The Breathless Fantasy...

There's A Fine Line Between Fantasy And Reality... I'm Dancing On That Line

My Photo
Location: New York, The Big Apple, United States

My heart guides me, but my mind always finds me..... "I could be in the street, I could be on a train, Or struck in some doorway down, In the pouring rain, Now there is not one place, That doesn't feel like home...."

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

For What It's Worth...

My blog is worth $2,822.70.
How much is your blog worth?

Sunday, August 27, 2006


It never fails, every beautiful moment gets interrupted. Take tonight for instance, Bobby and I had a nice quiet evening alone. I, ok, Susan had prepared a beautiful candlelight dinner. Everything was perfect. Bobby arrived right at 7:00pm. We shared a glass of wine on the veranda before dinner. The night was starting out on a good note.

Our dinner was superb. I know he knew there was no way I had prepared this myself. I'm FAR from a 5 star chef. It didn't matter. What mattered is that we were together. We're past the point of trying to impress one another. Now, it's about who we are, and what we share. It's about spending time talking about everything from Anthrax to Zoology.

Our perfect evening moved along quickly. I don't know if it was the wine or the atmosphere, for that matter it could've been the Addict- all I know is it took less time for sparks to fly than it did for me to kick off my Manolo Blanhiks. In the middle of my beautiful romantic moment, his phone rang. I was really hoping, just this one, he'd ignore it. No. Bobby's too straight laced for that.

A case. A case blew my perfect evening all to hell. He kissed me, and apologized. Although disappointed, I understand. I got up, put on my "social pajamas", and cleaned my dining room table off. I didn't want to blow out the candles. If I blew them out, it meant it was over, he wasn't coming back tonight. I didn't want that. I wanted to hold onto the hope that he'd be back to finish what he'd started.

It's nearly 2:00am, and here I sit. He'll be back, just not tonight.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

To My Girlfriends...

When I was little, I used to believe
in the concept of one best friend,
and then I started to become a woman.
And then I found out that if you allow your heart
to open up, God would show you the best in many friends.

One friend is needed when you're
going through things with your man.

Another friend is needed when you're
going through things with your mom.

Another when you want to shop,
share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be.

One friend will say let's pray together, another
let's cry together, another let's fight together,
another let's walk away together.

One friend will meet your spiritual
need, another your shoe fetish, another
your love for movies, another will be with
you in your season of confusion, another will be
your clarifier, another the wind beneath your wings.

But whatever their assignment in your life,
on whatever the occasion, on whatever the day,
or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym
shoes on and hair pulled back, or to hold you back from
making a complete fool of yourself ...
those are your best friends.

It may all be wrapped up in one woman,
but for many it's wrapped up in several...
one from 7th grade, one from high school, several
from the college years, a couple from old jobs,
several from church, on some days your mother,
on some days your neighbor, on others your sisters,
and on some days your daughters.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Greatness In Simplicity...

The heat was almost unbearable today. I had originally planned on running a few errands, and finishing up my shopping. Did things work out the way I had planned? Of course not. While I was walking down the sidewalk, I noticed a fire hydrant that was spraying water, and the children running around, enjoying every minute of it. During the summer, this isn't something that's especially uncommon. The smiles on these children's faces made my day. The innocence. The purity. The contentment of the moment. Living for what was right there before them. Enjoying the simplicity of water. They didn't have to have a pool, or a beach, they had a fire hydrant, and that, for the moment, was enough.

I put my purse down, and ran through the water with them, laughing and screaming like I was 10 years old again. It felt good. It felt good to just live in the moment, to be happy with the way things were in the moment. I felt good to not worry about bills, men, or work. It was exhilarating to just let the water spray over my body. My mascara was running down my cheeks, and my wet hair made me look like a drowned rat! I looked homeless, and felt like a queen. I was young and free.

I didn't accomplish a thing I had intended to today. I didn't pay any bills. I didn't buy groceries. I didn't go to Louis Vuitton to see the new fall line. I ran around a fire hydrant, and lived for the moment. I lived in the moment, and accomplished more than I had in a long time.

