The Breathless Fantasy...

There's A Fine Line Between Fantasy And Reality... I'm Dancing On That Line

My Photo
Location: New York, The Big Apple, United States

My heart guides me, but my mind always finds me..... "I could be in the street, I could be on a train, Or struck in some doorway down, In the pouring rain, Now there is not one place, That doesn't feel like home...."

Sunday, January 29, 2006

For My Girlfriends...

When I was little,
I used to believe in the concept of one best friend,
and then I started to become a woman.
And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up,
God would show you the best in many friends.

One friend's best is needed when you're going through things with your children.
Another friend's best is needed when you're going through things with your mom.
Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be.

One friend will say let's pray together,
another let's cry together,
another let's fight together,
another let's walk away together.

One friend will meet your spiritual need,
another your shoe fetish,
another your love for movies,
another will be with you in your season of confusion,
another will be your clarifier,
another the wind beneath your wings.

But whatever their assignment in your life,
on whatever the occasion,
on whatever the day,
or where ever you need them to meet you...
with their gym shoes on and hair pulled back
or to hold you back from making complete fool of yourself ...
those are your friends.

It may all be wrapped up in one woman,
but for many it's wrapped up in several ...
one from 7th grade,
one from high school,
several from the college years,
a couple from old jobs,
several from church,
on some days your mother,
on others your sisters,
and on some days it's the one that you needed
just for that day
or week when you needed someone with a fresh perspective,
or the one who didn't know all your baggage,
or the one who would just listen without judging...
those are good girlfriends/best friends

I thank my girlfriends,
those who honor intimacy,
those who hold trust,
and those who hold me up when
life is just too heavy!

The special bond we share is unique.
Thanks for the words we've shared.
The prayers we've sent up.
The laughs, the tears, the phone calls, the emails,
the shopping, the movies, the lunches, the dinners,
the talking, talking, talking and the listening, listening, listening....

So whether you've been there 20 minutes or 40 years, I love you!

Saturday, January 28, 2006


I've been on a "let's remember" kick lately. I suppose that's probably due to the lack of time and/or energy due to over-working myself. I've only gone out a couple of nights this week, by choice. Sitting at home just simply relaxing and unwinding has been a welcome change for me. You know, it's strange just how much you can actually accomplish while sitting. The box of photographs I found earlier, I went through and sorted them, placing them in various photo albums and frames throughout my apartment.

I laughed as I looked at the pictures of Maria from various rehearsals. You know, after the pictures I've taken of her, it's a miracle we're still friends! Then there's Susan. Our Thanksgiving pictures, well, they're priceless. The picture of Susan standing outside on my balcony deep frying a turkey in the middle of a cold New York winter, it's just not right. Then again, neither is the fact that she was carving the turkey with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. That picture went into a frame. Maybe I'll have wallets made from the print and include them in Christmas cards next year. Does anyone out there think I have death wish?

I found pictures I had forgotten all about- pictures from bars and parties we'd attended years ago. Karaoke pictures where we were singing our hearts out, and having the time of our lives doing so. As I looked at each picture, for a moment, I was there again- wherever I was when the picture was taken. I could remember the feelings I had in each one- happiness, anxiety, excitement, love- everything.

I've often wondered, if there were no words, only pictures to tell the story of our lives, what would people think of who we were and how we lived? Would people think all I did was drink, smoke, and party all the time? Would they know how much I loved life, my friends, family, God, dancing, singing, and everything in between? Would they see my soul, my faith, my heartbreak, my passions? What would they see? Everyone looking at a photograph sees the same thing, yet so differently. If photographs told the story of your life- just what would they say about you?

Friday, January 27, 2006

Sweet Pandemonium...

Today tomorrow seems so far away
An the wait in vain, yeah
So safe, in the blinding light of love unchained
In yesterday's grave, yeah

The truth that could set souls free
Is buried within sweet pandemonium
Concealed by disbelief
The riddle stays veiled in sweet pandemonium

Afraid that everything remains unchanged
In this fragile dream, yeah
Ashamed of the shattered remains
Of promises made, yeah

The truth that could set souls free
Is buried within sweet pandemonium
Concealed by disbelief
The riddle stays veiled in sweet pandemonium

Drained by the anger and grief
Faized by the envy and greed
The secret cries for a release
The lucidity hidden deep in sweet pandemonium

The truth that could set souls free
Is buried within sweet pandemonium
Concealed by disbelief
The riddle stays veiled in sweet pandemonium...

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Photographs and Memories...

Having the past couple of days off, I've begun to catch up on some much needed house cleaning, as well as social time with friends. Yesterday, I began digging through my closet in search of my black Nine West heels. As I opened the box, I realized that it wasn't my shoes in the box, but a ton of pictures. I pulled the box out and sat on my bed, just looking at things special times I'd shared with friends.

There were pictures of me, Maria, and Susan in Time Square right after we'd moved to the city. We were absolutely frozen, with big shit-eating grins on our faces. We were young, free, and had our whole lives ahead of us. Living, that's what New York was all about for us. We were going to be living our dreams. The pictures of our apartments when we first moved in- those were classics! There were pictures from nights out on the town, Maria's plays, Susan's restrurants and masterpieces, so many, memories. So many good times.

After spending a good hour looking at pictures the phone rang. It was Bobby. I hadn't talked to him in awhile. Honestly, I just didn't know what to say. I was really glad to hear his voice. He's been under so much recently with work, I could tell by his voice he was worn out. Burning the candle at both ends tends to do that a person. We only talked for a few minutes. That was fine, it was good to just simply catch up for a few moments.

After hanging up the phone, I sat there blankly, realizing just how much I missed our friendship, and the thoughts of possibly something more. I continually push that back. The thoughts that once consumed me, I now only dare to think about. I become overwhelmed by the thoughts, so I bury them deep inside, deep in a crevice in my heart, locked away safely.

I finally got up and got dressed. Having no idea exactly where I was going, I picked out a classy black sweater and pants. Maria and Susan showed up with a bottle of champagne. How insane is it, just to drink a bottle of champagne before going out- and for no good reason? Well, I suppose it was a good reason, we're young, free, alive, and together. What more can you ask for? We made a toast to "Us, just as we are". Yes, it was so "Bridget Jones", but you know, I often feel like poor Bridget. A mixed up woman with a good heart, just trying to get it right. I smoke too much, and probably drink more than I should as well, but hey, we've got one life, and I plan on living it to the fullest.

