Hurt....
Yesterday, our homily during mass was on "forgiveness". We had a interim priest due to a family emergency with Father Harry. I had no idea what was in store for me. Mother Blanchard gave the most phenomenal homily I've ever had the honor to hear. She told the story of a book she'd once read to her son titled "The Hurt". It was about a young boy who's friend had hurt his feelings. He took the "hurt" and placed it in a box, instead of facing it. Because he didn't deal with the "hurt", it got bigger and bigger. Finally, the hurt was so big, he couldn't enter his room. His father sat him down and asked him, "Son, what is wrong?". The boy explained to him, that his friend had hurt his feelings. The father explained that people do things that hurt us often, however, we must forgive and move on in order to be complete. The boy told his friend he had hurt him, and forgave him of the "hurt". Each day, the boy noticed the "hurt" getting smaller and smaller- until one day, there was no more hurt.
Such a simple story. A story written for a child- that moved an adult into a uncontrollable sobbing mess. Mother Blanchard told us, that if someone has hurt us, or wronged us in any way, it's time- time to let it go. We cannot be whole until we've released our pain. I knew right then why I was so emotional. His name is Greg, and he hurt me badly.
Greg was a boy I had grown up with from an early age. He was seven years older than me, and like a "big brother". We were always very protective of each other. He had been adopted, and never knew his "birth family". His mother loved him deeply, he was her world. The only problem was, she loved the "bottle" too much. On a warm day in September, the Lord called her and my grandmother home. They died on the same day, in the same hospital. Greg had lost the one person who loved him most in this world. After his mother's death, his father became distant. Greg felt so alone. He moved in with my aunt, knowing there would be stability there. In June of the following year, he joined the Air Force.
I had always looked to Greg as a brother figure until that summer. I was only thirteen years old and very naive. Greg came home looking so handsome. We sat up for hours talking after my aunt went to sleep. Around 2:00am, he leaned over and kissed me. I was shocked- but excited. I had an "older man", wanting me. Sure, I'd had boyfriends, the kind you hold hands with and give a "pop" kiss to on the playground at recess, but I'd never been kissed like this. We made out all night long. I felt safe with him, secure. I knew he loved me, and what better person to share intimate moments with...
When he left, my heart was broken. Thank God, I had the good sense to keep my "purity", even though my halo was greatly tarnished for the things I'd done. We spoke on the phone a couple of times a week. The conversations always ended with the "you can never tell anyone" speech. The speech I resented. He was mine. We had a connection. Why couldn't I tell anyone about him? I was so angry.
When I was fifteen, he brought home a young woman named Aleasha. A woman, he'd asked to marry him. My heart stopped. Wait a minute- he's... he's mine- not hers!!! I was so angry. I had to carry the guilt inside of me that this was the first man I'd shared a deeper form of intimacy with... something a little further than kissing, but definitely not intercourse. I avoided him at all costs. Keeping busy with cheerleading camp and Civinettes. I was able to avoid him until the last night.
He came to my home and got me. We rode around for hours. I know I smoked a pack of cigarettes that night. I didn't know what to say to him. I just knew he was mine, and that I wasn't giving him up. It was nearly 3:00am, and I knew I wasn't going to let him go. He walked me down to his room, where I would sleeping. His fiancee' was sleeping in my bed. Talk about a slap in the face! He would be sleeping on the couch. As he led me in, he pinned me against the wall and kissed me. I knew right then, right then that he didn't love her. It was just like old times. He gave me false hope, then the "speech".
He married her. And divorced her in 1998. After I turned eighteen, nothing stopped him, not even his wedding vows. He was a messed up man, and up until that point, I was a child. I knew better, I should've known better. I was a thirteen year old child, with the body of an eighteen year old woman. I lived for years with the guilt and shame of never being able to tell anyone about the man who took my "innocence", yet by the grace of God, left me with my virginity. I had a very false idea of how relationships worked for many years.
All of my boyfriends were horrible choices. I only picked men who abused me emotionally. I had the warped idea in my head that I was only good for being used by men, while being sweet and beautiful for society. I was the epitome of every Southern Debutant on the outside, yet dying inside. At age twenty-one, I finally confronted Greg. I confronted him with all of the hurt, all of the pain, all of the guilt I felt for years because of our dysfunctional relationship. What I got in return was "I never used you Chloe', I always loved you, you know that". I carried that hurt with me until yesterday.
