Haunted...
I have no idea how I've made it through the day. I've been haunted by dreams the past few nights. I keep seeing all that could've been, and all that's passed me by. I wake up in tears, screaming at the top of my lungs. I see Bobby. I see him when we were happy, when I really thought we were going to make it. My life was so happy, so complete. Then like a light, it disappears. He's gone, I can't find him. He's left me in the darkness, searching for him, screaming endlessly. I run, and run, but he's no where to be found. I turn around, and I see Chuck running behind me, chasing me. I can't get away from him, and I can't find Bobby. I'm lost, with no way out. My only reprieve is consciousness.
When I wake up, the dreams stop, but not the haunting memories. The haunting memories of what has been, and what I don't have- All that I can't leave behind. Why do we torture ourselves? Why do we always obsess over the things we don't have, or a past that that we wish were different? Why can we not accept the way things are, and go on with our lives?
Maybe it's true. Maybe I'm not ready to let go of either. Maybe I don't want to. I mean, Bobby is still in my life. We're still friends, but that doesn't keep me from having the feelings that I do. I constantly think that maybe if I had just told him, had just shown him, I'd never have gotten myself into this mess with Chuck. I guess that's why I don't really blame Chuck for anything that's happened. He was a "rebound" man. I was hurting, and he was there. I suppose I did use him, and that was wrong of me.
No, that doesn't justify the things he's done to me, but I suppose I can understand it more because of this. I just keep sitting, looking out into the cold New York night, wondering where I went wrong. I used to have it all together. I had things figured out, I knew where I was going, and what I wanted- now, it feels as if I know nothing. For every step I take forward, I step an entire foot back. What does it take to get ahead? What will it take to get me back to good? Cigarettes: 24, why do I even count anymore?
When I wake up, the dreams stop, but not the haunting memories. The haunting memories of what has been, and what I don't have- All that I can't leave behind. Why do we torture ourselves? Why do we always obsess over the things we don't have, or a past that that we wish were different? Why can we not accept the way things are, and go on with our lives?
Maybe it's true. Maybe I'm not ready to let go of either. Maybe I don't want to. I mean, Bobby is still in my life. We're still friends, but that doesn't keep me from having the feelings that I do. I constantly think that maybe if I had just told him, had just shown him, I'd never have gotten myself into this mess with Chuck. I guess that's why I don't really blame Chuck for anything that's happened. He was a "rebound" man. I was hurting, and he was there. I suppose I did use him, and that was wrong of me.
No, that doesn't justify the things he's done to me, but I suppose I can understand it more because of this. I just keep sitting, looking out into the cold New York night, wondering where I went wrong. I used to have it all together. I had things figured out, I knew where I was going, and what I wanted- now, it feels as if I know nothing. For every step I take forward, I step an entire foot back. What does it take to get ahead? What will it take to get me back to good? Cigarettes: 24, why do I even count anymore?
posted by Chloe' Gardner | 6:40 PM
9 Comments:
Chloe', Chloe', Chloe'. You knew this was bound to happen. Step back from both of them. Chuck is a piece of shit, plain and simple- take it from someone who's known him MUCH longer than you have. Bobby, he's wound so tightly, he could snap at any minute. You can't save him Chloe'. You might love him, but you can't save him.
Take time for you. Live your life. I'm not saying to write Bobby out of your life, because you will always be a part of his life, I'm saying to live your life. Period. Do all of the things that make you happy. You'll feel a lot better when you put Chloe' first. Look how many years it took me to put Olivia first.
Yeah, what Olivia said!
I agree with Olivia and Amy! :)
We always want what we can’t have. We always desire what’s out of our reach. Sometimes we challenge ourselves; much like a game. We want to see if ‘we can get them’, when in fact—once we have them---the fantasy is all gone; diminished.
I know, because this happened to me. I longed for my ex for so long, and then once I finally got them back, it dawned on me that this wasn’t what I wanted.
I’m just talking through experience. Our minds can play tricks on us—and make us actually believe we’re ‘in love’ and we want them back.
If it causes you more distress when you’re with them, than it does when you’re away from them, you have to ask yourself—is it all worth it?
Obsessive thought patterns can really screw with our minds. It’s normal though. Remind yourself of the reasons why it didn’t work out in the first place.
Love your posts…most of all, because I can relate to them so much. {{hugs}}
well olivia and deb said it all pretty much. Hang in ther Chloe, it will get better :)
sometimes I just wonder, just a little, are men actually worth it? ... just a diddy thought
lotsa luv ann xxxxx
Yes, Ann, they are. Even if you decide to hurt them for it eventually. (Which, I'm sure, would not cross your mind, ever)
But the fuck-ups they cause in us, are simply means by which to measure our growth as emotional beings. Every mistake to me, is a do-over.
Chloe, you are not alone. I think ALL women think these things every day! I do! To make things worse - I don't know how to go forward either, but to have to hide my uncertainty from my children as well? That is the worst.
Go with the flow, girl!Things have a way of just undoing themselves.
axe you're right, I could never hurt a man; but axe we are still the same in our own ways.
lotsa luv ann xxxxx
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