The Breathless Fantasy...

There's A Fine Line Between Fantasy And Reality... I'm Dancing On That Line

My Photo
Location: New York, The Big Apple, United States

My heart guides me, but my mind always finds me..... "I could be in the street, I could be on a train, Or struck in some doorway down, In the pouring rain, Now there is not one place, That doesn't feel like home...."

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

It Made Her Day...

It was back to work today. I'd really missed "Emma" and all of my patients. I've grown attached to them, and worry when I'm not there with them. "Emma" was estates when I told her Bobby had asked me to the dance. She began crying tears of joy, saying she's prayed so hard for Bobby to find a nice girl, and when she met me- she knew I was the one. I gave her a big hug and thanked her. I'm not putting the cart before the horse. I don't know what will happen with Bobby. We could live happily ever after, and then again, we may never be more than friends. It's out of my hands. I know what I want, but ultimately, it's his decision. Regardless, I'm happy to know that our date for the dance has brought joy to his mother's life. She deserves to be happy.

Even "Ted" showed some signs of improvement. He responded to me today when I walked in his room. He didn't speak, but he did point to the newspaper on the table. I sat down and read to him. He acted as if he understood every work. A small step, but major progress in my book. Things are really looking up.

I've got a busy weekend ahead of me. Maria will be performing on friday night. I've stopped by rehearsal a couple of nights, and she is spectacular! I can only imagine how great the play itself will be when performed in it's entirety. Saturday I have to do more work at the church for our children's Christmas tree, all while juggling my regular work schedule! I'll be exhausted, but then again, that's nothing new.

I've got to decide on a dress soon. I'm really thinking the red one will be my ultimate choice. Classy, yet provocative. Although Bobby's friend Mike seems to think it's not low cut enough. Thank goodness he didn't ask me to the dance, I'd probably have to carry some mace with me for protection! (Sorry Mike, I couldn't resist that one). Luckily, his date can hold her own, so he's got his work cut out for him.

In Light Of...

Answer six on my "tagged questions", I thought this little film is appropriate!

I Was Slapped By A Penguin...

Ok, just kidding- Amey "tagged" me. It's time for me to lighten up a little anyway! :0)

Here goes:

5 faults:
1)I have extremely high standards
2)I smoke too much
3)I have a hard time saying no to friends
4)I sleep too much *when I can sleep*
5)I'm vain

10 Facts:
1)I love my family and friends
2)My cat is the center of my universe
3)I'm an awesome mother to my three hermit crabs
4)I've come a long way!
5)I piereced my nose myself
6)I'm a virgin
7)I love making others happy
8)I love my job
9)Mean people suck
10)I'm not a morning person

I think nearly everyone has been tagged- so if you haven't *smacks the shit out of you* You're it! :0)

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

What To Wear?

After my exciting invite- I hit the town in search of the perfect gown for the evening. Here are the three I've narrowed it down to- The exciting red dress I was "spotted" in, a sexy white dress, and a pale green ball gown. I just couldn't decide between the three! What do you think?

Dreams Do Come True...

I absolutely cannot believe it. I'm still in shock! I've been a complete sloth this morning. Lazy, haven't checked messages, caller ID, nothing. I finally got motivated to see if Maria had called to let me know when her rehearsal is this evening. She hadn't called. Hmmmmmm. Ok. Susan hadn't called either. There were three calls from a number I didn't know. I called it back, figuring they had the wrong number anyway. My heart nearly stopped when I heard the voice on the other line. It was Bobby. I didn't know what to say! Of all people, that was the LAST person I expected to be on the other line.

I know he could tell I was confused by the tone of my voice, but I tried really hard to play it so cool. I apologized for missing his calls, and was just now getting around to returning them. Talk about quick thinking and smooth. Less than a minute ago I had no idea who I would be speaking with! What came next, was even more shocking...

I just knew he was calling in regards to his mother. Wanting to ask a question, favor- something. I just knew that it was about "Emma". Thank God I was sitting down, because if I hadn't been, I would've fallen over. He called to invite me to the Ball/Party/Dance- whatever it is, he wants ME to be HIS date! I honestly think I stopped breathing. I don't know how long I paused. I was paralyzed for a moment. This could not be happening. I kept waiting to wake up, and realize that it was nothing but a dream. No, reality- he was on the phone with me, and asking me to be his date! I gladly accepted. December 14th, what a magical night that's going to be!

As soon as I got off the phone with him, I called Susan and Maria IMMEDIATELY!!! Dress shopping is a MUST!!! I'm thinking about the red dress I tried on with Susan, but there are so many options. It's like a dream come true! I can't believe it! I feel just like Cinderella!

So Much Fun!

Yankee or Dixie?

Take this quiz and find out?

What are you?

I'm 97% (Dixie). Is General Lee your grandfather?

Monday, November 28, 2005

For Susan and Maria...

Where you've been, where you are now... and just plain bizarre!

And Morris- how could I resist?

I love you girls- you're my rock- I'm so proud of you both, for who you are, and all you've done....

Tell Him...

I've had so much support lately from everyone in my saga with Bobby. I've come such a long way since the first night I met him two months ago. I've struggled with my feelings and have been so careful to keep them in check. I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize the newly formed friendship I have with him. My friends keep telling me to go for it- but I'm scared. I know what I want, but I also know that he's a complex man, one not easy to read. I received these lyrics last night from a dear friend- words of encouragement to a woman who's unsure of what to do. Thanks for your support.

"I'm scared
So afraid to show I care
Will he think me weak
If I tremble when I speak
Oooh - what if
There's another one he's thinking of
Maybe he's in love
I'd feel like a fool
Life can be so cruel
I don't know what to do

I've been there
With my heart out in my hand
But what you must understand
You can't let the chance
To love him pass you by

Should I

Tell him
Tell him that the sun and moon
Rise in his eyes
Reach out to him
And whisper
Tender words so soft and sweet
Hold him close to feel his heart beat
Love will be the gift you give yourself

Touch him
With the gentleness you feel inside
Your love can't be denied
The truth will set you free
You'll have what's mean to be
All in time you'll see

I love him
Of that much I can be sure
I don't think I could endure
If I let him walk away
When I have so much to say

Love is light that surely glows
In the hearts of those who know
It's a steady flame that grows
Feed the fire
With all the passion you can show
Tonight love will assume it's place
This memory time cannot erase
Blind faith will lead love where it has to go

Never let him go..."

Sunday, November 27, 2005

One Beautiful Sunday...

My time at work seemed to fly today. It wasn't really different from any other day, it just seemed to go by much faster. As usual on sunday, I had to help "Emma" fix her hair and put some lipstick on- she likes looking pretty when Bobby comes to visit her on sundays. It reminds her of when her boys were younger, and she took them to mass. She always had her hair fixed perfectly, and the final touch, being her light pink lipstick. She's a modest woman, so anything darker would be "sinful". I'm glad to help her get ready. Keeping the good memories alive is important to her, and to me. Bobby came just as he does every sunday with flowers and "goodies". He looked a little better today, but I could tell he still wasn't doing well. I almost missed him. He typically comes earlier in the morning/afternoon. Today, it was almost 2:00pm by the time he arrived.

My shift ended at 3:00pm. I checked in with "Emma" one last time before leaving. Bobby was on his way out as well. He just looked as if he needed someone to talk to and didn't need to be alone. I walked out with him, suggesting we get a cup of coffee. Don't get the wrong idea- it's only a friendly cup of coffee. I suggested we go to the Carmel Diner, a cute little 24 hour "mom and pop" stop. Comfortable and cozy- which is what Bobby looked like he needed. He seemed grateful to not be heading home. We sat and talked for nearly 3 hours. I don't think I've ever had so much fun drinking coffee!

Bobby is an amazing person. Not at all what one would expect just by looking at him. He is absolutely brilliant. So intelligent and insightful, yet full of compassion. He can relate to almost anyone in any situation. He's held a lot of things inside. I can tell he doesn't like people knowing more about him than he wants them to know. I hit on a few "sore spots", and I knew it immediately. I know he knows I would never intentionally do anything to upset him. If I hadn't known he was a detective before, I sure would've figured that out today. It was amazing the things he pulled out of me without me even realizing what he was doing. By the time we left, the man practically knew my entire life's history!

He thanked me for inviting him. I could tell he truly did need it, and was greatly appreciative for the "escape" time. Hopefully, he was able to leave behind whatever is bothering him for a few hours. I really enjoy his company. I'm glad we finally got the opportunity to really talk to one another.

Maria and Susan are coming over in a few minutes- they can't wait to hear all about it. Unfortunately, I believe they're going to be sadly disappointed, but I'm not. To everything there is a time and a reason- and it's all unfolding for me.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Better... Yet Worried

Today was a little better for me. Finally, sleep came last night, enough to get me through the day. Bobby's been to Carmel Ridge quite a bit the past couple of weeks. He looked bad today. His eyes were heavy, and his face troubled. "Emma" could even sense his anguish. We both put up the grand facade in front of her, knowing she has to believe we're happy and ok no matter what. I took him aside before he left, asking him to step outside and having a cigarette with me before leaving.

