The Breathless Fantasy...

There's A Fine Line Between Fantasy And Reality... I'm Dancing On That Line

My Photo
Location: New York, The Big Apple, United States

My heart guides me, but my mind always finds me..... "I could be in the street, I could be on a train, Or struck in some doorway down, In the pouring rain, Now there is not one place, That doesn't feel like home...."

Monday, October 31, 2005

Just For Fun...

These questions were sent to me by a friend... I thought it would be fun to share with everyone.

Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property?

Does heavily rolling and egging their house and car count?

Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people?

Yes, probably a thousand or so during pageants.

What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex?

Their eyes, and their height. I like tall men, with broad shoulders and mysterious eyes.

What is your biggest mistake?

Not learning to live for myself sooner...

Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?

No. But I am an accident waiting to happen.

Say something totally random about yourself.

I'm listening to "Magnet and Steel" by Walter Egan right now, and singing it loudly as I type.

Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?

Yes, Tracy Bregman from the Young and the Restless.

Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?
Absolutely, Spongebob Squarepants RULES!!! Angry Beavers are still great too!

Did you have braces?

Yes, a huge mouth full of metal for 4 long, painful years!!!

Are you comfortable with your height?

Yes, I'm 5'9. Although it is hard finding men who are taller sometimes.

Do you speak any other languages?

I've studied French and am relatively fluent.

Have you ever been to a tanning salon?

Yes, I used to live in one... I literally tanned 365 days a year. There is a playboy bunny on my left ankle showing how white my skin will never be again. I haven't tanned in over a year, and it's still there. God only knows what I've done to myself.

What magazines do you read?

Cosmo, Glamour, Allure, Elle, Pageantry... Did I forget any?

Have you ever ridden in a limo?


Has anyone you were really close to passed away?


Do you watch MTV?

Not any more. It's not the same as it was back in the "good ol' days".

What's something that really annoys you?


What's something you really like?

Sleep, Cigarettes, Friends

Can you dance?


What's the latest you have ever stayed up?

Well, being a nurse, a LONG TIME. I think the longest was 49 hours.

Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?


When was the last time you cried?

Saturday night.

Have you ever been to another country?


Do you wish on stars?


If you were a crayon, what color would you be?


What is your occupation?

Registered Nurse

Last person you spoke to on the phone?


Have you ever dyed your hair?

Do I have to tell the truth?

What do you do to vent anger?

Scream and Smoke...

Who is the friend you have had the longest?


How many states have you lived in?


Favorite dog breed?

Boxer Bulldog

Cherry or Blueberry?


Favorite car?

Camero Convertible... Oh how I miss mine :0(

What was the last movie you watched?

Wrong Turn

If you were a mixed drink, what would you be?

A Banshee

Do you go to church?


How many pets do you have?

Four. One cat, three hermit crabs.

*Where do people come up with these things? *LOL*

It's Been Good...

Getting back to work. Working keeps my mind from drifting to places I don't want to go... Carmel Ridge is such a nice hospital. The nurse/patient ratio is 1 to 3. We're able to provide exceptional one on one care to each of our patients. Typically, we're not rotated. Once we're assigned patients, that's who we care for exclusively. The patients become familiar with us, and it makes it a more comfortable environment for them. I'm caring for two women and one man. An older woman whom I'll call "Emma", has really taken to me. While her medications are working, and she's lucid, she's the most loving, entertaining individual. She tells me stories of her youth, and how much she loves her children. She has two boys that she loves dearly. She's so proud of her "Baby Bobby', as she refers to him. He was her caretaker. He helped her for so many years while she denied she was sick. She cries often, feeling such guilt for the life her boys endured. I sit and hold her hand, assuring her, that her children love her- no matter what. That normalcy is only a state of mind. Normal is what we make of it.

After all, what is normal? Has anyone ever really defined that word? I'm not normal, I remind "Emma" of that constantly. I'm thankful to be caring for her. So many people who work in mental hospitals and institutions become cold and detached. They don't want to relate or emphathize with these people. I don't understand that. How can you care for someone, if you can't, on some level, relate to them? Inside, we all share a common bond. Sometimes, it takes time to find that bond, the tie that binds. I look for something, in every person I meet, that I can relate to- be it joy, pain, anxiety, depression, happiness, uncertainty, something. Inside, we all feel the same things, we just express them in different ways. I remind "Emma" of that each day. Some people cross the line, some people dance on it, and some never come close. Our choices are only half chance.

"Baby sneezes
Mommy pleases
Daddy breezes in
So good on paper
So romantic
So bewildering

I know nothin' stays the same
But if you're willin' to play the game
It's comin' around again
So don't mind if I fall apart
There's more room in a broken heart

Pay the grocer
You fix the toaster
You kiss the host goodbye
Then you break a window
Burn the soufflé
Scream the lullaby

And I believe in love
But what else can I do
So in love with you

I believe in love
Now who knows where or when
But it's comin' around again..."

Mary Jane...

"What's the matter Mary Jane, you had a hard day
As you place the don't disturb sign on the door
You lost your place in line again, what a pity
You never seem to want to dance anymore

It's a long way down
On this roller coaster
The last chance streetcar
Went off the track
And you're on it

I hear you're counting sheep again Mary Jane
What's the point of tryin' to dream anymore
I hear you're losing weight again Mary Jane
Do you ever wonder who you're losing it for

Well it's full speed baby
In the wrong direction
There's a few more bruises
If that's the way
You insist on heading

Please be honest Mary Jane
Are you happy
Please don't censor your tears

You're the sweet crusader
And you're on your way
You're the last great innocent

And that's why I love you

So take this moment Mary Jane and be selfish
Worry not about the cars that go by
All that matters Mary Jane I your freedom
Keep warm my dear, keep dry

Tell me
Tell me
What's the matter Mary Jane..."

Trust me... I feel it...

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Thank You...

Neele, for reminding me, a dance, is more than a dance... Neele posted this today on her blog, and it reached the deepest parts of my heart. I have to share it with all- Thank you, Neele- for knowing just what I needed to hear... You're a dear friend...

The Dance
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I have sent you my invitation,
the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.
Don’t jump up and shout, “Yes, this is what I want! Let’s do it!”
Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires,
spiraling down into the ache within the ache,
and I will show you how I reach inward and open outward
to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, every day.

Don’t tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.
Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are,
and see who I am in the stories I live.
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don’t tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day.
Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
truly okay with the way things are right now in this moment,
and again in the next and the next and the next. . .

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,
the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.
What carries you to the other side of that wall, to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving
those we once loved out loud.

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance,
the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business
without letting business determine who you are.
When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul’s desires have too high a price,
let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your people and the world
the stories and the songs
you want our children’s children to remember.
And I will show you how I struggle not to change the world,
but to love it.

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude,
knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging.
Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words,
holding neither against me at the end of the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest
intentions has died away on the wind,
dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale
of the breath that is breathing us all into being,
not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.

Don’t say, “Yes!”
Just take my hand and dance with me.

Run Baby, Run...

What a night it was... Heading out to 515, I began having second thoughts. Maybe I shouldn't be going out tonight. Maybe I should do something more productive. I've never been a "bar kinda girl", but lately, it's been comforting to get out. Sitting at home staring at the same four walls can get to a person after awhile. I put on my "Dorothy" costume and met up with Maria, Susan and Becky. Maria, being a "starving actress", borrowed my old college cheerleading uniform. That was too funny! She could've pulled it off with perfection except for the fact it has "Chloe" embroridered into it. Susan went as Pamela Anderson, and Becky went as Heidi Fleiss. What a crew we were walking into 515. I believe this is the first time in over a month, I've walked into that bar and didn't think of Bobby. It was packed. People in costumes, suits, street-clothes, you name it, I saw it.

I had a few drinks and mingled. It felt good just to be out, with nothing expected. Susan found a man instantly. Of course, I was expecting instant drama by the end of the evening, but that wasn't the case. His name was Ethan, and one of "New York's Finest". We thought it would be so funny if he took her out to his car, handcuffed her and "pretended" to arrest her. We NEVER thought he'd take us seriously, much less do it. Never underestimate the power of sexuality. He took us all out to his car, handcuffed us together and took our picture. How crazy was that? I've NEVER been in a cop car in my life, much less handcuffed. I must admit it was a cute picture, and definitely a keeper. We went back in and danced. This night had been wonderful, just what I needed to bring my spirits back up. I sat the "slow" songs out. I just didn't feel like being close to someone, not now. It was getting late, and I knew I had to leave. Carmel Ridge called earlier today and asked if I could work tomorrow. One of the nurses has had a death in her family and will be out for a few days. Sitting at home has driven me crazy, so I figured getting out and heading to work would do me good.

I feel much better when I'm working. I don't sit and think about what could've been, or should be, I do what needs to be done- right then. I help those in need, and leave with the satisfaction that I reached out to others. That I touched their lives, and hopefully gave them a positive outlook on tomorrow. I paid my bar tab, and prepared to leave. I looked around for Susan, Maria or Becky. I just wanted to let someone know I was taking a cab home. As I searched through the crowd, I could feel someone staring at me. I had a deep sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I closed my eyes. I knew. I didn't have to open my eyes. I didn't have to turn my head. I didn't have to look. I knew. I knew he was there. Watching... me. I turned and looked into his eyes. I had to leave. Right then. I couldn't wait. I couldn't tell anyone. I had to go. I ran. I didn't give him a chance to speak, to ask me to dance, or to tell me to go away. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to know what he was thinking. I just needed out, and fast. I walked out into the cold New York night and on to the street. I just walked. I walked as fast as my ruby slippers could take me. I had to go far, far away from him.

