On Holidays....

They come out of the woodwork. People you haven't talked to in months- years even, the come out of nowhere to ruin your day. I woke up in a good mood, really looking forward to the start of a new year. The first phone call of the day. I'm expecting Susan, Maria, Allison, maybe even Chuck- Not Brady. Damn. Why did he feel the need to call me? Here I am trying to have a good day, make positive changes in my life, and the biggest pig I know, calls me, wanting to go out tonight. WRONG! I'm not in the mood to hear about HIS apartment on 5th Avenue, and HIS Mercedes, and HIS Condo in Fiji. Me, Me, Me- that's all Brady is about. A 42 year old man with the maturity of 15 year old. Wait, I know 15 year olds who are more mature! Ugh! Pissed me off right away! I got rid of him, luckily Chuck was beeping in on the other line.

I answered Chuck more than annoyed. I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone else. I know I had to be quite the bitch to him. He told me he'd like to take me out for dinner and dancing tonight. Getting to dress up, wearing a ball gown and be treated like a princess is right down my alley! My day turned around in a hurry. What gown to wear? I want to look stunning. I'm letting my hair down, and going to have a good time tonight. I'm starting my resolution of "loosening up" tonight. I'm tired of analyzing every little move and wondering where things are going. I'm living for the minute. I've said it over and over, I'm not guaranteed another day on this earth- and I'm going to live each day as if it were my last.

No, I won't be the man I'd really like to be with, but right now, that's just not possible. If you can't be with the one you love- then love the one you're with *LOL*. I think that's my new motto!

I think I'm going to call Olivia and ask if I can borrow her dress from the ball. Classy yet trashy. That's the look I'm going for tonight. I don't think Olivia will be wearing the dress again for awhile, so I'm sure it's going to be a go. Shoes- covered. I think I'm going to go pour a glass of Asti and begin celebrating- Happy New Years Everyone!

A New Year...

Ah, the memories I have of this day. From my teenage years, all the way until today. I can remember being so drunk that I didn't neven know it was New Years's, and then the next year, spending it alone, wondering where I had gone wrong. New Year's Eve is a cleansing holiday to me. It symbolizes another year over, and a few new one that is to come. A new year- a new chance to make things right. A chance to change, a chance to grow, a chance to live a better life. Every year, we make resolutions that are typically broken within a few months if not weeks. It's fun, just to see how many you can stick with. Typically, the only ones I've ever stuck with, are the one's that really counted. This year, I want to live more spontaneously, to go where I want to go, whenever I want to- after all, I live in New York City! There's so much to do, and so little time!

I want to lighten up. Life was meant to be lived. It's time I stopped taking every little thing so seriously. Finally, I want to be a better person. I want to give of myself to others, to make things a little better for those around me.

I don't think those are unreasonable things to strive for- and things that I can attain if I keep myself open to new ideas and focused. I plan on going out tonight and living. I don't know where I'll be celebrating tonight, or who with, but I know this much, I'll make the most of my evening, wherever I am. I will live life to the fullest tonight!

Long December...

A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leavin'
Now the days go by so fast

And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...I wish you would

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl

And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California...I think you should

Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her

And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean...I guess I should
Related:

Three Question...

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

Beauty In Everyday...

It's been so long since I've taken the time to notice small things that bring joy to me. Like the ray of sunshine emanating through my window, so are the things of simplicity that bring me joy. I so often focus on things of complexity, that I forget about simplicity. Sometimes, answers to many questions I have are right in front of my face. I'm just looking for something so complex that I can't see something so simple. Such is life.

Quote of the Day: Adversus solem ne loquitor

Nec Possum Tecum Vivere, Nec Sine Te...

So true, so true.

Last night, after teaching ballet, I felt utterly alone for some reason. After seeing the mothers coming to take their beautiful little ballerina's home, I realized, I have no one to go home to- no husband, no children, just the silence of my apartment. I'm not looking for a relationship right now. Even though I wanted one badly, it's not the right time. I just don't have the energy to even bring that up right now- that's for another day, another time.

I decided to do something different. I decided to go out and be spontaneous. To be sexy, young and free. Take a chance, make a change. Embrace life. I went through my closet until I found the sexiest outfit I owned. I pulled out a black lace push up bra that I bought from Fredrick's of Hollywood, but have never worn. I was dressed much more provocative than usual. I put on a spritz of my favorite perfume, Addict, and I was out the door. I hailed a cab, and told him to simply drive. I looked up and down the streets in search of something new. I'd found it. I told the driver to stop. On 49th, I found what I'd been looking for- Bliss. The name said it all.

As I walked in, I turned many heads. I felt good to be desired for a change. I went to the bar and found an empty stool. As I ordered my Jack and Coke, a ruggedly handsome man told the bartender to put it on his tab. He introduced himself. His name was Chuck Hammond. He was in his 40's, great- I like older, distinguished men. I nearly bolted when he told me what he did for a living. Yes, you guessed correctly, he's a detective for the NYPD. The last thing I want is to get involved with another detective, but then it occurred to me "I'm not looking for anything from this man. I'm not looking to get into a relationship with him, I'm not looking for anything but a few drinks, dances and a good time"- so I sat and chatted with him.

He was an interesting man, very insightful and charming. He just wasn't doing it for me though. I must admit, it was nice having someone flirting shamelessly with me, and the free drinks didn't hurt a thing. As the night went on, he asked me to dance. I was lit like a roman candle, so I gladly accepted. He held me a lot closer than I would've liked. I started to push him away, then I had another epiphany. "Stop being such a frigid bitch, Chloe', live a little", I thought to myself, and continued to dance. We shared some good conversation, a few dances, and a whole lot of drinks.

I have no idea how much I had to drink. Things started getting kinda fuzzy around midnight. It wasn't pretty. I remember sitting on Chuck's lap while he was doing shots of something. I knew I wasn't feeling it. I thanked him for all of the drinks and the company. I did give him my number, and a kiss for spending his evening with me. I doubt that I'll ever go out with him again, but it was nice to have someone to just let loose with. I stumbled out of the bar. I could barely walk, and nearly fell twice. I have no idea who caught me and held me up, I didn't bother to turn around and see. God knows I didn't want to, and at that point, nor did I care. I just stumbled out into the cold New York night, caught a cab and went home.

I have two messages on my answering machine. Any guesses who they're from? I don't think I even want to listen to them. Hangovers are a bitch.

Horas non numero nisi serenas...

So true... So true. Speaking dead languages, a past hobby of mine. I'm a little rusty, as I haven't been praticing in a LONG time. I had made a decision to invest more time in Chloe', and less time in worrying about EVERYTHING else. Tonight, I begin teaching ballet with a co-worker. Nurses teaching ballet, let me guess, you've seen it all now. I was once a great dancer. I performed in many ballets while in college. Ballet was a passion of mine, although once I became a nurse, it took an unfortunate "backseat".

Ballet is a very delicate art. It is true that in any ballet the dancers will have different physiques with different proprioceptive responses. The choreographer who performs in his or her own work will find that their own body has a distinct style of movement that defines the way it will respond. It is critical that this is understood before you can convey the art correctly.

Seeing all of the young women aspiring to be the next Marie Taglioni, the woman I consider to be the BEST ballerina of all time, will be like watching myself growing up all over again. Marie was born in Stockholm, Sweden and trained by her father, Filippo Taglioni, an Italian dancer and choreographer. Marie propelled to international prominence when she introduced "La Sylphide", at the Paris Opera in 1832. She wore a diaphanous dress with a belled skirt that inspired the classic tutu. Her exquisitely graceful dancing started the romantic period in ballet which lasted until the mid-1840's. Audiences all over Europe idolized her. She became one of the most important ballerinas of the Romantic movement.

Yes, the romantic period was by far, my favorite in ballet history. I have studied many ballets from the "Romantic Movement", and will be teaching in accordance with such. Mademoiselle Chloe', that has a nice ring to it. Perhaps one day I will choreography a ballet as great as "Giselle" or "La Sylphide". I'm dreaming again. I suppose it never hurts to dream.

Borrowed Quiz...

EIGHT FRIENDS

List eight of your friends. (Variation on a myspace survey)

1 Susan
2 Maria
3 Jake
4 Justin
5 Alex
6 Olivia
7 Bobby
8 Ebony

1.When/ how did you meet number 6?

I met Olivia almost 3 years ago when I was working triage in the ER. She was interviewing a victim. We've stayed in contact over the years professionally and socially.


2.Why are you friends with 3?

He's one of the sweetest people in this world, and someone I'm so thankful to have in my life.


3. Is 7 in a relationship?

*LOL* That would be a big NO.


4.Have you kissed 2?

On the cheek.


5.Have you hugged 4?

Of course- I hug all of my friends.


6. Have you done anything sexual with 6?

No, we're both straight, so it just wouldn't work out.


7.Would 1 and 8 make a good couple?

Once again, they're both straight, so it just wouldn't work out.


8.How long have you known 2?

For six years.


9.Would you ever kiss number 7?

Yes, I've kissed Bobby many times.


10.What's a good memory with 5?

