Breathing In...
How many times have sat down and said to ourselves "I'm going to make time to do ______" *fill in the blank with your own needs*, but we never get around to doing it. It seems like we're always so busy in our everyday lives to take time to do the things that really matter. Living in New York, there's never a dull moment in the city. Something is always going on, and there's action on the streets every night. For the past month, I've really let things go, and not in a good way.
I've thrown myself into working and helping others to avoid having to help myself. I didn't want to have to deal with Chuck, and the daily phone calls he's still making me to me. Every day when I come home, there are at least two calls from him, and I just don't want to deal with him. Then, there's Bobby. That's where my heart is. He's been through so much in the past month. We still talk regularly, but I'm having to keep my distance from him. I'm torn. I want to see him, to have things the way they were, but at the same time, knowing that isn't possible. Not right now.
In order to deal with the hurt from both men, I'm giving myself away. I've worked three doubles this week, gladly accepting the extra work. I've had to take on a completely new patient load. Normally, that would be a strain for me, especially having to work with those who have extremely special needs. Working with the mentally ill is a definitely a tricky thing, but working with those who are institutionalize, it can be mentally and emotionally draining. You can't heal them, you can only treat the symptoms. I know , I've said that time and time again, but it's just what's on my mind everyday when I walk into Carmel Ridge. I'll never give up on my patients. Never. They know that. That's why I haven't transferred back to the city. I could. I could have a much h easier job, but I've never been one to take the easy way out.
In the midst of caring for my patients, and throwing myself into work, I've neglected everything else in my life. My friends, my hobbies, and and interests, - many of the things I loved have become secondary, because I don't want to face the hurt. I'm going to have to face it this weekend, because I have a lot of time off- which means a lot of time to think. Deborah and some of the girls from work have asked me to join them for dinner and dancing tomorrow night. I'm actually looking forward to going. Getting out of the apartment will be the best thing for me.
It's time I let go of the hurt and disappointment. I need to stop dwelling on the past- because I can't do a damn thing to change it. All I can do is go on and live- sometimes, it's much easier said than done...
I've thrown myself into working and helping others to avoid having to help myself. I didn't want to have to deal with Chuck, and the daily phone calls he's still making me to me. Every day when I come home, there are at least two calls from him, and I just don't want to deal with him. Then, there's Bobby. That's where my heart is. He's been through so much in the past month. We still talk regularly, but I'm having to keep my distance from him. I'm torn. I want to see him, to have things the way they were, but at the same time, knowing that isn't possible. Not right now.
In order to deal with the hurt from both men, I'm giving myself away. I've worked three doubles this week, gladly accepting the extra work. I've had to take on a completely new patient load. Normally, that would be a strain for me, especially having to work with those who have extremely special needs. Working with the mentally ill is a definitely a tricky thing, but working with those who are institutionalize, it can be mentally and emotionally draining. You can't heal them, you can only treat the symptoms. I know , I've said that time and time again, but it's just what's on my mind everyday when I walk into Carmel Ridge. I'll never give up on my patients. Never. They know that. That's why I haven't transferred back to the city. I could. I could have a much h easier job, but I've never been one to take the easy way out.
In the midst of caring for my patients, and throwing myself into work, I've neglected everything else in my life. My friends, my hobbies, and and interests, - many of the things I loved have become secondary, because I don't want to face the hurt. I'm going to have to face it this weekend, because I have a lot of time off- which means a lot of time to think. Deborah and some of the girls from work have asked me to join them for dinner and dancing tomorrow night. I'm actually looking forward to going. Getting out of the apartment will be the best thing for me.
It's time I let go of the hurt and disappointment. I need to stop dwelling on the past- because I can't do a damn thing to change it. All I can do is go on and live- sometimes, it's much easier said than done...
posted by Chloe' Gardner | 7:01 PM
4 Comments:
You totally need to go out & have fun. Maybe have a short get-a-way. And as hard as it may be, you definitely need to let go of the hurt and pain. It's not healthy carrying all that stuff around. Good luck! Let me know if I can help!!
Have a great weekend! :)
Kind of hard to talk about this - after all, I've come off a hard relationship myself. (She was a heroin addict, now living out of state. She is expecting another man's child in March). I'm not going to give out any advice. There's an old saying (or there should be) that any damn fool can give out advice and most damn fools do.
I just wish there was a way to feel better (that is, that doesn't involve getting high, drunk or insane).....
Man, I've been there mamma....The part I hate the most is the frustration of being powerless. That you can't make the other person care about you the way you care for them. I ending up sitting on a line between pathetic do anything to get to you back, and angry you made a fool of me punk. I've found its a hurt that never goes away,there are certain names that still come complete with a dull ache in the back of my brain whenever uttered. Even after years. Good luck!
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