I walked at least three blocks before my feet were so tired and sore, I couldn't go anymore. I stopped and closed my eyes. Tears ran down my cheeks as I screamed at the top of my lungs "Damn you, Bobby!!!". I was so hurt, so angry, so confused, so embarrassed, and so alone. I went through a thousand emotions in less than a minute. As the tears poured down my cheeks, I fumbled through my purse for a cigarette. As I smoked, I kept looking back, terrified of seeing him. Terrified of him seeing me this way. All I kept thinking is "what is wrong with you Chloe'? Are you that far gone?" No. I'm not. They say in life there are few things we are certain about. Bobby. I'm certain. I know. He knows, but where in his brain is it stored? Hidden deep inside of the hurt, rejection and fear he's felt in the past. Safety. It's a word he's only heard about. He knows I'm safe. He knows who I am. He knows me, only, he hasn't realized that yet. I finally hailed a cab. The ride home was one of the longest I'd ever taken. I walked in to an empty apartment.

Home. It was safe. I was where I needed to be. It's time to clear my mind and get myself together. Tomorrow, it's all about my patients. I have to be of clear and sound mind tomorrow. They rely on me for strength and support- more than any patients ever have before. Letting them down is not an option. Cigarettes: 28, I'm struggling.

"Run baby,
Run baby,
Run baby,
Run baby,

Past the arms of the familiar,
And their talk of better days,
To the comfort of the strangers,
Slipping out before they say,
So long,

Baby loves to run..."

Saturday, October 29, 2005

For A Good Time...

Come to 515 tonight... Guaranteed fun, dancing, drinking, and craziness... It's that one time of year I get to go wild, and no one looks at me like nuts.

See You There...


Friday, October 28, 2005

One of Us...

"One of us is crying,
One of us is lying,
In her lonely bed,
Staring at the ceiling,
Wishing she was somewhere else instead,
One of us is lonely,
One of us is only,
Waiting for a call,
Sorry for herself, feeling stupid feeling small"

A call, I've accepted will probably never come.... Time to get out and stop feeling sorry for myself... His picture isn't helping anything here. I'm going out tonight. I don't care if I see him. Hell, who am I kidding. I do care. I wish I didn't. But... I do. Why does this man have this kind of hold on me? It's obvious he isn't interested. He hasn't even made an attempt at calling and/or contacting me in anyway- yet, I can't give up. I won't give up. There's still a shred of hope I hold onto. Am I just insane? Am I kidding myself? Only time will tell. Ready or not 515, here I come.... Cigarettes: Don't even ask...


Of watching Hope Floats and getting all depressed... I watched Bridget Jones' Diary, and laughed my ass off! Although, I had to admit, it did scare me a bit- I'm a lot like her. I'm always into something, I have crazy dysfunctional friends, I smoke way too much, and I could stand to clean my mouth up a bit- but you know what? I have fun. I enjoy life, and I enjoy people. Sometimes we have to sing "All By Myself" while eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's and smoking a half a pack of cigarettes to stay sane. That's life. We make the best of what we've got, and have fun in the process. Life. It's interesting. To say- the least.

Is Anyone?

As disturbed by this image as much as I am?

I'm speechless...

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Paper Wings....

Paper wings, all torn and bent,
But you made me feel like they were heaven sent,
Paper wings, not real at all,
But they took me high enough to really fall,
Your paper kisses, faded too soon,
Just like a paper rose, beneath a paper moon,
Paper wings, paper wings,
Oh how could I expect to fly with only paper wings,

Angels singing, didn't you hear,
If only I'd listened close, when they whispered in my ear,

Paper wings, paper wings,
Oh how could I expect to fly with only paper wings,
I tried to fly but found that I had only paper wings...

I think I'll watch Hope Floats tonight.... Sans Espoir, Nous n'avons rien...

Bonne Nuit.....


I have a lot of it free until Monday. What to do? Well, with it being "Halloween Weekend", I decided to revert back to childhood. I went down to the costume store and tried out a few. French Maid- too trashy. Bride of Frankenstein, too typical. A Witch, everyone dresses up as a witch. Wench, hmmmmm, not bad. Princess, no, that's what I've been running away from for years. Dorothy, from the Wizard of Oz. There's a costume. Cute, slightly conventional, definitely a eye catcher. Innocent, yet provocative. That's me. I paid a LOT more than I should've for the dress and shoes. I've always wanted a pair of "ruby slippers", it just took me twenty seven years to acquire them. Now, where to wear them? I've spent this money, I can't just stay home and let Morris appreciate my costume.

I know Maria and Susan will want to go out. Who am I kidding, if I didn't keep them semi-sane, they'd be living at the bar. You'd think women who were in their 30's would've calmed down a bit by now. I'm the youngest, and the most sensible. Who'd have thought? Maria wanted to wear my Watauga Valley crown, and pick up men swearing she won some MAO prelim in New York. The girl has lost her mind. She's turning into a regular "Blanche". Susan decided on a "Raggedy Ann" costume. That's going to look so cute. It's funny how when we were children, we wanted to wear "older costumes". I remember wanted to be a "Can Can Dancer" or "French Maid" when I was 10- thinking I would be so cool and sophisticated. Now that I'm pushing 30, I'm all for looking a little younger. Maybe we're trying to recapture the magic of youth, and on Halloween night, it's acceptable for everyone to be a child again. I don't know. I think too much. Cigarettes: 18, I'm doing a little better.


Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.

The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've every had.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back! Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.

It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real!

Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.

Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person, too.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

I received this today from a dear friend, and it reminded me, what life... is all about. Sometimes it takes something so simple to remind us not to be so complex.

Chances Are....

I'll see you somewhere
In my dreams tonight,
You'll be smiling like the night we met,
Chances are I'll hold you and I'll offer,
All I have...

You're the only one I can't forget,
Baby you're the best I've ever met...

He is simply the BEST....

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

For Neele....

She said she'd like for me to respond to this, so I thought I'd share it with everyone...

Three names I go by:

1. Chloe'
2. Espere'
3. Sis

Three screen names I have had:
1. Chloe'
2. Sparkling Seduction
3. Can't remember?

Three physical things I like about myself:

1. My Face
2. My Hair
3. My eyes

Three physical things I don't like about myself:

1. My oily skin
2. My 10 extra pounds
3. My pale skin

Three parts of my heritage:

1. Southern *LOL*
2. German
3. Native American

Three things that scare me:

1. Republicans
2. George Bush *see above*
3. Stupid People

Three of my everyday essentials:

1. Cigarettes
2. My Cat
3. My friends and their drama

Three of my favorite musical artists:

1. Joan Osborne
2. Sheryl Crow
3. Pearl Jam

Three of my favorite songs:

1. At Last: Joan Osborne
2. These Arms of Mine: Joan Osborne
3. Poison Apples: Joan Osborne
*You can't tell I love Joan, can you?*

Three things I want in a relationship (beneath love):

1. Respect
2. Fidelity
3. Humor

Three LIES:

1. "I've quit smoking"
2. "I've only had ONE drink"
3. "I don't think about Bobby"


1. I'm addicted to "As The World Turns".
2. I sing and dance, any time, anywhere.
3. I have more pocket books *AKA: Handbags* than I know what to do with.

Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to me:

1. Eyes
2. Broad Shoulders
3. Strong Hands

Three of my favorite hobbies:

1. Singing
2. Dancing
3. Writing

Three things I want to do really badly now:

1. Scream
2. Stay home
3. Smoke

Three careers I've considered (more dreamed of):

1. Dancer- On Broadway or NYC Ballet
2. Singer
3. Writer

Three places I want to go on vacation:

1. Easter Island
2. Tahiti
3. LA- NOT Lower Alabama *LOL*

Three kid's names I like:

1. Hannah
2. Olivia
3. Donovan

Three things I want to do before I die:

1. See Easter Island
2. Find Myself
3. Make the world a better place

Three ways that I am stereotypically a boy:

1. I smoke
2. I cuss like a sailor
3. I can take a shot of moonshine without even flinching

Three ways that I am stereotypically a girl:

1. I was a high school/college Cheerleader
2. Miss Watauga Valley/Miss Tennessee
3. Dior- Addict
*need I say more?

Three people that I would like to see respond...

1. Bobby
2. Alex
3. Janice

I hope you enjoyed it Neele! :0)

I'm Just Not Feeling The Love...

With going out tonight... I've already had one "winning" night out this week, and I sure don't want to have a repeat performance. I know what they're gonna say, "Let's go to 515- don't even think about seeing Bobby, we'll have a good time". Yes, they will have a good time, but me.... It's been exactly one month ago since we first met. I remember the look in his dark brown eyes, he haunts me. I wish I could forget all about him, but... I can't. And now, I'm left running. I don't want to put myself in a position to where I have to see him. I don't want to feel his arms holding me while we dance, only to have him leave me at the end of the night. Leave me, and never call. Nothing. As much as I don't want to see him, I'll end up giving in to Susan and Maria. They always have a way of making sure I do what they want. Pray I don't see him tonight, I don't think I'm strong enough to hold it together as of now...