I told him I'd had a really hard week, and it looked as if he had as well. He stood silent, looking at me, the look was understood. He and I are so much alike, in so many ways. Sometimes it kills me that he doesn't see that. I took his hand for a brief moment, telling I'm here if he ever needs someone to talk to- about anything. Everyone needs someone. The strongest of us have our weak moments. We all need someone to catch us when we fall. I smiled at him as he left. It was the first time I'd genuinely seen him smile in days. He said "thank you" so softly, as if those were the hardest words he'd ever said. So humble, without pride. I hope whatever is bothering him, that he'll be ok- and if he does need help, that he won't be too proud to reach out for help.

Friday, November 25, 2005


And it's catching up with me. I didn't go to bed at all last night. I just wasn't able to sleep. So much on my mind, so many things to deal with. As if Nick weren't enough to just make my Thanksgiving complete, my mother called last night. I love her dearly, and was so glad to hear from her and my sister. Momma called to check on me, and the usual "family talk", but I could tell there was something else she needed to say. I finally told her to just tell me straight out, don't dance around the subject. Two people from our church "back home" had passed away. George and Robin died within three days of one another. Robin's funeral is tomorrow, and George's on sunday. I'm just speechless. When you think things are bad, and can't get any worse- they can. I mean, I know they're no longer hurting, and they are at peace in a much better place than we can EVER dream of- it just hurts letting go. Especially letting go of Robin.

Robin was a troubled woman from her teenage years. She grew up a few houses down from my mother. Her mother, Jane, had asked momma to "hang out" with Robin, to be a good influence on her. Robin loved my mother dearly. She tried to be like her, but found herself falling back into the lifestyle of drinking and drugs all to often. Robin lived her life in and out of jail, rehab, and shelters across the United States. A year ago, Robin came home. She was finally tired of running. She handed her life over to Christ, and dedicated herself to her recovery. The saddest part is, it was too late for her body. The damage had been done. Her liver was destroyed. Cirrhosis had set in, and was progressing fast. She was going blind, as well as deaf. My mother had been helping care for her when she was able. Early last month, Robin was told her body was over-run with cancer. Treatment would not be of any use. Yesterday morning at 6:00am, Robin passed away. Even though it hurts losing her, she taught me a valuable lesson. It's never too late to change your life. No, she didn't have much time here on earth, but she insured herself a place in Heaven.

Working has helped me immensely. Focusing on caring for "Emma", "Ted", and "Lara" make things easier for me. When I'm caring for someone else, there's where my mind stays. I don't worry about things in my personal life, for those 8 or 12 hours, all that's on my mind is my patients and their care. "Emma" was still talking about her "Thanksgiving". She was so happy she was able to spend her day with Bobby and me. She said it was the best Thanksgiving she had ever had. I gave her a big hug. That lifted my spirits so much. It makes me feel so good to know that I'm bringing joy to someone else's life. "Ted" nor "Lara" are communicating with me, but I will never give up on them. I still read to them daily. I know in my heart they hear me, and maybe in whatever world they're in, they're happy. I like to believe they are anyway.

I'm finally getting sleepy. Maybe sleep will come to me tonight. No haunting dreams, no late night phone calls, no one to cause me grief. Just Chloe' and "Morris the cat", in my big fluffy bed. Sweet Dreams!

Stuck In A Moment...

"I'm not afraid
Of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard

I'm just trying to find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company

I never thought you were a fool
But darling look at you
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere baby

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I will not forsake
The colors that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing

I am still enchanted
By the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears
Through your eyes I can see

And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now
My, oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep

I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass.."

Yes, it's U2 again. A dear friend of mine sent these lyrics to me, reminding me, that the hurt Nick caused me will pass. She's exactly right, it will pass, it was only a moment. I can't get stuck, or else I risk never getting out. I have too much to live for, and nothing to lose. Goodbye to you, Nick. You're not worth it. He wasn't strong enough to be my man. Here's to my future...

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Time To Be Thankful...

I am thankful I had to work today. After the lovely dinner Susan prepared for us, I received a phone call that I never expected. Nick. A man I loved dearly, a man who is married. He's bad for me in everyway possibly, yet his memory haunts me. I've never loved anyone the way I loved him. I'm not a home-wrecker, nor will I ever be. When I found out he was still married, I was devistated. It had to end, even though my heart was breaking in the process. He called me simply to play with my mind, to break me. He almost succeeded.

"So I'll begin not to love you...
Turn around, and see me runnin'
I'll say I loved you years ago...
And tell myself you never loved me... No...
Don't say that she's pretty...
And did you say that she loves you...
Baby, I don't wanna know... Oh no...
And can you tell me... was it worth it...
Baby, I don't wanna know...

Time cast a spell on you, that you won't forget me...
I know I could've loved you but you would not let me"

I finally hung up on him. I spent the rest of my night in tears, wondering what I had done that was so wrong. Why he had to call me now, and torment me to no end. It was the same shit, different year. I should never have answered the phone. Thank God I have my work. Seeing "Emma" today made things so much better. She was so thankful that I was working today. Her smile brightened my day.

Bobby came by and spent most of the day with "Emma". I hope I didn't offend him. I wasn't in a very talkative mood, not like my normal self. I was hurting, but trying to put on my best happy face to keep "Emma's" spirits up. She's a dear woman, and I refuse to let my personal problems affect my mood at work. Nick isn't worth the tears I cried over him. He wasn't then, and isn't now. Bobby was trying to be very polite, making conversation. That's the most I've ever heard the man speak. I just wasn't feeling it. I finally excused myself and left to check on other patients. I sat with "Ted" for a long while. I read the sports page to him, and a few of articles from the new Sports Illustrated. From what I understand he was a big sports fan before entering Carmel Ridge. He's never communicated with me in any form, but I have to believe that he can hear me, and understands.

I came home tonight to an empty apartment. I pushed the one man I know I need- away from me. I didn't want to deal with him, or anyone else. I'm so selfish. I should've been thankful that he actually acknowledged my existence. I have so much to be thankful for- my family, friends, health, a good job, a roof over my head, food on my table, clothes on my back, and the fact that I'm able to worship in whatever way I choose. That's what I need to focus on and always remember. Not just because it's the title of a holiday, but because it's the right thing to do. How could I forget Phillp Morris? He helps me get through the day. I probably shouldn't be thankful for him, but I am.

Thanks- to all of my friends. I appreciate the time you spend here with me, and the support you've given me. It means a lot, now, and always...

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

I Couldn't Resist...

Our Thanksgiving...

It's been a busy day! I have to work tomorrow, so Susan and Maria are celebrating Thanksgiving today with me. We're having our "dinner" at 3:00pm today. I'm so blessed to have my friends in my life. Even if we had nothing to eat, as long as we were together, I'd be complete. I'm not doing much of the cooking, that's why I'm actually getting to post today. The last time I cooked a meal, Susan referred to it as a "Bridget Jones Meal". Needless to say, I'm out of the kitchen today. Susan, being a chef, typically roots everyone out of the kitchen anyway. She's one who can work better by herself than have people who don't know what's going on in her way. She's deep frying a turkey. Now, I told her this has to be fried OUTSIDE. I can see her standing on my balcony outside with that turkey fryer smoking a cigarette. That's class if I've ever seen it. That's something I love about my friends. They don't care. It doesn't matter how we look, or what we're doing- we are who we are. Love us, or hate us, we change for no one.

Maria just snuck into the kitchen to steal a roll. Good thing Susan didn't see that. After our dinner, Maria has rehearsal. Maria captured the part of Elizabeth Bennet, described as "The play's protagonist. The second daughter of Mr. Bennet, Elizabeth is the most intelligent and sensible of the five Bennet sisters. She is well read and quick-witted, with a tongue that occasionally proves too sharp for her own good. Her realization of Darcy's essential goodness eventually triumphs over her initial prejudice against him." It's not a wonder she was able to capture the lead, this character isn't that different from Maria herself. I'm so excited for her. This was one of my favorite novels, and to see it performed live will be so exciting!

I need to call home. My mom and sister were going to come to New York for Thanksgiving until they found out I had to work. I know they were disappointed, but understand that my patients need me, and I do have an obligation to them. I should have Christmas off since I'm working Thanksgiving, and I know I'll see them then. I'm glad I'll be with "Emma" for Thanksgiving. I'm sure Bobby will be by to see her, and that will make her Thanksgiving complete. I hear Susan yelling for a platter, the turkey must be done. I suppose I should go help her. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

It Speaks For Itself....

'Tis The Season...