As we hit the streets, you would've thought we were heading out onto the runway. The three of us locked arms and walked with our heads held high. One of Maria's friends from the theater was going to be reading poetry at a cafe around the corner from her apartment. Don't me wrong, I do enjoy good poetry, but sitting around a cafe, sipping a latte' while listening to poetry just isn't my thing.

How surprised I was when we arrived. It was nothing like what I had expected. The entire scene was really relaxed and mellow. The poetry- was beyond anything I'd ever heard before. Moving, comical, dark, emotional, light-hearted, anything and everything that you could imagine had been written and expressed through expertly chosen, heart-felt words. I was captivated by the rawness, the ability of these people to bear their souls in front of complete strangers. I left last night with a completely different outlook on so many things in life, on so many people.

Walking back to my apartment, the bitter cold didn't bother me. My soul had been warmed by the light of others. I learned a valuable lesson. Words touch the soul, the can heal, and they can kill- always choose them wisely. You never know when something you say will make all the difference in the world to someone.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

What Are You?

People come into our life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spirtually. They may seem like a Godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need then to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fullfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. BELIEVE IT!!!! It is real!! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those you should build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway), and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Let's Don't All Be Surprised Or Anything...

Your dream date is Detective Bobby Goren from Criminal Intent! Who says intellect isn't sexy?

Been There. Dated Him. Wouldn't Mind To Do It Again... But That's For Another Day and Time.

Who's your Law & Order dream date?
brought to you by Quizilla

It's 3am...

And I am lonely. I've been asleep for about six hours. I can't sleep anymore. I'm so exhausted, that my body isn't even able to really sleep. My mind is racing. I can't stop thinking about everything. My job, my friends, Chuck, Bobby, and everything in between. Maria began her new play tonight. Was I there? Hell no. I was a Carmel Ridge playing the martyr. Sometimes, I get tired of being the "good girl"- you know, there's always one in a circle of friends.

The girl who always says the right thing to cheer up her friends, who doesn't miss mass on sunday, and always looks like she stepped right off the cover of Vogue. The one who always has her shit together, and a smile on her face. You can count on her for anything. Oh, and for her man, she'll be hopelessly devoted. Yep. Just stick my picture beside of said description, and there you have it. The "stereotypical good girl".

Even after screwing up majorly, I'm still the "purest" of all my friends. God knows Susan has been there, done half of them, and you could get an STD just listening to the stories about it. Maria. There's a troubled soul. What hasn't she done? Coke, hash, X, if it was out there, the girl has done it. It's a miracle she's alive to tell about it. It's a miracle she has a liver the way she used to drink. Then there's Chloe'. Yes, I've been smoking since I was 13, and drinking since I was around 15, but have always been mostly responsible in both. Drugs- never felt the need to do them. I was high enough on life, I couldn't imagine anything else getting in my way. Sex- didn't need to. I didn't have to validate my worth by making myself a notch on some man's bedpost. Sure, I've been deeply intimate with my share of men, but they were men I had a deep bond with, not just one night stands.

I came to New York City to be an individual. To stand out. To be the worldly, sophisticated woman I knew deep in my heart I was, but couldn't be in a small confined town. When I first moved to New York, I went out EVERY night. I hit a new bar or restrurant every night. I took in all of the sights and culture I could possibly get. Basically, I burned myself out. You would never think that living in a city like New York, that you could be burned out on culture and nightlife- but trust me, you can.

Now, I'm longing to get all of that back, to get out live again. Even at 3:00am, the streets are still alive. People walking up and down the streets, each with a different expression, each carrying a different burden. No matter what we're going through, on the streets of New York, we're all the same. That's one of the beauties of the city. One of the things that keeps me here. So many times, I've thought of packing up and going back home. Leaving behind all that I have here, and returning to simplicity. But once you've come this far, it's hard to go back.

So here I sit, pondering all of the things that I want, and want to be. All of the things I've done, and left undone. As I put my cigarette out, and looked at the clock, I thought about calling Bobby. I know he's awake. He never sleeps. I had to put away our pictures the other night. Coming home after a hard night at work, and seeing something that made me so happy, just overwhelmed me. I couldn't look at it. However, I did leave out the picture of me with Chuck- I need that to remind me how far I've come. But Bobby... where did I go wrong?

It's going to be a long night...

Monday, January 23, 2006

So Much...

For my weekend of getting out and letting loose- Cassie went into labor at 3:00am on friday. I've picked up her shifts as well as mine. Words can't even express how tired I am. The answering machine is blinking so fast I think it's going to explode. Right now, I'm so exausted, I don't even care. You'll hear from me again soon- once I can get some rest...

Friday, January 20, 2006

Breathing In...

How many times have sat down and said to ourselves "I'm going to make time to do ______" *fill in the blank with your own needs*, but we never get around to doing it. It seems like we're always so busy in our everyday lives to take time to do the things that really matter. Living in New York, there's never a dull moment in the city. Something is always going on, and there's action on the streets every night. For the past month, I've really let things go, and not in a good way.

I've thrown myself into working and helping others to avoid having to help myself. I didn't want to have to deal with Chuck, and the daily phone calls he's still making me to me. Every day when I come home, there are at least two calls from him, and I just don't want to deal with him. Then, there's Bobby. That's where my heart is. He's been through so much in the past month. We still talk regularly, but I'm having to keep my distance from him. I'm torn. I want to see him, to have things the way they were, but at the same time, knowing that isn't possible. Not right now.

In order to deal with the hurt from both men, I'm giving myself away. I've worked three doubles this week, gladly accepting the extra work. I've had to take on a completely new patient load. Normally, that would be a strain for me, especially having to work with those who have extremely special needs. Working with the mentally ill is a definitely a tricky thing, but working with those who are institutionalize, it can be mentally and emotionally draining. You can't heal them, you can only treat the symptoms. I know , I've said that time and time again, but it's just what's on my mind everyday when I walk into Carmel Ridge. I'll never give up on my patients. Never. They know that. That's why I haven't transferred back to the city. I could. I could have a much h easier job, but I've never been one to take the easy way out.