And So It Is...

Interesting. Working with the mentally ill is a big switch from my regular nursing duties. I've had to reassure Mr. Allen that the Russians weren't outside his room waiting to kill him, Ms. Tellewn that JFK isn't our president anymore, and I'm not Joan Crawford. You have to take on a different personality. You have to find the level they're on, and relate to it. Patience. Without patience, this job would drive you absolutely insane, no pun intended. While most of the patients are allowed to sit in the social hall, I learned so much about them. I saw who could successfully interact with others, and those who were so far gone, they had no idea who people are- or for that matter, that they're a person.

As I watched them, I began to think. Science has proven many of the illnesses treated here were caused genetically and/or due to a chemical imbalance in the brain. However, those who weren't effected by the above situations, what caused them to snap? What causes someone to lose control, to literally, lose control of their mind? Are we all just one step away from crossing that line? Some would argue yes, we're all dancing right there. While others, would argue that no, it's genetically pre-determined. I suppose, for the time being, it will remain a mystery.

"Southern girl with a Scarlet drawl.
Wave good-bye to ma and pa,
cause, with the birds I'll share...

With the birds I'll share this lonely view..."

Tuesday, October 25, 2005


To clean out my locker... Only temporarily. I've accepted a temporary transfer to Carmel Ridge. They're extremely short staffed, and just lost another nurse due to maternity leave. What possessed me to accept this? I know how hard it's going to be. I've dealt with mental illness patients before, but never day in and day out. I'll still be working my three "12's", with four days off. God knows I'll need it to keep myself sane. I suppose I should look at the bright side. I have a heart full of love and compassion. I won't mistreat these people. They're humans, with hearts and souls. They're sick. I guess what bothers me the most, is that I can't help them. Sure, I can give them their medications, talk to them about the unicorn in the corner and how Santa Claus comes in their room each night and leaves them toys, but I can't make them well. At the end of the day, that's what weighs heavy on my heart.

I love people so much. I want to reach out and save them- that's the reason I became a nurse. I took this pledge when I graduated nursing school:

"I solemnly pledge myself before God and in the presence of this assembly to faithfully practice my profession of nursing. I will do all in my power to make and maintain the highest standards and practices of my profession.

I will hold in confidence all personal matters committed to my keeping in the practice of my calling. I will assist the physician in his work and will devote myself to the welfare of my patients, my family, and my community.

I will endeavor to fulfill my rights and privileges as a good citizen and take my share of responsibility in promoting the health and welfare of the community.

I will constantly endeavor to increase my knowledge and skills in nursing and to use them wisely. I will zealously seek to nurse those who are ill wherever they may be and whenever they are in need.

I will be active in assisting others in safeguarding and promoting the health and happiness of mankind."

I pray I can do these words justice at Carmel Ridge. Think of me, but more importantly, think of them- pray I don't let them down.

Last Night....

I thought heading for Angel versus 515 would be a great idea...not! Sure, it's a wonderful bar, classy setting, and white-collar men who think they're God. Yep, you guessed it. I picked up a winner last night. Brady Collins, an investment banker on Wall Street. A brutally handsome man, who KNOWS he is. We shared a few dances. No sparks. I kept thinking, what is wrong with you Chloe? This man has it ALL. All but class. I'm not some tart you take home and have your way with- he should be able to tell that by looking at me. On the same hand, it could be said I should've known he was scum by looking at him. Looks can be deceiving.

I broke free from him for a moment and headed straight for the bar. I needed a drink and a cigarette. Thank God, Angel is one of the few places left in New York where you can still smoke. I ordered a shot of Jack Daniels. I needed something hard, quick. I sat down beside of a petite woman who looked like she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. I told the bartender I'd pick up her tab. She gave me a half-hearted smile and thanked me. Her name was Alex, and she had a lot on her mind. A really bright woman, funny and caring. It was refreshing to talk to someone who just wanted to talk. We had a few drinks, talked, laughed, had a good evening. I was so glad to meet her- to get away from Brady. Around 1:00am, the girls had decided they'd had all the fun they could stand- Angel is not the place to pick up men. I was well, not in a good way. I paid for our drinks and left. I thanked Alex for lending a listening ear, and told her if she ever needed a good nurse, she knew where to find me.

Getting up this morning... that wasn't pretty.

Monday, October 24, 2005


That's where we're headed tonight. At least this time I won't be over-dressed if I decide to wear another "Marilyn" outfit. Maria and Susan wanted to go out tonight. I knew there was no way I was going to 515 tonight. I'm not ready to see Bobby again. Not yet. I felt picking another bar would be safe. I've dealt with so much at work lately, I just have too much on my mind. I want to go out and be anonymous. I don't want to know anyone tonight. I want to have a few drinks, dance and let go. Funny how we escape, isn't it?

I'd thought about taking some vacation time and heading for Tennessee. I'd fly home-get in my Mustang and run. Run the backroads of Tennessee. Leave behind all of the hurt. Leave behind the past. I came to New York running. Deep down inside, I've known it all along. I was tired of being in the spotlight. I was tired of being the perfect "angel". I was who I was expected to be. I was who they wanted me to be. I had to get away in order to find Chloe'. I found her. I know who she is, but sometimes, she's weak. Like Scarlett O'Hara, I draw strength from my land. I lived on 22 acres of some of the most beautiful land God placed on this earth. When I sat on my porch, looking out over the mountains, I couldn't imagine being anywhere else. Yet, here I sit in an apartment in New York City. I ran, because I couldn't face my demons. I need to make peace with those I've left behind. I need to explain why I did the things I did.

I've stopped running- or have I?

It's a New Dawn... It's a New Day...

Birds flying high,
You know how I feel-
Sun in the sky,
You know how I feel-
Reeds driftin' on by,
You know how I feel-
It's a new dawn,
It's a new day,
It's a new life,
For me-
And I'm feeling good...

Fish in the sea,
You know how I feel-
River running free,
You know how I feel-
Blossom in the tree,
You know how I feel-
It's a new dawn,
It's a new day,
It's a new life,
For me-
And I'm feeling good...

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know,
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean,
Sleep in peace when the day is done,
And this old world is a new world,
And a bold world,
For me...

Stars when you shine,
You know how I feel-
Scent of the pine,
You know how I feel-
Yeah freedom is mine,
And I know how I feel-
It's a new dawn,
It's a new day,
It's a new life,
For me...

And I'm feeling good.......

Tell me about it Nina....

Building a Mystery...

You're so beautiful,
With an edge and charm,
But so careful,
When I'm in your arms...

Give us a tantrum,
And a know it all grin,
Just when we need one,
When the evening's thin...

We're building a "mystery"...


A lifetime is so short. When we're children, we wish our lives away. We can't wait to be a "grown-up" so we don't have to go to school anymore. We want to be 16, so we can drive a car. Then when we turn 16, we want to be 21, so we can drink. Then, when we hit 25, we realize we had no idea what we were wishing away. Madrea Hicks didn't get that opportunity. As I sat in the middle of my bedroom floor, looking back at pictures and annuals, I came upon her obituary. A beautiful young woman, dead at age 17. A young life ended. Opportunities lost. Why? What caused Madrea to turn to drugs? What pain was so great that she had to kill it by getting a "quick fix"?

The vision of her in a casket haunts me to this day. I can still still see how perfect her hair was curled. Every hair in place. The beautiful red and white suit she had on. Madrea would've never worn that while she was living. A tie-dyed t-shirt and bell-bottom jeans were more her style. In her right hand, a strip of photos of her with Lindsey from a photo booth, in her left hand, a dollar bill. I was 15 years old, and had seen the life of a friend end. I knew how dangerous drugs were, but didn't think it could happen to anyone I knew. We never do. It can't happen to me. For some reason, we all, to a certain extent, think we're invincible. It takes a loss many times, for us to realize just how human we really are...

It's been twelve years now, and Madrea lies in an unmarked grave. I remember where she's buried, and leave flowers on the ground. I will never forget. I'm haunted by the memory of a young life lost. What would Madrea have been? What would she have done differently had she known that warm spring day in June, was her last? What wrongs would she have tried to make right? I don't know. Questions I'll never have answered.

Why do we take our lives for granted? Why do feel as if the next breath of air we take, WON'T be our last? We hurt those we love, we take for granted they'll always be there. They won't. We won't. I tell my friends and family I love them each and every time I hang up the phone. Before I leave, I hug them- tell them I love them. I didn't get the chance to tell Bobby Dean or Madrea- no one else will die, without knowing I loved them. Cigarettes: 21- Why do I even count?

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Do You Believe?

Would you rather have a few moments of something special, or a lifetime of nothing special? Would you rather have one true deep love, or a life with several passionate flings? Would you rather "steel" your heart against love, knowing you'll never be hurt again, or leave yourself open, believing true love conquers all? Do you believe we're destined to be with one certain person? Do we choose this person, or do they choose us? Do you believe we follow our dreams, or that our dreams follow us? Do you believe in fate, or is it just a man-made myth?