For people to be at their worst. It's already started, the "Christmas Hype". People beating each other to death for toys in the stores, and the bargain hunters preying like vultures over the sale racks. Susan and I were in search of the perfect ballgown for her. The annual NYPD Policeman's Ball is next month, and she will be attending with Ethan. I'd give my left arm to be able to attend this ball! She's so lucky. I'm so happy for her, she's finally found happiness with a man who's a gentleman. He appreciates and respects her, which is something that's so hard to find this day in time. Store after store, we looked and looked. She tried on I know sixty dresses. This is the first time I wasn't the one ripping dresses off the rack screaming "This is it! It's perfect", at least ten times!

When we came to the last store, Susan had found her gown. A navy blue gown designed by Dina Bar-el. It's described as "a halter top silk formal gown, ties at the neck, and a deep V front with elaborate front design detail that forms a flattering corset". When she tried it on, we knew immediately that was the dress for her. She'll take Ethan's breath away when he sees her. The saleswomen were very persistent. Even though I will not be attending this event, they insisted I try on a dress as well because as they stated "You never know". Yeah right. I tried on a beautiful red carpet evening gown by Allen Schwartz. Strapless, with a sweetheart neckline, form-fitting- perfect. I stood up on a pedestal in front of the window while the saleswoman observed the dress. It was beautiful, a definite breathtaker. I felt silly standing in this store in a dress I'd never wear, well to a ball anyway. The last ball I attended was a Military Ball, and that was years ago. I stood up straight, getting ready to walk down, when I looked out the window. Speaking of breathless, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. Our eyes met. Bobby. I don't know how long he had been standing there, but he was looking at me as if I were the only women in the world. I began to blush, I looked away quickly, embarrassed, flustered.

By the time I walked off of the small platform, he was gone. Was I dreaming? Did I see what I wanted to see? Was he really there? I don't know. All I know, is in an instant he was gone. I ran to the dressing room and put my clothes back on. Susan's dress was already wrapped and ready to go. We went around the corner for a drink. God knows I needed one after that performance. The stores were just so busy, and we didn't feel like fighting the crowds, so after a drink we headed back to my apartment. I knew I had some accessories that would go perfectly with her dress. I've never seen Susan this excited. I know she's going to have a wonderful time.

My mind wondered back to Bobby. He's a detective with the NYPD. Will he be attending as well? Who will he take? I quickly put those thoughts out of my mind, because if I don't it will drive me crazy.

"There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around."

How true that is- I'm just as far in as I'll ever be out. I've gotten myself in too deep with a man I can't have, or can I? That's one mystery I'm not yet able to solve. If only it were as simple as "Miss Scarlett in the library with the candlestick". Sometimes the clues aren't always there.

Monday, November 21, 2005

I Am...

Absolutely exhausted. A day off is most welcome. "Emma" has shown definite signs of improvement over the past few days, which has helped put my mind at ease. Bobby came to visit her yesterday. He brought a cup of coffee for me. I thought that was so sweet and thoughtful of him. I guess I must've looked like I needed something to keep me going on saturday. Regardless, it was thoughtful gesture, and one much appreciated. He's been out to Carmel Ridge several times this week. I think "Emma" has really fought hard this week to recover. She's so excited about her tulips. She can't wait for them to bloom. I can't either honestly. Winter depresses me to no end sometimes. I love the snow and lights and such- it's just the short days and cold get to me after awhile. When spring finally beings to bloom, trust me, I'm more than ready for it.

I've got to check in with Maria. She's getting ready to begin rehearsing a new play. Which one it is? That's beyond me. The girl has so much on her plate right now, it's hard for me to keep up with what's going on from day to day. I think Susan and I are having dinner tonight. Ethan must be working. I can't complain. Susan really deserves someone to be good to her, and she's so happy. That's all that matters. I do miss the three of us being together constantly, but everything changes. Susan and Maria are still in my life, and I'm grateful for that. Now, I think I'm going to head for the bathtub and take a nice relaxing soak. I need to melt away some of the stress of the week.

Sunday, November 20, 2005


"Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say...

One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's...

Too late
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other


It's So True...

Imitation IS the greatest form of flattery....

Much Better...

"Emma" has made a tremendous progress in the past few days. I'm so proud of her, and of Bobby for the exceptional care he's given his mother. All she could talk about was her flowers. She's so excited. It's definitely given her a little something extra to look forward to- a purpose. I'm so glad to see her coherent and alert. She was thrilled to see Bobby yesterday. Ok, she was thrilled I walked through the door with him, but nonetheless, she's always happy to see her son.

So many of our patients have no one. We're all they have. "Emma" is so fortunate to have someone who loves her as much as Bobby. I feel much better after talking to him. I want him to be able to sleep at night. I don't want him to worry. No, I'm not a doctor, but I know the medical field. "Emma" is special to me, I won't let anything happen to her. I needed him to know that. I wanted him to know that I'll make sure she gets the best care possible, and have access to the best doctors for her condition. I risked everything to do so, but "Emma" is worth it all.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Is It Only?

"I'd heard rumors and I'd heard talk
About the trail you'd left of broken hearts
About the sea of tears too wide to cross
But a little bad press has never scared me off
So I burned a path to figure out
How to get me some of what you got
I've got a red hot heart
If the talk is true yours is the same
And we should be together
And let our passions fan love's flame

When I looked for you I almost passed you by
You were so cool and calm I thought my friends had lied
But I thought so much reserve must make you wild inside
It was there and then that I knew I had to get some of what you got

I've got a red hot heart
If the talk is true yours is the same
And we should be together
And let our passions fan love's flame

I thought I'd won your heart when I held you hand in mine
I thought it was true love the way we complemented each other
But my right is your wrong
And when you're right then I'm left with nothing
Your light and your heat have all been spent
Leaving only smoke and ashes
Only smoke and ashes baby

I've got a red hot heart
Any your heart's as blue as the blood in your veins
I say there's fire down below
You say it's only smoke and ashes baby

I'm crying all the time
Salty stinging tears
And mourning for the past carbon-dated years
But knowing now for certain that you were always right
Because if a breeze could blow you out of my life
It's only smoke and ashes baby
Only smoke and ashes baby..."

Or something more?

At Last....

It's a cold day in New York. The kind of cold that makes you hate yourself for being a smoker. "Emma" is doing better, but not making the kind of progress I was hoping for. After making sure she was settled, and getting her daily newspaper, I went out into the cold air of Carmel to have my a quick cigarette. As I stood there shivering, wondering why I haven't tried "the patch", I heard a man ask me for a light. I turned around, my eyes opened wide. Damn, I'd been caught off guard. Yes, it was Bobby. I smiled at him and handed him my lighter. Thank goodness it was cold, at least I could pass my trembling off due to the cold.

I was honestly glad to see him. I told him of the concerns I had about his mother's care. I recommended a new doctor her, one I have great confidence in- I know he truly cares for his patients, and with him, she'll have a chance at a better life. I could tell how tired he was. His eyes were dark and glazed. I reassured him that I would take care of her. I won't let anything happen, not as long as I'm here. I want him to be able to sleep at night. He needs to know, that he's not at fault.

As we both finished our cigarettes, I told him he couldn't tell anyone what we'd discussed- that I could lose my job for the information I've shared. He knew. He knew I conveyed what I did because I genuinely care about his mother's well-being. She was delighted when he and I walked into her room together. That's the first time I've seen her smile like that in weeks. I went over to make sure she was comfortable, and then told her I'd be at my station if she needed me. Of course, she wanted me to stay and visit with Bobby. As much as I honestly wanted to, I wanted to make sure he had the private time with his mother that he needed. I told her Bobby and I had already talked, and it was her time. He thanked me again for everything. I smiled and told him "anytime". He's a good man, "Emma" raised a true gentleman.

Remember and Reflect

I received this e-mail not long ago. It made me really stop and reflect on my life, and how truly blessed I am.

Ruth went to her mail box and there was only one letter.
She picked it up and looked at it before opening, but
then she looked at the envelope again.

There was no stamp, no postmark, only her name and
address. She read the letter:

Dear Ruth:

I`m going to be in your neighborhood
Saturday afternoon and I'd like to stop
by for a visit.

Love Always, Jesus

Her hands were shaking as she placed
the letter on the table.

"Why would the Lord want to visit me?

I'm nobody special. I don't have
anything to offer."

With that thought, Ruth remembered her
empty kitchen cabinets. "Oh my
goodness, I really don't have anything
to offer. I'll have to run down to
the store and buy something for dinner."

She reached for her purse and
counted out its contents. Five
dollars and forty cents. "Well, I can get
some bread and cold cuts, at least."
She threw on her coat and hurried out
the door.

A loaf of French bread, a half-pound
of sliced turkey, and a carton of
milk..leaving Ruth with grand total
twelve cents to last her until Monday.

Nonetheless, she felt good as she
headed home, her meager offerings tucked
under her arm.

"Hey lady, can you help us, lady?"
Ruth had been so absorbed in her
dinner plans, she hadn't even noticed two
figures huddled in the alleyway. A man
and a woman, both of them dressed in
little more than rags

"Look lady, I ain't got a job, ya
know, and my wife and I have been living
out here on the street, and, well, now
it's getting cold and we're getting
kinda hungry and, well, if you could
help us. Lady, we'd really appreciate it."