In the midst of caring for my patients, and throwing myself into work, I've neglected everything else in my life. My friends, my hobbies, and and interests, - many of the things I loved have become secondary, because I don't want to face the hurt. I'm going to have to face it this weekend, because I have a lot of time off- which means a lot of time to think. Deborah and some of the girls from work have asked me to join them for dinner and dancing tomorrow night. I'm actually looking forward to going. Getting out of the apartment will be the best thing for me.

It's time I let go of the hurt and disappointment. I need to stop dwelling on the past- because I can't do a damn thing to change it. All I can do is go on and live- sometimes, it's much easier said than done...

Thursday, January 19, 2006


Crash and burn, all the stars explode tonight
How'd you get so desperate?
How'd you stay alive?
Help me please, burn the sorrow from your eyes
Oh, come on, be alive again
Don't lay down and die

Hey hey, you know what to do
Oh baby, drive away to Malibu

Get well soon, please don't go any higher
How are you so burnt when you're barely on fire?
Cry to the angels, I'm gonna rescue you
I'm gonna set you free
Tonight baby, pour over me

Hey hey, we're all watching you
Oh baby, fly away to Malibu

Cry to the angels, let them swallow you
Go and part the sea, yeah, in Malibu

And the sun goes down, I watch you slip away
And the sun goes down, I walk into the waves
And the sun goes down, I watch you slip away
And I watch
And I knew love would tear you apart
Oh, and I knew the darkest secret of your heart

Hey hey, I'm gonna follow you
Oh baby, fly away, yeah, to Malibu

Oceans of angels, oceans of stars
Down by the sea is where you drown your scars, oh oh
I can't be near you
The light just radiates
I can't be near you
The light just radiates

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

One Flaw In Women...

Women have strengths that amaze men.

They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in.

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideas.

They give moral support to their family and friends.

Women have vital things to say and everything to give.


Monday, January 16, 2006

A Fine Topic...

I had received a few e-mails recently asking about my taste in art. I have very eclectic taste in art. My absolute favorite artist is A. Magil. These pieces speak to me in a way nothing has before. The detail, the aura, the essence- it touches my very soul. These are two of my favorite pieces by Magil-

My tastes range from selections by Gustav Klmit to Jan Vermeer, with a little bit of everything in between.

A few pieces from my "Le Fleur Collection"....

Sunday, January 15, 2006


I have no idea how I've made it through the day. I've been haunted by dreams the past few nights. I keep seeing all that could've been, and all that's passed me by. I wake up in tears, screaming at the top of my lungs. I see Bobby. I see him when we were happy, when I really thought we were going to make it. My life was so happy, so complete. Then like a light, it disappears. He's gone, I can't find him. He's left me in the darkness, searching for him, screaming endlessly. I run, and run, but he's no where to be found. I turn around, and I see Chuck running behind me, chasing me. I can't get away from him, and I can't find Bobby. I'm lost, with no way out. My only reprieve is consciousness.

When I wake up, the dreams stop, but not the haunting memories. The haunting memories of what has been, and what I don't have- All that I can't leave behind. Why do we torture ourselves? Why do we always obsess over the things we don't have, or a past that that we wish were different? Why can we not accept the way things are, and go on with our lives?

Maybe it's true. Maybe I'm not ready to let go of either. Maybe I don't want to. I mean, Bobby is still in my life. We're still friends, but that doesn't keep me from having the feelings that I do. I constantly think that maybe if I had just told him, had just shown him, I'd never have gotten myself into this mess with Chuck. I guess that's why I don't really blame Chuck for anything that's happened. He was a "rebound" man. I was hurting, and he was there. I suppose I did use him, and that was wrong of me.

No, that doesn't justify the things he's done to me, but I suppose I can understand it more because of this. I just keep sitting, looking out into the cold New York night, wondering where I went wrong. I used to have it all together. I had things figured out, I knew where I was going, and what I wanted- now, it feels as if I know nothing. For every step I take forward, I step an entire foot back. What does it take to get ahead? What will it take to get me back to good? Cigarettes: 24, why do I even count anymore?

Saturday, January 14, 2006

This Crazy Thing I Call Life...

Yes, my life has been insane the past week. Between work and friends, I haven't had much spare time to myself. Susan has gotten on this art kick. She's wanting to completely redesign her apartment. We've hit gallery after gallery in search of the perfect pieces. The hardest part, our taste in art is completely different. Everything I like, she doesn't. I give up. Maria is getting ready to being performing Measure for Measure on February 28th. That sounds like a lot of time to be preparing, but it really isn't. She's an excellent actress though- I've got every confidence that she'll ace her performance.

Work has been hectic. "Emma's" been very restless at night, and I'm not sure why. She's been fine during the day, coherent, alert, lively, but at night, restless and agitated. I know she's worried about Bobby. He's been putting in long hours and not taking any time for himself. That bothers her. I've tried re-assuring her that Bobby's fine. He knows what he can and can't handle. I spoke with him briefly last night. He was working a double and absolutely worn out.

I arrived home to find another message from Chuck, wanting to see me tonight. I haven't called him back. I just don't understand why the man feels he needs to keep on calling me. It's absolutely insane. I've never had anyone call me that much in my entire life. Not even when my friends had "a man crisis". I don't want to think about him right now.

I have a splitting headache. I went out with some of the girls from Carmel Ridge last night. We had a nice dinner then went out for some drinks. You know what happens when you get a group of crazy women together in a bar. Well, that explains the headache I have today.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Songs On My Mind...

I've been listening to a lot of music lately. HIM especially. "This Fortress of Tears" is one of my absolute FAVORITE songs. If you've never heard it, you definitely should. What are some of your favorite songs/artist AND songs/artist that you can't stand? Me...

Love- Fortress of Tears- Him, Poison Apples- Joan Osborne, Brilliant Disguise- Bruce Springsteen, At Last- Joan Osborne, Your Love- The Outfield, Sister Christian- Night Ranger, These Arms of Mine- Joan Osborne, Sweet Pandemonium- HIM, Sunset Grill- Don Henley, As Long As It Matters- Gin Blossms, Wagon Wheel- Old Crow Medicine Show, The Space Between- Dave Matthews Band

Hate- Most All Faith Hill, Green Day, Gwen Steffani, Jessica Simpson, most "boy bands", Neil Young, *I'm sure there are more- and as I think of them, I'll post them*

Your turn!