Yesterday, I had an Epiphany. The words Mother Blanchard spoke, freed me from the guilt, anguish and "hurt", I carried at the hands of Greg for so many years. I know now, even though we both made wrong choices- it's over. I've asked God for forgiveness, and the strength to forgive Greg for the hurt he's caused me. I'm letting it go. I'm letting him go. I will no longer carry the pain and guilt of being used by a man I trusted and loved more than life itself at such a tender age. Even at age thirteen, I knew love, and how it was supposed to feel- but wasn't mature enough to accept the consequences of my actions. It's true, sometimes love just isn't enough, especially when it's only one-sided. We all carry our own demons, we all have our cross to bear- but now, I know how to face mine, how to heal- and how to live. Living without regrets, I'm learning....
The next time I hear this song, I'll be free... It will no longer be the painful reminder of what was...
That's all I wanted
Something special, something secret in your eyes
For just one moment
To be bold and naked at your side
Sometimes I think that you'll never
Understand me
Maybe this time is forever
Say it can be
That's all you wanted
Something special, something secret in your life
Just for one moment
To be warm and naked at my side
Sometimes I think that you'll never
Understand me
But something tells me together
We'd be happy
(Baby)
I will be your father figure
(Oh baby)
Put your tiny hand in mine
(I'd love to)
I will be your preacher teacher
(Be your daddy)
Anything you have in mind
(It would make me)
I will be your father figure
(Very happy)
I have had enough of crime
(Please let me)
I will be the one who loves you
Until the end of time
That's all I wanted
But sometimes love can be mistaken
For a crime
That's all I wanted
Just to see my baby's blue eyed shine
This time I think that my lover
Understands me
If we have faith in each other
Then we can be strong
I will be your father figure
Put your tiny hand in mine
I will be your preacher teacher
Anything you have in mind
I will be your father figure
I have had enough of crime
I will be the one who loves you
Until the end of time
If you are the desert
I'll be the sea
If you ever hunger
Hunger for me
Whatever you ask for
That's what I'll be
So when you remember the ones who have lied
Who said that they cared
But then laughed as you cried
Beautiful darling
Don't think of me
Because all I ever wanted
It's in your eyes baby, baby
And love can't lie, no
(Greet me with the eyes of a child)
My love is always telling me so
(Heaven is a kiss and a smile)
Just hold on, hold on
I won't let you go my baby
I will be your father figure
Put your tiny hand in mine
I will be your preacher teacher
Anything you have in mind
I will be your father figure
I have had enough of crime
I will be the one who loves you
'Til the end of time
I will be your father
I will be your preacher
I will be your father
I will be the one who loves you
'Til the end of time
Such a simple story. A story written for a child- that moved an adult into a uncontrollable sobbing mess. Mother Blanchard told us, that if someone has hurt us, or wronged us in any way, it's time- time to let it go. We cannot be whole until we've released our pain. I knew right then why I was so emotional. His name is Greg, and he hurt me badly.
Greg was a boy I had grown up with from an early age. He was seven years older than me, and like a "big brother". We were always very protective of each other. He had been adopted, and never knew his "birth family". His mother loved him deeply, he was her world. The only problem was, she loved the "bottle" too much. On a warm day in September, the Lord called her and my grandmother home. They died on the same day, in the same hospital. Greg had lost the one person who loved him most in this world. After his mother's death, his father became distant. Greg felt so alone. He moved in with my aunt, knowing there would be stability there. In June of the following year, he joined the Air Force.
I had always looked to Greg as a brother figure until that summer. I was only thirteen years old and very naive. Greg came home looking so handsome. We sat up for hours talking after my aunt went to sleep. Around 2:00am, he leaned over and kissed me. I was shocked- but excited. I had an "older man", wanting me. Sure, I'd had boyfriends, the kind you hold hands with and give a "pop" kiss to on the playground at recess, but I'd never been kissed like this. We made out all night long. I felt safe with him, secure. I knew he loved me, and what better person to share intimate moments with...
When he left, my heart was broken. Thank God, I had the good sense to keep my "purity", even though my halo was greatly tarnished for the things I'd done. We spoke on the phone a couple of times a week. The conversations always ended with the "you can never tell anyone" speech. The speech I resented. He was mine. We had a connection. Why couldn't I tell anyone about him? I was so angry.
