It's Easier When You Understand...

After work today, Bobby called me on my way home, to make sure I was ok. That was it. Something is up, and I need to know what's really, going on here? He cares about me, yes, but he's not the type of man to call me more than five times a day just to check on me? Once, twice a day, ok, not seven. Never seven. I asked him flat out "What's going on? This is not you, and this is not normal". He was silent for a moment, then admitted, he's worried about me, because of a case. He said he didn't want to talk about it over the phone, that he would come to my apartment after work, and tell me everything. I felt better knowing he was going to tell me what he's so scared of, and why. I was perplexed, what did I have to do with one of his cases? Is someone after him? Does someone want to hurt him? Me? What's going on? I just couldn't figure it out.

I got home and checked my messages and fed Morris, looked through my mail and relaxed a bit. I hadn't been home long before I heard Bobby knocking on my door. I let him in and could see the anguish on his face, I hugged him tightly, holding him. I could tell he just needed a hug. He held my hand as we walked to the couch, sitting down, he held my hand tighter. "Chloe', there was someone at the dance wednesday, someone dangerous", he began. "A woman with a case file the size of a phone book, a woman who", he said, unable to go on. I rubbed his hand, assuring him it was ok, no matter what he had to say, I'll support him, as my friend, my very best friend and as, I don't dare say it yet. He went on to explain the woman's entire past, her daughter, and the line of those left dead who came into her life. She treats people and their lives like a tissue, using it when she needs it, then throwing it away like it's nothing. The hardest thing for Bobby to admit to me, was that he had feelings for her. He couldn't explain them. She is deplorable. A spawn of Satan himself. Yet, he saw something in her that no one else did, and he couldn't explain it.

I smiled at him, knowing exactly what he meant, and where he was coming from- I knew he was totally in shock. I'm sure he figured after admitting to me he still carried feelings for another woman, that he would lose me right then and there. He could never lose me, I'm here for him, and before anything else, I'm his friend- a person he can talk to without being judged, a shoulder he can cry on if he needs to, a person to share a laugh with, or a heartbreaking story. I'm here, now and always. I'm a much stronger woman than Bobby realizes. Yes, I am younger than him, younger than the tart that haunts him, but I am wise beyond my years. Age comes with experience, and trust me, I've experienced more in my life than he could possibly imagine.

I knew that after I explained to him my relationship with Benjamin, he would understand. It's one I rarely discuss. Benjamin is servicing a life sentence in a prison in Illinois. After telling Bobby everything, I'm not exactly ready to discuss it again here, but just know, he's the male counterpart to Bobby's Nicole. Benjamin is so far beyond redemption that hope is all but gone. Has that taken away the love in my heart for him? No. Do I think about him and what could've been? Absolutely. Does he haunt my memory and drive me crazy when I let him? You know it. It's something I fight daily, and rarely speak of, it's not something I'm exactly comfortable sharing, much less admitting to myself.

I never thought I'd meet someone who would understand, who could understand. Susan and Maria go nuts and tell me I really need to "talk to someone" when I even mention his name, or wonder how he's doing. Bobby had no idea. I know he thought I'd always been involved with these kind, "Southern Gentlemen" type of men. We all have a tainted past, even me. Bobby admitted because he believes Nicole still carries feelings for him, that I might be in danger. I'm not afraid. I'm not guaranteed my next breath of air, and I'm not going anywhere until the good Lord is ready to take me. I won't live my life in fear, and I won't hide. I'm sure not going to stop seeing the man I care for, just because some mentally unstable woman cares for him as well. The pieces all fit now. The apprehension in our relationship. He's afraid of the baggage he carries, that I just wouldn't understand, that I couldn't handle it. I can handle it. I am strong enough.

Bobby felt better getting everything out. He put his cards on the table, he was brutally honest, as was I. We shared deep things, personal things that hurt us, that scared us, but yet, made us who we are today. We all have demons, it's how you deal with them that determines who you are, and what you will become.