Pulling her off of the bar at the Detective's Ball.


11.Ever hugged 8?

Of course! I hug all my friends!


12.Do you like 1?

Yes, she's one of my best friends!


13.Is 5 nice?

Absolutely!


14.How did you meet 3?

I met him through his boyfriend, and a dear friend of mine, Justin. We ended up working together at Proffitts' as well.


15.Who makes you laugh?

Everyone listed. They've all done something insane to bring a smile to my face.


16.Who makes you smile?

All of them. They're each one dear to me.


17.When was the last time you talked to 1?

About an hour ago.


18.Would 3 and 6 make a cute couple?

Well, if Jake was straight maybe.


19.Does 8 love you?

Yes, she's like a sister to me!


20.Do you see 3 a lot?

No :0( I wish I did


21.Describe 4 in 3 sentences.

He smokes while carving the Thanksgiving turkey. He has a good heart. He and I share a brain.


22.What would you buy 1 for their birthday?

A bottle of Ralph Lauren Blue- Her favorite perfume.


23.Have you traveled anywhere with 5?

No.


24.Do you have fun with 7?

I have the time of my life with him.


25. Is 2 a cool person?

Absolutely!


26.Who is the loudest?

Olivia


27.Do any of them get on your nerves sometimes?

No, not really?


28.Do you know when 8's birthday is?

Yes, December 1st, 1979


29.What do you really think of 2?

She's an awesome friend!


30.Best memory with 7?

Going to the Detective's Ball with him. I can't honestly say I have a bad memory.


31.Does 1 even know you?

That's a stupid question.


32.Is 5 happy?

I believe as happy as she can be.


33.Does 8 live close?

No :0(


34.Do you have any classes with 5?

I'm not in school...


36.Are you and 1 close?

Absolutely!


37.Do you wanna kiss 2?

No!


38.Is 6 a good person?

Absolutely.


39.Does 2 own a car?

Nope.


40. Describe 1 in one word?

Precious.


41. How many of them have you slept with?

None. One I would consider *winks*


42. Whats the best thing about 2?

She has a big heart and an open mind.


43. What is 4's favorite color?

Black


44. What is 1's favorite thing to do?

Smoke.


45. One thing you wish you could tell 6?

That it's ok that she's in love with her partner, everyone already knows, it's time she admitted it to herself as well.

Shimmer...

"Sharing with us what he knows
Shining eyes are big and blue
And all around him water flows
This world to him is new
This world to him is new

To touch a face
To kiss a smile
New eyes see no race
the essence of a child
the essence

He's born to shimmer,
He's born to shine
He's born to radiate
He's born to live,
He's born to love
But we'll teach him how to hate

And true love it is a rock
Smoothed over by a stream
No ticking of a clock
Truly measures what that means
Truly measures what that means

And this thing they call our time
I heard a brilliant woman say
She said you know it's crazy
how I want to try and capture mine
I think I love this woman's way
I think I love this woman

The way she shimmers,
The way she shines
The way she radiates
The way she lives,
The way she loves
The way she never hates

Sometimes I think of all this that can surround me
I know it all as being mine
But she kisses me and and wraps herself around me
She gives me love, she gives me time
Yeah, and I, I feel fine
Yeah, I feel fine

But time I cannot change
So here's to looking back
You know I drink a whole bottle
of my pride, and I toast to change
To keep these demons off my back
Just get these demons off my back

Cause I want to shimmer,
I want to shine
I want to radiate
I want to live,
I want to love
I want to try to learn
how not to hate
try not to hate

We're born to shimmer
We're born to shine
We're born to radiate
We're born to live,
We're born to love
We're born to never hate"

Merry Christmas...

I know I've been taking a break, and I probably won't be here daily as I was before, but it just felt right to share Christmas with everyone. I celebrated my third "New York Christmas" today. Getting up wasn't exactly fun, after a packed church last night for Mass, I came home wired. For me, it isn't Christmas without Mass. I had two of the people I loved most in the world beside of me, Susan and Maria. It meant so much to be with my friends. I've spent so much time lately focusing on what I don't have, that I forgot to be thankful for what I do have. They both spent the night at my apartment last night. I nearly drove them crazy because as soon as we got home from Mass, I made them watch Mass with the Pope. I enjoyed it as always, but without Pope John Paul, it's just not the same. He'll always have a special place in my heart.

This morning, we got up and opened presents. You would've thought we were three children the way we ran to the tree and began grabbing gifts. We laughed and screamed as we opened each gift- knowing exactly what the other wanted. We spent most of the morning together until Ethan got home from work, then Susan was heading for his house, and Maria went to see Cody. I was alone for the first time, and happy. It didn't matter that right now, Bobby and I are only friends. I'm happy. I'm happy to have him in my life period. Right now, we're not on the same page or should I say, wanting the same things, and that's ok. He means the world to me, and I'm just glad he's stood by my side after all that's happened.

I knew he was most likely alone last night, he was working a double shift, and I felt bad about him being alone on Christmas. I called him a few minutes ago, just to let him know I was thinking of him, and hoped he'd had a good Christmas. It was really good just to talk to him again. There was no tension, no apprehension, everything is what it is, and nothing more. I'm happy, for the first time in a long time.

In Memory...

Of Laci and Conner Peterson December 24th, 2002. "May you find comfort in the arms of the angels"

The Most Exquisite "Suite" In The World...

I had a phenomenal time tonight! It was just what I needed! Ballet was one of my passions, one I let slip away after moving to the city. Seeing the Nutcracker tonight, brought it all back to life. It awakened parts in my soul that I thought were lost forever. When the dancers came out to begin, a shiver went straight down my spine. The grace and essence, it overwhelmed me. The beauty of the act of dancing itself moved me to tears. The stage and set- breathtaking. Every single detail- covered. A large luxurious house with the most beautiful tree anyone could possibly imagine. The party begins to grow very festive as the night rolls on, the dancing and joy abound as godfather Drosselmeyer arrives. This had always been one of my favorite parts of the ballet.

Godfather Drosselmeyer arrives with two exquisitely crafted life-size dolls. The expression on the face of the dancers light the entire room. Each taking a turn to dance. As the children begin to open their gifts, the expression little Clara's face is that of sheer joy. She holds her prized nutcracker, that is absolutely breathtaking. Out of anger, her brother Fritz, takes The Nutcracker, and breaks it. I began to cry along with Clara. You could see the pain her eyes as her prized possession was propmtly taken from her as quickly as she received it.

Her tears were quickly dried as Drosselmeyer lays his "magic handkerchief" upon The Nutcracker, repairing him. The delighted child is unable to sleep for worry about her beloved Nutcracker, sneaking down the stairs to check on him.

At the stroke of midnight, the magic began. The entire theater came to life. All of the toys around the tree come to life, and the stage fills with the army of mice lead by the fierce Mouse King. Clara watches in fear as one by one, the wicked Mouse King's army knocks down The Nutcracker's army, capturing her beloved Nutcracker. I felt the passion as she threw her ballet slipper at the Mouse King, knocking him right in the head. I smiled a smug smile as the mice carried their leader off of the stage. While Clara runs to reclaim her most prized possession.

When the Nutcracker turned into a prince, escorting her to the Land of Snow, it was like watching angels beginning to dance. The falling snowflakes were like diamonds falling from the sky. As they traveled from land to land, the dances become more graceful, detailed, moving.

The finale brought me to tears. Watching the dance,Pas De Deux, between the Sugar Plum Fairy and the Cavalier rekindled my deep love of ballet. I reminded me of all the things I had been missing. I didn't want it to end. As we exited the theater, I felt a sense of magic in the air. Allison knew how much I loved the ballet, and was so pleased she was able to share this experience with me. I gave her a big hug, thanking her for being such a good friend and giving me this gift. I told her this was the best gift anyone could've given me. I couldn't have received anything better!

We enjoyed our dinner at Darbar. I requested that we be seated on the second level. I LOVE sitting just below the skyline ceiling. The atmosphere is so relaxing. The lovely instrumentals that were playing were taken from some of the most melodic Hindi films. We started the meal with an order of reshmi kebab and for the main course, naturally I had the cilantro - pesto tandoori shrimp. If you're a shrimp lover, this is YOUR dish! It's a dish with jumbo shrimp marinated with cilantro and pesto, yum! I left there eating way more than I had planned! If I don't eat breakfast in the morning, I'll probably still be full from dinner tonight!

I had such a wonderful "girls night out". I thanked Allison. She suggested that we get together with Deborah and Grethen next week. Absolutely. I'm looking forward to re-connecting with some of my old friends and getting out more. I've looked at the same four walls for too long.

PS: I think I have my links fixed now. If your link is not listed, and it has been or you wish for it to be, please let me know. I didn't have a backup list of links so I did the best I could for memory. If you are not listed, it is not personal :0).

Magical...