Those are some of the questions running through my head as I sat on my balcony this afternoon. I looked down into the busy streets of New York, wondering what the people were thinking as they passed by. When you watch people, you see everything. The streets of New York: The Theater of the Living... As I lit another cigarette, my mind wondered back to Bobby. I remembered his laughter and his smile. He made me feel so at ease. I felt a connection with him- a strong connection. I know he felt it too, I could tell when I looked into his eyes. Maybe he hadn't known before, but he knew Wednesday night there was something there. I could tell by the way he mouthed "I'm Sorry", he truly was. He didn't want to leave me that night. We "clicked". There's something holding him back. He has my phone number, and I know he knows where I live. He's one complex man, that's for sure, but then again, I'm a complex woman. He's got a past, one that haunts him- I could tell by the darkness in his eyes. I have a past too, but one I've overcome. Dammit Bobby... Where do you go when you're gone?

Saturday, October 22, 2005

The Legend... We Call "Morris"

Preciousness Defined...

Sparkling Seduction....

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it.
That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power!
The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism.

You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world.
Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in.
You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you?

You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways.
Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you.
As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

The Pieces Are Beginning To Fit..

The seed of a new relationship or spiritual journey - perhaps as yet unseen. An opportunity for joy, contentment, fertility, or enlightenment. Coming to understand the emotional needs of those around you. May represent an unexpected message, a chance meeting, or the start of a friendship or romance.

Worldly authority and power. Social mastery and oratory. One who is intelligent, experienced, confident and reasonable. A patriarch or primary male influence. The motive force of politics and society. The ability to fulfill plans and use mental control over the emotions.

Contradictory characteristics brought together as a means of resolving a conflict. Refusing to be ruled by negative emotions. Strife brought to a close through clarity of mind and restraint of force. Turning a blind eye to the minor infractions of others.


We've all had them. Some have come true, some- well, we're still waiting on. What drives us to continue? To keep the faith, when everything seems hopeless? The dreams of youth change on a regular basis. I wanted to be Wonder Woman, Miss America, and Wendy Richter. I had such an active imagination, I was someone "new" everyday. Who I wanted to be changed as quickly as I changed clothes. As I gained years of experience, my dreams changed. I held on to some, yet, others changed. I dreamt of dancing on Broadway- "bright lights, big city". I held onto my dreams, while trying to please everyone else. It was my father's dream for me to be a nurse. It was expected of me to be the perfect debutante. By the time I had gone through prelim, after prelim, the sparkling lights and crown that mesmerized me as a child, no longer held the luster it once had. Miss America. My former dream, now, my dreaded challenge. I could've won. I know I could have. I didn't want it. Not anymore... The two crowns I have, are now a painful reminder of a dream that was stripped of it's elegance.

My dreams have long since changed. I now dream of a family, a husband who loves me, a couple of children- "the white picket fence dream". It's a simple dream, the kind that comes true for most people. What changes us? What changes our dreams? Is it something greater than ourselves? Or forces and circumstances in our everyday lives that strip us of something magical? Is it a harsh dose of reality? Or perhaps, when we're so close to living our dream, we realize it wasn't what we really desired to begin with? The answer lies deep inside. Some will find it instantly- some may never know.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Love's Labor Lost....

A moving play by William Shakespeare. Maria was cast as "France- The Princess of France". She looked exquisite in her elaborately detailed costume. The Princess of France, a moral character in the center of the play. If you haven't seen this play, it's a must for every woman. Even in the 1600's, women knew how to turn the tables on men to get what they wanted. Maria pulled the part off with sheer perfection. I couldn't have been more proud of her. Acting in is tough- but in New York, it's murder. Only the best of the best survive. Maria's fighting her way to the top. We all came to New York with dreams. We wanted to get out of the "country" and see what the world was all about. When we came to New York, we got everything at once. Action, adventure, culture, drama- the bright lights and big city we'd dreamt about, was all within our grasp.

The first time I came to New York, I knew I was destined to live here. Even at age 16, I knew I'd call New York home. After the play, we went out to celebrate. Yep, you guessed it- "the bar". After the phone call incident, I wasn't even looking for Bobby. I just wanted to celebrate with my girls. We were WAY too dressed to be walking into a casual bar, but has that ever stopped us? Of course not. I guess I did feel a little out of place in a black v-neck sleeveless dress and black stiletto heels, but the more I thought about it, I honestly didn't care. The crude whistles and comments from the men were a little more than I'd bargined for, but that's what you get when you come in dressed like Marilyn Monroe. We had a few drinks, and even sang karaoke. "Righteous Love" by Joan Osborne. I had such a good time with the girls, it was just what I needed. Good friends, too often we take them for granted. How blessed I am to have Susan and Maria in my life.

"Faith is a mystery that rocks me for days and days and days..."

"I could be in the street,
I could be on a train,
Or struck in some doorway down,
In the pouring rain,
Now there is not one place,
That doesn't feel like home...."

It Did Me Good...

To hear Ebony's voice... She was one of my best friends back in Tennesee. We were the "Diva's of E-town". I haven't talked to her in nearly two years, and it was definitely time to catch up. Her daughter, Essence, turned four on September 17. How time flies. She was giving me the updates on all my friends- who's married, divorced, ect. She told me she ran into Shane on monday. He was asking about Susan. Shane was nothing but trouble from day one. He used Susan, and broke her heart. I'm so glad she came to New York with me, if she hadn't gotten away from him, I don't know what would've happened to her.

I had to tell her about Bobby. Ebony always had the best advice. She knows me all too well, and my choices in men. She was shocked to hear I'd been infatuated with a man I knew nothing about. She knew right then, he would be right for me. Unfortunately I couldn't tell her that much, only that we'd danced a few times, shared a few passing glances, and well... That's it- for now. He's a detective, so God only knows what he knows about me? Everything? Nothing? I guess only time will tell. She told me to bide my time, good things come to those who wait... It's the waiting part that's hell.

I've got to get myself together and get ready. Maria is performing tonight. I can't wait to see her, I know one day she'll make it big. Wish her luck- I mean, break a leg!

Wednesday Night....

For those of you who have been asking- here's how my night went. I walked in, dressed to kill, head held high, ready for anything. There he sat, watching every move I made as I walked to the bar. I smiled at him as I ordered a drink. He insisited it be put on his tab. I slowly sipped my Jack and Coke. I heard "These Arms Of Mine", begin to play. He asked me if I'd like to dance. This is what I'd been wating for- he didn't take his eyes off of me. As the music played, he held me close. I looked up into his eyes, and found the courage to tell him. I know nothing about him, not even his name. "Bobby".... "I'm a det..", he said, but was cut short but a phone call... He mouthed, I'm sorry- as he walked out of the bar. Damn, I worked so hard for a half a dance. A detective. At least I have a first name to put with a face- the face that's been haunting me for weeks now. Cigarettes: 27, this really isn't helping me quit. Now you know.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

It Tells A Story...

"Sitting like a princess perched in her electric chair..."

A feeling I know all too well....

I Don't Know How...

I managed to get myself out of the bed this morning... I looked like hell, but with a quick shower, I was off to work. I'm so thankful for this break. It's been another very difficult day. A young man was brought into the emergency room last night beaten badly, the apparent victim of a hate crime. He died this morning due to internal bleeding that couldn't be stopped. I had to leave after that. It hit too close to home, hurt too badly to face. His name was Bobby Dean, and he was our best friend. In 2001, Susan got a call from his father, telling her Bobby had died in his sleep in Asheville. Bullshit. Healthy twenty-four year old men just don't die in their sleep. At his funeral, it was apparent he had been beaten badly. Every finger had been broken, and his face, black and blue beneath the layers of badly applied funeral home makeup.

We didn't find out the truth of how Bobby died until after the funeral. His friend Chip, was the last person who had spoken with him. Bobby was in the wrong part of town, trying to pick up someone else's man. He called Chip in a panic, saying that a call full of men were chasing him. That's the last thing he said. Bobby's car was found abandonded the next morning, his wallet missing, and his treasured gold rings- gone. He died alone in Asheville. Where, we don't know? His parents, embarassed of his lifestyle, refused to push the issue, insisting he died in his sleep. A murderer walks free, and Bobby lies in a deep grave, a precious life cut short due to hate.

Why can't we just accept people for who they are? Why do we have to look at others who are different from us through the judgemental eyes? Compassion, love, forgivness, where is it today?

Time to go back... I only pray this young man's family will do the right thing, that she'll not let her son's death be in vain...

This has proven to me, everyone is in our lives for a reason. Each person leaves an imprint inside of us. Bobby was a dear friend, but only for a "season". He'll live in our hearts forever.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Ready or Not...

It's time to go... It's nearly 8:00pm, I've put on a final spritz of Addict and I'm out the door. Every hair in place, my skin- porcelain and flawless. My new outfit is stunning, classic and provocative. I only pray that tonight I'll see him. I've accepted the things that I cannot change- and am having faith that I'm going to be where I'm supposed to be, when I'm supposed to be there. I have to walk in alone tonight. I need him to know that I am independent. I can be alone. I need Maria's and Susan's support, but it's in my heart. Here I go- ready or not...


A day off, I've decided to make it a day of "pampering" just for me. I went to my favorite hair stylist this morning. I just got a trim, but it made me feel good to get to "gossip" a bit. You know, they've always said, the only therapist you need is a good hairdresser *winks*. After spending well over an hour chatting it up with Jimmy, I went to Saks. I decided it was time for a update on my makeup. After spending another good hour at the Chanel counter, I left a sad $400.00 in the hole, but feeling like a million bucks! I found a cute little outfit, a black halter top and black pants. Perfect. I'm ready. It's been three weeks to the day that I've met my "mystery" man. I looked, well, ok the first night. The second night, a little better- but tonight- I will see him, and I will take his breath away. The last stop, the nail salon. I've got to have perfect french tips, I want every detail covered. I called Maria and Susan, to make sure they would be ready tonight. Wish me luck- I'm gonna need it to stay sane....