Thursday, January 12, 2006


5 Things I'm Addicted To:

1. Cigarettes

2. Beauty- anything to make me more beautiful and retain my youth (Yes, I suppose I am vain)

3. Chocolate

4. Men

5. Dr. Pepper

I've tagged everyone under the sun in past posts- so if you haven't been tagged- then you're it!


I was told to tell a lie
Instead I kissed the boys,
and made them cry
And, still you think it's funny
I was late,
Well, God told me to wait
And in the end, when hearts were handed out
Some of us missed out

But if you're lonely,
Kiss the boys and make them cry
It only, hurts you for a little while
And we'll keep, turning,
Turning round the sun,
And all the days roll into one.

I took my time to look around
In love and all the places I have been
I pushed and stumbled in,
But I was late,
Still God told me to wait
And if I throw a pile of magic beans
Lets hope that I don't sneeze

But if you're lonely,
Kiss the boys and make them cry
It only, hurts you for a little while
And we'll keep, turning,
Turning round the sun,
And all the days roll into one.

Georgie Porgie pudding and pie
Kiss the boys and make them cry
When the boys came out to play
Georgie Porgie ran away
Georgie Porgie ran away

But if you're lonely,
Kiss the boys and make them cry
It only, hurts you for a little while
And we'll keep, turning,
Turning round the sun,
And all the days roll, into into one.
And we'll keep, turning,
Turning round the sun,
And all the days roll, into into one.
And we'll keep, turning,
Turning round the sun,
And all the days roll, into into one.

If you're lonely
If you're lonely

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Þinn Barn Aldrei Myndarleg manneskja Góður Í Blár...

So very, very true. I woke up this morning with a splitting headache. Thank God I was off, was all I kept thinking. I had turned the ringer off on my phone, so my answering machine was beeping like crazy. Deborah, wanting to tell me how great class went last night, that I really have a way with the kids. That was sweet. I really am enjoying teaching ballet in my spare time. Next call- Susan. Wanting me to meet her for lunch around the corner, she has something important to tell me. Hmmmmmm, wonder what's going on there. Maria- wanting me to stop by rehearsal tonight if I'm not busy. That'll depend upon how I feel. Bobby. That was a pleasant surprise. Just wanting to see how I'm doing. Last call- and certainly the VERY least. Chuck. Yes. The nutjob called this morning.

My feelings about Chuck go back and forth from day to day. Somedays, I think it's not a big deal, he's an ok guy. Not my dream man, but he's ok. Other days, I find myself afraid of him, second guessing my every move. The message was kind and sweet. He just called to see how I was doing, and to let me know he's thinking of me. The same type of message Bobby typically leaves for me. However, Bobby's messages have never creeped me out before. I just brushed Chuck's call off, returning the rest.

I wanted to tell Bobby so badly today about Chuck, but I could tell just by the tone of his voice, he wasn't having a good day. The last thing I want to do is burden him with my problems. I mean, it's a problem enough being so confused. My feelings for him change from one day to the next. Ok. I'll admit it. Denial is the best way to describe the situation. If I deny it, it doesn't hurt so badly. I didn't tell Bobby about Chuck. I kept the conversation short and sweet. I had honestly wanted to go have a drink with him tonight, just relax, relieve so stress, but right now, that's really not a good idea.

I finally got myself together and met Susan. She's gotten a new job. A much more upscale restaurant with better pay and benefits. Thank goodness. She's been stressing about her job for so long, finding out she's finally gotten a new one makes things so much easier for everyone around her. She really wanted to go out tonight to celebrate. We called a huge group of friends and made reservations at one of Susan's favorite restaurants.

There ended up being 23 people in all. I was really excited to get together with everyone. Justin, Jake, Carrie, Gigi, Jeremy, and all of the people I haven't seen in so long had so much to say. We were able to catch up on all of the happenings from the past couple of months. I dodged the questions about my "love life" as much as I could. I didn't feel like trying to explain why I'm not with Bobby, when honestly, I don't even know myself, and why I have another detective virtually stalking me. Thank goodness for alcohol is all I can say. It's your best friend when people ask you uncomfortable questions. Simply offer to buy them a drink, make a toast or take a shot, and all is forgotten. If only that were true for the big things in life... C'est La Vie...

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Regret, Shame, And All That You Can't Live Without....

I've spent a lot of time beating myself up over Chuck and New Year's Eve. It's one of the nights I regret most in my life. For me, getting out what's bothering me and finding other's who've been through the same thing, often helps to begin the healing process. What has happened in your life that you regret, or you wish you could just erase. A harsh word to a loved one, a bad relationship, a missed opportunity? Share with me...

No Penguins Were Harmed During This Quiz...

Four jobs you've never had in your life:

Professional Student
Dog Trainer
Sex Toy Inventor

Four movies you don't want to watch even once:

Romeo and Juliet
West Side Story
Spice World
Full Frontal

Four places you've never lived:

Abu Dhabi
Walla Walla, WA
Intercourse, PA
Butte, MO

Four television shows you've never watched:

Desperate Housewives

For places you've never been on vacation:

Detroit, MI
Mexico City
Paris, Tx
Athens, TN

Four of your least favorite foods:

Brussels Sprouts

Four places you'd rather not be:

On Flat Land
Anywhere in the middle east
At a Neil Young concert

Four albums (cds) you can live without:

Any Neil Young Album
Green Day- Dookie
Any Faith Hill Album
Any Styx Album

TAG- EVERYONE is it!!!

Ok... I'm Soliciting...

Your vote would be appreciated- VERY much...

If you like me- let THEM know!

Just What I Needed...

After the craziness of the past couple of weeks, I really needed to just get out and have some fun. Susan and I met Maria and the girls at the bar tonight. I told them NO Bliss tonight. I wasn't in the mood to run into Chuck. We went to Jade's regular bar, Off The Wagon. Yep, everyone there, fell off the wagon a long time ago. It was definitely one of the most packed bars I've been to in Manhattan. Two levels of nothing but partying.

I must admit, I had a wonderful time. I won six rounds of pool against Jade, Susan, and four guys I didn't know! Ladies, make a note of this- if you're broke, this is THE bar to go to... I didn't pay for a single drink. I met some really nice men tonight. Guys who weren't trying to take me to the hotel, just looking for someone to have a good conversation with, maybe even a few games of pool. All drinks were on them, which was a BIG plus!

