Where Are You Now?

Sums up the year 1995. The song "Where Are You Now" by Janet Jackson played in my cassette player while driving down highway 181 in my 1986 Subaru GL. The world was in the palm of my hand, and had no clue. Beauty, youth, power, time- it's all on your side when your sixteen. That summer, was like no other. I had met a man, I knew that would be the one. His name was Josh. He was so handsome, an officer in the Army. He was home for the summer and working at a pizza parlor part-time. I worked next door at the grocery store. I remember the first time I saw Josh. He had a commanding presence. You knew he was a military man just by looking at him. His clear green eyes so beautiful and mesmerizing . I knew right then, I wanted him. And I WOULD have him. For the first part of the summer, we'd talk and flirt between the two businesses. He had no idea I was only sixteen, nor did I alert him to that fact.

Finally, on June 25th, 1995, he asked me out. I was estatic!!! Josh, finally asked me out! He was twenty eight, and I was sixteen. Needless to say, that had to be hidden from my parents, and him. He could never know I was only sixteen. If I just keep him happy for two more years, it wouldn't matter after that- well, that's what my naive little mind thought at the time. It seemed like a good idea. After all, Jennifer was dating Billy, and he was twenty four, and she was only seventeen, and Heather- she was dating Chris, he was twenty six and she was only sixteen. They had all been in successful relationships, so why should mine be any different? After all, I looked the part. I went to Bennigan's with Joey on St. Patrick's day and wasn't even carded. The green beer definitely kicked my ass, I was so glad he was driving...

Back to the subject at hand- Josh. We had a whirlwind romance. He was everything I knew he would be. He was so protective of me, so caring. He treated me like a queen, his queen. Our relationship was magical, until August 8th. He wanted to go dancing at Tu La Fe. Ok, it's ok. I've been plenty of times to the club. "Burger" the bouncer, he was cool- he always let me in. He stamped me underage, because I never went to drink, just party. I wasn't worried at all about going. Josh held my hand as we walked up to the door. Panic set in when I discovered "Burger" wasn't working the door. How was I going to get in? What was I going to do? I had no choice. I had to lie- say I forget my license, I can't find it- something. Josh CANNOT KNOW the truth- not yet.

I played it cool. I told the bouncer I forgot my license, until Josh reached into my purse and pulled out my wallet, when he looked at it, he took me by the arm and pulled me out the door. I sobbed all the way to the car. I got the "You know this could ruin my life speech", the "you're underage, I could go to jail, get kicked out of the Army, blah, blah, blah". I should've told him the truth. I know I should've, but I was so in love, I couldn't see past that. I sobbed all the way home. He told me when I was eighteen, we could try it again. My heart was crushed. I never thought I'd ever get over that hurt. I made him my world. I did everything in my power to make him happy, to keep him mine. When we're young, everything is major to us. We do stupid things, and justify them by saying they're for the greater good- only to realize, we didn't know what the greater good was to begin with...

I saw Josh a few years ago. He's a disturbed man. He's seen so much in the military and wars, he's no longer the same man I loved. He held my hand, and looked up into my eyes. He told me he always loved me, and never stopped, but he wasn't good for me, and he knew that. He kissed me, and left the bar. That's the last time I saw him. Today, I heard the song "Where Are You Now?", and it reminded me of him, of the good times and the bad. I wouldn't trade a moment with him for all the money in the world. I learned valuable lessons from Josh. He taught me so much about myself. I miss him sometimes. I hope maybe he's found a good woman to love and care for him. I wish him nothing but the best....

I found this too- thought you might enjoy it- It's me and my best friend Jennifer at the mall the day after Josh asked me out. I was so happy, as you can see, and wearing my favorite dress. I still have that dress. I keep it as a reminder of happiness, that it was mine and no one can ever take away from me...