Your Kissing Purity Score: 29% Pure

You're not one to kiss and tell...

But word is, you kiss pretty well.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

How About You?

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.

You give completely and unconditionally in relationships.

You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.


Sitting alone in my apartment tonight, I realized something. My "mystery man"- what is it that's making me cling to him? Being raised in the south, we learn at an early age how to open doors with just a smile. It's assumed that if you're beautiful and confident, you can have whomever you wish. I've lived my life under this false impression. I'm used to having who I want, when I want them. Getting a man has always been natural to me, as natural as my next breath of air. I'm not used to losing control- having someone else calling the shots. He's knocked me down a notch- brought me back to reality. I have no control over him or this situation. I know nothing, he knows everything. He's turned the tables on me. He controls me. He keeps me close enough to know what he needs, but distant enough to be "safe". He needs to be safe. I need to be safe. I keep his photograph and I know it serves me well. I've never wanted anything so much in my life, just a chance- a chance at something magical. Sparks flew that night, we both felt it... But now, he's taken my control, and I'm left with nothing. He's strong enough- he's strong enough to be my man. Cigarettes: 22, I've got to stop...

Another Typical Day....

I've been rotated out of the "TW", and am now working neo-natal. It's always a relief to work with the babies. So tiny and pure, they are innocence defined. So far, we've had six deliveries today. Four girls and two boys. Before lunch, I was able to feed the 9lbs 10oz boy. He's just a little butter-ball, and so good-natured. I've never seen a baby take a bottle as fast as he did, and wanted more! I feel really sorry for his mother, I have no idea how she's gonna keep this kid happy. As I looked down into his dark brown eyes, I realized how much I wanted one of my own. I want a family, a man who loves me more than anything, and a house-full of babies. The white picket fence dream- we've all had it at one point in time or another. I have to be patient, one day it will be my turn. Time to go back, I know there will be plenty of fussy babies with dirty diapers for me to tend to- think of me...

Monday, October 17, 2005


Yesterday, our homily during mass was on "forgiveness". We had a interim priest due to a family emergency with Father Harry. I had no idea what was in store for me. Mother Blanchard gave the most phenomenal homily I've ever had the honor to hear. She told the story of a book she'd once read to her son titled "The Hurt". It was about a young boy who's friend had hurt his feelings. He took the "hurt" and placed it in a box, instead of facing it. Because he didn't deal with the "hurt", it got bigger and bigger. Finally, the hurt was so big, he couldn't enter his room. His father sat him down and asked him, "Son, what is wrong?". The boy explained to him, that his friend had hurt his feelings. The father explained that people do things that hurt us often, however, we must forgive and move on in order to be complete. The boy told his friend he had hurt him, and forgave him of the "hurt". Each day, the boy noticed the "hurt" getting smaller and smaller- until one day, there was no more hurt.

Such a simple story. A story written for a child- that moved an adult into a uncontrollable sobbing mess. Mother Blanchard told us, that if someone has hurt us, or wronged us in any way, it's time- time to let it go. We cannot be whole until we've released our pain. I knew right then why I was so emotional. His name is Greg, and he hurt me badly.

Greg was a boy I had grown up with from an early age. He was seven years older than me, and like a "big brother". We were always very protective of each other. He had been adopted, and never knew his "birth family". His mother loved him deeply, he was her world. The only problem was, she loved the "bottle" too much. On a warm day in September, the Lord called her and my grandmother home. They died on the same day, in the same hospital. Greg had lost the one person who loved him most in this world. After his mother's death, his father became distant. Greg felt so alone. He moved in with my aunt, knowing there would be stability there. In June of the following year, he joined the Air Force.

I had always looked to Greg as a brother figure until that summer. I was only thirteen years old and very naive. Greg came home looking so handsome. We sat up for hours talking after my aunt went to sleep. Around 2:00am, he leaned over and kissed me. I was shocked- but excited. I had an "older man", wanting me. Sure, I'd had boyfriends, the kind you hold hands with and give a "pop" kiss to on the playground at recess, but I'd never been kissed like this. We made out all night long. I felt safe with him, secure. I knew he loved me, and what better person to share intimate moments with...

When he left, my heart was broken. Thank God, I had the good sense to keep my "purity", even though my halo was greatly tarnished for the things I'd done. We spoke on the phone a couple of times a week. The conversations always ended with the "you can never tell anyone" speech. The speech I resented. He was mine. We had a connection. Why couldn't I tell anyone about him? I was so angry.

When I was fifteen, he brought home a young woman named Aleasha. A woman, he'd asked to marry him. My heart stopped. Wait a minute- he's... he's mine- not hers!!! I was so angry. I had to carry the guilt inside of me that this was the first man I'd shared a deeper form of intimacy with... something a little further than kissing, but definitely not intercourse. I avoided him at all costs. Keeping busy with cheerleading camp and Civinettes. I was able to avoid him until the last night.

He came to my home and got me. We rode around for hours. I know I smoked a pack of cigarettes that night. I didn't know what to say to him. I just knew he was mine, and that I wasn't giving him up. It was nearly 3:00am, and I knew I wasn't going to let him go. He walked me down to his room, where I would sleeping. His fiancee' was sleeping in my bed. Talk about a slap in the face! He would be sleeping on the couch. As he led me in, he pinned me against the wall and kissed me. I knew right then, right then that he didn't love her. It was just like old times. He gave me false hope, then the "speech".

He married her. And divorced her in 1998. After I turned eighteen, nothing stopped him, not even his wedding vows. He was a messed up man, and up until that point, I was a child. I knew better, I should've known better. I was a thirteen year old child, with the body of an eighteen year old woman. I lived for years with the guilt and shame of never being able to tell anyone about the man who took my "innocence", yet by the grace of God, left me with my virginity. I had a very false idea of how relationships worked for many years.

All of my boyfriends were horrible choices. I only picked men who abused me emotionally. I had the warped idea in my head that I was only good for being used by men, while being sweet and beautiful for society. I was the epitome of every Southern Debutant on the outside, yet dying inside. At age twenty-one, I finally confronted Greg. I confronted him with all of the hurt, all of the pain, all of the guilt I felt for years because of our dysfunctional relationship. What I got in return was "I never used you Chloe', I always loved you, you know that". I carried that hurt with me until yesterday.

Yesterday, I had an Epiphany. The words Mother Blanchard spoke, freed me from the guilt, anguish and "hurt", I carried at the hands of Greg for so many years. I know now, even though we both made wrong choices- it's over. I've asked God for forgiveness, and the strength to forgive Greg for the hurt he's caused me. I'm letting it go. I'm letting him go. I will no longer carry the pain and guilt of being used by a man I trusted and loved more than life itself at such a tender age. Even at age thirteen, I knew love, and how it was supposed to feel- but wasn't mature enough to accept the consequences of my actions. It's true, sometimes love just isn't enough, especially when it's only one-sided. We all carry our own demons, we all have our cross to bear- but now, I know how to face mine, how to heal- and how to live. Living without regrets, I'm learning....

The next time I hear this song, I'll be free... It will no longer be the painful reminder of what was...

That's all I wanted
Something special, something secret in your eyes
For just one moment
To be bold and naked at your side

Sometimes I think that you'll never
Understand me
Maybe this time is forever
Say it can be

That's all you wanted
Something special, something secret in your life
Just for one moment
To be warm and naked at my side

Sometimes I think that you'll never
Understand me
But something tells me together
We'd be happy

I will be your father figure
(Oh baby)
Put your tiny hand in mine
(I'd love to)
I will be your preacher teacher
(Be your daddy)
Anything you have in mind
(It would make me)
I will be your father figure
(Very happy)
I have had enough of crime
(Please let me)
I will be the one who loves you
Until the end of time

That's all I wanted
But sometimes love can be mistaken
For a crime
That's all I wanted
Just to see my baby's blue eyed shine
This time I think that my lover
Understands me
If we have faith in each other
Then we can be strong

I will be your father figure
Put your tiny hand in mine
I will be your preacher teacher
Anything you have in mind
I will be your father figure
I have had enough of crime
I will be the one who loves you
Until the end of time

If you are the desert
I'll be the sea
If you ever hunger
Hunger for me
Whatever you ask for
That's what I'll be

So when you remember the ones who have lied
Who said that they cared
But then laughed as you cried
Beautiful darling
Don't think of me

Because all I ever wanted
It's in your eyes baby, baby
And love can't lie, no
(Greet me with the eyes of a child)
My love is always telling me so
(Heaven is a kiss and a smile)
Just hold on, hold on
I won't let you go my baby

I will be your father figure
Put your tiny hand in mine
I will be your preacher teacher
Anything you have in mind
I will be your father figure
I have had enough of crime
I will be the one who loves you
'Til the end of time

I will be your father
I will be your preacher
I will be your father
I will be the one who loves you
'Til the end of time

My Horoscope....

Admire those with a true sense of purpose -- they can help you find yours too.