Ruth looked at them both.
They were dirty, they smelled bad and
frankly, she was certain that they
could get some kind of work if they
really wanted to.

"Sir, I'd like to help you, but I'm a
poor woman myself. All I have is a few
cold cuts and some bread, and I'm
having an important guest for dinner
tonight and I was planning on serving
that to Him."

"Yeah, well, okay lady, I understand.
Thanks anyway."

The man put his arm around the woman's
shoulders, turned and headed back
into the alley.

As she watched them leave, Ruth felt a
familiar twinge in her heart.

"Sir, wait!" The couple stopped and
turned as she ran down the alley after
them. "Look, why don't you take this
food. I'll figure out something else to
serve my guest."

She handed the man her grocery bag.
"Thank you lady. Thank you very much!"
"Yes, thank you!" It was the man's
wife, and Ruth could see now that she was
shivering. "You know, I've got another
coat at home. Here, why don't you
take this one." Ruth unbuttoned her
jacket and slipped it over the woman's
shoulders. Then smiling, she turned
and walked back to the street...without
her coat and with nothing to serve her

"Thank you lady! Thank you very much!"

Ruth was chilled by the time she
reached her front door, and worried too.
The Lord was coming to visit and she
didn't have anything to offer Him.

She fumbled through her purse for the
door key. But as she did, she noticed
another envelope in her mailbox.

"That's odd. The mailman doesn't
usually come twice in one day." She took
the envelope out of the box and opened it.

Dear Ruth:

It was so good to see you again. Thank
you for the lovely meal. And thank
you, too, for the beautiful coat.

Love Always,

The air was still cold, but even
without her coat, Ruth no longer noticed...

I've spent the past week feeling sorry for myself. I've been frustrated over "Emma's" situation, and not being able to provide better care for her. I've been so upset over Verna's condition, wondering why it had to happen to her? Why now? Two people I love very much, one hurting, one dying. It's really brought me down. I haven't taken the time to realize, these people are in my life for a reason. I'm truly blessed to be a part of their life, reguardless of how long it may be. Even though they are sick, they're fortunate. We don't worry where our next meal is coming from, or if we'll have a warm place to sleep tonight. We do, and we don't give it a second thought.

In New York, on every corner, you can find a homeless person. Someone who lies upon a stone pillow to sleep. Who's next meal will come from a dumpster or if they're lucky, a handout from a stranger. So often I take for granted the simple everyday comforts I enjoy. A shower, a nice comfy bed, a warm meal, clothes to protect me from the cold- things so many people go without. Seeing someone homeless has always broken my heart. I could barely stand seeing the few homeless people we had in Elizabethton, much less the masses in New York City. The salt of the earth, the forgotten, they have nothing. I have been so blessed with friends, family, a job, a home, food on my table, and clothes on my back. Things most people take for granted, these people would give their right arm to have.

This is the one time of year when we focus on giving thanks. Give thanks to those you love for what you have been blessed with, and remember those who are less fortunate. Give what you can, be it your time, love, support, food or clothing, the reward you receive will be greater than any possession that could be bought.

Friday, November 18, 2005

I Jumped On The Bandwagon...

1. If you were allowed one redo in life, what would you redo? My early 20's. I'm leaving it at that.

2. If you could take back 1 thing you said to 1 person, what would it be? I would take back telling Ryan I hated him.

3. If you could have 5 mintues to talk to anyone (real person only)you wanted to, who would it be? I'm hoping this means past OR present person. Jesus. There are so many things I'd want to ask him, but more than anything, I would simply be honored to be in his presence.

4. What is the nicest thing you have ever done for someone else? Help them in their time of need.

5. What is the worst thing you have ever done to someone else? I've hurt someone badly out of spite and anger.

As a side note- To the person who felt they could gain access by using my name and e-mail address to sign up for AOL instant messenger, don't. I've tracked you down. I know who you are. I don't know what you're hoping to accomplish by doing this, but it will get you no where, or any closer to anyone else. Be warned.

Sometimes... You Can't Make It On Your Own...

"Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough

You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

We fight all the time
You and I...that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need...I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -
Sing, you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...

Where are we now?
I've got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own..."

This was the first song Bobby and I danced to nearly two months ago. I'd never really listened to the lyrics. I was just so delighted to be in the arms of such a handsome, mysterious man. Little did I realize just how true they were. The drive to work is a long one. It gives me a lot of time to think and clear my mind. Many times, I'll simply listen to the radio or a CD, and get lost in the music. As I flipped through stations aimlessly, I heard this song playing. It brought back good memories- which is something I can definitely use right now. So often I rely on the memories of a better time, to get me through a difficult time in the present.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Of All Things...

I didn't need this. I've been sick with worry over "Emma", and her condition, now I have another to worry about. Verna, a dear friend and former co-worker of mine from Bristol, was diagnosed with liver cancer this morning. My heart is broken. "Momma Verna", we all called her. She was the matriarch of "Proffitts' Bristol". Verna was the glue that held the store together. Proffitts' Bristol was the smallest, and oldest store in the Proffitts' chain. Formerly owned by Saks 5th Avenue, we really thought we were something special. My Elizabeth Arden counter was over 20 years old, but I took pride in it. I was only 16 at the time, but I felt important, as if the job I held, was a job of dignity and prestige. Quality, Integrity, Service- that was the "Proffitt's Motto". At 66, Verna ran circles around all of the high school girls who worked with her. She took care of each of us, but above all- she showed us the type of person we wanted to be.

Verna thanked God every day she walked through the "employee" door. She was thankful she was able to work and provide her customers with the best service possible. She worked hard. She was the best, there's no question about that. In April of this year, on her way back from lunch, she fell outside of the lower level, breaking her arm in three different areas. She was in the hospital for nearly two months. I went home to visit her in May. She was in good spirits and looking forward to coming back to work. I stopped by my old store. It was just as I remembered it. My counter, it hadn't changed in 11 years. It's as if I'd never left. Lots of my friends were still there, along with several new faces. It was good to be back with my "family".

Verna returned to work in August, however, she wasn't able to do what was once able to do. She left sick every day, which was no like her. Verna could've been on her deathbed and she would come to work. She's been sick off and on since then. Geraldine, her best friend, and a person dear to me, told me that everyone had finally convinced Verna to see a doctor. She was hospitalized immediately. Geraldine told me she had put off calling me long enough. She knew she had to, even though telling me was one of the hardest things she's ever had to do. I don't know how long Verna has, unfortunately, I don't believe it's long. Geraldine said her legs were so swollen that she wasn't even able to walk. Her heart is giving out. She begins chemotherapy in the morning, however, they asked her this afternoon for a copy of her living will.

I knew immediately what that meant. There's not much time. I can't stand it. I love Verna so much. She gave her life to Proffitts' and her Proffitts' family. She loves each of us as if we were her children. It doesn't matter how long it's been since we've worked there, to her, we will always work there. I sat down tonight after speaking with Geraldine, looking at pictures from the store. One that brought me to tears was of a bunch of "the girls" in "Big Daddy's" office *that's what we called our manager Ron*. We were all gathered around his desk, and on the wall behind him, was a big picture frame that said "Family is Forever" with miscellaneous pictures of employees from the store.

We truly were family. I've never worked in an environment like that since. We all looked out for one another, if someone was hurting, we hurt with them. We picked each other up when we were down, and gave someone a smile if they didn't have one. You don't find places of employment like that now. In April of this year, Belk stores purchased all 44 Proffitts' stores in 14 states. Since there was a Belk in the Bristol Mall, our store was one of the first to go. Even though it's been years since I've worked there, I don't know that I could've handled seeing my counter destroyed. It wasn't much, but it was mine. The store, it was ours.

When the store went, I believe Verna's will to live did as well. She's gone down hill fast since the Belk transition. Geraldine said she didn't take it well, and wasn't planning on going to Belk to work. Verna's job was her life. She lived for her co-workers and her customers.

When I spoke with her tonight, she didn't sound well at all. Her voice was soft and weak. She asked me to pray for her. "I told her I always have, and I always will. I want her to fight until the Lord tells her to stop. And when he says it's time to stop and come home, go with him. Make a place for us, we'll be with you one day. I love you "Momma Verna", and I always will." I don't want her to give up, but at the same time, I don't want to see her suffering. I can't stand seeing someone suffer, especially someone I love. I need to make time to go back home. I need to see Verna one last time. Please, tell those whom you love, that you love them. Don't waste an opportunity, for you never know when it may be the last.


I didn't speak with Bobby last night. I'm really worried about "Emma". I can't tell him over the phone that I don't think the doctor who is caring for is best suited for her needs. That he's known for over-medicating versus providing up-to-date care. At the very least, I hope he'll meet with the doctor. Tracey is working today, I know she'll speak with Bobby if she sees him. I called this morning to check on "Emma". No change. She's still out cold. I hate seeing her like that. She's the only patient I have that will communicate with me. This job has been so difficult not only mentally, but emotionally. Not rotating, means we're able to become attached to our patients very easily. I've become very attached to "Emma", and want nothing more than to see her cared for by the best. I worry when I'm not there. I know when I'm there, she's cared for to the best of my ability.