When I was fifteen, he brought home a young woman named Aleasha. A woman, he'd asked to marry him. My heart stopped. Wait a minute- he's... he's mine- not hers!!! I was so angry. I had to carry the guilt inside of me that this was the first man I'd shared a deeper form of intimacy with... something a little further than kissing, but definitely not intercourse. I avoided him at all costs. Keeping busy with cheerleading camp and Civinettes. I was able to avoid him until the last night.
He came to my home and got me. We rode around for hours. I know I smoked a pack of cigarettes that night. I didn't know what to say to him. I just knew he was mine, and that I wasn't giving him up. It was nearly 3:00am, and I knew I wasn't going to let him go. He walked me down to his room, where I would sleeping. His fiancee' was sleeping in my bed. Talk about a slap in the face! He would be sleeping on the couch. As he led me in, he pinned me against the wall and kissed me. I knew right then, right then that he didn't love her. It was just like old times. He gave me false hope, then the "speech".
He married her. And divorced her in 1998. After I turned eighteen, nothing stopped him, not even his wedding vows. He was a messed up man, and up until that point, I was a child. I knew better, I should've known better. I was a thirteen year old child, with the body of an eighteen year old woman. I lived for years with the guilt and shame of never being able to tell anyone about the man who took my "innocence", yet by the grace of God, left me with my virginity. I had a very false idea of how relationships worked for many years.
All of my boyfriends were horrible choices. I only picked men who abused me emotionally. I had the warped idea in my head that I was only good for being used by men, while being sweet and beautiful for society. I was the epitome of every Southern Debutant on the outside, yet dying inside. At age twenty-one, I finally confronted Greg. I confronted him with all of the hurt, all of the pain, all of the guilt I felt for years because of our dysfunctional relationship. What I got in return was "I never used you Chloe', I always loved you, you know that". I carried that hurt with me until yesterday.
Yesterday, I had an Epiphany. The words Mother Blanchard spoke, freed me from the guilt, anguish and "hurt", I carried at the hands of Greg for so many years. I know now, even though we both made wrong choices- it's over. I've asked God for forgiveness, and the strength to forgive Greg for the hurt he's caused me. I'm letting it go. I'm letting him go. I will no longer carry the pain and guilt of being used by a man I trusted and loved more than life itself at such a tender age. Even at age thirteen, I knew love, and how it was supposed to feel- but wasn't mature enough to accept the consequences of my actions. It's true, sometimes love just isn't enough, especially when it's only one-sided. We all carry our own demons, we all have our cross to bear- but now, I know how to face mine, how to heal- and how to live. Living without regrets, I'm learning....
The next time I hear this song, I'll be free... It will no longer be the painful reminder of what was...
That's all I wanted
Something special, something secret in your eyes
For just one moment
To be bold and naked at your side
Sometimes I think that you'll never
Understand me
Maybe this time is forever
Say it can be
That's all you wanted
Something special, something secret in your life
Just for one moment
To be warm and naked at my side
Sometimes I think that you'll never
Understand me
But something tells me together
We'd be happy
(Baby)
I will be your father figure
(Oh baby)
Put your tiny hand in mine
(I'd love to)
I will be your preacher teacher
(Be your daddy)
Anything you have in mind
(It would make me)
I will be your father figure
(Very happy)
I have had enough of crime
(Please let me)
I will be the one who loves you
Until the end of time
That's all I wanted
But sometimes love can be mistaken
For a crime
That's all I wanted
Just to see my baby's blue eyed shine
This time I think that my lover
Understands me
If we have faith in each other
Then we can be strong
I will be your father figure
Put your tiny hand in mine
I will be your preacher teacher
Anything you have in mind
I will be your father figure
I have had enough of crime
I will be the one who loves you
Until the end of time
If you are the desert
I'll be the sea
If you ever hunger
Hunger for me
Whatever you ask for
That's what I'll be
So when you remember the ones who have lied
Who said that they cared
But then laughed as you cried
Beautiful darling
Don't think of me
Because all I ever wanted
It's in your eyes baby, baby
And love can't lie, no
(Greet me with the eyes of a child)
My love is always telling me so
(Heaven is a kiss and a smile)
Just hold on, hold on
I won't let you go my baby
I will be your father figure
Put your tiny hand in mine
I will be your preacher teacher
Anything you have in mind
I will be your father figure
I have had enough of crime
I will be the one who loves you
'Til the end of time
I will be your father
I will be your preacher
I will be your father
I will be the one who loves you
'Til the end of time
posted by Chloe' Gardner | 1:59 PM
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