Frangar Non Flectar...

I'm just now posting, I know, I'm sorry. It was a LONG night. I do mean long. After hurriedly running to Olivia's apartment to get her dress and visiting for a few minutes, I had to go all the way back to my apartment for to begin getting ready. As I put on my dress, I began to have second thoughts. This is going to be a new year- shouldn't I be celebrating with my friends and loved ones? After all, it's a new dawn, it's a new day- and I want to be feeling fine. Like I said before, if you can't be with the one you love, then love the one you're with... Damn, I can be so stupid sometimes.

I had a glass of Asti to loosen me up a bit while I was getting ready. I put on a little Joan, and really began feeling the spirit. Ok, I was feeling the Asti. One drink turned into an entire bottle. I was drunk by 6:00pm. I kept thinking, at least I look good. I had no idea how I was going to manage a night in my favorite 3" Manolo's, but come hell or high water, it would be done. My hair was styled perfectly. My make-up, immaculate. Maybe I should get drunk to get ready more often. A spritz of Addict. No, no more addictions. A spritz of Chanel No. 5. Classy. Evocative. Always in style. The final touch, my diamond chandelier earrings. I looked like Cosmo's cover girl for the New Year.

As I looked at myself in the mirror, I realized- I had no idea who was looking back at me. Who is Chloe' Gardner? Is she the perfect angel, saintly good-two-shoes that everyone thinks she is? No. She's a humanitarian by nature, a nurturer, a care-giver, but she's so much more than that. She's a woman. No longer defined by what crown is placed upon her head, and what title she represents with honor and dignity. She's tired of having to hold up the ideal of Miss Tennessee. That was years ago, it shouldn't be continuing to shape who I am. It's who I was.

Chloe' Gardner is a woman. A smart, funny, passionate, complicated woman. There's far more than meets the eye. Far more than I've allowed myself to show, than I've allowed myself to be. I've lived in fear of fucking up for years. Allowing myself to live for the moment, to do whatever I wish. To let the wild woman inside of me come out every one in awhile. It's time. I decided tonight, would be the night I lived in the moment, not for the moment. Not focusing on what if, but what is.

Chuck picked me up at 7:45pm. I had sobered up a bit by the time he arrived. He was wearing his dress uniform, and looked very handsome. He had a beautiful corsage for me. A white orchid. It was simple, but breathtaking. I know this man isn't "the one", but he cares about me, and there's no reason why I can't enjoy his company.

I had no idea where we were going, until the limo pulled up to the restaurant. Cascina Ristorante. Several of his friends from the department were already there. There was section reserved just for the department. A private dinner and dance party. What fun! The atmosphere was rustic, yet sensual. I was really glad I accepted Chuck's invitation. I mingled among the eceletic crowd. I was a complete stranger. I did see a few nurses I worked with at the hospital a few months ago. It was good to be able to catch up with who's doing what now, and how everyone is doing.

After dinner, dancing began a little after 9:00pm. Dinner, dancing, and drinks. Lots, and lots of drinks. Champagne flowed freely from every corner of the restaurant. Good times were had by all. I livened up. I danced like I was sixteen again, and drank like I had just turned twenty-one. I don't know how much I had to drink. I don't remember the clock striking midnight. I don't remember coming home. I remember, waking up this morning. I wasn't alone. What have I done? What did I do?

I'm far too ashamed to even ask. My one night. My night of a new beginning. My night of loosening up, living a little, and I went from one extreme to the other. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have let this happen? Chuck left around noon. I was never so glad to see anyone leave in my life. He told me he'd call me later, and would like for me to come over for dinner. That's a big no. I don't feel like dealing with him. It's not exactly his fault. He's not the one who drank himself into oblivion with no idea what the consequences would be in the morning. The consequences. I hadn't even thought about that. Until now. Happy New Year's, Chloe'- may the rest of your year be better than your night.