Sunday, August 13, 2006


After Mass this morning, Maria called. She's auditioning for a new play, and needed a stunning costume. Of course, Maria will settle for nothing but the best. She's had to take what was given for so long, that when she came to New York, she vowed to settle for nothing but the best. I spent the greater half of my afternoon pinning and sewing on an elaborate renaissance gown. By the time I was finished, my nap time had long since passed. I stepped out onto my small terrace, and looked down into the busy streets. Even on Sunday, the city doesn't stop.

I remember back home, for years Sunday was a day of rest. No one went shopping, much less worked on a Sunday. Oh how times have changed. We're constantly on the go. We don't take the time to go to church, spend time with our family, or even ourselves. We're just too busy. I felt so good taking a few minutes for me. Sitting in the sunshine, breathing in the fresh, er, well, air, felt good. It felt good not to do anything, but exist for a few moments- to be one with my environment.

The moment was interrupted by a phone call. I reluctantly went into my apartment to see if who was on the other end was worth leaving my peaceful moment. Was it worth it? Absolutely. My day had just gotten even better.

Friday, August 11, 2006

The Metamorphosis of Chloe' Gardner

Work was tiring. When I arrived home, I was drained- mentally, physically, and emotionally. Working with the mentally ill takes so much out of me. I care too much- that's my problem. I bring work home with me constantly. I worry. I wonder what I could be doing to help them more than I already do. I try so hard to understand why they're ill- what caused the illness. Are we all just one chromosome away from insanity? What exactly causes "the break?" Is it inevitable? Were these people born, predestined to be ill, or was it a result of external circumstances or trauma? We may never know, and that in itself, drives me crazy.

Trying to turn off my brain is so hard. I have to keep busy, and find things to distract myself while I'm at home, even more so when I'm alone. On my last day off, I went through my closet and pulled out a box of photographs. Some made me laugh, some made me cry. Each photo captured a moment in time that was precious to me- a moment I can never get back, but am able to relive whenever I wish.

I decided to start scrapbooking, so that I would be able to share my memories with friends and family. I found pictures from cheerleading camp in high school, and my confirmation at church. Pictures of me partying hard with my sorority sisters at UT, and the sweet smile of victory at Miss Tennessee. The look of pride was captured forever when my lamp was lit, and my hat placed on my head when I graduated from nursing school. Family, friends, memories- moments in time that I treasured, all lay before me on my living room floor. I was completely overwhelmed. I saw the complete metamorphosis of Chloe' Gardner in a matter of minutes. A change that has taken over twenty years to complete is visible just by simply looking at a series of photographs.

As I began putting pictures in their respective albums, I came to the last pile. As I looked through them, I began to cry. The first picture, was one of me, dancing with Bobby. I didn't even know his name, who he was, or what he did for a living, all I knew was I was in the arms of the most intriguing man I'd ever met. What a mystery he was, and, well, still is for that matter. In two months, it will have been one year ago that we first met by chance at 515. The ups and downs we've been through, I can't even begin to describe. Has the ride been worth it? Absolutely. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

We All Need To Be Reminded...

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by

holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked,

"Who would like this $20 bill?"

Hands started going up.

He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you

but first, let me do this.

He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.

He then asked, "Who still wants it?"

Still the hands were up in the air.

Well, he replied, "What if I do this?"

And he dropped it on the ground

and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.

He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.

"Now, who still wants it?"

Still the hands went into the air.

My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson.

No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it

because it did not decrease in value.

It was still worth $20.

Many times in our lives,

we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt

by the decisions we make and

the circumstances that come our way.

We feel as though we are worthless.

But no matter what has happened or

what will happen, you will never lose your value.

Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased,

you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.

The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know,

but by WHO WE ARE.

You are special- Don't EVER forget it.

Count your blessings, not your problems.

And remember: amateurs built the ark

professionals built the Titanic.

