For Those Who Wanted To Know...
About my "dangerous" love. His name was Ryan. I remember clearly the first time I saw him. It was 1997. I was working for Merle Norman Cosmetics and he worked across the hall in the arcade. There was something mysterious about the way he would look at me. For weeks we'd exchange glances across the hall, but words were never exchanged. I was captivated by this man. There was something about him. All I wanted was the chance for something magical. I prayed each night that God would just give me a chance. What happened from there, I would accept, I only wanted the chance. Being only 19, I had a brilliant plan, or so I thought. I went to the mall that night, and parked, waiting for him to get off of work. I thought if I could see what type of car he drove, I could try to park next to him monday at work. I'd wait until he got off to leave, and strike up a conversation on the way to our cars.
Brilliant, right? Wrong. It was a sunday. The mall closes at 6:00pm. I waited until nearly 7:30pm. He never leaves. Well, there's a plan down the toilet, not to mention a nice evening wasted. I took extra time getting ready for work the next day. I wanted to be perfect. I went in, and just as planned, he was working. We played our game of "exchanging glances" all night. At 8:01pm on September 29, 1997, we spoke our first words. He walked across the hall, looked me straight in the eye and said "I like to stalk stalkers". I know I turned as white as a ghost. I'd been caught. There was someone who was finally one step ahead of me. I should've known right then, this wasn't going to be a healthy relationship, but I went in with eyes wide shut.
After closing the store at 9:00pm, he asked me to come over and talk to him. We sat in the arcade and talked until well after midnight. He told me of his heartbreaking past. The death of his mother, the abuse of his father, his past failed relationships, the things that tormented him- things that would've made any normal person run for miles. I should've. But I didn't. I was captivated by him. I knew I could love him, and that I could help him. We became very close over the next few weeks, talking for hours at a time every night. One night in particular, I should've called the police.
We were sitting in my car late one night. I was sad, so he made me a rose from a napkin. I leaned over and kissed him, thanking him for the rose. He proceeded to place two fingers on my throat and said "Look around you Chloe', there's no one here, I could crush your larynx with these two fingers. You'd be dead by morning, and no one would hear you scream". I jumped out of my car screaming you're crazy, get away from me. He pinned me against my car with a wild look in his eyes. He told me he wasn't leaving until I believed he wasn't crazy and wouldn't hurt me. I began sobbing. I had grown to develop such strong feelings for this man. This wonderful, psychotic man. We stood in the cool October night looking at one another. I finally stopped crying. I got it together, and he left.
I went home so shaken and confused. Things had been PERFECT absolutely perfect. He was everything I knew he would be and more. He was so intelligent, he stimulated not only my heart by my mind. Up until that night, I would've sworn he was "the one". After that night, things went downhill fast. He began fighting with me, we would constantly argue and scream at one another. I'll never forget the night he looked at me and told me he hated me. I knew right then, I was in danger. In a conversation we had when we first got together, he told me that he hated anyone he knew he could love, because they would only hurt him in the end. I swore to him I'd never hurt him, I would only support him.
As crazy as it sounds, I still loved him. Even after him threatening my life, following me, cursing me- I still loved him. My heart was broken the next week. He began seeing another woman who worked in the mall. He would stand with her, holding hands and kissing right outside of my store. He knew it hurt me, he knew how to push my buttons. For months, I would cry. I didn't understand how this happened, and why I still had such strong feelings for a man who could potentially murder me.
One day, I woke up, realizing, it's in God's hands. It's out of mine, and he knows what's best. He gave me the opportunity I asked for, even though it didn't turn out as I had planned it. I called Ryan, I told him I wished him nothing but the best with Angela, and that if he loved her, I wished him all the happiness in the world. He broke up with her the next morning. He told me he dated her only to break her. He knew she all sorts of self-help books and had been in bad relationships. He just wanted to know if he could get to her. He never loved her. Never cared from day one.
This is a sick man. He hurts people, just because he can. He messes not only with a woman's head, but her heart too. He lures them in, making them feel safe and special, only to begin the mental and emotional abuse he's endured in the past. It's so sad when someone has to say "You have no idea how much I hate you", in order to say they love you. It was doomed before it began. I still love Ryan. No matter how much I try to deny it, or say I don't. I will always love him. I will always wonder what could've been if he hadn't been so damaged from childhood. If there were a way to close the wounds that cut so deep, that caused the irreversible damage done by abuse.
Over the years, I've learned you can't help anyone who doesn't want to help themselves. Nor can you save anyone but yourself. Those are two of the hardest lessons to learn. Count yourself among the blessed if you have.
"Hello
Can you hear me?
Am I gettin' through to you?
Hello
Is it late there?
There's a laughter on the line
Are you sure you're there alone?
Cause I'm
Tryin' to explain
Something's wrong
Ya just don't sound the same
Why don't you
Why don't you
Go outside
Go outside
Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone too long
If your lips
Feel lonely and thirsty
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn
Keep in mind
We're under the same sky
And the nights
As empty for me as for you
If ya feel
You can't wait till mornin'
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Hello
Do you miss me?
I hear you say you do
But not the way I'm missin' you
What's new?
How's the weather?
Is it stormy where you are?
Cause you sound so close but it feels like you're so far
Oh would it mean anything ?
If you knew
What I'm left imagining
In my mind In my mind
Would you go
Would you go
Kiss the rain
And you'd fall over me
Think of me
Think of me
Think of me
Only me
Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone too long
If your lips
Feel lonely and tempted
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn
Keep in mind
We're under the same skies
And the nights
As empty for me as for you
If you feel
You can't wait till morning
Kiss the rain
Hello
Can ya hear me?
