ballet history. I have studied many ballets from the "Romantic Movement", and will be teaching in accordance with such. Mademoiselle Chloe', that has a nice ring to it. Perhaps one day I will choreography a ballet as great as "Giselle" or "La Sylphide". I'm dreaming again. I suppose it never hurts to dream.

Borrowed Quiz...

2005-12-26T23:58:00.000-05:00

EIGHT FRIENDS

List eight of your friends. (Variation on a myspace survey)

1 Susan
2 Maria
3 Jake
4 Justin
5 Alex
6 Olivia
7 Bobby
8 Ebony

1.When/ how did you meet number 6?

I met Olivia almost 3 years ago when I was working triage in the ER. She was interviewing a victim. We've stayed in contact over the years professionally and socially.

2.Why are you friends with 3?

He's one of the sweetest people in this world, and someone I'm so thankful to have in my life.

3. Is 7 in a relationship?

*LOL* That would be a big NO.

4.Have you kissed 2?

On the cheek.

5.Have you hugged 4?

Of course- I hug all of my friends.

6. Have you done anything sexual with 6?

No, we're both straight, so it just wouldn't work out.

7.Would 1 and 8 make a good couple?

Once again, they're both straight, so it just wouldn't work out.

8.How long have you known 2?

For six years.

9.Would you ever kiss number 7?

Yes, I've kissed Bobby many times.

10.What's a good memory with 5?

Pulling her off of the bar at the Detective's Ball.

11.Ever hugged 8?

Of course! I hug all my friends!

12.Do you like 1?

Yes, she's one of my best friends!

13.Is 5 nice?

Absolutely!

14.How did you meet 3?

I met him through his boyfriend, and a dear friend of mine, Justin. We ended up working together at Proffitts' as well.

15.Who makes you laugh?

Everyone listed. They've all done something insane to bring a smile to my face.

16.Who makes you smile?

All of them. They're each one dear to me.

17.When was the last time you talked to 1?

About an hour ago.

18.Would 3 and 6 make a cute couple?

Well, if Jake was straight maybe.

19.Does 8 love you?

Yes, she's like a sister to me!

20.Do you see 3 a lot?

No :0( I wish I did

21.Describe 4 in 3 sentences.

He smokes while carving the Thanksgiving turkey. He has a good heart. He and I share a brain.

22.What would you buy 1 for their birthday?

A bottle of Ralph Lauren Blue- Her favorite perfume.

23.Have you traveled anywhere with 5?

No.

24.Do you have fun with 7?

I have the time of my life with him.

25. Is 2 a cool person?

Absolutely!

26.Who is the loudest?

Olivia

27.Do any of them get on your nerves sometimes?

No, not really?

28.Do you know when 8's birthday is?

Yes, December 1st, 1979

29.What do you really think of 2?

She's an awesome friend!

30.Best memory with 7?

Going to the Detective's Ball with him. I can't honestly say I have a bad memory.

31.Does 1 even know you?

That's a stupid question.

32.Is 5 happy?

I believe as happy as she can be.

33.Does 8 live close?

No :0(

34.Do you have any classes with 5?

I'm not in school...

36.Are you and 1 close?

Absolutely!

37.Do you wanna kiss 2?

No!

38.Is 6 a good person?

Absolutely.

39.Does 2 own a car?

Nope.

40. Describe 1 in one word?

Precious.

41. How many of them have you slept with?

None. One I would consider *winks*

42. Whats the best thing about 2?

She has a big heart and an open mind.

43. What is 4's favorite color?

Black

44. What is 1's favorite thing to do?

Smoke.

45. One thing you wish you could tell 6?

That it's ok that she's in love with her partner, everyone already knows, it's time she admitted it to herself as well.

Shimmer...

2005-12-26T12:49:00.000-05:00

"Sharing with us what he knows
Shining eyes are big and blue
And all around him water flows
This world to him is new
This world to him is new

To touch a face
To kiss a smile
New eyes see no race
the essence of a child
the essence

He's born to shimmer,
He's born to shine
He's born to radiate
He's born to live,
He's born to love
But we'll teach him how to hate

And true love it is a rock
Smoothed over by a stream
No ticking of a clock
Truly measures what that means
Truly measures what that means

And this thing they call our time
I heard a brilliant woman say
She said you know it's crazy
how I want to try and capture mine
I think I love this woman's way
I think I love this woman