If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006


I recieved this today... "Just so you don't get too comfortable. Remember, things haven't always been perfect." Along with the picture.

I have NO idea where this came from, or who took it for that matter. I remember the day all too well. I remember every word that was said. I remember why. It's long since passed. We're ok- but apparently, someone isn't.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Because I Had Some Time On My Hands...

1. My roommate and I once: Had to share a king size waterbed with no heater (well, we thought it had no heater- my roommate at the time was my cousin Holly- and the bed, was her boyfriend- now husband, Jimmy's. The bed had a heater all along, we froze our asses off for nothing!)

2. Never in my life have I: been to Easter Island (but I dream of going)

3. The one person who can drive me nuts, but then can always manage to make me smile is: Bobby

4. High school was: Socially amusing, and one hell of a wild time

5. When I'm nervous: I smoke.

6. The last time I cried was: It's been a litle while, but there is no shame in tears.

7. If I were to get married right now, my bridesmaids/groomsmen would be: My cousin Holly, Susan, Maria, Jessica, Jennifer, Ebony, Justin, Jake, and Michael.

8. Would you rather run naked through a crowded place or have someone e-mail your deepest secret to all your friends? I'm an exhibitionist, so I'd enjoy running through someplace naked.

9. My hair: Long and Red.

10. When I was 5: My cousin Jason and I thought we were Oscar and Grundsetta Grouch.

11. Last Christmas: I was surrounded by those I love dearly and had a wonderful time at church.

12. When I turn my head left: I see my front door.

13. I should be: Doing something productive.

14. When I look down I see: my breasts. They protrude.

15. The craziest recent event was: Can't tell that one.

16. If I were a character on "Friends" I'd be: Rachel or Phoebe

17. By this time next year: I hope to be as happy as I am right now.

18. My favorite aunt is: Aunt Judy- of course!.

19. I have a hard time understanding: Why some people take pleasure in other people's pain.

20. One time at a family gathering: Do I have to tell you? You already think I'm nutty enough.

21. You know I like you if: Hang out with you.

22. If I won an award, the first person (people) I'd thank: God

23. Take my advice: The grass isn't always as green on the other side.

24. My ideal breakfast is: An Egg McMuffin, or Shoney's Breakfast Buffet

25. If you visit my home town: You'll discover that if you don't like Wal-Mart or Fast Food, you're SOL

26. Sometime soon I plan to visit: Susan and Maria.

27. If you spend the night at my house: Prepare to be "loved by Morris".

28. I'd stop my wedding if: I found out my fiancee' had been cheating.

29. The world could do without: "W" and the dumb ass republicans.

30. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: Have "W" as the president.

31. The most recent thing I've bought myself is: Shampoo, sad, isn't it?

32. The most recent thing someone else bought for me is: Dinner.

33. My favorite blonde is: Susan.

34. My favorite brunette is: Maria.

35. My car must have a sign on it that reads: "Get Off My Ass"

36. The last time I was drunk: It's been too long.

37. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds: Cows!

38. I shouldn't have been: Treated the way I was by a friend.

39. Have you ever shaved your pubic hair? Yes.

40. Last night I: did laundry, and had dinner with Carrie, from work.

41. There's this girl I know who: lives inside the woman I am. And I am glad she is still there.

42: I don't know: Lightning Bugs butts light up.

43. A better name for me would be: Savannah (gotta love the old South)

44. If I ever go back to school I'll: Shoot myself.

45. How many days until my birthday?: Just a few!

46. One dead celebrity I wish I'd met is: Well, not so much celebrity as icon- Mother Teresa.

47. I've lived at my current address since: 2003.

48. I've been told I look like: A lot of different people.

49. If I could have any car, it would be: Another white Camero convertible.

50. If I got a new cat tomorrow, I would name it: TJ, for my beloved "Teeger" who's in Heaven.

How about you?

Monday, August 07, 2006

You Like To Watch... Don't You?