I'll probably have a breakdown tonight. I'm going to see "The Trip to Bountiful". That movie, and now play, has always made me very emotional. Now, with "Emma" in the state she is in, it will hurt me even more. I've got to do something to cheer myself up... We're not even going to discuss cigarettes. I got a Thanksgiving Card from Virginia Slims, maybe that's a clue I smoke too much?

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Exhaustion and Despair....

Exhausted- doesn't even begin to describe it. He haunted my dreams last night, and today poor "Emma", she's not doing good at all. I'm so angry no one called me last night. She shouldn't have had to go through this alone. What caused it? Could it have been prevented? Questions race through my mind. It hurts me so badly to see her like this, knowing all I can do is sit and hold her hand, praying she can hear me when I talk to her. I opened her curtains this morning, I know how much she likes the sunshine, and read the daily news to her. She always loved to be up to date on current events. There must be something that can be done for her.

During my lunch break, I took a look at her medical history. The medications they have her on, they're not as advanced as they could be. I began doing some research, I knew there were other drugs that might help enhance her quality of life. I've found a few. The only problem is, her doctor. I'm not exactly fond of him and his pratice. "Emma" will need a new doctor in order to receive the treatments that will be best for her. I can't assign a new doctor to her. Only- her son can do that.

I have to put my personal feelings aside. God, this is a test if I've ever seen one. I have to call to him, and tell him I've found some treatments for his mother. There's a lot to explain. I can't tell him at the hospital. I have to be so careful. I could lose my job, and my license for this. "Emma" means the world to me, I only want what's best for her. I have to call him. "Emma" is what's most important right now.

"Bobby, this is Chloe' Gardner, one of your mother's nurses. I... I need to speak with you, but.. um... I can't discuss on the phone why. I just need you to know she'll be fine, please call me as soon as you recieve this message, so we can schedule a time to talk. My number is....."

I've left the message. I pray he gets it. I want "Emma" to live again, and I know that he does as well.

I Believe It's True...

"Guess mine is not the first heart broken
My eyes are not the first to cry
I'm not the first to know
There's just no getting over you
You know I'm just a fool whos willing
To sit around and wait for you
But baby can't you see there's nothing left for me to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you

But now, there's no where to hide
Since you pushed my love aside
I'm out of my head hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you

My head is saying fool foget him
My heart is saying don't let go
Hold on to the end that's what I intend to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you"

I just awoke from a vivid dream. I can't get him out of my mind. The vision of him in my dreams haunts me. I can hear his voice, I feel his arms holding me- all of the things I want, but don't have. I'm hopelessly devoted to a man who barely knows I'm alive. Sleep, it's not my friend tonight.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005


Finished with Maria's costume. Talk about elaborate! This girl knows how to keep me busy. I haven't had much time to get ready, so everyone will just have to deal with me, just as a I am tonight. I'm really looking forward to going out. Susan will be leaving a little earlier tonight- Ethan called her and asked if she'd meet him during his "lunch break". This girl has got it bad! Maria is in a singing mood-so I know karaoke is in our future.

I called a few of the girls from Carmel Ridge, and invited them for drinks. They've never been to 515 before and thought it sounded like fun. It's such a fun, relaxed atmosphere, it's not a wonder it's always packed. Susan has already gone to make sure we have a table- although typically, we're never together. That'll probably change now that she's not on the hunt for a man, and Maria and Cody have been "talking" again. I'm now the "odd duck", with no man. Normally, that would bother me, but I'm honestly happy for my friends. My time will come.

It's a little after 8:00pm now, so I'm going to put on a spritz of Addict and head out the door. Here's to hoping it's a fun girls night out! I'll drink one for ya!


I'm so lazy! I didn't get out of bed until 11:00am! I've slept my day away! Oh well, I suppose we all deserve some time to just be a "lazy daisy". Susan stopped by the deli on the way over to my apartment. I'm so glad she did! I was starving! She and Ethan had a hot date last night. She's been seeing quite a bit of him since Halloween. He seems to be a really good guy. I'm so happy for her. It's time she finally had some happiness in her life. She's spent so much time helping others, and trying to make them happy, that so often she put herself on the backburner. She looks better than she ever has- she's finally taking care of herself.

Ethan has to work graveyard tonight, and she wanted to go out. I haven't been to 515 in awhile, so it will be a welcome change of scenery. As I sat in my comfy recliner, I realized something that paralyzed me with fear. Susan snapped me back into reality by telling me I looked like I had seen a ghost. I can't run anymore. I can't run from Bobby. He knows who I am, and where to find me. Now, if I see him, I have to face him. I can't be afraid of what I want, and might not have. I have to stand up and look it straight in the eye.

If I see him tonight, I have to talk to him. I can't look at him and run anymore. How am I going to handle this? Knowing he's "Emma's" son, doesn't change how I feel about him, and what I want. Until I found out, I was able to fight it. To put him in the darkest corner of my mind, and not bring him out, unless I happened to see him. But now, that's all changed. I have to face the reality, that I may not only see him at the bar, but at work as well. He may be a more constant figure in my life than I had counted on.

All I can do is leave up to God above. Maybe this is what I've been waiting for, for so very long. I don't know. I just know I didn't expect any of this to happen this way. What were the chances? Slim to none? I'm still in awe thinking about it. I think I'll give my brain a rest! Maria had brought a costume over for me to mend, so I think I'll get out my sewing kit and get to work. I'm glad to have something to distract me for the time being.

The Trip To Bountiful...

"Carrie Watts longs to return to her childhood home of Bountiful, Texas, where she hasn't been in thirty years. Despite her failing health, she grows more determined to escape from the tiny Houston apartment she shares with her soft-spoken son and watchful daughter-in-law. Finally she gets her chance to head homeward, and it is the journey of a lifetime."

On November 15th, at The Peter Norton Space, I'll be seeing it performed live. The movie brought me to tears on more than one occasion. This sweet, southern, Christian elderly woman loved singing hymns, and wanted to see her childhood home once more, before dying. I remember the emotion I felt when she was driven up to her home. The light in her eyes, she was alive, for the first time in years. She was out of the cage her daughter-in-law forced her to live in, and was free. Free to remember, to be a little girl again, if only for the few moments she was given.

When I hear the hymn "Softly and Tenderly", I always begin to cry. If this play is half as moving as the movie, I'll probably need therapy once it's over. Susan doesn't handle it very well either. There's something about "Southern Hymns", that just makes you cry. Maybe it's the guilt we're brought up with, or just the love and pain that you've felt when hearing the hymns that make them so painful. Either way, a tear will always escape my eyes when hearing them.

I really should be in bed instead of sitting here typing. I've had a hard time concentrating on much of anything today. I was up way too late last night, and once again, here I sit. Thank goodness I'm off tomorrow. Hopefully I can catch up on some laundry and pay the bills- UGH. I've been putting that one off as long as I can. Citibank and Chase would really appreciate if I'd pay them.

It's nearly 2:00am, I really need to be sleeping. Time to go "count the sheep". Hopefully I'll fall asleep before I have to uncover myself in order to count more!

Monday, November 14, 2005

Dedicated To ALL My Friends...

What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there?

What would you do if for every moment you were truly happy there would be 10 moments of sadness?

What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt?

So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life.

I look up to you, respect you, and truly cherish you.

Let old friends know you haven't forgotten them, and tell new friends you never will.

Remember, everyone needs a friend, someday you might feel like you have NO FRIENDS at all, just remember this poem and take comfort in knowing somebody out there cares about you and always will.

In times of trouble,
In times of need,
If you are feeling SAD,
You can count on me.
I will give you a wink,
Until you smile,
Give you a hug,
And stand by your side.

I'll be there for you till the end, I'll always and forever, be your friend!

I just received this from a dear friend, and felt I should share it.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Now That I'm Relatively Calm...

I can better explain things. After I finished my cigarette break, I knew I had to "freshen up" and go back to work. As much as I absolutely dreaded having to go back in and face Bobby, it had to be done. I washed my hands, put on a spritz of Addict, to cover the smell of smoke, and headed back in to check on my other patients. Thank goodness, "Ted" was needing help with his afternoon snack. I sat with him for a good twenty minutes. "Ted" doesn't typically communicate with me. I've tried so hard to reach him, to have him open up to me. I haven't given up on him, nor will I, but for now, he's just stuck in neutral. After making sure he was full and comfortable, I went to check on "Emma". He son had just left. "Thank goodness!", I thought to myself. I have no idea what I would've said to him this time.