The way she shimmers,
The way she shines
The way she radiates
The way she lives,
The way she loves
The way she never hates

Sometimes I think of all this that can surround me
I know it all as being mine
But she kisses me and and wraps herself around me
She gives me love, she gives me time
Yeah, and I, I feel fine
Yeah, I feel fine

But time I cannot change
So here's to looking back
You know I drink a whole bottle
of my pride, and I toast to change
To keep these demons off my back
Just get these demons off my back

Cause I want to shimmer,
I want to shine
I want to radiate
I want to live,
I want to love
I want to try to learn
how not to hate
try not to hate

We're born to shimmer
We're born to shine
We're born to radiate
We're born to live,
We're born to love
We're born to never hate"

Merry Christmas...

2005-12-25T13:49:00.000-05:00

I know I've been taking a break, and I probably won't be here daily as I was before, but it just felt right to share Christmas with everyone. I celebrated my third "New York Christmas" today. Getting up wasn't exactly fun, after a packed church last night for Mass, I came home wired. For me, it isn't Christmas without Mass. I had two of the people I loved most in the world beside of me, Susan and Maria. It meant so much to be with my friends. I've spent so much time lately focusing on what I don't have, that I forgot to be thankful for what I do have. They both spent the night at my apartment last night. I nearly drove them crazy because as soon as we got home from Mass, I made them watch Mass with the Pope. I enjoyed it as always, but without Pope John Paul, it's just not the same. He'll always have a special place in my heart.

This morning, we got up and opened presents. You would've thought we were three children the way we ran to the tree and began grabbing gifts. We laughed and screamed as we opened each gift- knowing exactly what the other wanted. We spent most of the morning together until Ethan got home from work, then Susan was heading for his house, and Maria went to see Cody. I was alone for the first time, and happy. It didn't matter that right now, Bobby and I are only friends. I'm happy. I'm happy to have him in my life period. Right now, we're not on the same page or should I say, wanting the same things, and that's ok. He means the world to me, and I'm just glad he's stood by my side after all that's happened.

I knew he was most likely alone last night, he was working a double shift, and I felt bad about him being alone on Christmas. I called him a few minutes ago, just to let him know I was thinking of him, and hoped he'd had a good Christmas. It was really good just to talk to him again. There was no tension, no apprehension, everything is what it is, and nothing more. I'm happy, for the first time in a long time.

In Memory...

2005-12-24T18:25:00.000-05:00

Of Laci and Conner Peterson December 24th, 2002. "May you find comfort in the arms of the angels"

The Most Exquisite "Suite" In The World...

2005-12-19T23:14:00.000-05:00

I had a phenomenal time tonight! It was just what I needed! Ballet was one of my passions, one I let slip away after moving to the city. Seeing the Nutcracker tonight, brought it all back to life. It awakened parts in my soul that I thought were lost forever. When the dancers came out to begin, a shiver went straight down my spine. The grace and essence, it overwhelmed me. The beauty of the act of dancing itself moved me to tears. The stage and set- breathtaking. Every single detail- covered. A large luxurious house with the most beautiful tree anyone could possibly imagine. The party begins to grow very festive as the night rolls on, the dancing and joy abound as godfather Drosselmeyer arrives. This had always been one of my favorite parts of the ballet.

Godfather Drosselmeyer arrives with two exquisitely crafted life-size dolls. The expression on the face of the dancers light the entire room. Each taking a turn to dance. As the children begin to open their gifts, the expression little Clara's face is that of sheer joy. She holds her prized nutcracker, that is absolutely breathtaking. Out of anger, her brother Fritz, takes The Nutcracker, and breaks it. I began to cry along with Clara. You could see the pain her eyes as her prized possession was propmtly taken from her as quickly as she received it.

Her tears were quickly dried as Drosselmeyer lays his "magic handkerchief" upon The Nutcracker, repairing him. The delighted child is unable to sleep for worry about her beloved Nutcracker, sneaking down the stairs to check on him.

At the stroke of midnight, the magic began. The entire theater came to life. All of the toys around the tree come to life, and the stage fills with the army of mice lead by the fierce Mouse King. Clara watches in fear as one by one, the wicked Mouse King's army knocks down The Nutcracker's army, capturing her beloved Nutcracker. I felt the passion as she threw her ballet slipper at the Mouse King, knocking him right in the head. I smiled a smug smile as the mice carried their leader off of the stage. While Clara runs to reclaim her most prized possession.