Although Jade had a little too much fun. I had a flashback to December 14th, and Alex dancing on the bar. Jade was on top of the bar dancing and having a wonderful time. I couldn't help but laugh at her. A 36 year old woman breaking it down, drunk off her ass. Just wrong. Getting together and letting our hair down, has been the most wonderful experience. Leaving our problems at the door, and just going where the night takes us- it's something we all need to do more often.

Life is so short, it's too short to be lived full of regret and worry. I guess that's why when I saw Chuck watching us from across the street it didn't really worry me. Although Susan threatened to call the police. Yeah right. Who the hell is gonna believe her or me over another cop? Maybe that's why it's 3:00am and I'm still awake. If I knew Bobby was awake, I'd call him. But would he believe me? I'm gonna lay back down. I can't worry about it, not right now. This will probably end up being a long night..

Monday, January 09, 2006

Floating Between...

Have you ever had one of those days where you constantly feel like you're floating between consciousness and unconsciousness? It's the strangest feeling. I barely remember working. The drive to Carmel and back- a complete blur. In spite of the "Chuck" drama, I've managed to keep myself somewhat sane. That's not to say that the guilt isn't still there, because it is- but I'm taking things day by day. One day at a time.

I got home to find the answering machine beeping at me loudly. Damn. I just wanted a few minutes of peace and quiet to gather my thoughts and clear my cloudy mind. Three messages from Chuck. Three. Although, one, did actually make me feel better. I think it probably took up over half of the memory on my answering machine. He apologized for being such an insensitive ass. He admitted saying things to intentionally hurt me because he felt rejected. He wasn't used to dating a woman like me *where I have heard this one before?*. Anyway, to make a really long story short, he was basically asking for forgiveness.

Yes, Chuck is an ass. We all know it. As warped as this is going to sound, I do have a soft spot for him. I know getting back together with him is not the right thing to do, but I would like for him to know I can forgive him for the horrible things he said. I'm not looking for drama, a one night stand, or marriage from this man. However, he was my "first", and will always have a special place in my heart, even if he's not the love of my life.

I called Susan, letting her hear the message he left. Of course, Susan wasn't quite as forgiving as I was after hearing it. I was on the phone with her a good thirty minutes before she stopped using language that wasn't suitable for those under 17 years of age. Yes, basically she called him everything but a white man. I can't blame her. We were the same way about Shane, and Wes, and... I won't go on. You get the picture.

So much for getting some "Chloe' Time" today. While talking to Susan, she informed me that she and Maria had spoken to Deborah, Carly, and Mia, and tonight, we were going out for a "girls night out". Ok, sounds like fun. It's been a long time since we've been out- just the girls. A nice dinner and a few drinks- probably some men bashing and gossip. Just what I need to get out of this funk I'm in... I'm seriously thinking of going on the patch, had anyone tried it? Cigarette prices are obscene in New York!

Saturday, January 07, 2006

The Subject Is Love and Sex...

After reading this post by Deb. I opened my eyes, realizing just how much more there was to love and sex than I had allowed myself to think about. In society, today, we place so much emphasis on sex. We think there can't be a relationship without sex. Sex is the ultimate. No. Sex isn't the ultimate. It's about much more than just "getting off". If you've really gotta "get off", there's plenty of things out there that can help you do so without having to bring another person into the picture.

For many years, as a virgin, I felt like the odd woman out. Constantly being pressured by friends, because "everyone is doing it", and "it's what men want". What happened to love and respect? What happened to really getting to know one another before taking the next step in a relationship. What happened to love? Lust took over. We've allowed lust to get in our way. We've allowed others to decide what's right for us. I, too, caved into the "sensationalism" of it all. I let go of the morals I held true to, to fit in- to be the worldly woman everyone else wanted me to be. I regret that. I'm an individual.

Maybe I am a "goody two shoes". Maybe I don't give of my body freely to just anyone who wants a piece. But when I do give of myself, I give totally, without reservation. I know how to please and be pleased. To quote Deb "It's about quality, not quantity". The best lovers aren't necessarily the one's who've had the most experience. With that being said, I know what I want and what I like. I know what I don't like. I know that my personal beliefs in sex and relationships are what some would call "old fashioned" or "conventional". Up until recently, I was able to look at myself in the mirror without shame and regret, because I stood up for my convictions. I gave of myself when things felt secure and "right".

Basically what I'm saying is this, so what if everybody's doing it? So what if that's what they expect. Do what YOU expect of YOURSELF. Be true to YOU. No matter what choices you decide to make, make sure, ultimately, you'll be able to look at yourself in the mirror the next morning and be ok with who you are- regardless.

Always remember- after the sex is over, it means much more to have someone to talk to that gets you, than someone you keep looking at wishing they'd leave.

Be Aware...

Please check out this link . It's so sad, and shouldn't be happening. Don't close your eyes, or turn your head- deal with it, regardless of whether or not you think it's right or wrong- it's all about repect. Love is love. Don't judge that which you do not understand.

Walk blindly to the light and reach out for his hand
Don't ask any questions and don't try to understand
Open up your mind and then open up your heart
And you will see that you and me aren't very far apart

'Cause I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way

Violence is spread worldwide and there are families on the street
And we sell drugs to children now oh why can't we just see
That all we do is eliminate our future with the things we do today
Money is our incentive now so that makes it okay

But I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way...

Friday, January 06, 2006

Breathing In...

A breath of the cold New York air. When you walk the streets of New York at night, you see the theater of the living. There's nothing like it. The night was cold as ice, but I needed the chill to remind me just how human I really am. I'm breathing- barely breathing. I passed a family as I walked home from rehearsal. They were cold, their clothes were ragged, and looked as if they didn't know where their next meal was coming from- my heart went out to them. I wanted to go to them, to give them all the money I had, to feed them, help them- just something. I passed a man who was singing at the top of his lungs, to everyone, and no one. Lost in his own little world. What euphoria that must be- not having to deal with the stress of reality.

I got lost in the faces, captivated by the sights of each individual. I saw a thousand emotions in a matter of minutes. If you allow yourself to look around, it can overwhelm you. It's in your face, so you either deal with it, or you don't. You either cave in, or harden your heart- there's no purgatory on the streets of New York City.