Tonight, I'm going to be going to see the NYC Ballet perform "The Nutcracker". I absoutely LOVE ballet, and fondly remember performing in "The Nutcracker" while in college. There's something simply magical about that ballet. Ballet in itself is a beautiful, delicate art- one that's not easily understood. It's an art that must be felt deep in the heart and soul, and expressed through the dance. Your body moves as your soul guides you. True passion, expressed through dance. I couldn't believe that Allison was able to get tickets to tonights performance. Lana's husband had purchased the for her quite awhile back, but due to the failing health of his mother, will be unable to attend. Allison knew how much I loved the ballet, and thought of me instantly.

I gladly accepted the invitation. I got ready and went down into the city. A new dress is certainly in order for this occasion. I went from store to store. Saks, Donna Karan, Bloomingdales, Macy's, everywhere in search of "the perfect black dress". Finally, it had been found. Very sleek and elegant, classy, yet provocative. Provocative, it's time I embraced my sensuality. I am a woman. It's time I let loose and felt like one. I went to see Jimmy, my hair stylist. I was long overdue for a trim. Then, it was time for nails. I had a nice french manicure and pedicure. It was soooooooo relaxing. I didn't want to get out of the chair when she was finished!

Allison suggested mentioned going to Darbar for dinner after the ballet. She knows how much I love Indian food, and unfortunate for me, none of my other friends have the same appreciation for it as me. Cilantro - Pesto Tandoori Shrimp is my FAVORITE dish. I'm really looking forward to this!

I'm so glad Allison called me. I miss getting out into the city and enjoying culture. I love the arts. Music, ballet, art- I love it all. When Allison and I first became friends, she introduced me to "Starry Nights". If you love jazz and mouthwatering tapas, then make sure you're at the Rose Center For Earth and Space, the first friday of every month. I haven't been in so long. I have a feeling on January 6th, I'll be there.

I've gotten so wrapped up in taking care of others, I've forgotten to take care of Chloe'. As much as I love "Emma", the drive to Carmel is draining me. I care for her, but I'm too close to the situation. I'm going to have to step back. I'd like to transfer back to the city. Brandy is back from maternity leave, and they've basically made a place for me at Carmel Ridge. If I transfer back to the city, I won't be leaving anyone in a rough spot. Being back in the city will be good for me, I'll be able to be Chloe' again, have more time for the things I love and people I enjoy. I'll still go see "Emma", she's a precious person, and someone I care deeply for, but it's time for me to move on professionally.

Reflections...

When we look inside, what do we really see? I didn't get much sleep last night, emotions seeped through my veins, making me uncomfortable in my own skin. Last week was a week full of ups and downs, highs and lows. I had the time of my life and my heart broken. I had the date of my dreams, and the loss of loved a dearly loved friend. So many things are on my mind, so many things to sort though. One thing is for certain: We don't have much time here. We have to make the most of the life we have, and the cards we're dealt. Things will happen that bring us so low, we feel as if we'll never get up again- but we do. Things will happen that take us so high, we feel as if we'll never come down- but we do. The things that take place in between these two- life, as we know it.

Hopefully...

All of my links will be back soon. I had the brilliant idea to play with different templates, and when I attempted to replace my links, everything went crazy. Hopefully, I'll figure out what's wrong and have them up soon!

I Understand All To Well...

Spend all your time waiting, for that second chance
For the break that will make it okay
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction or a beautiful release
Memories seep through my vains
Let me be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight


In the arms of the angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you feel
You were pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel; may you find some comfort here


So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escape one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees


In the arms of the angel, far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you feel
You were pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel; may you find some comfort here


In the arms of the angel; may you find some comfort here

Clearer...

After a good night's sleep, my mind is always more clear. I've let my grief and the stress of life cloud my judgment. I feel really badly for jumping to conclusions and assuming. Yes, I made an ass of myself. I'm thankful to Nikia for putting my ass in it's rightful place, and bringing me back down to earth. I'm not God's gift to men. Men aren't just going to fall at my feet and worship me. I can't just sit pretty and expect to get what I want. I have to take initiative- and that will be done.

I need to get ready for Mass. I love going to church, but even more so during Advent. I love the greenery and all of the ponsiettas in the church, it's so festive and makes everything come to life. Church will be harder for me today. I've been thinking of Verna. I know her funeral is today, and I wish I was there. I know she can hear me, and I know she knows I love her- that's all that really matters.

Needed...

After feeling like a complete ass, a phone call from some dear friends was a blessing. After losing someone dear to me, and finding out I wasn't exactly what I thought I was to someone else, the last thing I needed to do was sit at home. Ginger, a nurse from my old hospital called me tonight. She and a few of the other nurses were going out, and wanted to touch base with me. It was a welcome, and much needed invitation. I certainly didn't want to sit here all night long thinking and wondering what I did wrong. I gladly accepted. I got ready to go out on the town.

As I was putting on my clothes, the phone rang. Sure enough, it was Bobby. I just didn't feel like talking to him right then, so I let the machine get it. I'll get around to calling him sometime later. Ginger couldn't wait to hear all of the details. We found a booth in the back of the bar where I proceeded to catch Ginger, Nikia, and Kim about everything that had happened with Bobby over the past couple of months. After hearing about how things had been going, they were a little surprised that I wasn't out with him tonight.

I explained that he only saw me as a friend, and felt I was too young and inexperienced. Nikia put my ass in it's place. "Sister, you ain't Scarlet' O'Hara, and you ain't living in the Old South, you have to take what you want, you can't be expectin' no man in NYC to read your mind". Is it really that simple? Is it honestly, that HE thinks that I am not interested? Hmmmmmmmm, you know, that never even occurred to me? I thought it was more than painfully obvious. I mean, I kissed the man like I wanted to jump his bones, but I've never outright said, I really want something more than friendship.

I don't know. I need to step back. There are a lot of things to consider. I do want him, I do want more than a friendship. I am strong and independent. I know what I want, but I'm not going to force myself onto a man who's not interested in me. I'll spend some time away from him. He's under a lot right now, and probably won't miss me too much.

I enjoyed the rest of my night. It was so good to spend time with my friends. I hadn't really been out in awhile. We had a few drinks and sang karaoke. Everyone knows how much I love to sing. I sang Material Girl and Like a Virgin. I was on a Madonna kick tonight! I need to get out more often. I really miss the hospital. Being at Carmel Ridge is great. I love the care I'm able to provide for my patients, but I miss the social aspect as well as the challenge presented in a hospital. Something else I'm excited about, Ginger is teaching ballet and jazz two nights a week, and could use an extra instructor. She asked if I'd be interested. I would LOVE to! I miss dance, and with the years of experience I have, she knew I'd make a wonderful instructor. I'll be starting with that on tuesday. I've got a lot of good things that will be happening for me.

In Memory...

I love you Momma Verna, you will be missed...


BRISTOL, Tenn. – Verna Lee Fulton, 77, died Thursday, Dec. 15, 2005, at her residence.
She was born Sept. 18, 1928, in Bristol Tennessee, the daughter of the late Vernon and Goldie Leonard. She was a member of the Calvary Baptist Church. She was a sales associate of Proffitt's for 13 years and a former manager of Lerners for 35 years.
She was the widow of Albert Frank Fulton. She was preceded in death by a son, Thomas Wayne Fulton, a half-sister, Margaret White, and a brother-in-law, Ray Kestner.
Survivors include two sisters, Lois Campbell and husband Sammy of Abingdon and Jean Kestner of Johnston City; two nieces, Lisa Reedy of Durham, N.C., and Sabrina Gabriel and husband Bill of Abingdon; two nephews, Chris Reedy of Tucson, Ariz., and Phil White and wife Jane of Morgantown, W.Va.; great-niece, Anna Lee Gabriel, and great-nephew, Jackson Campbell Gabriel, both of Abingdon; and a special friend, C.J. Kolb.

Funeral services for Verna Lee Fulton will be conducted at 4 p.m. Sunday, Dec. 18, 2005, in the Weaver Funeral Home Chapel, Bristol Tennessee, with Pastor Tony Trunnell officiating. The family will receive friends at the Weaver Funeral Home Sunday from 2 p.m. until the time of the service at 4 p.m. Burial will be private. Those wishing to express sympathy online to the family of Mrs. Fulton may do so at www.frostfuneralhome.com.
Frost Funeral Home, 250 E. Main St., Abingdon, (276) 628-2131, is serving the family of Mrs. Verna Lee Fulton.

It's Easier When You Understand...

After work today, Bobby called me on my way home, to make sure I was ok. That was it. Something is up, and I need to know what's really, going on here? He cares about me, yes, but he's not the type of man to call me more than five times a day just to check on me? Once, twice a day, ok, not seven. Never seven. I asked him flat out "What's going on? This is not you, and this is not normal". He was silent for a moment, then admitted, he's worried about me, because of a case. He said he didn't want to talk about it over the phone, that he would come to my apartment after work, and tell me everything. I felt better knowing he was going to tell me what he's so scared of, and why. I was perplexed, what did I have to do with one of his cases? Is someone after him? Does someone want to hurt him? Me? What's going on? I just couldn't figure it out.