When the Nutcracker turned into a prince, escorting her to the Land of Snow, it was like watching angels beginning to dance. The falling snowflakes were like diamonds falling from the sky. As they traveled from land to land, the dances become more graceful, detailed, moving.

The finale brought me to tears. Watching the dance,Pas De Deux, between the Sugar Plum Fairy and the Cavalier rekindled my deep love of ballet. I reminded me of all the things I had been missing. I didn't want it to end. As we exited the theater, I felt a sense of magic in the air. Allison knew how much I loved the ballet, and was so pleased she was able to share this experience with me. I gave her a big hug, thanking her for being such a good friend and giving me this gift. I told her this was the best gift anyone could've given me. I couldn't have received anything better!

We enjoyed our dinner at Darbar. I requested that we be seated on the second level. I LOVE sitting just below the skyline ceiling. The atmosphere is so relaxing. The lovely instrumentals that were playing were taken from some of the most melodic Hindi films. We started the meal with an order of reshmi kebab and for the main course, naturally I had the cilantro - pesto tandoori shrimp. If you're a shrimp lover, this is YOUR dish! It's a dish with jumbo shrimp marinated with cilantro and pesto, yum! I left there eating way more than I had planned! If I don't eat breakfast in the morning, I'll probably still be full from dinner tonight!

I had such a wonderful "girls night out". I thanked Allison. She suggested that we get together with Deborah and Grethen next week. Absolutely. I'm looking forward to re-connecting with some of my old friends and getting out more. I've looked at the same four walls for too long.

PS: I think I have my links fixed now. If your link is not listed, and it has been or you wish for it to be, please let me know. I didn't have a backup list of links so I did the best I could for memory. If you are not listed, it is not personal :0).

Magical...

2005-12-19T14:56:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I'm going to be going to see the NYC Ballet perform "The Nutcracker". I absoutely LOVE ballet, and fondly remember performing in "The Nutcracker" while in college. There's something simply magical about that ballet. Ballet in itself is a beautiful, delicate art- one that's not easily understood. It's an art that must be felt deep in the heart and soul, and expressed through the dance. Your body moves as your soul guides you. True passion, expressed through dance. I couldn't believe that Allison was able to get tickets to tonights performance. Lana's husband had purchased the for her quite awhile back, but due to the failing health of his mother, will be unable to attend. Allison knew how much I loved the ballet, and thought of me instantly.

I gladly accepted the invitation. I got ready and went down into the city. A new dress is certainly in order for this occasion. I went from store to store. Saks, Donna Karan, Bloomingdales, Macy's, everywhere in search of "the perfect black dress". Finally, it had been found. Very sleek and elegant, classy, yet provocative. Provocative, it's time I embraced my sensuality. I am a woman. It's time I let loose and felt like one. I went to see Jimmy, my hair stylist. I was long overdue for a trim. Then, it was time for nails. I had a nice french manicure and pedicure. It was soooooooo relaxing. I didn't want to get out of the chair when she was finished!

Allison suggested mentioned going to Darbar for dinner after the ballet. She knows how much I love Indian food, and unfortunate for me, none of my other friends have the same appreciation for it as me. Cilantro - Pesto Tandoori Shrimp is my FAVORITE dish. I'm really looking forward to this!

I'm so glad Allison called me. I miss getting out into the city and enjoying culture. I love the arts. Music, ballet, art- I love it all. When Allison and I first became friends, she introduced me to "Starry Nights". If you love jazz and mouthwatering tapas, then make sure you're at the Rose Center For Earth and Space, the first friday of every month. I haven't been in so long. I have a feeling on January 6th, I'll be there.

I've gotten so wrapped up in taking care of others, I've forgotten to take care of Chloe'. As much as I love "Emma", the drive to Carmel is draining me. I care for her, but I'm too close to the situation. I'm going to have to step back. I'd like to transfer back to the city. Brandy is back from maternity leave, and they've basically made a place for me at Carmel Ridge. If I transfer back to the city, I won't be leaving anyone in a rough spot. Being back in the city will be good for me, I'll be able to be Chloe' again, have more time for the things I love and people I enjoy. I'll still go see "Emma", she's a precious person, and someone I care deeply for, but it's time for me to move on professionally.

Reflections...