After a harsh reality check, I needed to escape. I needed to dance. I walked down to the dance studio. There are no classes on thursday night, so I knew I could dance my heart out, and on one would bother me. I could cleanse my mind, body and soul through dance. I changed my clothes and played the entire "Flashdance" CD. Flashdance. How ironic is it that a movie about a welder/exotic dancer produced so many beautiful artistic dance routines? I know each dance by heart. I feel the music. I feel the dance. It reminds me I'm alive, and what an outstanding gift God has given me.

I didn't close the blinds. Anyone walking down the streets could watch me. It didn't matter. I had nothing to hide, and nothing to show. I wasn't performing for anyone but myself. I was pushing myself for me. I was breaking through, re-connecting with who I am. I was absolutely exhausted by the time CD was finished. I sat down wearily against the wall of mirrors and took a good hard look at myself. I really, looked at myself. I'm pushing 30. I've been riding through my life being the "nice girl", the "sweet girl", the "sister". I'm a woman. I have thoughts. I have interests. I have needs. What am I doing about this? Going to the bars and getting drunk isn't cutting it.

I stood up, wiping the tears from my eyes. I'm ready to start over. I'm ready to be who I was born to be, not who I was made to be. I'm ready to do what I expect of me, not what everyone else expects. As I spun around one last time, I saw someone watching me out of the corner of my eye. By the time I was able to turn around- they were gone. I couldn't tell if it was a man or a woman, nor do I know how long they were watching me. It doesn't matter- it's not about them, it's about me. It's about looking forward, without fear.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Day From Hell...

I met Chuck for lunch today. I wanted to meet on neutral territory. I figured that was the best thing to do. Maybe he wouldn't cause a scene if I met him in public. Oh. No. I met him right down the street from my apartment, a little diner that I was familiar with- just in case. I explained to him that I had enjoyed his company, that we had some good times, but I'm not ready for a relationship, and didn't appreciate our affairs being the talk of the police department.

Of course, he denied ever saying a word. Right. He kept swearing it was because of the phone call. No. Well, yes, that's part of it. It's more to do with the fact that I feel nothing for this man, and I'm not attracted to him. Yes, he's an attractive man, he's got a good career, is financially stable, and was crazy about me- but he's an ass. The true definition of a pig. He's so arrogant, he can't fathom why I wouldn't want to see him anymore.

Then, he threw Bobby into the mix. It's all about that other "dick", as he referred to him. That did it. This wasn't about Bobby. It was about me, and Chuck- and all the drama we've been through in a matter of a couple of weeks. It's only been a couple of weeks- he's acting like we were together for three years or something! C'mon- let it go!

I'd finally had enough. I paid the waitress, and told Chuck good-bye, and not to call me anymore. He made a scene, screaming about how I'd be back, and I'd be sorry- that he was the best thing that's ever happened to me that, and I quote, "Bobby Goren can have you, you're just damaged goods now". Great. The whole friggin' cafe heard every word. I was mortified. I ran out and down the block to my apartment. I sat there in tears for over an hour.

What did I do to deserve this? I honestly tried not to lead him on. I told him we'd made a mistake on New Year's Eve, that I wasn't like that. I'm not a complete prude, but I'd prefer to know someone- have a connection with them before hopping into bed. He acted all understanding, then went behind my back and talked about me like some common trash! He's a 47 year old man! Not some 16 year old boy! I- I'm just stunned.

At least it's over. I'm finished with him- he's out the door. As much as I hate admitting it- Mike is right. So what if Chuck was the first. So I screwed up. I have other chances. Just because he wasn't "Mr. Right", my world won't end. I have plenty of chances with whomever I wish. I just have to be more careful- next time. I've learned a lot from the experience. No things don't always turn out like we've planned, and when things go wrong, we must learn and go on.

I tried calling Bobby. I just wanted him to know things are over between me and Chuck and to keep his ears open. I know he's probably going to be talking some trash about me, and I'd like to know what's going on. I got his voicemail. I don't know what's going on with him. He was really cold, really distant yesterday. It wasn't like him at all. I don't understand, but I'm going to give him some space. He'll call me when he's ready to talk. It's just hard. I'm used to talking to him almost daily.

Maria called a few minutes ago, she has rehearsal tonight. I'm going to stop by. I didn't even ask what play she's working on- doesn't really matter, I just need to get out of the house. Cigarettes: 28, I'm back up there again.

Stuck... In A Moment

I'm not afraid of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company

I never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you
You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere, baby

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I will not forsake, the colours that you bring
But the nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing
I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me
I still listen through your ears, and through your eyes I can see

And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it's tough, and you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now... my oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Oh love look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm till you discover how deep...
I wasn't jumping... for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better now
You're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along the stony pass
It's just a moment
This time will pass

Wednesday, January 04, 2006


After talking to Bobby today- I broke down. I've tried to play things so cool. It's not a big deal. So, I slept with a man I didn't love. It's ok. Lots of people do it. Bullshit. It matters to me. No matter how much I try to pretend it's ok, it's not. I gave Chuck the most precious gift I can only give once, and I don't even remember it. How could I be so stupid? How could I let myself get so drunk and lower my inhibitions so much that this happened? As if that wasn't bad enough- Bobby. My dear Bobby had to find out.

Bobby. I care much more for him than he'll ever know. I know right now, he can't give me what I want from him so desperately, that I've just stepped away. Sure, we're still friends, best of friends, but... There's more. I wanted him to be "the one". I knew he would take care of me, that he would be gentle, that he wouldn't hurt me- or exploit me the way Chuck has.

What Bobby must think of me now. He probably thinks I'm some complete trash. I never even remotely made a move on him. There was reason for that. I really wanted to be sure- to be sure that we'd make it. That there would be an "us", before I took that step. I need him to know that- but how? It's not just something you casually bring up in conversation. "Oh by the way, Bobby- it's not personal that we didn't have sex, I just wanted to make sure we were gonna make it. Oh, and that Chuck thing- stupid on my part". That would go over REALLY well.

I've screwed myself over majorly. I lost my virginity to a man I didn't love, as a matter of fact, can't stand now, and in the process I might've lost the one man I truly love. How do I pick up the pieces? What do I do? I'm at a loss...