"Emma" was delighted I met her son. She made me sit down and talk to her about him. She begged me to tell her how I met him, and had no idea how I didn't know she was his mother. I was forced to tell her the truth. I wouldn't let her heart be broken by thinking her son was ashamed to say where his mother was, especially since I'm now working for Carmel Ridge. I explained the entire story. How I met him almost two months ago at 515. We'd chatted a few times, and shared a few dances. The last time I spoke with him, I was still working at hospital. I hadn't transferred to Carmel Ridge until a month ago. She held my hand, and told me she was so glad I met him. She'd been telling him all about how much she loved me, and was glad I was her nurse. I sat there praying she hadn't been telling him the same things she'd told me- the "I wish you would marry "my Bobby", he needs a nice girl like you to take care of him". Oh God, if she has, he'll think I've put her up to that- and I had NO IDEA "her Bobby" is in fact "my Bobby".

Looking back, I suppose I should've put two and two together. I knew "my Bobby" was a detective, in his 40's, never married, very kind and courteous. Her "baby Bobby", was a detective, in his 40's, never married, kind, courteous, and concerned for his mother. I must be the biggest idiot alive!!! How did I not put the pieces together? Oh well, now I know. Honestly, I'm glad. He's a good man, I knew that from the moment I saw him. He's not like most men I've met. He's a good person. He loves his mother and cares for her the best way he knows how. I have a lot of respect for him. Knowing he's "Emma's" son, I will most likely see him again. I suppose I'll have to remember to be looking my best on sundays- no late saturday nights out on the town for me! Chloe' what have you gotten yourself into now?!?!

I Can't Believe It!!!

There's no way to adequately describe my day. I'm still in total shock, so I'm not sure exactly how much sense I will make. My day started out pretty typical. I check on my patients and made sure they had their medications and were comfortable. At lunch, I prepared "Emma's" lasagna that Susan had sent to her. She was delighted! Small things to show someone is thinking of her makes her day. We went outside for a little while so she could enjoy the reasonably warm weather and the leaves. She knew it was almost time for her son to visit, so we went back to her room.

I sat on the edge of her bed, telling her about some of the happenings during my week. I saw her turn to the door and her eyes light up. Her son, Bobby had flowers and gifts for her. I nearly had a heartattack when I saw him. No, this IS NOT POSSIBLE. He... he can't be. Her son. Bobby. My Bobby. The man I've danced with, dreamt of, hoped to connect with once more. He's her son. I know I turned as pale as Casper. I stood up, clearing my throat, trembling as I shook his hand. I introduced myself, and he told me he remembered me, it was nice to see me. I have no idea what I said to him. I tried so hard to control my breathing. I didn't want him to know I was that nervous. It was written all over my face. A poker face is something I just don't have.

I patted "Emma's" hand and told her I wanted her to spend some quality time with her son. I told Bobby once more, it was nice to see him. He thanked me for the care I'd given his mother. I told him she was precious to me, and I would always take care of her, and thanked him for the letter he left for me. The way he looked at me took my breath away. His dark mysterious eyes followed me as I walked out of her room gracefully, and took off running down the hall. I was in shock, I had to get out, and fast. Running, it's what I do best. I told Tracey that I had to have a smoke break IMMEDIATELY! When she glanced into "Emma's" room, she understood fully. I went outside away from the hospital and smoked like I'd never seen a cigarette before. Bobby... is her son. I'm still in shock. To everything there is a time, a reason and a season. Maybe I've found my reason. More later...


It's almost 2:00am, and here I sit, wishing sleep would find me. My weekend has been very low stress. I've enjoyed my time off immensely, finally being able to focus on myself for a short time. In the morning, it's back to work. I have some lasagna that Susan served tonight at the restaurant. I know how much "Emma" loves Italian food, so I figured I'd take it work tomorrow as a special lunch treat for her. After what she's been through in the past week, I figured she would appreciate something special just for her. I'm hoping the weather will be reasonably warm in the afternoon. She loves going outside and looking at the trees. Fall is one of her favorite seasons. Mine too.

I can remember when I was growing up back in Tennessee, running and jumping in a big pile of leaves that my Daddy had just raked. Knowing he'd be mad, but not for long. He knew how much Savannah and I loved playing outside. The fresh air in the mountains- there's nothing like it. I've been missing home a lot lately. I guess it's something everyone goes through when they move away. It's a natural part of the process I suppose.

I've got to try to get some sleep. I've got a long shift to pull tomorrow, with people counting on me to be awake and alert. Maybe if I count the sheep on my sheets, I'll be able to sleep. Highly doubtful, but a nice thought nonetheless. Cigarettes: I'm not tellin'.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

It's True....

"You're a song
Written by the hands of God
Don't get me wrong cause
This might sound to you a bit odd
But you own the place
Where all my thoughts go hiding
And right under your clothes
Is where I find them

Underneath Your Clothes
There's an endless story
There's the man I chose
There's my territory
And all the things I deserve
For being such a good girl honey

Because of you
I forgot the smart ways to lie
Because of you
I'm running out of reasons to cry
When the friends are gone
When the party's over
We will still belong to each other

Underneath Your Clothes
There's an endless story
There's the man I chose
There's my territory
And all the things I deserve
For being such a good girl honey

I love you more than all that's on the planet
Movin' talkin' walkin' breathing
You know it's true
Oh baby it's so funny
You almost don't believe it
As every voice is hanging from the silence
Lamps are hanging from the ceiling
Like a lady tied to her manners
I'm tied up to this feeling

Underneath Your Clothes
There's an endless story
There's the man I chose
There's my territory
And all the things I deserve
For being such a good girl honey"

Friday, November 11, 2005

Time For...

Me. I've been so caught up in caring for others, that I've neglected myself. How sad is it, that the last time I took a day, just for myself- it was because I was trying to impress someone else? How often do we do things like that? Work on ourselves, just to make someone else happy? I know it's far too often. So today, I decided that today was just for Chloe'. I got up and looked at my "to-do list". A list I've had for years. For the first part of my morning, I was on the internet, searching for a friend from College. Missy. We had so much fun together. Missy was from Ohio, and really enjoyed being in Knoxville. We came from completely different worlds, yet were the best of friends. We fell out of touch after graduation. I dreamt about her and her now husband Jason last night. It made me wonder about her. Hoping she's ok. So far, I've had no luck in finding her. I'll search again later.

I decided to take in some culture. It's been so long since I've been to the Met. I can remember when I was preparing to move to New York. I kept thinking, every night I'd be out on the town, doing something different, experiencing everything the city has to offer. I did, for the first couple of months. There's something magical about New York at night. The bright lights mesmerise you. Every street corner has something to captivate your mind when you're new to the area. It doesn't take long to get into the typical "New York" routine. Get up, go to work, enjoy some dinner with friends, maybe have a drink or two, go home. It becomes routine. Culture takes a back seat to your every day life.

I spent hours at the Met, looking at exhibits I've not taken the time to study in the past. I'm a huge fan of Van Gogh. I was thrilled to discover that on selected Mondays when the Museum is closed to the public, visitors will have the unique opportunity to view "Vincent van Gogh: The Drawings". I purchased a ticket before I left. Knowing this is something I cannot miss. After leaving the Met, I met up with Susan at the Grilled Cheese for a bite of lunch. It's been so long since we've been! I'd almost forgotten how much I love their famous '7-grain portobello mushroom, cheese and garlic' toastie. Susan and I have always split one, and still leave stuffed! We ran into Grethen, a mutual friend of ours from Rehs. I haven't been to Rehs in such a long time. She informed me that there were some exquisite pieces from the Lesur Collection she knew I would love. I've got to make time to stop by.

After enjoying a very filling lunch, Susan and I hit the streets to shop. I have to work that "toaster" off! The last thing I need is another handbag. We all know it. I should be attending a twelve step program for "handbags anonymous". I couldn't resist. Louis Vuttion was calling to me. I justified this by saying, my old "Speedy 25" is worn out and can't be carried. So I decided to replace it with a brand new monogram Babylone. I know, I didn't need it. But you know, it's an investment. Ok, I'm doing my best to justify why I just spent a war pension on a handbag. We made a couple of other stopped and headed back to my apartment. Maria and her friend Deborah are wanting to go out tonight after rehearsal. I'm thinking of heading somewhere different. I'm just not in the 515 mood tonight. But where to go? With all the choices in New York, I know I'll find somewhere classy to enjoy my evening.

For Fun- Again...

1. What time did you get up this morning? Too Early to talk about...

2. Diamonds or Pearls? Diamonds

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Star Wars IIII

4. What is your favorite TV show? As The World Turns

5. What did you have for breakfast? A Strawberry Pop-Tart

6. What is your middle name? Espere'

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Italian/Chinese/Japanese

8. What foods do you dislike? Liver, Peas

9. Your favorite Potato chip? Plain

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Joan Osborne Righteous Love

11. What kind of car do you drive? Ford Mustang

12. Favorite sandwich? McDonald's Big Mac

13. What characteristics do you despise? Insecurity, Arrogance, Ignorance *I go from one end of the spectrum to the other, huh? *LOL*

14. Favorite item of clothing? My black Dior halter-top

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you
go? Easter Island or Tahiti

16. What color is your bathroom? Silver and Pink

17. Favorite brand of clothing? Dior

18. Where would you want to retire to? Tennessee

19. Favorite time of day? Dusk

20. Where were you born? Johnson City, Tennessee

21. Favorite sport to watch? Football

22. Who do you wish you could talk to? Jennifer

23. Person you haven't seen in a long time? Josh

24. What laundry detergent do you use? Tide

25. Coke or Pepsi? Coke

26. Are you a morning person or night owl? Night Owl

27. What size shoe do you wear? 10

28. Do you have pets? Yes, a cat and 3 hermit crabs

29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone? Don't I wish!