2005-12-19T11:04:00.000-05:00

When we look inside, what do we really see? I didn't get much sleep last night, emotions seeped through my veins, making me uncomfortable in my own skin. Last week was a week full of ups and downs, highs and lows. I had the time of my life and my heart broken. I had the date of my dreams, and the loss of loved a dearly loved friend. So many things are on my mind, so many things to sort though. One thing is for certain: We don't have much time here. We have to make the most of the life we have, and the cards we're dealt. Things will happen that bring us so low, we feel as if we'll never get up again- but we do. Things will happen that take us so high, we feel as if we'll never come down- but we do. The things that take place in between these two- life, as we know it.

Hopefully...

2005-12-19T01:02:00.000-05:00

All of my links will be back soon. I had the brilliant idea to play with different templates, and when I attempted to replace my links, everything went crazy. Hopefully, I'll figure out what's wrong and have them up soon!

I Understand All To Well...

2005-12-19T00:58:00.000-05:00

Spend all your time waiting, for that second chance
For the break that will make it okay
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction or a beautiful release
Memories seep through my vains
Let me be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you feel
You were pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escape one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angel, far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you feel
You were pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel; may you find some comfort here

In the arms of the angel; may you find some comfort here

Clearer...

2005-12-18T10:12:00.000-05:00

After a good night's sleep, my mind is always more clear. I've let my grief and the stress of life cloud my judgment. I feel really badly for jumping to conclusions and assuming. Yes, I made an ass of myself. I'm thankful to Nikia for putting my ass in it's rightful place, and bringing me back down to earth. I'm not God's gift to men. Men aren't just going to fall at my feet and worship me. I can't just sit pretty and expect to get what I want. I have to take initiative- and that will be done.

I need to get ready for Mass. I love going to church, but even more so during Advent. I love the greenery and all of the ponsiettas in the church, it's so festive and makes everything come to life. Church will be harder for me today. I've been thinking of Verna. I know her funeral is today, and I wish I was there. I know she can hear me, and I know she knows I love her- that's all that really matters.

Needed...

2005-12-17T23:16:00.000-05:00

After feeling like a complete ass, a phone call from some dear friends was a blessing. After losing someone dear to me, and finding out I wasn't exactly what I thought I was to someone else, the last thing I needed to do was sit at home. Ginger, a nurse from my old hospital called me tonight. She and a few of the other nurses were going out, and wanted to touch base with me. It was a welcome, and much needed invitation. I certainly didn't want to sit here all night long thinking and wondering what I did wrong. I gladly accepted. I got ready to go out on the town.

As I was putting on my clothes, the phone rang. Sure enough, it was Bobby. I just didn't feel like talking to him right then, so I let the machine get it. I'll get around to calling him sometime later. Ginger couldn't wait to hear all of the details. We found a booth in the back of the bar where I proceeded to catch Ginger, Nikia, and Kim about everything that had happened with Bobby over the past couple of months. After hearing about how things had been going, they were a little surprised that I wasn't out with him tonight.

I explained that he only saw me as a friend, and felt I was too young and inexperienced. Nikia put my ass in it's place. "Sister, you ain't Scarlet' O'Hara, and you ain't living in the Old South, you have to take what you want, you can't be expectin' no man in NYC to read your mind". Is it really that simple? Is it honestly, that HE thinks that I am not interested? Hmmmmmmmm, you know, that never even occurred to me? I thought it was more than painfully obvious. I mean, I kissed the man like I wanted to jump his bones, but I've never outright said, I really want something more than friendship.

I don't know. I need to step back. There are a lot of things to consider. I do want him, I do want more than a friendship. I am strong and independent. I know what I want, but I'm not going to force myself onto a man who's not interested in me. I'll spend some time away from him. He's under a lot right now, and probably won't miss me too much.

I enjoyed the rest of my night. It was so good to spend time with my friends. I hadn't really been out in awhile. We had a few drinks and sang karaoke. Everyone knows how much I love to sing. I sang Material Girl and Like a Virgin. I was on a Madonna kick tonight! I need to get out more often. I really miss the hospital. Being at Carmel Ridge is great. I love the care I'm able to provide for my patients, but I miss the social aspect as well as the challenge presented in a hospital. Something else I'm excited about, Ginger is teaching ballet and jazz two nights a week, and could use an extra instructor. She asked if I'd be interested. I would LOVE to! I miss dance, and with the years of experience I have, she knew I'd make a wonderful instructor. I'll be starting with that on tuesday. I've got a lot of good things that will be happening for me.