Can ya hear me?
Can ya hear me?"
Do you miss me Ryan? When you hear that song, do you think of me, and only me? I know you do. I know you remember, because I always will.
Brilliant, right? Wrong. It was a sunday. The mall closes at 6:00pm. I waited until nearly 7:30pm. He never leaves. Well, there's a plan down the toilet, not to mention a nice evening wasted. I took extra time getting ready for work the next day. I wanted to be perfect. I went in, and just as planned, he was working. We played our game of "exchanging glances" all night. At 8:01pm on September 29, 1997, we spoke our first words. He walked across the hall, looked me straight in the eye and said "I like to stalk stalkers". I know I turned as white as a ghost. I'd been caught. There was someone who was finally one step ahead of me. I should've known right then, this wasn't going to be a healthy relationship, but I went in with eyes wide shut.
After closing the store at 9:00pm, he asked me to come over and talk to him. We sat in the arcade and talked until well after midnight. He told me of his heartbreaking past. The death of his mother, the abuse of his father, his past failed relationships, the things that tormented him- things that would've made any normal person run for miles. I should've. But I didn't. I was captivated by him. I knew I could love him, and that I could help him. We became very close over the next few weeks, talking for hours at a time every night. One night in particular, I should've called the police.
We were sitting in my car late one night. I was sad, so he made me a rose from a napkin. I leaned over and kissed him, thanking him for the rose. He proceeded to place two fingers on my throat and said "Look around you Chloe', there's no one here, I could crush your larynx with these two fingers. You'd be dead by morning, and no one would hear you scream". I jumped out of my car screaming you're crazy, get away from me. He pinned me against my car with a wild look in his eyes. He told me he wasn't leaving until I believed he wasn't crazy and wouldn't hurt me. I began sobbing. I had grown to develop such strong feelings for this man. This wonderful, psychotic man. We stood in the cool October night looking at one another. I finally stopped crying. I got it together, and he left.
I went home so shaken and confused. Things had been PERFECT absolutely perfect. He was everything I knew he would be and more. He was so intelligent, he stimulated not only my heart by my mind. Up until that night, I would've sworn he was "the one". After that night, things went downhill fast. He began fighting with me, we would constantly argue and scream at one another. I'll never forget the night he looked at me and told me he hated me. I knew right then, I was in danger. In a conversation we had when we first got together, he told me that he hated anyone he knew he could love, because they would only hurt him in the end. I swore to him I'd never hurt him, I would only support him.
As crazy as it sounds, I still loved him. Even after him threatening my life, following me, cursing me- I still loved him. My heart was broken the next week. He began seeing another woman who worked in the mall. He would stand with her, holding hands and kissing right outside of my store. He knew it hurt me, he knew how to push my buttons. For months, I would cry. I didn't understand how this happened, and why I still had such strong feelings for a man who could potentially murder me.
One day, I woke up, realizing, it's in God's hands. It's out of mine, and he knows what's best. He gave me the opportunity I asked for, even though it didn't turn out as I had planned it. I called Ryan, I told him I wished him nothing but the best with Angela, and that if he loved her, I wished him all the happiness in the world. He broke up with her the next morning. He told me he dated her only to break her. He knew she all sorts of self-help books and had been in bad relationships. He just wanted to know if he could get to her. He never loved her. Never cared from day one.
This is a sick man. He hurts people, just because he can. He messes not only with a woman's head, but her heart too. He lures them in, making them feel safe and special, only to begin the mental and emotional abuse he's endured in the past. It's so sad when someone has to say "You have no idea how much I hate you", in order to say they love you. It was doomed before it began. I still love Ryan. No matter how much I try to deny it, or say I don't. I will always love him. I will always wonder what could've been if he hadn't been so damaged from childhood. If there were a way to close the wounds that cut so deep, that caused the irreversible damage done by abuse.
Over the years, I've learned you can't help anyone who doesn't want to help themselves. Nor can you save anyone but yourself. Those are two of the hardest lessons to learn. Count yourself among the blessed if you have.
"Hello
Can you hear me?
Am I gettin' through to you?
Hello
Is it late there?
There's a laughter on the line
Are you sure you're there alone?
Cause I'm
Tryin' to explain
Something's wrong
Ya just don't sound the same
Why don't you
Why don't you
Go outside
Go outside
Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone too long
If your lips
Feel lonely and thirsty
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn
Keep in mind
We're under the same sky
And the nights
As empty for me as for you
If ya feel
You can't wait till mornin'
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Hello
Do you miss me?
I hear you say you do
But not the way I'm missin' you
What's new?
How's the weather?
Is it stormy where you are?
Cause you sound so close but it feels like you're so far
Oh would it mean anything ?
If you knew
What I'm left imagining
In my mind In my mind
Would you go
Would you go
Kiss the rain
And you'd fall over me
Think of me
Think of me
Think of me
Only me
Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone too long
If your lips
Feel lonely and tempted
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn
Keep in mind
We're under the same skies
And the nights
As empty for me as for you
If you feel
You can't wait till morning
Kiss the rain
Hello
Can ya hear me?
Can ya hear me?
Can ya hear me?"
Do you miss me Ryan? When you hear that song, do you think of me, and only me? I know you do. I know you remember, because I always will.
posted by Chloe' Gardner | 8:09 AM
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