If you've been craving stability -- and when aren't you -- you're about to have your fill. You'll have so much nice, earthy reassurance from the loved ones who count that you should probably start making plans to celebrate. Right now.

Is somebody trying to tell me something?

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Last Night....

We danced so close all night. The way he held me, I knew it was meant to be. I was exactly where I was supposed to be, when I was supposed to be there. We were brought together by something greater than ourselves. I knew when I looked up into his dark eyes, that I could live there forever. He leaned down to kiss me, I trembled as I felt his lips touch mine for the first time. I knew right there and there that something magical had begun, that he was exactly what I needed. As he caressed my face, he looked deep into my eyes and said "Chloe', you're.....".... And then, I woke up in a cold sweat. My heart- beating out of my chest, tears rolled down my cheeks, as I sat sobbing in the darkness. He's haunting my dreams. Why can I not let this man go? I can't get him out of my head, out of my memories. We've shared a few dances, exchanged looks, and made a connection deeper than some soul mates. I turned on the light and lit a cigarette. I needed something calm my nerves. I got up and walked around my apartment. As I sat down on the couch, I saw our pictures right in front of me. Haunting reminders are everywhere. "Dammit, who are you!!!", I screamed as I threw the pictures across the room- not able to face this.

I smoked the cigarette in a trance like state, my mind blank for the first time... I put the cigarette out and got up. I picked up the pictures and looked at him. I saw the way he looked down at me, as he held me safe in his arms. It was the look of a man who knew this is what he'd always wanted, but never had. It was a look of joy, yet a look of sheer terror. I know nothing about this man, absolutely- nothing, yet, I hang on every word he says. One day, maybe the truth will be revealed.

Saturday, October 15, 2005


Getting up this morning was difficult- but somehow I managed. I didn't get much sleep last night. I had a lot on my mind. I began thinking about life itself- what we can change, and what we can't. Are all our choices really half chance? Or do we conciously determine the fate of our lives? Did I really make the all the right choices in my life, or were they chosen for me? Did I really do the things I've done for my own good, or for the happiness of others? Many of my choices in life were made to please others. I've always felt the need to make others happy, to make their lives as comfortable as possible- and I've pushed myself back. I've delt with many losses in my life. The loss of my father. I was the "apple of his eye", his "baby". I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to be just like my sister. She was beautiful and perfect. She had it all together, and put forth no effort to make it that way. I've struggled and prayed to make my life what it is. Was it my choice to be who I am today? Or have the influence of others and divine intervention made me, me? I often wonder. I'm finally living for myself. I'm doing the things that make me happy. I'm helping others, and trying to make time for myself. I know the things that I want- but the question is, will I get them?


Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

We all begin with good intent
When love was raw and young
We believe that we can change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burden time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear

I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

Heaven bend to take my hand
With no where left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
That it's one missed step, one slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

I've messed up
Better I should know
Don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

Friday, October 14, 2005

Good Is Good...

Good is good and bad is bad,
You don't know which one you had,
She put your books out on the sidewalk,
Now they're blowing 'round,
They won't help you when you're down....

Love's on your list of things to do,
To bring your good luck back to you,
And if you think that everything's unfair,
Would you care if you're the last one standing there?

And everytime you hear the rolling thunder,
You turn around before the lightning strikes,
And does it ever make you stop and wonder,
If all your good times pass you by...

I don't hold no mystery,
But I can show you how to turn the key,
'Cause all I know is where I started,
So downhearted,
And that's not where you want to be...

And everytime you hear the rolling thunder,
You turn around before the lightning strikes,
And you could find a rock to crawl right under,
If all your good times pass you by,

When the day is done,
And the world is sleeping,
And the moon is on it's way to rise,
When your friends are gone,
You thought were so worth keeping,
You feel you don't belong,
And you don't know why....

And everytime you hear the rolling thunder,
You turn around before the lightning strikes,
And does it ever make you stop and wonder,
If all your good times pass you by...

When the day is done,
And the world is sleeping,
And the moon is on it's way to rise,
When your friends are gone,
You thought were so worth keeping,
You feel you don't belong,
Neither do I....

That says it all...

Once Again....

It's back to work... Thank God, I'm on 7am to 7pm now. So far, that's the only good news today has brought me. As I'm clocking in, and preparing to make my rounds, I'm confronted by the head nurse. She's requested a conference with me and the resident "shrink". Yep, I've been reported. Someone saw me crying on during my break on monday and felt as if I "might not be able to handle the high-stress situations we're faced with on the TF". I can handle it. I've handled it for nearly six years now. Why do think the nurses are rotated out of the wing each week or bi-weekly? We're human. We feel pain. We feel sorrow. We grieve, just like everyone else. Yes, I was close to Ms. Hodges. It did hurt when she died. Yes, I did grieve for her, but I'm ok. I'm here. I've not negelcted a single patient, not now, not ever. I'm a good nurse. Sharon knows that. Damn, I hate the "let's talk about our feelings", speech we get when our time in the TW is up. It's part of being a nurse I guess. I know I shouldn't have shown emotion around the hospital, but we all have our moments. Somethings things get the better of us, and that just happened to be one of those times.

Tonight- is definitely an "emergency" girls night out. I can't believe I'm hitting the bar twice in one week. I've never been much for the bar scene, but tonight, it's just fitting- especially when all you have to look forward to at home are four lonely walls and a spoiled cat. I want to celebrate life, the life I have. I don't want to dwell on work, or psychologists, or death, or anything- I just want to have some light-hearted fun. Maria's definitely up for it. Wish me luck, I'm gonna need it!

Thursday, October 13, 2005


As I sit in my looking out my window into the New York night, I remember why it is I came here. I had a dream. Sure, we all have dreams. I just knew mine would come true. I wanted to dance on Broadway. I wanted to sing and dance under the bright lights. I yearned to act, to be someone else, even if for only a short time. Today, I did. Well, I didn't dance on Broadway, but I did dance- right in the middle of Central Park. There was an eccentric man sitting on a park bench listening to his radio at an ear piercing level. I went and sat down beside of him, and asked him to put in a tape I had in my purse. What possessed me to do a thing like this, I couldn't tell you? Maybe I've lost my mind. I had to dance, I felt it, deep in my soul. He put the tape in for me, and I began to dance. I recited the entire final dance from "Flashdance", right in the middle of Central Park. I didn't care who saw, or even if anyone cared. I felt it. I had to do it- and I did. I felt the music. I didn't pay attention to the fact that I had gathered a crowd. As the song ended and I raised my head, it was then, I realized people were clapping- and for me.

I must admit, at that time, my face did turn a bright shade of red. I thanked the strange man, and took my old tape. I've carried that tape with me for years, as a reminder to never give up on your dreams. I walked down the street with my head held high. I performed in New York City. I did it. I decided to live, to live my dreams, even if they weren't the way I'd imagined them. What's next? I haven't a clue- I just know dealing with death and despair day in and day out- you have to have an outlet to keep you semi-sane. I use the term "semi" because I know I'll never fully have it together. If I did "have it all together", then I wouldn't be Chloe' Gardener... Love me, or hate me, I am who I am.

People come to New York to escape, to live- and living, I am.

“ Work like you don’t need the money, love like you’ve never been hurt, and dance like no one is watching.”
--- Satchel Paige

Such deep, true words... Words I live by..

The Past...

This pretty much sums up my past relationships...

I'll stay away
Don't have to face this
It's my mistake
And no one's business

I am trying not to want to hurt him
Trying not to start this up again

He's in my way
And no surprises
It's been a day
Somehow survived it

Still I am trying not to want to hurt him
Trying not to start this up again

It's the last thing that I need right now
Someone to bring me down
And I've got a rule that I've made up now he moved out
No way, no boys allowed
And there's a reason why I keep my distance
Don't think you're gonna understand
This is the last thing that I need right now

No need to stay
My choice, I made it
I keep away
Don't have to take it

'Cause I'm trying not to want to hurt him
Trying not to start this up again

Don't need a boyfriend
Not one like him
Don't wanna be the foolish girl I was
And end up worse again
You can say it's from me
I'll be keeping away
Don't wanna be the same foolish girl again

I'll stay away
Don't have to face this
It's my mistake
And no one's business

I am trying not to want to hurt him
Trying not to start this up again....

It won't be that way, not this time- not ever again...

Life- As I Know It....

For a long time, I thought I knew what I wanted. When I moved to New York three years ago, I decided to leave behind all of the things that I thought were bringing me down. Perfection. I was expected to be perfect in every way. Beautiful. Beauty was something that was a given in my family. I was expected to follow in the footsteps of my older sister, Savannah. With grace and dignity, I put on my best smile, and paid for college- courtesy of MAO. I have always had a heart full of love and compassion, that's what lead me into the nursing field. I felt as if I could save the world. Ah, the dreams of our youth. I remember feeling as if I didn't need anyone. I could make it on my own- and I have. I've made it. I have a successful carrer, great friends, a loving family, but... there's something missing. Oh sure, I've dated. I've dated men from all walks of life, but have never made a connection- a deep connection. Most men I've met, can't handle a strong woman. A woman who knows who she is, and what she wants out of her life. I've tried to put the loneliness out of my head. I've tried to pretend that what I have is enough... No matter how hard I try to deny it, I'm lonely... and I'm tired.. I wish I could reach out to him, I know when he looks in my eyes he sees my soul. I see his pain, his fear, I see him- I know him. I do recall the moment he ruined me for other men. He's kept his distance from me, I don't know why- there's another mystery I can't explain...