I got home and checked my messages and fed Morris, looked through my mail and relaxed a bit. I hadn't been home long before I heard Bobby knocking on my door. I let him in and could see the anguish on his face, I hugged him tightly, holding him. I could tell he just needed a hug. He held my hand as we walked to the couch, sitting down, he held my hand tighter. "Chloe', there was someone at the dance wednesday, someone dangerous", he began. "A woman with a case file the size of a phone book, a woman who", he said, unable to go on. I rubbed his hand, assuring him it was ok, no matter what he had to say, I'll support him, as my friend, my very best friend and as, I don't dare say it yet. He went on to explain the woman's entire past, her daughter, and the line of those left dead who came into her life. She treats people and their lives like a tissue, using it when she needs it, then throwing it away like it's nothing. The hardest thing for Bobby to admit to me, was that he had feelings for her. He couldn't explain them. She is deplorable. A spawn of Satan himself. Yet, he saw something in her that no one else did, and he couldn't explain it.

I smiled at him, knowing exactly what he meant, and where he was coming from- I knew he was totally in shock. I'm sure he figured after admitting to me he still carried feelings for another woman, that he would lose me right then and there. He could never lose me, I'm here for him, and before anything else, I'm his friend- a person he can talk to without being judged, a shoulder he can cry on if he needs to, a person to share a laugh with, or a heartbreaking story. I'm here, now and always. I'm a much stronger woman than Bobby realizes. Yes, I am younger than him, younger than the tart that haunts him, but I am wise beyond my years. Age comes with experience, and trust me, I've experienced more in my life than he could possibly imagine.

I knew that after I explained to him my relationship with Benjamin, he would understand. It's one I rarely discuss. Benjamin is servicing a life sentence in a prison in Illinois. After telling Bobby everything, I'm not exactly ready to discuss it again here, but just know, he's the male counterpart to Bobby's Nicole. Benjamin is so far beyond redemption that hope is all but gone. Has that taken away the love in my heart for him? No. Do I think about him and what could've been? Absolutely. Does he haunt my memory and drive me crazy when I let him? You know it. It's something I fight daily, and rarely speak of, it's not something I'm exactly comfortable sharing, much less admitting to myself.

I never thought I'd meet someone who would understand, who could understand. Susan and Maria go nuts and tell me I really need to "talk to someone" when I even mention his name, or wonder how he's doing. Bobby had no idea. I know he thought I'd always been involved with these kind, "Southern Gentlemen" type of men. We all have a tainted past, even me. Bobby admitted because he believes Nicole still carries feelings for him, that I might be in danger. I'm not afraid. I'm not guaranteed my next breath of air, and I'm not going anywhere until the good Lord is ready to take me. I won't live my life in fear, and I won't hide. I'm sure not going to stop seeing the man I care for, just because some mentally unstable woman cares for him as well. The pieces all fit now. The apprehension in our relationship. He's afraid of the baggage he carries, that I just wouldn't understand, that I couldn't handle it. I can handle it. I am strong enough.

Bobby felt better getting everything out. He put his cards on the table, he was brutally honest, as was I. We shared deep things, personal things that hurt us, that scared us, but yet, made us who we are today. We all have demons, it's how you deal with them that determines who you are, and what you will become.

Sleepless... Again

It's after 2:00am, and I'm nowhere near sleepy. Bobby was so sweet this morning. He called around 11:00am, just to see how I was this morning. He thanked me again for a wonderful time and told me Alex as a sight to see. I could only imagine. I honestly can't believe she showed up for work this morning. I believe I would still be in bed if I were her. He didn't have a lot of time, but told me he'd call me back, he'd like for me to meet him for lunch later. I got up, and got in the shower, making sure I'd be ready when he called.

He called around 1:00pm, he said he just needed to hear my voice. I could tell something was wrong, something he wasn't telling me. Anymore, it's nothing for him to call, but to call just because he needed to hear my voice, that's another thing entirely. It was as if he was afraid something was going to happen to me. Even though he didn't ask, I assured him I was fine, and told him I'd meet him around 1:30pm. I've never seen him that uneasy. He was constantly looking around, unable to hold focus on anything. I made him look at me. He admitted there was a case that was bothering him, one that he just couldn't figure out. Even though I've only known Bobby a few months, I know he's one of the best detectives in New York, so for him to be stumped, it must be big. I tried re-assuring him that he'll get whomever it is, that he'll find them. Even though I met him at the diner, he drove me back my apartment, and walked me to the door. Completely strange. He came in for just a moment, he hugged me tightly, held me a little longer than usual, gave me a kiss, and was on his way out.

I shut the door feeling very uneasy. There's something he'd not telling me. I jumped when the phone rang. It was Bobby, wanting to make sure I'd locked my door. I told him yes, and not to worry so much. I could hear it in his voice. He was worried. Bobby's not a man who's easily scared. I have no idea who the person is he's trying to protect me from. I haven't received any threatening letters or phone calls. I live in a safe building, and I do take precautions when I'm out. After such a wonderful night, something has shaken him up. He asked me something really odd, he asked me if I was sure I had my film from my camera last night. I checked my purse, and it was there. I was going to get it developed after lunch, but since he brought me home, I decided I wasn't going to go back out into the cold just for pictures. He told me he'd take them, and would get double prints, because he wanted some copies for himself. We did take some great pictures.

Speaking of pictures, that brings me to a lighter note. I know I have some of Mike and Alex that are just wrong, but one I remember taking of Elliot and Olivia... I need to call her. Mike seems to think he spent the night at Elliot's place last night. God only knows where he was, I'm not sure if he knows where he is right now? There were a lot of things I needed to get done today, but I didn't seem to do any of them. I'm concerned about Bobby. I don't want him worrying about me. I know whatever is going on, it will work itself out. He'll catch whomever it is, it's only a matter of time. I really need to try to get some sleep, 6:00am comes early.

The Most Magical Night Of My Life...

I can't begin to tell you what a wonderful time I've had tonight. Butterflies doesn't even begin to tell the story. I began getting ready at 3:00pm. Yes, you heard me correctly, 3:00pm. I had to be PERFECT when Bobby came to get me. Every hair in place, make-up flawless, and a dress to die for! I completely understand what Bridget Jones meant when she had an underwear dilemma. "Do I wear tiny knickers or knickers that will make it more likely for the knickers to be seen?" No, I had no intentions of going to bed with Bobby tonight, but I did want to look the best in my dress. I was poured into that thing like Marilyn was when she sang "Happy Birthday" to JFK! I didn't care. It was time for me to be sexy again. Even if I'm not trying to go to bed with the man, I would like for him to find me sexy as well as beautiful. I added a hint of shimmer powered to my chest, as if I really need to enhance my cleavage! Jewelry. I put on a beautiful pair of diamond stud earrings, and a diamond cuff bracelet. I decided to wear my long winter white gloves after all. They just seemed so classy, and would look so beautiful with my wrist corsage.

I already knew what the corsage was going to be. Susan can't keep a secret- she had already told me what my corsage looked like. He called her asking what color my dress was, so he'd know what color to make the corsage. The corsage was going to be three red roses, symbolizing the three months we've known one another. My heart melted. I looked at the clock, it was 5:30pm, and the doorbell rang. My heart stopped. It was time. Maria opened the door and let invited Bobby in- I've never seen him speechless. I was standing in the living room as he walked in, seeing me for the first time in my evening gown. "You look absolutely stunning", he finally said, walking up to me, kissing my cheek nervously like a young man picking up his prom date. He handed me a box that had my corsage in it. As I opened it, he took it out and put it on my wrist. Three red roses, just as Susan had said. He explained to me that he chose three roses for the three months we've known each other, and the three dances we've shared. That was the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done. I went to get his boutonniere. When I returned he was holding another box. He smiled as I pinned his single red rose on the black tux. Then he handed me the small box. .

I opened it, and had to hold back tears. It was a beautiful diamond and ruby heart necklace. I had to hold back tears, fanning my face with my hands, trying not to cry. I looked up at him and smiled. I took the necklace out of the box, and he put it on me. I felt like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman when Richard Gere was taking her to the Opera. I hugged him and kissed his cheek, thanking him for the beautiful necklace.


Ethan showed up just in time, he and Susan exchanged corsages and we were off to Fino's for our Dinner/Dance. I actually saw several people I knew when we arrived. Olivia Benson was there with her partner, Elliot Stabler. She swears they're only friends, but you couldn't have proven that by the way he was holding onto her. Then again, with that dress, I couldn't blame him- she looked great! Alex and Mike were there and already having a great time at the bar. I saw a disaster in the making, it's not good when you're getting all glassy-eyed at 7:00pm. Dinner was wonderful, everyone was so friendly. Bobby took a lot of teasing. I'm assuming he didn't date much, because there were a lot of men slapping him on the back asking him how much he had to pay to get a woman like me to come with him. It was kinda cute, but I did feel a little sorry for him. Around 8:00pm the dancing began. I had the time of my life. I love to dance, and so does Bobby. With a little alcohol in her, Alex Eames is one hell of a dancer! I really felt like I needed to keep an eye on her, she was hitting the bottle pretty heavy. When she tried to climb on the bar to dance, I had to go pull her down. Don't get wrong, I've danced on my share of bars in my day, but I just didn't quite think Alex wanted her co-workers to see that. She'll be catching hell over being there with Mike Logan anyway!