30. What did you want to be when you were little? Miss America

31. Favorite Candy Bar? 3 Musketeers

32. What is your best childhood memory? Playing with my cousins at my grandmother's house.

33. What are the different jobs you have had in your life? I've worked for a cosmetic counter, and am currently a nurse.

34. What color underwear are you wearing? none

35. Nicknames: Sis, CG,

36. Piercings? Yes, 12. 6 in my left ear, 5 in my right, and one in my nose. *Can't wear any to work though*

37. Eye color? Brown

38. Ever been to Africa? no

39. Ever been toilet papering? Absolutely!

40. Love someone so much it made you cry? Yes

41. Been in a car accident? Yes

42. Croutons or bacon bits? Rice Noodles!

43. Favorite day of the week? Friday

44. Favorite restaurant? Hmmmmmm, gotta think on that one

45. Favorite flower? Orchid

46. Favorite ice cream? Chocolate

47. Disney or Warner Bros? Disney AND Warner Bros

48. Favorite fast food restaurant? McDonalds

49. What color is your bedroom carpet? I have hard wood floors

50. How many times did you fail your driver's test? 0

51. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail? I'd better not tell you that one...

52. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Louis Vuitton

53. What do you do most often when you are bored? Smoke

54. Bedtime? Whenever I fall asleep

55. Who are you most curious about their responses to this
questionnaire? ?? Anyone

56. Last person you went to dinner with? Susan and Maria

57. What are you listening to right now? Joan Osborne, At Last

59. What is your favorite color? Purple

60. Lake, Ocean or river? Ocean

61. How many tattoos do you have? None

62. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Does anyone honestly give a shit?

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Every Woman Should Have....

.. one old love
she can imagine
going back to .
and one who reminds
her how far she has come .

.. enough money within her
control to move out and
rent a place of her own
even if she never wants
to or needs to ..

. something perfect to wear if
the employer or date of her dreams
wants to see her in an hour .

.. a youth she's content
to leave behind

.. a past juicy enough that
she ' s looking forward to
retelling it in her old age ...

.. a set of screwdrivers,
cordless drill, and a black
lace bra

.. one friend who always makes
her laugh .. and one who lets
her cry .

.. a good piece of furniture
not previously owned by anyone
else in her family

. eight matching plates, wine
glasses with stems, and a recipe
for a meal that will make her
guests feel honored

. a feeling of control over
her destiny .

.. how to fall in love without
losing herself ..

.. how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend
without ruining the friendship ..
and how to change a tire!!!!!!!

.. when to try harder .. and
when to walk away ..

.. that she can't change the
length of her calves, the width
of her hips, or the nature of her
parents .

.. that her childhood may not
have been perfect .. but its
over .

.. what she would and wouldn't
do for love or more .

.. how to live alone .. even if
she doesn't like it ..

.. whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't
take it personally...

.. where to go ...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table..
or a charming inn in the woods ...
when her soul needs soothing ...

what she can and can't
accomplish in a day...
a month ... and a year

For Those Who Wanted To Know...

About my "dangerous" love. His name was Ryan. I remember clearly the first time I saw him. It was 1997. I was working for Merle Norman Cosmetics and he worked across the hall in the arcade. There was something mysterious about the way he would look at me. For weeks we'd exchange glances across the hall, but words were never exchanged. I was captivated by this man. There was something about him. All I wanted was the chance for something magical. I prayed each night that God would just give me a chance. What happened from there, I would accept, I only wanted the chance. Being only 19, I had a brilliant plan, or so I thought. I went to the mall that night, and parked, waiting for him to get off of work. I thought if I could see what type of car he drove, I could try to park next to him monday at work. I'd wait until he got off to leave, and strike up a conversation on the way to our cars.

Brilliant, right? Wrong. It was a sunday. The mall closes at 6:00pm. I waited until nearly 7:30pm. He never leaves. Well, there's a plan down the toilet, not to mention a nice evening wasted. I took extra time getting ready for work the next day. I wanted to be perfect. I went in, and just as planned, he was working. We played our game of "exchanging glances" all night. At 8:01pm on September 29, 1997, we spoke our first words. He walked across the hall, looked me straight in the eye and said "I like to stalk stalkers". I know I turned as white as a ghost. I'd been caught. There was someone who was finally one step ahead of me. I should've known right then, this wasn't going to be a healthy relationship, but I went in with eyes wide shut.

After closing the store at 9:00pm, he asked me to come over and talk to him. We sat in the arcade and talked until well after midnight. He told me of his heartbreaking past. The death of his mother, the abuse of his father, his past failed relationships, the things that tormented him- things that would've made any normal person run for miles. I should've. But I didn't. I was captivated by him. I knew I could love him, and that I could help him. We became very close over the next few weeks, talking for hours at a time every night. One night in particular, I should've called the police.

We were sitting in my car late one night. I was sad, so he made me a rose from a napkin. I leaned over and kissed him, thanking him for the rose. He proceeded to place two fingers on my throat and said "Look around you Chloe', there's no one here, I could crush your larynx with these two fingers. You'd be dead by morning, and no one would hear you scream". I jumped out of my car screaming you're crazy, get away from me. He pinned me against my car with a wild look in his eyes. He told me he wasn't leaving until I believed he wasn't crazy and wouldn't hurt me. I began sobbing. I had grown to develop such strong feelings for this man. This wonderful, psychotic man. We stood in the cool October night looking at one another. I finally stopped crying. I got it together, and he left.

I went home so shaken and confused. Things had been PERFECT absolutely perfect. He was everything I knew he would be and more. He was so intelligent, he stimulated not only my heart by my mind. Up until that night, I would've sworn he was "the one". After that night, things went downhill fast. He began fighting with me, we would constantly argue and scream at one another. I'll never forget the night he looked at me and told me he hated me. I knew right then, I was in danger. In a conversation we had when we first got together, he told me that he hated anyone he knew he could love, because they would only hurt him in the end. I swore to him I'd never hurt him, I would only support him.

As crazy as it sounds, I still loved him. Even after him threatening my life, following me, cursing me- I still loved him. My heart was broken the next week. He began seeing another woman who worked in the mall. He would stand with her, holding hands and kissing right outside of my store. He knew it hurt me, he knew how to push my buttons. For months, I would cry. I didn't understand how this happened, and why I still had such strong feelings for a man who could potentially murder me.

One day, I woke up, realizing, it's in God's hands. It's out of mine, and he knows what's best. He gave me the opportunity I asked for, even though it didn't turn out as I had planned it. I called Ryan, I told him I wished him nothing but the best with Angela, and that if he loved her, I wished him all the happiness in the world. He broke up with her the next morning. He told me he dated her only to break her. He knew she all sorts of self-help books and had been in bad relationships. He just wanted to know if he could get to her. He never loved her. Never cared from day one.

This is a sick man. He hurts people, just because he can. He messes not only with a woman's head, but her heart too. He lures them in, making them feel safe and special, only to begin the mental and emotional abuse he's endured in the past. It's so sad when someone has to say "You have no idea how much I hate you", in order to say they love you. It was doomed before it began. I still love Ryan. No matter how much I try to deny it, or say I don't. I will always love him. I will always wonder what could've been if he hadn't been so damaged from childhood. If there were a way to close the wounds that cut so deep, that caused the irreversible damage done by abuse.

Over the years, I've learned you can't help anyone who doesn't want to help themselves. Nor can you save anyone but yourself. Those are two of the hardest lessons to learn. Count yourself among the blessed if you have.

Can you hear me?
Am I gettin' through to you?

Is it late there?
There's a laughter on the line
Are you sure you're there alone?

Cause I'm
Tryin' to explain
Something's wrong
Ya just don't sound the same

Why don't you
Why don't you
Go outside
Go outside

Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone too long

If your lips
Feel lonely and thirsty
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn

Keep in mind
We're under the same sky
And the nights
As empty for me as for you
If ya feel
You can't wait till mornin'
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain

Do you miss me?
I hear you say you do
But not the way I'm missin' you

What's new?
How's the weather?
Is it stormy where you are?
Cause you sound so close but it feels like you're so far
Oh would it mean anything ?
If you knew
What I'm left imagining
In my mind In my mind
Would you go
Would you go
Kiss the rain

And you'd fall over me
Think of me
Think of me
Think of me
Only me
Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone too long
If your lips
Feel lonely and tempted
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn

Keep in mind
We're under the same skies
And the nights
As empty for me as for you

If you feel
You can't wait till morning

Kiss the rain

Can ya hear me?
Can ya hear me?
Can ya hear me?"