I think I'm going to pull a Bridget Jones, smoke a pack of cigarettes, drink a bottle of wine and sing "All By Myself" at the top of my lungs.

Drama...The Story Of My Life

I had a great night last night. Class went great. I'm learning all the little things in ballet that I had forgotten from so many years ago. Even though I'm teaching a younger group, I'm also realizing I'm a little more out of shape than I thought I was. Perhaps Pilates is in order? When I arrived home, my answering machine was beeping. Chuck. This guy is starting to really get on my nerves. Even though he swears he didn't make that phone call, there's something about him I'm really uneasy about. Maybe it's nothing. I don't know.

I made a fuzzy navel and sat down with a book. I was relaxed for the first time in a long time. When I woke up this morning, the phone was ringing. Please, not Chuck, it's too early. It was Bobby. That was definitely a pleasant surprise. He was much cooler that usual. Distant. I didn't understand. We hadn't had a falling out, and to the best of my knowledge everything was fine between us.

"We" weren't the problem. I finally asked him what the problem was- he wasn't acting right. He told me I was the talk of the bullpin. Apparently, Chuck has been blabbing to everyone about us. Only, there's not an "us" to brag about. I tried to explain to Bobby that he was just a guy I met at a bar. We went out a few a times, and I made a big mistake. One I regret. I told him about the phone call yesterday, that it came from Chuck's, and he insisted on staying the night. I made him sleep in my guest room and it really pissed him off. I don't want anything else to do with him- I just want rid of him. I don't even like talking about him now.

Bobby knows me. He knows I'm not the kind of person Chuck is making me out to be. Bobby knows the real me. I wanted to see him tonight, just for drinks or dinner- just to talk. He said couldn't tonight, but that he'd call me later. Damn Chuck. Bobby is one of my best friends, he will NOT come between us.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Absit Omen May The Omen Be Absent...

Last night was a long one, once again. Chuck insisted on spending the night, even though I completely protested, telling him I would be fine. I could tell he was more than a little disappointed that I didn't offer to share my bed with him. I don't typically make a habit of hopping into bed with men after only a week. Yeah, I screwed up the other night. I'll be the first to admit it, but that doesn't mean I need to continue to do so. I don't want to give Chuck the wrong idea. He's a great guy, it's just- it's not there. The chemistry, the chemistry I had with- nope. Stopping myself. Not going there.

Chuck sat up with me, going over every detail of my day, and his. Trying to figure out how this "mysterious phone call" was placed. He had been over his apartment with a fine tooth comb. Nothing, absolutely nothing. I kept telling him not to worry about it. It's over. I'm fine. No harm done. I was just freaked out thinking he was some sort of nutjob. The man won't leave well enough alone. Thank God I have to commute to Carmel every day. At least he can't follow me there. Work was a welcome relief today.

No strange phone calls, no cryptic song messages left on my answering machine. I'm not worried. Going to rest for awhile and then get ready to head to the dance studio. Ballet night. I think after that, I'm going to curl up with a good book. A night at home sounds like fun for a change.

On A Lighter Note...

Ken has tagged me! *I wasn't slapped by a penguin this time*.

These are the rules of the game: You must write a journal entry listing those weirdnesses you possess ~ as well as the rules of the game. Then, you select five people to tag and link their names/blogs in your entry. Go to their journals and leave a comment informing them they have been tagged by you and to read your journal to see in what way they have been nailed! Those five then MUST write an entry listing their weird habits and tag an additional five people...

Ok, Five Weird Habits:

1. I sleep with a "security cow".

2. I can't sleep without "moisture lock footies" on my feet.

3. I can only eat ketchup from fast food restaurants with the food from that restaurant. *IE: I can't eat McDonald's ketchup with a meal from Wendy's. It messes up my entire world*.

4. I won't drink tap water. It has to be filtered.

5. I won't smoke cigarettes from a "soft pack". If they're not in the box, I can't handle it.

Now, everyone thinks I'm nuts. Time for me to TAG some more victims!

1. Penguin Pal
2. Mikey "The There's No Porn Fairy" Logan
3. Faye
4. Geoffrey

PS: I've had people asking what a "Security Cow" is- it's a stuffed cow I sleep with, similiar to a "security blanket" or a teddy bear- Mine just happens to be a cow. I'm weird like that...
5. Pinky

Monday, January 02, 2006


After checking my messages and my caller ID, it was clear who left my mysterious message. Chuck. Why? That's beyond strange, and borderline scary. I've only been casually seeing this man for what, a week? And now he's leaving cryptic "song messages" on my answering machine, I really don't need this. I debated on what to do. Maybe it was joke? Maybe he was doing this all in light-hearted fun. After all, he knows I love 80's music, and Prince, well, he does top the list. What if it wasn't a joke. What if he's nuts? I can't handle that. After debating and debating, I picked up the phone and called him. He didn't mention calling me, as a matter of fact, he said he had been tied up in court all day long.

Court. That's not possible. The call came from HIS apartment at 3:35pm. It's on my caller ID, there's no denying where the call came from. I was silent. I didn't know what to say. My first thought is, "This man is a complete nutjob, I have to get away from him, and FAST". Running. It's what I do best. He kept asking me what was wrong. I finally broke down and told him to stop lying to me. I knew he wasn't in court, and he called me, leaving a song on my answering machine and it wasn't cute or funny- it's downright creepy.

He acted completely stunned, as if he had NO idea what I was talking about. I played the message for him, asking him again, angrily if he was going to deny doing it. He swore to me he was in court, and could prove it. He told me he was on his way right now with transcripts, proving he had to testify, and assuring me of his whereabouts. I agreed to let him come over tonight. I had to see this proof for myself.

Right on time, 7:00pm sharp, my doorbell rang. It was a disheveled Chuck, holding court transcript papers in his hand. I stood there completely perplexed. How did this happen? Was it a complete fluke? Did the lines get crossed? How did a call come from his apartment when he wasn't there. He lives alone, has no family in the area, NO ONE has a key to his apartment. He assured me he'd never do a thing like that. "For God's sake Chloe', I'm a cop, don't you think I know better than that?", he asked me. I KNOW he SHOULD know better, but in this day in time, you never know who you can or cannot trust.

He has the proof, he was exactly where he said he was, he didn't do it. But who did? Maybe I'm making a big deal over nothing. I'll just let it ride. I just can't shake the feeling that something's wrong. Time will tell I suppose.