As the night went on Bobby and I danced and danced. One dance, however, I'll remember for the rest of my life. The song "You and Me" by Lifehouse was playing. Bobby pulled me close to him, closer than we've danced in a long time. I don't know if it was the alcohol lowering his inhibitions or he just needed to be close to me, but as the song played I looked up into his eyes...

"What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive"

And I kissed him. Yes, I made the move. He wrapped his arms around me tightly, that was the deepest, most heartfelt kiss I've ever had. Afterwards, he looked into my eyes and smiled, my heart melted right then. I layed my head on his shoulder until the end of the song. God, I never wanted that song to end. He held my hand as we walked back to our table. Alex was sitting on Mike's lap, and well, I'm not going to comment what looked to be taking place. I was in shock. They were totally wasted. I mean, beyond trashed. If you had seen them dancing to "At Last"- well, it was priceless. Bobby had a shit-eating grin on his face while we danced as well, but that was probably due to the fact that I had just slammed down a shot of Jack Daniels and was singing every word of the song along with Joan Osborne. Who cares? It was all about us having a good time. This was the night I've been waiting for, and I was going to have the time of my life. As the night rolled on, another familiar, TOTALLY unexpected face showed up. Subway Chick.

Do not adjust your monitor, you heard me correctly, Subway Chick. Bobby and I were on the dance floor dancing and singing to "Fernando", God, did I really just admit that... Anyway, I heard this screaming and flashing of a camera. It was Subway Chick. She was there and devastated that Mike was with Alex. Ok, that's not all. Mike and Alex, were... in... a ... compromising position. I'm leaving it at that. Susan came running, she's been there more times than either of us would like to recall. Tu La Fe, that's all I'm saying. So Susan and I try to cover up Alex, helping her get herself together, while Bobby pulls Mike up. Two people who obvious SHOULD NOT drink together. Two lonely people, and too much alcohol, equals one big disaster. We managed to get them both back to the table and sitting down. I couldn't believe I was babysitting drunks, 40 something drunks at that! I went in search of Olivia. As much as I hated to bother her, I knew she was good at handling drunks, and could give us a few tips on how to help Alex out.

I made my way through the dance floor to Olivia. Although once I found her, I decided it was best not to disturb her. She and Elliot were dancing to "She Will Be Loved", and well, something more is going on there than what they want ANYONE to know about. Personally, I think something big is going on. I know they didn't think anyone could see them, but he had one arm around her, and another rubbing her stomach as he looked up into her eyes. I just stood there, stunned, in shock. I knew better than to speak, but I had no idea what I was seeing? At that moment, words weren't necessary, actions spoke for themselves. I turned around, deciding to give them the privacy they obviously needed. When I returned to the table, Alex and Mike were nowhere in sight. Bobby had gone to get a couple of cups of coffee to try to sober them up. We both left them alone. That was a mistake.

After a few minutes, we decided that we weren't here to be babysitters, we were here on a date, and we should enjoy ourselves. We danced up until the early morning hours. I didn't want to leave. The thought of going home broke my heart. I requested one last song, the song Bobby and I first danced to three months ago "Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own". He smiled and took my hand, leading me back to the dance floor for our last dance. He held me so close as we danced, closer than he ever has before. I felt so safe in his arms, I could've stayed right there forever. As the song ended, I didn't move, I stood there in his arms. He held me, he didn't push me away, or attempt to move me. He held me until I was ready to go. Letting go of him at that moment was so difficult. I knew when I did, it was over, we were going home. It was 3:45 in the morning, everyone who was attending after dance parties were already gone and gone home. Reluctantly, I let go of him. He grabbed my hand and kissed it, holding it tightly as we went to get our coats. As he put my coat on, we found Mike and Alex being carried out by Munch and Elliot. It was the first I'd seen of Munch all night long. He had definitely been "ghosting" during this party.

Bobby held my hand the entire way back to my apartment. I had the most wonderful night of my life. I couldn't believe it. It was everything I had dreamt of and more. If I died right then, I would've died the most happy woman with a smile on my face. He walked me to my door, and thanked me for being his date and a wonderful evening. I thanked him for allowing me to be his date, and giving me the best night of my life. He pulled me tightly into his arms and gave me the most passionate kiss I've ever had. I felt just like Scarlet O'Hara when Rhett Butler kissed her in the Library at Five Oaks. A kiss that would make any woman melt. I touched his cheek gently, kissing him once more, smiling as he left. I went in and started screaming and jumping for joy. I couldn't believe it. I had the night of my life. Everything I'd dreamt of, it happened. Everything is finally coming together... At Last. - Sing it Joan, I'm on my way to dreamland...

Hmmmmmmmmm.....

You Are Most Like Charlotte!

You are the ultimate romantic idealist You've been hurt before, but that hasn't caused you to give up on love. If anything, your resolve to fall in love is stronger than ever. And it's this feminine optimism that men find most appealing about you. Romantic prediction: That guy you are seeing (or crushing on)? Could be very serious - if you play your cards right!

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You?

Last Night I Couldn't Get To Sleep At All...

So I downloaded the song and listened to it as I sat sleepless. How could I sleep? The day I've been looking forward to for weeks is finally HERE!!! Everything must be PERFECT tonight. I don't think I was ever this nervous before any ball or pageant I've attended! I went this morning and had my nails done, and met Susan for lunch. She's just as excited as I am. Sure, we've been to tons of parties/dances and social functions in New York, but nothing like this! I know she smoked a pack of cigarettes while going through her checklist of "Things to Do Before". After lunch, we came back to my apartment. That's where Bobby and Ethan will be picking us up. Maria is coming over in about an hour after she gets off of work.

I just can't believe how far I've come. Three months ago, Bobby was but a dream. He was a man I met by chance in a bar. A man I shared a dance with, and knew immediately, he was someone I couldn't let go of. I ran from him, and tried so hard to push him out of my mind. Somehow, we were brought together. I don't know where things will go between us. I know I need him in my life. He's so precious to me. He's renewed my faith in men- that there are a few gentlemen left in this world. He appreciates a woman who possesses dignity and self-respect. He sees more to me than just my outer glamorous facade. His first instinct wasn't to try to get me into bed- and that means a lot. I know he's been hurt, badly. I know he carries demons he's afraid to let anyone know about. I know he things I'm young and naive, that I couldn't possibly understand, and even if he felt I could, he wouldn't want to expose me to that. His first instinct is to protect me. He doesn't realize, that beneath the innocence and compassion lies a woman who is stronger than he could ever imagine. I know he can't fathom that strength and compassion go hand in hand. It's something he's never seen, because he's never really looked in the mirror. He's afraid of what he'll find.

Goodness, I've gotten way too deep. Today is supposed to be all about fun, about celebrating with friends and loved ones. Today is about taking his breath away, and tonight, when he sees me, I'll do just that. Think of me, I'll need a lot of thoughts and prayers to pull this one off!

Time For Me...

It's been a long day. Work was especially hard, a few nurses are out with the flu, so I had double the patient load. I had gotten used to just caring for "Emma", "Ted", and "Mary". Adding four other patients in makes things much more difficult. I had to make sure everyone had ample care and attention. I had hoped to be able to spend some more time with "Emma", but it just wasn't happening today. By the time my shift was over, I was exhausted. As I walked into my apartment building, I saw the most beautiful vase of orchids. I thought what a nice touch, to whomever decided to bring them in today.

As I was heading for the elevator, the desk clerk stopped me, telling me the orchids had been delivered for me earlier in the day. I was so thrilled! Orchids are my favorite flower. I couldn't imagine who would've sent them? Bobby has no idea I love orchids, so I assumed it must've been my mother or sister. I didn't check the card immediately. As I entered my apartment, I sat the vase down on my dining room table. They were so beautiful, I cleared my centerpiece and put them there. Perfect. I figured I should at least check the card to see who to thank. As I opened it, I was in shock. They're from Bobby.

How did he know? The card was short and sweet, "Beauty deserves Beauty- see you tomorrow night- Bobby". That was the sweetest thing I believe anyone has ever done for me. He's such a good man. I've really been looking forward to going to the dance tomorrow night. I've tried so hard to keep my emotions in check, and play all of my cards right. I know he isn't sure about me. I don't know where things will go with us. I know what I want, but only time will tell what plays out. I'm taking it slow, because he's a complicated man, there's a lot I still don't know- a lot to learn.

Why am I sitting here dwelling and worrying about things I don't have any control over? What will happen will happen- that's life. I need to just slow down and enjoy the ride. Susan called, she's on her way over. She and Ethan are going to the dance as well tomorrow night. We're going over everything to make sure we're ready. Maria is coming over later to do a pratice run on Susan's hair, she's still undecided as to what she wants to do. Time is running out- we'd better have it together tonight!

Life, Support, And Everything Else...

Borrowed from the blog of a dear friend, Neele...

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL
By Hanley Harding

I am damaged...
The incident is past,
But the pain persists;
I reluctantly, at times, fearfully,
Go about my present daily life.