Last night, I wasn't able to sleep much. I was miserable for the most of the night, well- for obvious reasons. As I was flipping aimlessly through the channels, I stopped dead in my tracks. Sliver. Damn, it had been years since I had thought about that movie. It was one of my favorites. Granted, when I saw it for the first time, I was something like 13, er, maybe 15, I can't remember exactly. Anyway, moving on. When I saw Sliver for the first time, I was captivated. Yes, I was young, but the electricity between Sharon Stone and Billy Baldwin was indescribable.

That was a good, oh, 13 years or so ago, but I never forgot about that. Watching the movie, I realized that I wanted to have passion like that in my life. I want to be seduced like no other. What woman doesn't want that? Deep down inside, who doesn't want to have a man push her against the door and have his way with her? We all want to feel like we're desired more than anything- like WE'RE the ONLY woman in the world.

Living in New York, I've often wondered what it would be like to be wild and free like Carly was. She held tons of baggage, and didn't let people in easily, so there was a problem. What caused her to just let her inhibitions run wild, and fall for Zeke? I mean, well aside from the obvious fact that he was hotter than hell? He manipulated her mind and body. It scares me to think how much his personality is like... Not going to go there right now.

Dreaming aside, none of this will be happening for me right now- I don't think it would feel terrific to be ravaged while I look like a lobster.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Splashing In The Sun...

Today was definitely a hot one. This has to be one of the hottest summers I remember. Even back home, I rarely remember the heat getting to me like this. I had a rare sunday off, and decided to make the most of it. Maria had called this morning, asking if I wanted to head out to Brighton Beach. I didn't even have to think twice about that one. It was time for some much deserved fun in the sun.

Susan and Maria picked me up after Mass, and it was off to the beach. It's a weekend, so I knew the beach would be packed- but I had NO idea there would be THAT many people there. Finding a place to put our towel was like going on a treasure hunt. Finally, after walking the hot sun and sand for what seemed like an eternity, we found a "free spot" on the beach. After setting up our chairs, we were out into the ocean.

I felt like I was sixteen again. The feeling of the waves crashing against your body is liberating. It's almost as if the water of the ocean cleanses your soul. It wipes away all that's troubling you, and carries you into euphoria. We laughed and played in the waves for hours. I didn't want to leave.

The euphoria only lasted a short period of time. When I arrived back at my apartment, I took a look in the mirror. I looked like Eugene Krabs. Granted, I'm a fan of Eugene Krabs, but looking like him isn't exactly on my list of things to do. Aloe is definitely in order this evening.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

As God Is My Witness...

I shall never be hungry again. Chills run down my spine every time I hear that phrase. Gone With The Wind. The epic tale of the "Olde South". A time of gentility and chivalry. A time when women were ladies, and men, gentlemen. There was nothing more important than land. "It's the only thing worth dying for"- and die we did. Many men gave their lives fighting for the land they loved. It was much more than most people can fathom. It wasn't about money, slavery, or the greater control- it was about our land.

Scarlett O'Hara. A woman who KNEW what she wanted, and come hell or high water, she would have it. She stopped at nothing to get the man she wanted, and to rebuild the most important thing in the world to her- Tara. Tara- a beautiful old Southern plantation that sat on some of the most beautiful land God ever created. A home that withstood the fires and attacks of Sherman and the Yankees as they swept through the South. Hunger. She knew it. She also knew that she would rebuild her life, and she would survive. Surviving- that was the name of the game after the Late Unpleasantness.

Every time I watch this movie, I remember why I love the South so much. I remember my heritage, and why I'm so proud of it. I remember why I salute not only the flag of the United States of America, but the Confederate Flag. It's about heritage, not hate. It's about loving the land that you were born on, and taking pride in the fact that you live on some of the most beautiful land that God created- Margaret Mitchell wasn't wrong there.

Living away from the South, I appreciate my land all the more when I return.

Friday, August 04, 2006

In A Light-Hearted Mood...

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as warm and well-balanced.