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

What Does Yours Say About You?

Mysterious. Provocative. Sensuous. Coco Chanel is built on a major amber-y chord, adorned with flowers, warmed with wood and leather. Inspired by the enduring spirit of Chanel, a woman who gleefully encouraged the linking of opposites, the fragrance is rich with paradoxes, reflecting an exciting woman who is many things but never the same.

An oriental perfume with with floral accents revealing a unique and sophisticated sensuality. Dior Addict expresses assumed femininity and show off seduction. The experience of Dior Addict- Attitude: intense energy.

The now and forever fragrance. Worldly. Sophisticated. Surprisingly sexy. N°5 is Coco Chanel's legendary vision of "a woman's fragrance that smells like Woman."

Mahora Perfume for Women by Guerlain launched in 2000, It is classified as a luxurious, oriental, floral fragrance. Mahora by Guerlain is feminine scent that possesses a blend of an exotic blend of flowers, with low notes of vetiver, sandalwood and vanilla. Mahora by Guerlain is recommended for romantic wear.

It's funny how what we wear says so much about our unique, individual characteristics....


This week has sent me through a whirlwind of emotions. Happiness, sadness, anger, anxiety and hope. I've kept the faith... I knew something good would come of it. I knew it- Patience + Faith = Destiny....

My Night...

Well, what I remember of it- After taking an obscene amout of time to get ready, we headed for the bar- Yep, you guessed it- the bar-- where I met.... Anyway, we walked in and scanned the scene. No signs of my "mystery man". I had a feeling I wouldn't see him, however I decided not to let it bring me down. I went to the bar, and ordered a Jack and Coke. Not wise for a woman with a very low tolerence to alcohol. I drank it way too fast and ordered another. After a few hours of listening to my wild friends hitting on random men and bad singing coming from the drunk patrons who'd finally had enough liquid courage to sing, I was really beginning to feel the effects of the alcohol and figured it might be time for me to call it a night. As I was headed to get Maria, the DJ, announced that they had a request for a "Chloe' Gardner". They wanted to hear me sing, "Poison Apples (Hallelujia)". Damn, I was almost wasted, but knew I could sing it. Maria and Susan pushed me up onto the stage. I figured what the hell, after all, it is one of my favorite songs- and you can NEVER go wrong with Joan Osborne. I asked who requested the song- and they showed me a slip of paper with my name and the song scribbled on it. It wasn't handwriting that I had seen before- but ok. I'm game tonight.

As the music began, I sang...

Your memory comes back to me
to stangle me with its sweet taste
See God would never be so cruel
to make me live without your face
Now that I have made you crawl
It does you good to see me fall
Like poison apples from the tree
as heavy as a honey bee

I gave you away so easily
It makes me wonder why

Moving through you every night
The lovely girls in dressed tight
The angels dancing on a pin
The people we are downing in
Like a needle going in
Into the shining city skin
Oh I recall the moment when you ruined me for other men

I gave you away so easily
It makes me wonder why

and as I got to the final lyrics of the song, I saw him... I looked straight into his eyes, and finished...

If I die before you do
believe me I'll be haunting you
I'll come upon you while you sleep
to drown you in a kiss
So deep....

What happened from there? Well... You'll have to ask him about that....

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

These Arms of Mine....

These arms of mine
They are lonely, lonely and feeling blue
These arms of mine
They are yearning, yearning from wanting you

And if you would let them hold you
Oh, how grateful I will be

These arms of mine
They are burning, burning from wanting you
These arms of mine
They are wanting, wanting to hold you

And if you would let them hold you
Oh, how grateful I will be
Come on, come on baby
Just be my man, just be my lover, oh

I need me somebody, somebody to treat me right, oh
I need your loving arms to hold me tight
And I...I...I need...I need your...I need your tender lips
To kiss me tonight...

Another wonderful melody courtesy of Joan- It's a MUST listen to-


I've been asked by a few people some of my favorite things... So here you go :0)

Favorite Perfumes: Addict- Dior, Coco- Chanel, Chanel No. 5- Chanel, and Mahora-Guerlain ... I'm a perfume addict! I have tons, but those are my top picks.

Favorite Songs- "These Arms of Mine"- Joan Osbourne, "Just One Look"- Doris Troy, "Breathing"- Lifehouse, "I Go Crazy"- Paul Davis, "Jackie Blue"- Ozark Mountain Daredevils, "Coming Aroung Again"- Carly Simon, "Why"- Annie Lennox, "Crazy Baby" and "Poison Apples"- Joan Osbourne, "Angel"- Sarah McLaughlin, "Criminal"- Fiona Apple- Those are just a few of many.

What I Look For In A Man- Honesty, Sincerity, Mystery, Passion, Ambition, and Devotion...

If you have more questions, please feel free to ask- and thanks to all for their e-mails and comments *S*


After a trying week at work, it's finally over. I'm off for the next few days and had planned on going out with friends to enjoy myself and relieve some stress. I called my friends Susan and Maria for "girls night out". I'm so excited. I've seen death, depression and despair all week long, and it's time for some light-hearted fun. Susan and Maria are nearly beating my door down, by the time I'm able to find my robe. Running to the door with my hair in a towel, I let them in. "Surprise!!!" They screamed in unison, handing me an envelope. Opening it, I have to sit down. "We thought you'd be happy"- they said, seeing the look of uncertainity on my face. It was pictures Maria had taken with her phone from the bar on wednesday night. There were four pictures of me and my "mystery" man. One of us laughing while we're sharing a beer, and three of us dancing. The one that got to me the most, was the one where he and I were dancing close. My eyes were closed and my head layed on his chest. To look at us, you would've thought we had been together for years- not a matter of minutes. I quickly pull myself back together, realizing that what's meant to be, will be- I cannot change that..

I thanked them for the pictures, giving them both a hug. They're so precious to me. I'm so blessed to have such good friends who love and care for me. They only want the best for me, and well- let's say they know my track record with men. We've ALL picked a few "winners" in our day- But this one, we all had a good feeling about "him". He wasn't the type of man you would pick up in a bar. Well, then again, I'm not the type of woman you'd pick up in a bar either. Back to reality- it's time to get ready. These wild women just won't wait- I wonder what trouble they'll get me into tonight? It's always that way- the reasonable, sensible one is always out-voted!

Crazy Baby....

And your hands are really shakin' somethin' awful
As you light your twenty-seventh cigarette
Oh, how long have you been sittin' in the darkness
You forget...

Oh, you know you're gettin' really hard to be with
And you're cryin' every time you turn around
And you wonder why you cannot pick your head up
Off the ground...

Oh, my crazy baby
Try to hold on tight
Oh, my crazy baby
Don't put out the light...
The light, the light, the light

And they look at you like they don't speak your language
And you're living at the bottom of a well
And you've swallowed all the awful bloody secrets
But you can't tell...

Oh, you know you ought to get yourself together
But you cannot bear to walk outside your door
No, you cannot bear to look into the mirror

Oh, my crazy baby
Try to hold on tight
Oh, my crazy baby
Don't put out the light...
The light, the light, the light

And your hands are really shakin' somethin' awful
As your worries climb around inside your clothes
Oh, how long will you be sittin' in the darkness
Heaven knows...

Oh, my crazy baby
Try to hold on tight
Oh, my crazy baby
Don't put out the light...
The light, the light, the light
The light...

How true.... As you can tell by now, music really speaks to me- and Joan Osbourne, she understands...


Another difficult night. I've finally gotten a break. Being on the "terminal" floor, reminds me that just when you think you can't take anymore- you do, and you survive. Seeing death day in and day out reminds you of your own mortality and just how precious each day is. Life was meant to be lived. We weren't meant to just survive. We weren't meant to be numb, to live without feeling. Even though each morning when I arrive home, I cry until I there are no tears left, I'm thankful. I'm thankful for a heart full of love and compassion. I'm thankful that I made a difference in these people's lives, if only for a day. I'm thankful that I'm able to get out of my bed, to live, laugh and love. I'm thankful to be who I am, and be able to share my heart with the world. Time to go back, think of me-

Monday, October 10, 2005


It's so good to see the sun rising- knowing today is a new day, and I'm heading home. It was a trying night, and I'm exausted. I'm glad we're rotated out of the "terminal wing" on a weekly basis. I've often heard it takes a special person to be a nurse. I never really thought of myself as a person with any extraordinary gifts. I held the hand of a dear patient last night as she passed. "Thelma", was a precious woman. She often told me stories of how she loved to dance when she was younger, and how I reminded her of herself at my age. I would make a special trip to the third floor at least once a week to check on her. I allowed myself to get close to a patient, which is something I should never do. It hurts too badly when you lose them. It's always in the back of your mind, could I have done something more to help her? To help them all? My eyes are tired and swollen. I'm out of cigarettes- I need to quit anyway. Addiction, it's a strange thing? Even the strongest of us, have a weakness. We all pick our vices I suppose. Time for bed, another long night awaits me....