I am damaged...
Not by subterfuge,
Sweet words of insincerity, or lies,
But through unfathomable meanness
And brutal cruelty.

I am damaged...
The world closed in about my soul,
Suddenly becoming an alien land,
And I had coldly been deprived of the passport
Which heretofore had allowed my spirit unfettered movement.

I am damaged...
But, in talking to others, also damaged,
I have come to realize that I am alive, not dead;
That the world goes on around me, and about me,
And that I am empowered if I choose to be so.

I am damaged...
But, by reaching out and learning to trust those who are worthy of trust,
I will be able to re-build my life;
It will never be quite the same as it was,
So I must strive to make it better.

I am damaged...
But with the passage of time, and the help of sincere people who care about me,
I learn to move more steadily, more confidently, each day,
Toward the light at the end of the tunnel.

I am damaged...
But I am not broken.



It's true, I am damaged, but I am not broken. I have been hurt, but I am learning. Having people around who love and support you no matter what, it can make all the difference in the world. It's been a rocky couple of months. I've held a lot inside, knowing I have to be a pillar of strength for those around me. Getting caught up in that, I forgot to care for myself, and failed to see the signs when I'm in pain. The pain has been released, and I will heal.

Having Bobby, has made such a difference in my life. He has so much respect for me, more than any other man I've ever known. There are times I want him to grab me and hold me- and never let me go- but that's not him. I can, he's not used to doing that. Well, not without expecting something in return. I don't think he's ever dated anyone like me. Anyone who he actually took to their apartment, and left there or if invited in, he knows it's not going to be to the bedroom. In the wise words of my cousin, Holly "I'm not that kinda girl". I appreciate his chilvary and respect, but above all friendship. He's got a good heart deep inside of that dark shell that hides his soul. It's in there, the question is, am I too late to save him?

Let It Go...

This is the first time I'd recieved this- a dear friend sent it to me, and I felt it was too good not to share. I know I have things to let go of, and I know everyone else does as well. It's time- Let It Go!


Let it go for 2005...

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go.


And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me.

And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ........

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents .

LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken
relationship.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed .......

LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so
used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

Did I Have A Good Night?

Words just aren't necessary...

For Fun...

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things. Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life. You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation. You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon. Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall. You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others. At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults. Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion. A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

What Temperment Are You?

Better... Today

I'm feeling much better today. Thank goodness, it seems I only have a sinus infection instead of the flu. My head still feels full, my lungs are clear, and I'm not coughing half as much. I've been on antibiotics for 48 hours, so I was able to return to work today. "Emma" was thrilled I was back. She had so much to tell me. Father Steve had been by to have a "mass" with her. He read scripture, prayed with her, she was able to have confession and absolution, and receive Holy Communion. She was so thankful. It made my day knowing she was able to receive the sacraments, even though she's not able to leave the facility.

Bobby came by for his afternoon visit. She was so glad to see he was finally feeling better. He came with his usual "basket of goodies", "Emma's" favorite magazines, M&M's, and flowers. He's such a good son. I know I say that all the time, but the more time I spend with him, the more I realize what a wonderful person he truly is. As I was leaving Carmel Ridge, Bobby caught up with me. He asked me if I'd like to join him and a few of his friends for a drink tonight. Of course, I gladly accepted. I was starved, so I suggested we grab a bite to eat at the Carmel Diner.

It's kinda sad that when I walk in, the seat me in the same booth, and automatically bring me a Dr. Pepper, and ask if I'll be having the "usual", which is a plain cheeseburger and french fries. Do you suppose I eat there often? Bobby got a good laugh out of that. It was so cold outside, and being in the nice cozy diner was a definite treat. I ate in record time today. I can tell you this, I have no shame when it comes to eating. Many women won't eat a bite in front of a man they're attracted to- you know, I've never figured that out! My Daddy always taught me, "If a man's worked hard for his money, and he decides to take you out and feed you, the least you can do is eat it and be grateful", and I've always tried to do that. We sat and talked for about an hour before heading back to the city. He told me he'd pick me up around 7:00pm tonight. I'm really looking forward to meeting more of his friends. Wish me luck!

I've Finally Gotten Around...

To posting my "Five Simple Pleasures". Ann tagged me, but unfortunately I haven't felt much like a human until tonight.

1. Watching Spongebob Squarepants. If I've had a stressful day, I can watch Spongebob and relax. It's good to revert back to childhood every once in awhile.

2. Candles. I love lighting candles no matter what time of year it is- It makes my apartment feel more like "home".

3. Chocolate. Like nearly every other woman in the world, I LOVE CHOCOLATE. Reese's Cups are my favorite.

4. *The one I'm hoping to give up soon* Cigarettes. A pack of Virginia Slims Menthol gets me through the day.

5. Morris. I love my cat! I can't wait to get up each morning and hold him and rock him :0) He's spoiled rotten and brings such joy to my life!


Now, I'm tagging Amey *hoping the penguins haven't taken away too much of her sanity to write*, Faye, and Alex. I think just about everyone else has been tagged, and if you haven't- You're it! ;0)

Miserable...

I can't remember the last time I felt so bad. I'd just love to be able to get some quality sleep. Nighttime is the worst. I slept pretty good yesterday in between Bobby's calls. He came by last night after work. He attempted to feed me, but with my stomach upset in addition to everything else, it just didn't work out. I know how attractive I must've been with a towel around my neck reeking of Vicks, and my flannel pajamas. That's a sexy outfit if I've ever seen one. He actually gave me a big hug, and apologized, thinking it was his fault I'm sick. It's really not. It was going to happen regardless, tis' the season for sickness. He stayed with me for quite awhile.

He was supposed to be meeting his partner and some of his other co-workers for drinks. I felt really bad for keeping him. I tried telling him I'd be ok, to go on, but he continued to stay with me. Finally, when I felt as if I might could actually sleep, he helped me into my bed. He kissed my cheek and asked me if I needed anything else. I told him just to go meet his friends and have a good time. I could tell he was torn, wanting to go, but not wanting to leave me here this way.

I'm not sure exactly what time he did leave, because within a few minutes of laying down, I was passed out. I slept for about four hours, which is the longest I've been able to sleep. Now, it's a little after six in the morning, and here I sit, hoping I'll feel well enough to sleep soon.

Ann, I know I've been tagged- I promise I'll think about the five things and post them as soon as I feel like a human, because right now, the only five things I can think of are: Vicks, Antibiotics, Orange Juice, Heating Pad, and Bed.

Ugh...

I'm sick. It's finally caught up with me. I've been so fortunate, the cold/flu/pneumonia bug hasn't bitten me up until now. I guess that's because it was waiting to bite me really hard in the ass. I felt so bad about calling in at work this morning, but as sick as I am, I don't want to run the risk of infecting my patients. I took a nice hot shower, checked my medicine cabinet to see what antibiotics I had on hand, and took a t-spoon full of moonshine. The moonshine was to break up the tightness in my chest, no I wasn't trying to get a nice buzz to forget how miserable I feel- Although, that's a thought. I had just settled into my nice comfy bed when the phone rang. I rolled over in search of my cordless phone. It was Bobby. He was on he was back from Carmel Ridge, and was concerned when they told him I was home sick.

I tried telling him I would be fine, but he's as stubborn as I am. He told me he's coming over after work and bringing me dinner. I tried telling him that was ok, I appreciated the offer, but he really didn't have to do that. He wasn't taking no for an answer. I could tell by the tone of his voice, he was worried. It's 1:30, and he's called me three times. Other than my mother, I've never had anyone check on me that much. He's such a good person. I'm so thankful to have him in my life. I'm going to try to take a nap and get some rest before Bobby stops by. I'm going to look like death warmed over regardless, but I'd like to at least look slightly rested. Today, he'll see "Chloe' Gardner, Uncensored, Sans Make-up". Do you suppose he'll ever want to take me out again? We'll soon find out!

I'm A Little Afraid...

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often (or at all), please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want, either good or bad, real or made up. I promise not to come after you with a SPOON either way. Actually, I may do so, because it's blunt, it'll hurt more. When you're finished, you could post this little paragraph on your Live Journal Weblog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you...

Sometimes It's Strange...

How things turn out. A short time ago, I was running from Bobby. Cussing him for driving me insane. For not making the move I wanted him to make. For not being mine. I prayed so hard, baffled by what I was doing wrong. I couldn't fathom why we never made a connection. It wasn't the right time. It was the right place. Not the right time. Almost three months later, we're definitely great friends. We have so much fun together. I can talk to him so easily. I feel as if I've known him my entire life. The most important thing, we make each other smile. We're constantly laughing. With our careers, it's important to laugh often. With what see on a daily basis, laughter is a welcome distraction. As quick as we begin to laugh, we can turn and be dead serious. Words don't have to be exchanged. It's understood. Honestly, it scares me sometimes.