Overall, your true self is creative and expressive.

With friends, you seem logical, detached, and a bit manipulative.

In love, you seem mysterious and interesting.

In stressful situation, you seem like you're oblivious to the stress.

You Are 72% Lady

Overall, you are a refined lady with excellent manners.
But you also know when to relax and not get too serious about etiquette

Your Driving Is is: 77% Male, 23% Female

According to studies, you generally drive like a typical male.
You're confident in your driving skills, and hardly any situation gets the better of you.
And while you may have a few tickets under your belt, you're still a very good driver.

Thursday, August 03, 2006


I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though, I don't really know what I'm gonna do when I get there
I take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace

'Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door
And listen to you breathing
It's where I wanna be, yeah
Where I wanna be

I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth
And I'm trying to identify the voices in my head
God, I wish it weren't you
Let me feel one more time what if feels like to feel
And break these caluses off me one more time

'Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside of your door
And listen to you breathing
It's where I wanna be, yeah

Oh I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting for
The scraps to fall off of your table to the ground
'Cause i just wanna be here now

'Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door
And listen to you breathing
It's where I wanna be, yeah
Where I wanna be

'Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door
And listen to you breathing
It's where I wanna be, yeah
Where I wanna be...

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

On a Lighter Note...

Got this today in my e-mail, I think I might've shared it before- but hey, it's too good not to pass along...

I'm 100% Dixie. Is General Lee your grandfather?!, How about you?

Find out HERE.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

What A Feeling...

I decided tonight was going to be a night for me. I've been out quite a bit this week with Susan and Maria- not to mention a few dinners with Bobby. After work, I took a nice hot bath, and ordered my favorite Chinese. There's nothing like shrimp lo mien! I put on my favorite comfy pj's and popped in Flashdance.

Next to Gone With The Wind, Flashdance has to be my favorite movie of all time. Dancing has always been a passion of mine, and Flashdance captures the spirit and soul of dancing. I could so relate to many of the emotions that Jennifer Beales went through in the movie. The hopes and aspirations that seemed to go down the drain at times, but faith- something that is never lost.

I still have a passion for dancing. Will I ever dance professionally? Who knows? For now, I'll enjoy the rare moments I "break out" in my living room or Central Park.

  • Not A Typical Night...
  • Life- As I Know It...
  • Last Night...
  • Tonight...
  • Wednesday Night...
  • Run Baby Run...
  • I Can't Believe It...
  • Now That I'm Relatively Calm...
  • One Beautiful Sunday...
  • Dreams Do Come True...
  • Most Wonderful Night...
  • Most Magical Night Of My Life...
  • What Were The Chances...
  • Time Heals All Wounds...
  • Sparkling Sangria...

  • MySpace Icon Collage

  • The Pirate King...
  • Mikey's Subway Chick...
  • Olivia AKA: Elliot's Woman...
  • Elliot Stabler...
  • The Woman Who Has To Deal With Mike...
  • Support From Day One...
  • Paranoid Detective...
  • My Aunt Is Not As Old As This Man...
  • A Dear, Precious Friend...
  • Life...As I Know It...
  • My Penguin Pal...
  • Displaced New Yorker...
  • Amy...
  • Janice...
  • Deb...
  • Faye...
  • Jules...
  • Hannala...
  • A Year In The Life Of...
  • Let Me Go On And On...
  • Inspiration Comes Easy...
  • Kara's Place...
  • Nights in Rodanthe...
  • Malcolm's Page...
  • Castle Shima...
  • Agape...
  • Betty On The Beach...
  • Sunshine Lipstick...
  • Go With The Flow...
  • Slackers With Advanced Degrees...
  • Hollow...
  • The Wildest Woman I Know...
  • Nice Guys Finish Last...
  • Musings & Mad Ramblings...
  • Another Very Dark Place...
  • Laura Elizabeth...
  • Suzanne...
  • Lorrie...
  • Tess...
  • Never Forget...
  • In Memory...