Sunday, October 09, 2005


It's such a beautiful day.... I had some extra time on my hands and decided to take a walk through Central Park. I couldn't help but smile as I saw a little girl who just couldn't tear herself away from a stranger's poodle. There were tons of families out today. I don't blame them. After Mass, I often feel the need to be out and about. I went and sat on my favorite bench, watching the people go by. You find out so much about your surrounding area by watching the people. I saw happiness, sadness, fear, anxiety, love, hate and something in between within a matter of minutes. I know I have to keep my spirits up, I'll be working graveyard tonight, on the hardest floor. I have to smile and reassure these people, that everything will be ok, knowing it's only a matter of time before they're gone. I keep telling myself, it's all part of God's plan, it's just so hard sometimes to accept. Especially with the children, why the children?

I had to put my head down for a moment, to wipe my eyes. I'm already emotional and I haven't even begun to work. As I'm getting up, I look off in the distance. I see a tall, handsome man, wearing a distinguished suit watching me. His eyes didn't miss anything. You could tell, he could give you any detail, about anything. I look into his eyes, and immediately, I know him- I... I'm speechless, frozen. I can't move. I remember that look, that gaze, the one that haunts me when I allow myself to think of him. I close my eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath... I open my eyes, and he's gone. Where, did he go? How could he have disappeared that fast? Was I dreaming again? I hope not, but once again- only time will tell.


I'm finding my way back to sanity again,
Though I don't really know what I'm gonna do when I get there,
I take a breath and hold on tight,
Spin around one more time,
And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace.

'Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying,
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight,
That's alright, alright with me,
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside Heaven's door,
And listen to you breathing,
It's where I wanna be, yeah
Where I wanna be.

I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth,
And I'm trying to identify the voices in my head,
God which one's you-
Let me feel one more time what if feels like to feel,
And break these caluses off me one more time.

'Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying,
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight,
That's alright, alright with me,
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside of your door,
And listen to you breathing,
It's where I wanna be, yeah

Oh I don't want a thing from you,
Bet you're tired of me waiting for,
The scraps to fall off of your table to the ground,
'Cause i just wanna be here now.

'Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying,
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight,
That's alright, alright with me,
Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door,
And listen to you breathing, it's where I wanna be, yeah
Where I wanna be.

'Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying,
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight,
That's alright, alright with me,
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside Heaven's door,
And listen to you breathing,
Its where I wanna be, yeah
Where I wanna be....

Aren't the words to this song so true? Maybe Lifehouse knows something I don't?

Saturday, October 08, 2005


On my days off, I like to sit on window ceil and watch the hurried masses as they try to avoid the falling New York rain... The adults covering their heads with their umbrellas and newspapers. Rain tends to bring out the worst in everyone on the streets- they'd sell their own mother for a cab. The children don't seem to mind though, they enjoy the simplicity of the falling water. They see it for what it is- renewal. Rain washes away all that is old and brings forth newness of life. Days like this are hard for me... I wish I had someone to hold, to hold me- to hold my hand as we walked in the rain... Cigarettes- 24, damn, I've got to quit...

Only The Beginning...

It's only the beginning for this tiny bundle of joy I held in my hands this afternoon. Working in the neo-natal unit has it's perks. I love sitting in the rocking chair in the nursery, holding and feeding the precious newborns. A tiny baby girl was found in an abandoned building this morning. She was brought to us only a few hours after her birth. The tiny caucasian baby weighed only five pounds, and was eighteen inches long. Her little eyes are big and brown, and so beautiful. As I rocked her, I couldn't imagine how someone could give up such a treasure. The most perfect creation, a life. I cradled her closer, wanting her to know she was loved, even if only for the moment that she was in my arms. If I had been the one to find her, I don't know that I would've turned her in. After holding her, I could never have given her up. I know it's only a matter of time before she becomes a ward to the state. My heart breaks seeing this- I love children, and would love to have one of my own. I have to wait patiently for my turn- more importantly for the man to love me, and care for me- to be the father of my children.

Damn phone- it always interrupts my thoughts- although tonight, it was a blessing. Well, until I realized that there was no one there. They didn't hang up, they just listened as I said "Hello" over and over. I was the first to hang up. I haven't gotten one of those calls in sometime. I suppose I should invest in caller id- do you think?

Friday, October 07, 2005

This Much...

Creative love rebuilds again...

And please remember that I committed long ago
Not just my body, but my mind and yes my soul
And though you've sinned, I'll never let you go...

So true and pure are these words, were they spoken in a dream or from the heart? Are they but a fantasy or have they crossed the line... The line that we dare not speak of? Only time will tell...


It's something I will ALWAYS keep... while I ponder and dream....

Hello, It's Me...

"You know that I'd be there if I could"... Ahhhhhhhh, the song. It's at the time of night, I listen to slow sappy music and feel sorry for myself. The song "Hello, It's Me, by Todd Rundgren is playing on the radio, and I'm thinking back to my "mystery man" from tuesday night. As I brush my long red hair, I take a good hard look in the mirror. I'm not getting any younger. I'm pushing thirty and am soon going to be an old maid. Putting on a spritz of Dior Addict, I put on my comfy cotton gown. Something good will happen to me. I know it will. I can't lose faith- and maybe another trip to the bar sometime wouldn't hurt... If only I knew something...

Thursday, October 06, 2005


Another long day in triage. It's beginning to take it's toll on me. Non-stop anguish. I've seen four gunshot vicitms, a young man who was "de-gloved", a young woman who's baby was a still-born, and two heart-attacks, and this was all before lunch. It's so hard putting on a smile and re-assuring my patients that everything will be ok, when deep down inside I know it won't. I know I have to remain strong, to be a symbol of strength in their time of need- but we all have our breaking point.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Not a Typical Night...

Was it just a dream? After a long twelve hour shift at the hosptial, it was decided that "girls night out" was mandatory. After a day of complicated deliveries on the third floor, and an ER that never stops, we had to get away, just escape for a night. I didn't put a lot of effort into my appearance this evening. I pulled my long red hair into a ponytail, touched my make-up slightly, and changed clothes. I didn't figure my pink scrubs would be much of "man magnet". A red v-neck shirt and a pair of black pants would work nicely. The "girls" picked a bar we'd never been to before, it was only a few blocks from Amy's apartment, and she swore a good time would be had by all.

Little did I know, it would be a night to remember. As we walk in, I immediately feel comfortable. The atmosphere was so relaxed, on the make-shift stage in the back, people were laughing while singing karaoke. I walked over to the bar to get a beer. As I was standing there a very drunk woman falls into me, pushing me completely onto a man's lap. My face turned as red as my shirt. I looked up into his dark eyes only for a moment. I was so embarassed, and could tell he was as well. By his manerisms, I could tell being in a bar was uncomfortable at best. I tried to lighten up the moment by telling him at least I fell in the lap of a strong man instead of another woman. I got a small grin from him. I'd never seen him before, but in an instant, it was as if I felt I need to know him. I asked him to dance. A bold move for me. I could tell as he rose that he was a cautious man. As the song "Sometimes you can't make it on your own" by U2 played, he held me protectively, yet cautiously. I could tell by the way his hands trembled when he touched me, that he ached to hold a woman, but was too emotionally distant to do so. We shared a few dances that evening, and he took my number. As I left the bar, I looked over my shoulder, smiling once more.

All of my friends were excited, wanting to know all about this mysterious man I spent the entire evening entertaining. I stopped dead in my tracks, I realized, I knew nothing about him, not even his name. He controlled every word that came from my mouth. I told him everything, and he told me nothing. I trusted him completely, told him where I worked, worshiped and lived. I told him about how I enjoy simple things in life, such as laughter, smiles and warmth- and I know nothing about him- nothing. Who is this man? And why cannot I not stop thinking of him.. Was I in the right place in the wrong time? I suppose only time will tell...


  • Not A Typical Night...
  • Life- As I Know It...
  • Last Night...
  • Tonight...
  • Wednesday Night...
  • Run Baby Run...
  • I Can't Believe It...
  • Now That I'm Relatively Calm...
  • One Beautiful Sunday...
  • Dreams Do Come True...
  • Most Wonderful Night...
  • Most Magical Night Of My Life...
  • What Were The Chances...
  • Time Heals All Wounds...
  • Sparkling Sangria...

  • MySpace Icon Collage

  • The Pirate King...
  • Mikey's Subway Chick...
  • Olivia AKA: Elliot's Woman...
  • Elliot Stabler...
  • The Woman Who Has To Deal With Mike...
  • Support From Day One...
  • Paranoid Detective...
  • My Aunt Is Not As Old As This Man...
  • A Dear, Precious Friend...
  • Life...As I Know It...
  • My Penguin Pal...
  • Displaced New Yorker...
  • Amy...
  • Janice...
  • Deb...
  • Faye...
  • Jules...
  • Hannala...
  • A Year In The Life Of...
  • Let Me Go On And On...
  • Inspiration Comes Easy...
  • Kara's Place...
  • Nights in Rodanthe...
  • Malcolm's Page...
  • Castle Shima...
  • Agape...
  • Betty On The Beach...
  • Sunshine Lipstick...
  • Go With The Flow...
  • Slackers With Advanced Degrees...
  • Hollow...
  • The Wildest Woman I Know...
  • Nice Guys Finish Last...
  • Musings & Mad Ramblings...
  • Another Very Dark Place...
  • Laura Elizabeth...
  • Suzanne...
  • Lorrie...
  • Tess...
  • Never Forget...
  • In Memory...