He and I have been on one date. We've had a few deep conversations, and made a deep connection. I know how apprehensive he is of me. It's almost, as if he's scared. Like, he wants it so bad he can taste it, but he holds back. I understand. I know his track record, well, most of it anyway. He told me about several on the way to the Pencil Bar the other night. I knew about his family, both from speaking to him, and "Emma". Bobby's had a hard life. Love is something he was rarely given. Any form of affection or attention given to him, is deeply appreciated. Which brings me to today.

I called him as he was leaving work. I could tell by the sound of his voice he didn't feel half as well as he tried telling me he did. I told him I had fixed a nice pot of soup, and was coming over to "take care of him"- AKA: Feed him, make sure he has his medicine, try to put him in bed at a decent hour. His eyes were so weak when he answered the door, but they lit up the moment he saw me. My heart absolutely melted. I took the soup in and warmed him a bowl. He was so hungry. He had eaten like he'd never seen food before. He mentioned that his partner had brought him in some soup as well. I had to laugh, all of the women in his life know how to cure everything- with soup! I must admit, he wasn't the happiest camper when I took his cigarettes away, and told him to take off his shirt.

Get your minds out of the gutter, this is strictly professional. Ok, yes, I admit, I did enjoy seeing him bare chested VERY much, but that wasn't what was supposed to happen! I did a series of back massages to help loosen any mucus that may be laying dormant in his lungs. Then, the part he was dreading. Vicks. Yes, you heard me correctly. I grabbed a took a good handful of Vicks vapor rub, and massaged it well into his chest. I wasn't able to look into his eyes. I've done this more times that I can count to patients, but this- this was Bobby. I was rubbing his chest. I know my face had to be as red as a beet! I tried so hard to be professional, thinking of everything from my grocery list to did I fill Morris' water bowl. After making sure I had a nice coat on, I covered it with a towel, and helped him put his t-shirt back on. That was one of the best/most awkward moments of my life.

He was so thankful for everything. It made my heart bleed for him. It's as if he'd never had anyone do anything for him. I just wanted to take him and hold him- never let him go. I wanted to make him feel safe and secure, something he's only heard about. I feel so strongly for him, but I have to keep my feelings in check. I don't know how he feels, and God knows I don't want to push him. I would never do that. He's in my life, and that's what's important, no matter what does or doesn't happen.


At last the skies above are blue
My heart was wrapped in clover
The night I looked at you

I found a dream that I could speak to
A dream that I could call my own
I found a thrill to press my cheek to
A thrill that I have never, never known

Oh, you smiled
And then the spell was cast...

A Little Better...

Bobby's sounding a little better today, now whether or not he's actually feeling that way? That's a different story. I'm sure he'd never tell me if he was still feeling as miserable as he was yesterday. Since I had the day off, I fixed him a nice pot of homemade soup. He rarely cooks for himself, and God knows nothing tastes better than soup when you're sick. I also have a jar of Vicks, vapor rub that is, that he's going to use regardless of how bad he hates the smell. His chest sounds horrible, and he's got to do something to open up his bronchial tubes. I don't relish the thoughts of him ending up in the hospital because he didn't take care of himself. That's why I'm taking matters into my own hands. Having a nurse for a friend can be a blessing, then again, some of my friends find it to be a curse! Ha! I'm heading over to Bobby's, we'll soon find out which I am to him.

I'm Going To Be....

A Godmother again! :0) My best friend, Jennifer called me tonight. She just found out she's pregnant! Four months pregnant! I was in complete shock! Well, ok, not half as much as she was, but shocked nonetheless. She's not terribly excited about it at this point, as it wasn't exactly planned. Honestly, I'm glad, maybe it was God's way of telling her to stop using the birth control patch. With all the research and information that's been released in regards to the birth control patch, I'm glad she's off of it. It's terribly dangerous, and now, proving not to be so effective. Yes, I know, no birth control is 100% effective, but used correctly, the patch was proven to be over 99% effective. Well, Jennifer, Jessica, Abby and Lesa have proven to either be part of that small 1%, or the statistics are WAY off. Who knows?

I'll definitely be flying home in May for this birth. I was there with her with Caleb was born, and I'll be there when this baby is born. I'm hoping she'll have a little girl this time, but as long as it's a healthy baby, I don't care! It's getting late, and I really need to get to bed. I'm off tomorrow, but it's been a long day.

We decided against ice skating for tonight, instead we opted to head out for a cup of cappuccino and then a slice of pizza. Healthy dinner, huh? Typically Susan doesn't want to see anything that even closely resembles a gourmet restaurant when she's off. I suppose that's why I was so thrilled when Bobby took me to Pepolino, I was actually able to eat in a nice restaurant, and one of my best friends hadn't prepared my meal!

Speaking of Bobby, I need to call and check on him in the morning. I hope he's doing ok. I know he won't stay home from work tomorrow. He's way too stubborn for that. He might miss something. I know, I'm giving him a hard time. I just worry about him. Luckily, he isn't contagious, or else I'd probably be under the bed. Maybe I'll make him a nice pot of soup, from the looks of his kitchen, cooking is something he hasn't done in quite awhile.

Thank Goodness...

Bobby finally went to the doctor. He should at home in bed, but just like every other man I've ever known, he's as stubborn as a mule. He went right back to work, barely able to breathe. I feel better knowing he's started a round of anti-biotics, but he really should be getting some rest AND not smoking. I might have to go get him some Nicorette, and confiscate his cigarettes. Smoking "Cowboy Killers" are bad enough, but with your bronchial tubes inflamed, it's sheer murder. When I talked to him last night, he could barely speak, and I knew he was having a hard time breathing. He's lucky I didn't drive over to his apartment again and put him in my car, driving him to the doctor right then. Sorry, I know I'm going on and on, but as a nurse, when you see someone so sick, especially a friend or loved one, you tend to get upset when they won't allow you to help them- or let you take them to get help. Ugh. I need to stop bitching, at least he went to the doctor. He'll be ok in a couple of weeks.

"Emma" was doing great today. You'd never know anything had even happened this weekend. She was sitting up in bed reading this morning when I got to work. I was so relieved. I knew right then, she was fine. I need to stop and speak with Father Steve tomorrow after work. "Emma" has missed going to Mass so much, but hadn't really discussed it with anyone before now. She didn't want to trouble anyone with her stories of faith. She knew for me, it would never be any trouble. I know a few of the girls who attend the Catholic church, and said Father Steve would be delighted to come pray and share the sacraments with "Emma". That would be wonderful for her. Through everything, she's kept her faith, which means so much. I'm so proud of her, and want to help her in anyway possible.

Ethan is working graveyard tonight, so Susan is coming over. She's wanting to go out. We haven't been to 515 in so long. The funny thing is, no one has really missed it. I mean, Susan met Ethan there, and they haven't been back since! Maria and Cody got back together, and I, well, I don't know exactly what you'd call Bobby and me, we're definitely friends- and I think maybe a little more. Regardless, I'm thankful to have whatever it may be. I'd actually like to go ice skating. Now, not a one of us can actually ice skate. We do the best we can, all holding hands, praying one doesn't fall. Of course, it's only a matter of time until one goes down, and the other two follow. I usually end up with some pretty nasty bruises, but have so much fun. You can't help but laugh. Seeing three grown women holding hands like they're going to die if they let go. Knowing it takes all three of us to stay standing and "skating", if you can call what we do skating.

The more I think about it, we probably have "Southerners" written all over our foreheads. The only place to ice skate that was even remotely close to us, was Ober Gatlinburg. It rarely got cold enough for the lakes and rivers to freeze back home, so ice skating just wasn't something commonly done in Tennessee. Put a pair of roller skates on me, and I can go for days. That's another story in itself, we'll save that for a rainy day. Oh the crazy stories I could tell. Right now, I think I'm going to go lay down for about an hour. A nap is something I haven't had in a long time, and sounds like a great idea.

What A Day...

I've finally gotten an opportunity to sit down and write. When I arrived at Carmel Ridge this morning, Bobby was already there. "Emma" was sitting up in her bed, resting. She looked good, much better than I'd expected. I went over and gave her a big hug, telling her how happy I am that she's ok. After examining her chart, no damage was done to her heart or her brain. Definite good news. Bobby was so relieved. It was a special treat for her to have both of us with her that early in the morning. Bobby wasn't able to stay long, as he had to go back be in the city by 8:00am for work. Neither of us mentioned his brother. That's a subject best left alone. "Emma" didn't need it. She didn't need to be reminded of her late husband, and Bobby's brother is a carbon copy of the man.

She understood why Bobby hadn't been to visit her yesterday, and wasn't upset in the least bit. As a matter of fact, when she found out he had taken me out to dinner on saturday night, that was all she could talk about. Everytime I'd ask her if she was ok, or having pain, or any sort of symptoms, she would say "I'm fine, now, when are you and Bobby going out again?". She's so precious. At least we had something to bring some joy to her after such a scare. We're monitoring her closely. Some of her medications have changed, and we need to be sure that she's adjusting well. Hopefully, all will be well.