The Strangest Thing...

Baby, baby,baby
What's it gonna be
Is it him or me?

Don't make me waste my time
Don't make me lose my mind baby
Baby, baby, baby
Can't you stay with me tonight?

Oh baby, baby,baby
Don't my kisses please you right?
You were so hard to find
The beautiful one's, they hurt you
Every time

Paint a perfect picture
Bring to life a vision in one's mind
The beautiful one's
Always smash the picture
Always every time

If I told you baby
That I was in love with you
Oh baby, baby, baby
If we got married
Would that be cool?

You make me so confused
The beautiful ones
You always seem to lose

I came home to find this playing on my answering machine... Am I freaked out... You be the judge. *Hint, it didn't come from Bobby*

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Frangar Non Flectar...

I'm just now posting, I know, I'm sorry. It was a LONG night. I do mean long. After hurriedly running to Olivia's apartment to get her dress and visiting for a few minutes, I had to go all the way back to my apartment for to begin getting ready. As I put on my dress, I began to have second thoughts. This is going to be a new year- shouldn't I be celebrating with my friends and loved ones? After all, it's a new dawn, it's a new day- and I want to be feeling fine. Like I said before, if you can't be with the one you love, then love the one you're with... Damn, I can be so stupid sometimes.

I had a glass of Asti to loosen me up a bit while I was getting ready. I put on a little Joan, and really began feeling the spirit. Ok, I was feeling the Asti. One drink turned into an entire bottle. I was drunk by 6:00pm. I kept thinking, at least I look good. I had no idea how I was going to manage a night in my favorite 3" Manolo's, but come hell or high water, it would be done. My hair was styled perfectly. My make-up, immaculate. Maybe I should get drunk to get ready more often. A spritz of Addict. No, no more addictions. A spritz of Chanel No. 5. Classy. Evocative. Always in style. The final touch, my diamond chandelier earrings. I looked like Cosmo's cover girl for the New Year.

As I looked at myself in the mirror, I realized- I had no idea who was looking back at me. Who is Chloe' Gardner? Is she the perfect angel, saintly good-two-shoes that everyone thinks she is? No. She's a humanitarian by nature, a nurturer, a care-giver, but she's so much more than that. She's a woman. No longer defined by what crown is placed upon her head, and what title she represents with honor and dignity. She's tired of having to hold up the ideal of Miss Tennessee. That was years ago, it shouldn't be continuing to shape who I am. It's who I was.

Chloe' Gardner is a woman. A smart, funny, passionate, complicated woman. There's far more than meets the eye. Far more than I've allowed myself to show, than I've allowed myself to be. I've lived in fear of fucking up for years. Allowing myself to live for the moment, to do whatever I wish. To let the wild woman inside of me come out every one in awhile. It's time. I decided tonight, would be the night I lived in the moment, not for the moment. Not focusing on what if, but what is.

Chuck picked me up at 7:45pm. I had sobered up a bit by the time he arrived. He was wearing his dress uniform, and looked very handsome. He had a beautiful corsage for me. A white orchid. It was simple, but breathtaking. I know this man isn't "the one", but he cares about me, and there's no reason why I can't enjoy his company.

I had no idea where we were going, until the limo pulled up to the restaurant. Cascina Ristorante. Several of his friends from the department were already there. There was section reserved just for the department. A private dinner and dance party. What fun! The atmosphere was rustic, yet sensual. I was really glad I accepted Chuck's invitation. I mingled among the eceletic crowd. I was a complete stranger. I did see a few nurses I worked with at the hospital a few months ago. It was good to be able to catch up with who's doing what now, and how everyone is doing.

After dinner, dancing began a little after 9:00pm. Dinner, dancing, and drinks. Lots, and lots of drinks. Champagne flowed freely from every corner of the restaurant. Good times were had by all. I livened up. I danced like I was sixteen again, and drank like I had just turned twenty-one. I don't know how much I had to drink. I don't remember the clock striking midnight. I don't remember coming home. I remember, waking up this morning. I wasn't alone. What have I done? What did I do?

I'm far too ashamed to even ask. My one night. My night of a new beginning. My night of loosening up, living a little, and I went from one extreme to the other. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have let this happen? Chuck left around noon. I was never so glad to see anyone leave in my life. He told me he'd call me later, and would like for me to come over for dinner. That's a big no. I don't feel like dealing with him. It's not exactly his fault. He's not the one who drank himself into oblivion with no idea what the consequences would be in the morning. The consequences. I hadn't even thought about that. Until now. Happy New Year's, Chloe'- may the rest of your year be better than your night.

  • Not A Typical Night...
  • Life- As I Know It...
  • Last Night...
  • Tonight...
  • Wednesday Night...
  • Run Baby Run...
  • I Can't Believe It...
  • Now That I'm Relatively Calm...
  • One Beautiful Sunday...
  • Dreams Do Come True...
  • Most Wonderful Night...
  • Most Magical Night Of My Life...
  • What Were The Chances...
  • Time Heals All Wounds...
  • Sparkling Sangria...

  • MySpace Icon Collage

  • The Pirate King...
  • Mikey's Subway Chick...
  • Olivia AKA: Elliot's Woman...
  • Elliot Stabler...
  • The Woman Who Has To Deal With Mike...
  • Support From Day One...
  • Paranoid Detective...
  • My Aunt Is Not As Old As This Man...
  • A Dear, Precious Friend...
  • Life...As I Know It...
  • My Penguin Pal...
  • Displaced New Yorker...
  • Amy...
  • Janice...
  • Deb...
  • Faye...
  • Jules...
  • Hannala...
  • A Year In The Life Of...
  • Let Me Go On And On...
  • Inspiration Comes Easy...
  • Kara's Place...
  • Nights in Rodanthe...
  • Malcolm's Page...
  • Castle Shima...
  • Agape...
  • Betty On The Beach...
  • Sunshine Lipstick...
  • Go With The Flow...
  • Slackers With Advanced Degrees...
  • Hollow...
  • The Wildest Woman I Know...
  • Nice Guys Finish Last...
  • Musings & Mad Ramblings...
  • Another Very Dark Place...
  • Laura Elizabeth...
  • Suzanne...
  • Lorrie...
  • Tess...
  • Never Forget...
  • In Memory...