Do you miss me Ryan? When you hear that song, do you think of me, and only me? I know you do. I know you remember, because I always will.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

A Walk Down Memory Lane....

Maria's performance was extraordinary! "Out Damn Spot!" We went through my apartment screaming that all afternoon. It brought back memories of drama class in high school. Being the immature young adults we were, that was the only line we cared to learn. I suppose we really thought we were getting away with something by saying "damn" in school and getting away with it! Those were the days carefree days of youth. How quickly they fade. We drift apart. People move. People change. People die. Things never stay the same, no matter how hard we try to prevent change.

Was listening to the radio
I heard a song
Reminded me of long ago
Back then I thought that things were never gonna change
It used to be that I never had to feel the pain
I know
that things will never be the same now

I wanna go back
And do it all over
But I can't go back I know
I wanna go back
Cause I'm feeling so much older
But I can't go back I know..."

The three of us sat in my living room floor singing that song at the top of our lungs, laughing and reminiscing of the "good ol' days". We talked about the house Eddie, Eddie and Susan rented in Milligan. The parties we had, the times we shared. My tiny dorm in Knoxville, how I was dreaming big while I crammed for an anatomy final. The football games, parties, social functions- you name it, we did it. People have said for years that "a picture is worth a thousand words". How true. We looked at pictures from our high school and college years. It only seems like yesterday when we were all embracing life as graduates, just beginning in life. The dreams of our futures, and what we would become. Looking back, we've accomplished so much. So often we get lost in what is going wrong, and forget to look at what is going right.

I have a good job, serving those who need me. I have a nice home that I can be proud to entertain in. I'm surrounded by friends who love and support me. I have a loving family who raised me with a good moral background. I've been truly blessed. Sure, I've made some bad choices in life, but it makes things a lot easier when you have people who love you, helping you pick up the pieces.

"Here's to the night's we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye tomorrow's gonna come too soon

Put your name
On the line
Along with place and time

Here's a toast to all those who hear me all to well..."

To life being well lived... Whatever you do, do it with all your heart. Don't look back in anger, it will get you no where.

"Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh, never mind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust
me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you
can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you
really looked.You're not as fat as you imagine..."

Tell me about it...

"Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are
reckless with yours.

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're
behind the race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself."

Wise words it would beneficial for us to remember...

I Decided...

To give "Emma's" son a call. I wanted to thank him for his kindness and understanding. I got his voicemail. I left him a message, just telling him I appreciated the note and would like to meet him at his convience. I left my phone number, but told him he could contact me at the hospital as well. I would've gladly taken him out for a cup of coffee this evening. I wouldn't have been able to chat long. Maria has another performance tonight. Macbeth. A classic that we all know. I've stopped by rehearsal a couple of nights and I must say she's good. I didn't think she'd ever be able to top her performance in "Love's Labor Lost"- although, I must admit, that is my favorite Shakespeare play. I enjoy going to the theatre. There's something magical taking place each time the curtain is pulled. I feel like a child again watching the actors and actresses as the story unfolds. How I loved acting. I often wonder why I didn't follow that dream.

That's for another time. It's time for me to begin getting ready. I'm really looking forward to getting out. It feels so good to feel good. What trouble will the girls get me into after the play? Who knows? I can say this for certain, we will NOT be going back to "Angel" anytime soon! I've had enough drama without having to add Brady into the mix!

I Feel...

Much better today. "Emma's" son came to visit her last night. He left a coffee and tea basket for the staff, and a note for me, thanking me for caring for his mother. He told me he didn't blame me, and not to blame myself. I couldn't have stopped what happened, it's over and we have to go on. I feel so much better. He's forgiven me for what's happened. I know he's able to see the improvement in his mother's condition. She's becoming more stable, responding a lot more to her medications in smaller doses, so thankfully she's not a vegetable anymore. Tracey said she was asleep when he came in, but he knew she was resting peacefully, not in a chemically forced sleep. She's been awake and alert this morning- and talkative! I can't wait to hear what stories she has for me today. I know she'll hate that she missed her son, but I think I might give him a call this afternoon. I'd like to thank him for his compassion and understanding. He's a good man. I want him to know that.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005


"God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change...
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference..."

Such simple words. Why are they so hard to accept? Why can we not accept the things in which we cannot change? Why do we not have the courage to change the things we can? But most of all- why do we lack the wisdom to know the difference? Is it because we choose to turn a blind-eye to things we feel are aren't front and center in our lives? Or perhaps we think we're super-heroes, we can do it all. So often we fail because we fail to try. Then again, we fail because we tried to hard. Finding the happy medimum in life is often difficult. We give up to easily, or beat ourselves up over things we wish had worked out differently. I've been through that this week.

I've beaten myself up for letting a patient down. I've had to realize, that what happened, I cannot change. It was out of my hands. It's in God's. He looks after her. He granted me a place in her life. I have a purpose to serve. I've had to take a step back. Eating a big piece of humble pie is never a tasty meal. Somehow, after eating it, you always seem to feel better. I've made peace with what's happened. It doesn't make it right, but it's over. I'll go in to work in the morning, and care for her and my other patients to the best of my ability. I will go on.

I'm thinking of investing in some nicotine gum- gotta kick this habit!

I'm Going....


Wagon Wheel

Performed by Old Crow Medicine Show

Headed down south to the land of the pines
And I'm thumbin' my way into North Caroline
Starin' up the road
And pray to God I see headlights

I made it down the coast in seventeen hours
Pickin' me a bouquet of dogwood flowers
And I'm a hopin' for Raleigh
I can see my baby tonight

So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama anyway you feel
Hey mama rock me
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me

Runnin' from the cold up in New England
I was born to be a fiddler in an old-time stringband
My baby plays the guitar
I pick a banjo now

Oh, the North country winters keep a gettin' me now
Lost my money playin' poker so I had to up and leave
But I ain't a turnin' back
To livin' that old life no more

So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama anyway you feel
Hey mama rock me
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me

Walkin' to the south out of Roanoke
I caught a trucker out of Philly
Had a nice long toke
But he's a headed west from the Cumberland Gap
To Johnson City, Tennessee

And I gotta get a move on fit for the sun
I hear my baby callin' my name
And I know that she's the only one
And if I die in Raleigh
At least I will die free

So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama anyway you feel
Hey mama rock me
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me

Listening to that song always makes me want to go home, and after all that's happened, I could run right now. I could get on a plane and not look back. Sleep in my old bed listening to the crickets chirping outside of my bedroom window, feel the warm breeze and fresh air of the south. I miss it. I miss me. I can't run- no matter how much I want to... not now.

Monday, November 07, 2005

On A Lighter Note...

Your Personality Profile

You are pure, moral, and adaptable.
You tend to blend into your surroundings.
Shy on the outside, you're outspoken to your friends.

You believe that you live a virtuous life...
And you tend to judge others with a harsh eye.
As a result, people tend to crave your approval.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was arrogant, acting like the dictator of your life.

Your ideal relationship is traditional. Without saying anything, both of you communicate with your hearts.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

All American Kid

Popular but not plastic. Athletic but not a jock. Smart but not a brain.

You were well rounded and well liked in high school.

  • Not A Typical Night...
  • Life- As I Know It...
  • Last Night...
  • Tonight...
  • Wednesday Night...
  • Run Baby Run...
  • I Can't Believe It...
  • Now That I'm Relatively Calm...
  • One Beautiful Sunday...
  • Dreams Do Come True...
  • Most Wonderful Night...
  • Most Magical Night Of My Life...
  • What Were The Chances...
  • Time Heals All Wounds...
  • Sparkling Sangria...

  • MySpace Icon Collage

  • The Pirate King...
  • Mikey's Subway Chick...
  • Olivia AKA: Elliot's Woman...
  • Elliot Stabler...
  • The Woman Who Has To Deal With Mike...
  • Support From Day One...
  • Paranoid Detective...
  • My Aunt Is Not As Old As This Man...
  • A Dear, Precious Friend...
  • Life...As I Know It...
  • My Penguin Pal...
  • Displaced New Yorker...
  • Amy...
  • Janice...
  • Deb...
  • Faye...
  • Jules...
  • Hannala...
  • A Year In The Life Of...
  • Let Me Go On And On...
  • Inspiration Comes Easy...
  • Kara's Place...
  • Nights in Rodanthe...
  • Malcolm's Page...
  • Castle Shima...
  • Agape...
  • Betty On The Beach...
  • Sunshine Lipstick...
  • Go With The Flow...
  • Slackers With Advanced Degrees...
  • Hollow...
  • The Wildest Woman I Know...
  • Nice Guys Finish Last...
  • Musings & Mad Ramblings...
  • Another Very Dark Place...
  • Laura Elizabeth...
  • Suzanne...
  • Lorrie...
  • Tess...
  • Never Forget...
  • In Memory...