I spoke to Bobby briefly this evening. He was exhausted. He's been buried in a pile of paperwork and just wants to clear his brain. I can fully understand that. I would've enjoyed a nice night alone myself. I made a promise to Maria that I'd stop by rehearsal and that we'd grab a bite to eat afterwards. I do need to get out, even though staying in my nice comfy pajamas vegging out on my couch sounds like MUCH more fun! That's Susan at the door. Gotta go get myself ready...

57 Cents...

This is a beautiful story of love and faith... Not sure how true it is, but it's uplifiting reguardless. Not much time right now, will update later on this evening.

A little girl stood near a small church from which she had been turned
away because it was "too crowded."

"I can't go to Sunday School," she sobbed to the pastor as he walked
by.

Seeing her shabby, unkempt appearance, the pastor guessed the reason
and, taking her by the hand, took her inside and found a place for her in
the Sunday school class. The child was so happy that they found room for
her, and she went to bed that night thinking of the children who have no
place to worship Jesus.

Some two years later, this child lay dead in one of the poor tenement
buildings. Her parents called for the kindhearted pastor who had
befriended their daughter to handle the final arrangements.

As her poor little body was being moved, a worn and crumpled red purse
was found which seemed to have been rummaged from some trash dump.

Inside was found 57 cents and a note, scribbled in childish
handwriting, which read: "This is to help build the little church bigger so more
children can go to Sunday School."

For two years she had saved for this offering of love.
When the pastor tearfully read that note, he knew instantly what he
would do. Carrying this note and the cracked, red pocketbook to the pulpit,
he told the story of her unselfish love and devotion.

He challenged his deacons to get busy and raise enough money for the
larger building. But the story does not end there...

A newspaper learned of the story and published It. It was read by a
wealthy realtor who offered them a parcel of land worth many thousands. When
told that the church could not pay so much, he offered to sell it to the
little church for 57 cents.

Church members made large donations. Checks came from far and wide.

Within five years the little girl's gift had increased to
$250,000.00--a huge sum for that time (near the turn of the century). Her unselfish
love had paid large dividends.

When you are in the city of Philadelphia, look up Temple Baptist
Church, with a seating capacity of 3,300. And be sure to visit Temple
University, where thousands of students are educated.

Have a look, too, at the Good Samaritan Hospital and at a Sunday
School building which houses hundreds of beautiful children, built so that no
child in the area will ever need to be left outside during Sunday school time.

In one of the rooms of this building may be seen the picture of the
sweet face of the little girl whose 57 cents, so sacrificially saved, made
such remarkable history. Alongside of it is a portrait of her kind pastor,
Dr. Russell H. Conwell, author of the book, "Acres of Diamonds".

The Big Scare...

After such a magical night last night, this was the last thing Bobby needed. We stayed out so late, his regular visit to his mother was pushed back. I know he's feeling so guilty, because I feel the same way. I was off today. No one was there with her. At 10:45 am, she was rushed from Carmel Ridge to Putman hospital with signs of a stroke. When Tracey called me, my heart dropped. I began to cry, and in a panic, rushed around my apartment looking for a clean pair of scrubs. Tracey could hear in my voice I was crying, and I was scared. She told me not to come, there was nothing I could do. The roads were too bad, and I would only endanger myself, which is the last thing "Emma" needs. She needs me safe and well to be there for her when she returns. The tears rolled down my face, thinking about "Emma" being alone, sick, and scared.

I knew Bobby wasn't there. He told me last night before leaving that he would be visiting "Emma" later in the afternoon, instead of his early morning/afternoon visit. I called him. I knew he had to be beside himself. He could hear in my voice that I had been crying- that I felt the same guilt that he did. He didn't want to be alone. I put on some clothes, and went to his apartment. When I walked through the door, the look of anguish on his face brought me to tears. The same guilt that was in my heart, was in his- only multiply that times ten. I opened my arms to him. Holding him, knowing he was hurting so badly, and knowing I'm the only other person in this world who loves her as much as he does.

After what seemed like forever, he broke the embrace. We went to sit on the couch. I explained to him, that from what Tracey described, it only seemed to be a TIA, or mild-stroke. Hopefully, it's just a scare. Aside from wanting someone there who understood his pain, I knew exactly why he wanted me there. He had to call his brother. It's no secret, they've not been on good terms for years. The only common ground Bobby has with him, is their mother. The call. It wasn't pretty. His brother blamed him for not being there, for neglecting her. I could've climbed right through that phone and strangled him with my bare hands. How DARE him say Bobby neglects "Emma". He's been nothing but good to her, loving her, making her as comfortable as possible. "Emma" is one of the most cared for patients I've EVER tended to- including my own family.

He was so upset, overwhelmed with guilt and sorrow. I got call on my cell. It was Tracey. They ran some general tests, everything was fine. No brain damage. It was a TIA after all, not a full blown stroke. The blood thinner she was on, wasn't the correct medication. They're re-evaluating all of her medications, and have her on a "watch". She's being kept overnight for observation, and will be released back to Carmel Ridge in the morning if everything checks out ok. Finally, Bobby and I can both breathe. I sat holding his hand. Not a word was spoken for a long while after that. He knew she would be ok. She was going to be fine. I finally looked up at him saying, "It's ok, there's nothing you could've done to stop this". He hugged me, thankful for the support. Knowing there truly was nothing that could've stopped and/or prevented what happened. I know he's still feeling guilty, as I am as well. It's something that can't be helped.

I work in the morning, and promised to call him as soon as I get to work. I'll go pick her up at the hospital myself if I have to- he'll know she's going to be ok. I could tell he needed to be alone, so I got up, giving him a hug, and told him everything would be ok, and to call me if he needed anything. He did call me a few minutes ago, just to thank me again for being there for him, and for supporting him. I will always support him, and "Emma". They're two people who are worth it all.

The Most Wonderful Night...

I couldn't have asked for a better night. I began getting ready at 4:00pm, even though our date wasn't until 7:00pm. I must've tried on 50 things before deciding on the perfect outfit. A red v-neck sweater and black pants ended up being the final choice. I wanted to wear my hair up, but with the weather being so cold, I decided against doing so. I wanted to look- perfect. He arrived right on time, with a single red rose in his hand. I invited him in for a moment, placing my rose in a vase. He went straight to my pictures. Looking at every single one. He told me I was blessed to be close to my family and friends. I truly am. He helped me with my coat, and it was off to Pepolino.

It had been so long since I've been there. They have the BEST tagliata di manzo. The restaurant has such an exquisite aura. When you walk through the door, you feel as if you're walking right into a part of Tuscany. It was so beautiful. We dined by candlelight. The meal was phenomenal, as always. One thing I know for certain, Bobby has excellent taste in food. After our meal, I could tell he didn't want to take me home just yet. He asked if I'd be up for a drink. Of course, I wasn't going to turn down a chance to spend more time with him. We left Pepolino's, and headed for the Pencil Factory, a bar he had frequented in the past.

The drive there was a long one. We talked about everything from our jobs and family, to our hopes and dreams for the future. It's really scary how someone with the kind of age different Bobby and I have, can be on the same page- wanting the same things in life. He told me things he didn't typically share with others, things that troubled him, and things that only he knew. It began to snow. I looked over at him and smiled, wanting to hold his hand- to let him know just how much I do care. I think that was the most romantic moment of my life. At that point, I didn't want to get to the Pencil Factory. I just wanted to stay right there with Bobby.

As we pulled into the bar, he opened my door for me and offered me his arm. I smiled at him. It had been so long since I'd had a gentleman offer me his arm. I know he could tell how comfortable, not to mention happy that made me. In the south, having a man offer you his arm is a man's way of showing the utmost respect and adoration.

As we walked in, I felt just like I was in a cabin in back in the "Great Smokey's". The hardwood floors and the floor-to-ceiling picture windows gave a great view of the falling snow. We found a cozy little table near the back of the bar. I had a amaretto sour, and Bobby had a beer- only one, since he will be driving back. We sat and talked for hours. It seemed as if no one else were in the bar, as if it were only the two of us. It didn't seem as if we'd been there for an hour, when we looked at the clock. Nearly 3:00am. The bar was beginning to prepare for closing. We both enjoyed a good laugh, and exited. He put his arm around me as we walked out of the bar.

As we walked to the car, I looked up at him and smiled. He looked so handsome in the snow. Opening the door for me once more, making sure I was in safely before heading to his side of the car. A true gentleman in every sense of the word. We talked the entire way to my apartment. I don't think I've ever talked that much to anyone in my life- not even Susan and Maria! There was never an awkward moment. There was always something to be said. Words came naturally for the two of us.

When we arrived at my apartment, I was sad. I didn't want the night to end. The best date of my life was coming to an end. It was late, and I could tell Bobby was tired. He walked me to my door, and thanked me for a wonderful date. I thanked him as well, telling him I'd had a wonderful time as well, and hoped we would definitely do it again. He bent down and kissed me. I nearly passed out. It was most magical moment of my life. Even though it only lasted a second, I could feel his lips against mine for hours. I smiled at him and said good-night, as I closed the door.

I didn't go to sleep until nearly 6:00am! I've had very little sleep, but then again, how could I sleep? I'd enjoyed the most magical night of my life. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect date.