Reflecting...
After talking to Bobby today- I broke down. I've tried to play things so cool. It's not a big deal. So, I slept with a man I didn't love. It's ok. Lots of people do it. Bullshit. It matters to me. No matter how much I try to pretend it's ok, it's not. I gave Chuck the most precious gift I can only give once, and I don't even remember it. How could I be so stupid? How could I let myself get so drunk and lower my inhibitions so much that this happened? As if that wasn't bad enough- Bobby. My dear Bobby had to find out.
Bobby. I care much more for him than he'll ever know. I know right now, he can't give me what I want from him so desperately, that I've just stepped away. Sure, we're still friends, best of friends, but... There's more. I wanted him to be "the one". I knew he would take care of me, that he would be gentle, that he wouldn't hurt me- or exploit me the way Chuck has.
What Bobby must think of me now. He probably thinks I'm some complete trash. I never even remotely made a move on him. There was reason for that. I really wanted to be sure- to be sure that we'd make it. That there would be an "us", before I took that step. I need him to know that- but how? It's not just something you casually bring up in conversation. "Oh by the way, Bobby- it's not personal that we didn't have sex, I just wanted to make sure we were gonna make it. Oh, and that Chuck thing- stupid on my part". That would go over REALLY well.
I've screwed myself over majorly. I lost my virginity to a man I didn't love, as a matter of fact, can't stand now, and in the process I might've lost the one man I truly love. How do I pick up the pieces? What do I do? I'm at a loss...
I think I'm going to pull a Bridget Jones, smoke a pack of cigarettes, drink a bottle of wine and sing "All By Myself" at the top of my lungs.
Bobby. I care much more for him than he'll ever know. I know right now, he can't give me what I want from him so desperately, that I've just stepped away. Sure, we're still friends, best of friends, but... There's more. I wanted him to be "the one". I knew he would take care of me, that he would be gentle, that he wouldn't hurt me- or exploit me the way Chuck has.
What Bobby must think of me now. He probably thinks I'm some complete trash. I never even remotely made a move on him. There was reason for that. I really wanted to be sure- to be sure that we'd make it. That there would be an "us", before I took that step. I need him to know that- but how? It's not just something you casually bring up in conversation. "Oh by the way, Bobby- it's not personal that we didn't have sex, I just wanted to make sure we were gonna make it. Oh, and that Chuck thing- stupid on my part". That would go over REALLY well.
I've screwed myself over majorly. I lost my virginity to a man I didn't love, as a matter of fact, can't stand now, and in the process I might've lost the one man I truly love. How do I pick up the pieces? What do I do? I'm at a loss...
I think I'm going to pull a Bridget Jones, smoke a pack of cigarettes, drink a bottle of wine and sing "All By Myself" at the top of my lungs.
posted by Chloe' Gardner | 5:32 PM
8 Comments:
Uh, it's a scientific fact that 95% of women lose their virginity to a total asshole.
Even if the guy is just fine...hey. go ask a nice guy and find out if he's ever been with someone "first" - bet the story ends badly....
Chloe': I think the one thing we all know about Bobby is that he respects the truth. I think you need to be painfully and totally honest with him. I think he might surprise you! :)
Anyway, Chloe, your thinking is all wrong on this.
Totally not a gift you can only give once.
Izzy's post about what we forget? Well, that's true, and there's always the "first time with" - anyone who's not in it for trophy hunting only really cares about that.
And so I don't sound soppy, let me point out
a) Someone who knows what they're doing is always preferable. Amatuer night is for the birds.
and b) Those of us who know this are perfectly happy with the "faked innocence" act. Rowr.
WARNING:ADULT TOPIC BELOW
There are things you really don't want someone handling unless they know how. Real awkwardness = serious turn-off. "ooh, what's that?" Nice to hear. Awkward handling? Yuch. Guy can get hurt that way.
Sorry, girlfriend. Isn't it amazing how one night of stupidity can haunt you......Anyway, I love you. Keep your head up. You are a survivor.
Intense stuff Chloe. I feel for where you are right now. I SOMETIMES think that everything happens for a reason, and sometimes I think that things happen because i am an ass. Chin up and Cheer up.
Scott
Things will work out Chloe' hang in there!
Like dny said I don't think Bobby will ditch your friendship over it. If he did, excuse me but he would be the turd. This was a mistake and it's good that you know that but don't dwell on it. We all make mistakes and I think you were bouncing back from a broken heart at the time.
wow, Chloe, just catching up. Are you okay sweetheart ~ wish I could be there with you.
Think like this though:
You're a virgin to every new lover
lotsa luv ann xxxxx
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