The Breathless Fantasy...

There's A Fine Line Between Fantasy And Reality... I'm Dancing On That Line

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Location: New York, The Big Apple, United States

My heart guides me, but my mind always finds me..... "I could be in the street, I could be on a train, Or struck in some doorway down, In the pouring rain, Now there is not one place, That doesn't feel like home...."

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Run Baby, Run...

What a night it was... Heading out to 515, I began having second thoughts. Maybe I shouldn't be going out tonight. Maybe I should do something more productive. I've never been a "bar kinda girl", but lately, it's been comforting to get out. Sitting at home staring at the same four walls can get to a person after awhile. I put on my "Dorothy" costume and met up with Maria, Susan and Becky. Maria, being a "starving actress", borrowed my old college cheerleading uniform. That was too funny! She could've pulled it off with perfection except for the fact it has "Chloe" embroridered into it. Susan went as Pamela Anderson, and Becky went as Heidi Fleiss. What a crew we were walking into 515. I believe this is the first time in over a month, I've walked into that bar and didn't think of Bobby. It was packed. People in costumes, suits, street-clothes, you name it, I saw it.

I had a few drinks and mingled. It felt good just to be out, with nothing expected. Susan found a man instantly. Of course, I was expecting instant drama by the end of the evening, but that wasn't the case. His name was Ethan, and one of "New York's Finest". We thought it would be so funny if he took her out to his car, handcuffed her and "pretended" to arrest her. We NEVER thought he'd take us seriously, much less do it. Never underestimate the power of sexuality. He took us all out to his car, handcuffed us together and took our picture. How crazy was that? I've NEVER been in a cop car in my life, much less handcuffed. I must admit it was a cute picture, and definitely a keeper. We went back in and danced. This night had been wonderful, just what I needed to bring my spirits back up. I sat the "slow" songs out. I just didn't feel like being close to someone, not now. It was getting late, and I knew I had to leave. Carmel Ridge called earlier today and asked if I could work tomorrow. One of the nurses has had a death in her family and will be out for a few days. Sitting at home has driven me crazy, so I figured getting out and heading to work would do me good.

I feel much better when I'm working. I don't sit and think about what could've been, or should be, I do what needs to be done- right then. I help those in need, and leave with the satisfaction that I reached out to others. That I touched their lives, and hopefully gave them a positive outlook on tomorrow. I paid my bar tab, and prepared to leave. I looked around for Susan, Maria or Becky. I just wanted to let someone know I was taking a cab home. As I searched through the crowd, I could feel someone staring at me. I had a deep sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I closed my eyes. I knew. I didn't have to open my eyes. I didn't have to turn my head. I didn't have to look. I knew. I knew he was there. Watching... me. I turned and looked into his eyes. I had to leave. Right then. I couldn't wait. I couldn't tell anyone. I had to go. I ran. I didn't give him a chance to speak, to ask me to dance, or to tell me to go away. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to know what he was thinking. I just needed out, and fast. I walked out into the cold New York night and on to the street. I just walked. I walked as fast as my ruby slippers could take me. I had to go far, far away from him.

I walked at least three blocks before my feet were so tired and sore, I couldn't go anymore. I stopped and closed my eyes. Tears ran down my cheeks as I screamed at the top of my lungs "Damn you, Bobby!!!". I was so hurt, so angry, so confused, so embarrassed, and so alone. I went through a thousand emotions in less than a minute. As the tears poured down my cheeks, I fumbled through my purse for a cigarette. As I smoked, I kept looking back, terrified of seeing him. Terrified of him seeing me this way. All I kept thinking is "what is wrong with you Chloe'? Are you that far gone?" No. I'm not. They say in life there are few things we are certain about. Bobby. I'm certain. I know. He knows, but where in his brain is it stored? Hidden deep inside of the hurt, rejection and fear he's felt in the past. Safety. It's a word he's only heard about. He knows I'm safe. He knows who I am. He knows me, only, he hasn't realized that yet. I finally hailed a cab. The ride home was one of the longest I'd ever taken. I walked in to an empty apartment.

Home. It was safe. I was where I needed to be. It's time to clear my mind and get myself together. Tomorrow, it's all about my patients. I have to be of clear and sound mind tomorrow. They rely on me for strength and support- more than any patients ever have before. Letting them down is not an option. Cigarettes: 28, I'm struggling.


"Run baby,
Run baby,
Run baby,
Run baby,
Run....

Past the arms of the familiar,
And their talk of better days,
To the comfort of the strangers,
Slipping out before they say,
So long,

Baby loves to run..."

3 Comments:

Blogger VDOFan said...

awww..I'm glad you had a good time at the bar too. thankfully I haven't been arrested myself for anything I'm usually a pretty good law abiding citizen. Well anyway I hope it works otu for at the hospital and in other areas too. hugs

8:58 AM  
Anonymous Neil said...

That was some night you had, filled with ups and downs and emotions. You even got arrested. Maybe you should meet up with this kinky cop again?

11:21 AM  
Blogger Geoffrey Hirschfeld said...

Nothing like a bit of Sheryl to make you run, eh? I often listen to this CD that I made and this is the first song on it(not unlike the CD). I think of my Mom when I hear this song, because the whole bit about "and her daddy believed, that every man should be free, so her momma got high, high, high." And actually, my Grandma marched with Caesar Chavez,"singing mighty protest songs", and I think so much of my mom, being lost until recently. Sometimes it's good to run and don't look back.....

10:15 PM  

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